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how do I escape??????
January 2, 2006
11:24 pm
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dedra
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I have been married for 10 years. Did not know husband was a drug addict. Because of my faith I did not believe in divorce. When dating him I told him I left my last husband of 17 years because of drug use and abuse. My husband in very intelligent, but when he in under the influence he in another person. Every time he gets in trouble, I help him out., ie; got his car towed 4 times, got arrested once, loaned my new car to some people, I had to get it back, and so on and so on. I keep helping him because he has done so much for me. He practically remodelled an old house for me, he gives me almost all his money, so he won't spend it. It says he can't help himself. I feel sorry for him because he tells me without me he has no purpose in life. Without me he is a better person, without me he might die, without me he doesn't want to live. I really don't think I love him or ever loved him. I just loved the thought of what he presented himself to be when we dated. But now year after year he keeps leaving me alone, I think I have neurotic problems because of him. I keep kicking him out, but he keeps crying his way back. He will work for a while and leave days at a time. When he is high he is paranoid and acts like a little puppy in my hands. Every time I put him out, he does so badly, he becomes dirty, smelly, emaciated, unshaven and crazier. So I take him back and feed and he starts to look good again, then he goes back out and starts the cycle over again. I am not a well person. I have some very, very serious medical issues, he seems to care about them when he is sober but other than that I am on my own. I feel guilty when I put him out because he starts to look so bad, lose weight, and on and on. On the first of each month he always gives me his retirement check of $1100 to pay the bills. He really doesn't spend a lot out of that money, basically because he forgets how money is left. He always gives me his money because he says he doesn't want to mess it all up. He will get back a day at a time to get $10, $20, $5, $7. Then he takes the money and stays gone for days at a time. I know that this is not the life for me I just can't escape because of guilt. I am afraid he might kill himself if I cut him off completely. How do I escape, emotionally and in a healthy way?

January 3, 2006
12:54 am
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mamacinnamon
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Dedre:

You posted... I have been married for 10 years. Did not know husband was a drug addict. Because of my faith I did not believe in divorce. When dating him I told him I left my last husband of 17 years because of drug use and abuse. My husband in very intelligent,

This is me and my husband exactly. My hubby knew I said I would not have another addict in my life so he forgot to tell me he was one, he even started giving me his paycheck after we'd dated 2 weeks and doin things for my house, etc..... We've been married 13 years now.

I will say that my hubby was not into drugs to the extent yours is. I'm sorry for you. He'd try and fall off the wagon and get back on and fall off. Last I knew he used was 18 months ago, but I could find out that to be a lie too, ya just never know do ya.

I told my hubby one more time and he's out. And I do mean it this time and he knows it.

Let me ask... what are your medical issues?

As long as you keep takin him back he will not try to get better. It was when my hubby got laid off and could not apply for another job and we were hungry when he hopefully realized what drugs do. So, until you are not there he will not realize coz you keep bailing him out. IF he did kill himself, it would not be your fault. That is never the fault of anyone unless they are standing there holding the gun for you. He's sayin what he has to so he can come back. Chances are if you told him no and stuck to it he'd probably turn into a nasty jerk.

How do you get out? I'm still here, but my hubby is stayin straight as far as I know. I always have that disclaimer, notice that? It's that trust issue that will probably never be there again. Not in that area.

Decide what you want to do and then stick to it no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!!

Also, do you have Alanon close by? It would greatly benefit you to attend some of their meetings.

January 3, 2006
10:44 am
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taj64
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Hi welcome. I lived through the same thing when I was married to a drug addict/alcoholic. Your whole life becomes being concerned about his activities and pretty soon you have no life of your own. It takes control over your own life. It could be reason why you have so many medical problem affecting your own well being. Start taking care of yourself first. You deserve better than this life of craziness. He needs to get better on his own and you need to stop being an enabler. Nobody can help this man but himself. Seek counseling and the Alanon support group and keep talking on this website. Also get the book Codependency book, by Melody Beattie and also there is a very good book at the library on children of adult alcoholics. It might not be the case with you but still a good book for people that are dealing with addiction. The first step is being aware and to become aware you have to do a little research. Also a lot of these book are at a local library and free to check out. Accepting your situation and doing things for yourself is freedom in itself. I wish you luck and happiness - TAJ

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