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How do I find the courage to tell him to leave?
March 29, 2008
9:45 pm
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MzKitty
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I'm in a very dark place in my life right now and I need help. For the 3rd time in our relationship my SO has left. He is going to stay with a friend. Our relationship has had it's difficulties, but it has also had it's great times. Now is another difficult time and he has left. I can't take the leaving anymore, I do love him and he does have some good qualities, so what do I do, I'm lost and confused.....Please anyone, advice?

March 29, 2008
10:04 pm
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sad sack
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Hi MzKitty,

I do remember you. Last time you posted, weren't you in the same exact situation? I remember we were all applauding your strength in finally leaving an unhealthy situation. Then you disappeared.

What will be different about this time? Are you certain that you want the relationship to end? I wasn't sure from your post what your present position is.

I think that history will repeat itself unless you have definitely made the decision to end this pattern of breaking up and making up.

I know that this must be so hard for you. Perhaps, if you share more about what you are feeling, we might be able to offer you a bit more supportive comments.

Wishing you the best.

sad

March 29, 2008
10:39 pm
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MzKitty
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Sad Sack, Thanks for posting.
I guess right now I'm confuesed and hurt. I'm sick of him leaving just because things get tuff. When things between us are good, they are great. But when things are bad, I feel as though he blows it out of proportion and then leaves. I admit, it's not as though we don't both have valid feelings when we get into a fight, but I guess what I'm feeling is that a relationship is work, and just because you have a fight (and mind you this one has lasted about a week) doesn't mean that the relationship should be over. I guess what I want is someone who will love me through the good times and bad. I believe he loves me but he run's, and I can't handle that anymore. Yes I admit I've done my fair share of things that aren't good for our relationship, but I've always taken responsibility for those things and I've made some very great strides in working on those things, even he has acknowledged that. I have a history of bad relationships, so my insecurities get the best of me, but in this relationship I've worked harder then I ever have to not let those insecurities get in the way, but from time to time I can't help letting my past get the best of me. Now please don't take this as me saying that all of our problems are my fault, but I've made great efforts in changing some of the bahaviours from my past.

I guess right now I get the impression that he is trying to control me. That he get's some kind of satisfaction from me crying and begging him, and that is what I can't handle. Last night he was packing his bag telling me that he was going to stay with a friend. Then I told him that I was going to go out of town with a friend today, he completely changed his mind and decided to stay.....So that's where I feel that he's trying to control me. What do you think? I'm so confused.

March 30, 2008
12:24 am
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metromint
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How long have you two been together? Has this been the pattern all along? I think you should ask yourself some serious questions. Like, is he really the one for you - is it worth the agony you are putting yourself through? I am not trying to sound heartless, but I do believe if two people are meant to be together, these extreme situations would not happen. There would be more consideration for ones feelings. Just my personal opinion. I don't know if it helps you or not, but don't sell yourself short and, never, ever settle for anything less then you deserve.

March 30, 2008
4:20 am
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sunshine88
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Hi Kitty, i am no expert, but i heard a lot of people say that courage comes from a wholehearted decision to change things.

A decision cuts completely. full circle, no turning back, point of no return.

When this decision is made in your heart and in your mind, then courage flows like you've never known before.

So sit by yourself, and pray to make a decision for YOURSELF, for what is good, and courage will come.

I am writing this from experience, you can check my story from the thread "Please help me".

(((MzKitty))) hope it will be soon. we will be here for you for support and encouragement.

March 30, 2008
7:34 am
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sad sack
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Hi MzKitty,

I still don't get the sense of what your position is. Your thread title indicates that you want to leave, but from what you say, I am not sure that is really what you want.

Like the others have said, you have to think long and hard about what you want. Love isn't about control and manipulation. Someone who truly loves doesn't leave at the first sign of conflict.

This is the third time you are here with the same identical problem. If you continue, you know and I know, that it won't be the last time. The question is how much of this are you willing to take? Why are you willing to degrade yourself to the point of pleading with him?

I do believe you when you say you have tried to work on your problems, but how about him? Is he willing to do an equal amount of work?

I am sorry to judge, but from what you described, he seems very immature. In my experience, that personality trait doesn't disappear. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life (the one life you are given)? You said in your thread that you are at a very dark place. Well, only you have the power to get yourself through the darkness. ANd it is possible. But you have to be the one who makes the decision to change your circumstances. If not, we will be seeing you back here in a few months with the same old story.

I know how difficult it is to break free from toxic relationships. So many of us have been there. But it can be done.

When I was with my exex, the question that I asked myself that prompted me to end the relationship was "Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?"

We all wish you well.

sad

March 30, 2008
10:15 am
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peacesoul
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MzKitty, I have to admit, I'm very much like your boyfriend.
My ex and I used to fight a lot. Our personalities clashed all the time.

Over the 2 1/2 yrs I was with him, I walked away from him many times because I just couldn't handle the fighting.
Well 5 weeks ago, I left again.
Why do I kepe leaving? I think you're right when you say it's a form of control.
I feel I have no control over my ex's issues and his anger so I leave hoping to get some control back.
I'm very much a control freak (am working hard on changing that).

I left this time again in the hopes he will hurt enough to see he needs to shift/adjust some of his ways.

It's a silly reason to leave and a unproductive way to solve issues, but I saw/see no other way.

Maybe what you and our boyfriend need to do is be apart for a while, work on yourselves and then come together to talk. Space and time are a great way to analyze where the issues lie.

My sense is he keeps leaving because he has no other way to deal with the fighting and needs to step back.

Not saying it's right, but maybe this is all too much for him.

March 30, 2008
12:22 pm
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MzKitty
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Thank you all so much for your input. Sad, you asked me what I want. I guess right now I'm so confused that I don't know what I want. I don't want the cycle to continue the way it is, but I do love "S" and would love to find that common ground to live peacefully. But after reading these post's maybe I need to look at our relationship more realistically. This has been our pattern for 1 year now, as a matter of fact it's been a year this week. I do things that make him mad then he leaves. To be honest with all of you, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder several years ago by a Psychologist, and it all stems from abandonment issues. So "S" is doing nothing but adding to that fear of abandonment everytime he leaves. I have been praying deeply, and I guess what I've come to is that I need to spend some time thinking about what is best for me. Even though my heart says one thing my head says another, and I guess I need my friends in here to help me put all of those thoughts together.

He called me at 12:17 a.m. This morning. I had taken a sleeping pill so I was sound asleep when he called. He said that he was sorry for what had happend yesterday before he left. I told him that I didn't think that it was that big of a fight and I didn't understand....other than that I don't remember anymore about the conversation. I don't know if he was drunk, or what, or why he called. But it is now 10:18 a.m. and he hasn't called back. I don't know what his intentions were in calling, but I can say it has yanked my heart around once again. Somehow I need to find my strength, and I think I'm going to need the help of my friends in here. Thanks again for all of your support, it's appreciated and needed.

March 30, 2008
12:22 pm
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MzKitty
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Thank you all so much for your input. Sad, you asked me what I want. I guess right now I'm so confused that I don't know what I want. I don't want the cycle to continue the way it is, but I do love "S" and would love to find that common ground to live peacefully. But after reading these post's maybe I need to look at our relationship more realistically. This has been our pattern for 1 year now, as a matter of fact it's been a year this week. I do things that make him mad then he leaves. To be honest with all of you, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder several years ago by a Psychologist, and it all stems from abandonment issues. So "S" is doing nothing but adding to that fear of abandonment everytime he leaves. I have been praying deeply, and I guess what I've come to is that I need to spend some time thinking about what is best for me. Even though my heart says one thing my head says another, and I guess I need my friends in here to help me put all of those thoughts together.

He called me at 12:17 a.m. This morning. I had taken a sleeping pill so I was sound asleep when he called. He said that he was sorry for what had happend yesterday before he left. I told him that I didn't think that it was that big of a fight and I didn't understand....other than that I don't remember anymore about the conversation. I don't know if he was drunk, or what, or why he called. But it is now 10:18 a.m. and he hasn't called back. I don't know what his intentions were in calling, but I can say it has yanked my heart around once again. Somehow I need to find my strength, and I think I'm going to need the help of my friends in here. Thanks again for all of your support, it's appreciated and needed.

March 30, 2008
12:25 pm
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MzKitty
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Thank you all so much for your input. Sad, you asked me what I want. I guess right now I'm so confused that I don't know what I want. I don't want the cycle to continue the way it is, but I do love "S" and would love to find that common ground to live peacefully. But after reading these post's maybe I need to look at our relationship more realistically. This has been our pattern for 1 year now, as a matter of fact it's been a year this week. I do things that make him mad then he leaves. To be honest with all of you, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder several years ago by a Psychologist, and it all stems from abandonment issues. So "S" is doing nothing but adding to that fear of abandonment everytime he leaves. I have been praying deeply, and I guess what I've come to is that I need to spend some time thinking about what is best for me. Even though my heart says one thing my head says another, and I guess I need my friends in here to help me put all of those thoughts together.

He called me at 12:17 a.m. This morning. I had taken a sleeping pill so I was sound asleep when he called. He said that he was sorry for what had happend yesterday before he left. I told him that I didn't think that it was that big of a fight and I didn't understand....other than that I don't remember anymore about the conversation. I don't know if he was drunk, or what, or why he called. But it is now 10:18 a.m. and he hasn't called back. I don't know what his intentions were in calling, but I can say it has yanked my heart around once again. Somehow I need to find my strength, and I think I'm going to need the help of my friends in here. Thanks again for all of your support, it's appreciated and needed.

March 30, 2008
12:25 pm
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MzKitty
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OOPS, sorry everyone, my computer was having issues.....

March 30, 2008
8:00 pm
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autumn128
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MzKitty,

Maybe you both need a real genuine break from one another. Three big fights in one year? That's a lot. Obviously there are many issues here. Yes, you crying and begging him gives him a lot of control because he knows that he can come back when he wants to.

You have to ask yourself what you want. Not ask yourself what he wants or what he wants. What's going to make YOU happy?

Some time away, with no contact at all, for any reason, might put things into perspective for you. If you never really solve the problem, it's just going to be the same old problem over and over again.

Please take care of yourself.

Autumn

March 30, 2008
9:55 pm
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MzKitty
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Autumn,
I agree with you. I have talked to him today, but I am also taking time for myslef. I think that is the hardest thing for me to grasp, "what do I want or need for me". I know I have a problem with putting other people's needs before my own, I guess thats where I don't know how or what to do for myself. I've prayed today even asking God to help me figure out what I need for myself, so far now profound answer has come. I do find myself when I get down thinking about him, saying to myeslf "don't think about him right now, what do you need for you?" So I believe I'm on the right track I just don't have all of the answers right now, and nor do I need to, I guess that's where time will tell. Thanks for your post!

March 31, 2008
3:06 am
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Worried_Dad
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Personally, I like the changing all the locks on the doors method.

March 31, 2008
11:34 am
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surprisemom2008
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Dear MzKitty,
I have been where you are and the ups and downs were extremely painful.
What finally helped me was realizing that I was sorry that I loved him and the next step was to understand that my love was mine to give and that i could choose who I wanted to give it to. I did not need to continue to give it to someone who continually threw it back in my face.
I now am married to a great guy for almost 20 years and we have chosen to love each other no matter what.
Its called for better or for worse and it is great. good luck!
surprisemom2008

March 31, 2008
12:09 pm
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nappy
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I guess the first thing that you have to do is recoginize that this is only a game and if you want to stop playing this game then it is up to you to stop playing it.

If you have been putting up with this for a long time, what do you really think is going to change? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!

You are allowing this guy to treat you like this for one, and asking God for answers today and right then and there is not going to solve your problems. Maybe God has been giving you the answers all along but you are still trying to fix this problem yourself and you already see that by you trying to fix it, it is not working. Maybe it is God way of telling you that it is time to let go of this man so that you can live your life and find better and to stop settling for less.

Do you think that you are worth what this man is giving you?

You say that this man leave everytime something goes wrong and please put love aside because to many womens is using that excuse of saying "BECAUSE I LOVE HIM" knowing that it is time to let go. But what if you got sick and you really needed him, what do you think that he is going to do?????LEAVE and then you are going to be hurt again. What if you lose your job and you need him to help until you find something else, what do you think he is going to do????LEAVE

Stop looking at the tears and the begging that he is doing, Look at what he is doing in the middle of all of that. It is not that man that is doing this to you, it is you.

You is allowing him to pack up and leave, pack up and leave, and then when he comes back then you are wishing that everything goes back to normal, what is normal????????

How do you find the courage to tell him to leave?

The courage have to come from you and if you want him gone, then you will do it but if you don't then you will be on here again asking another question "Why am I putting up with this crap"

Nappy

March 31, 2008
2:15 pm
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atalose
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What jumps out the most to me with your post is, you have been diagnosed with PTSD and say it stems from abandonment issues. You have been with a man for a year that uses your worst fear against you. That is cruel, that is NOT love.

You can spin it any way you wish with his late night drunk apologies to your own insecurities or that you have worked harder then you ever have with this relationship.

This man is equal to a bottle of scotch sitting beside the bed of a recovering alcoholic.

This man is equal to a line of cocaine lying across the kitchen table of a recovering addict.

If you want to recover from codependency this is not the man you need in your life.

If you can look yourself in the mirror and say you love this man exactly the way he is today and you can accept him for exactly the way he is today, then stay.

But you don’t like the way he is and you want him to change, that sounds like a codie has found yet another hard working fixer upper relationship.

It’s it hard enough all the work you must do in order to work on you. To figure out why you keep getting into these kinds of relationships, it’s hard work over coming codependency and yes all relationship take work but not the kind of work that this man needs.

Your emotional investment into someone whose foundation needs so much work and support would be a far greater pay off if you emotional invested in just yourself and let the runner keep running.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 31, 2008
2:47 pm
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marypoppins
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MzKitty,

It's not surprising that you're with someone who controls you in this way. We seek out what we're comfortable with. If you have grown up not being able to count on people and being abandoned, that's what you know. Seems this boyfriend realizes leaving really gets your attention. My exh used threats of leaving to control me. When that no longer worked, he withheld sex.

As Nappy wrote, take love out of it. Real healthy love is something other than what's going on between you and your boyfriend. I don't know that I've ever had real healthy love, but I've heard that it's based on mutual trust, respect, compassion, attraction, and so on. What you have going on is an unhealthy addiction. In my opinion.

So, take love out of it. And don't ask yourself, what do I really want? Ask yourself, what am I afraid of?

Are you afraid of being alone? of change? of handling things financially without him? What do you really get from this relationship?

Break it down and be really honest with yourself. Unless both of you want to change and both of you go to counseling to learn something better, things will not change.

How long do you want to continue repeating this unhealthy pattern? How many more months? Years?

How do you find the courage? You have it already. You simply tell him to come back only to pack and move his things. You have both given what you have to give and the results aren't good. So end it. He moves out, and you take the change day by day. You learn how to be strong on your own. How to depend on and trust yourself. Once you have that, no one can manipulate you with threats of leaving.

Good luck.

Mary

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