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How Do I disconnect and not feel guilty?!!!
July 21, 2005
1:34 pm
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momuworry2much
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I am always told by my daughters that I worry too much. I know I worry about other peoples feelings, what they are thinking etc. I try and fix things, smooth out problems, and try to avoid contriversy. My oldest is going thru divorce. She also has an Eating Disorder that she has been getting treatment for. She is planning to move out of state and live by her first love who she just recently reconnected with. He is her same age and I'm not sure where that will all lead but she is moving in with him and 2 other people to keep the costs minimal till she gets a job and etc. She also that has a guy that she has been seeing before her divorce and still has a relationship with. I get so worried that she is using people and I feel guilty about that. I have confronted her but she says it will be okay. I'm worried that she is using the guy that she is moving in with will tear his heart out. We have known his family for years. The other guy here she says she can't just drop the relationship because he has supported her thru the divorce and she just can't do that to him. I know she hasn't been honest with him about who she is going to live with in CA. I have just wanted her to get healthy, heal herself and then she has all these complicated relationships. I just can't seem to shake it out of my head. I worry about her ending up being lonely, not having healthy relationships, I worry about the guys and how they will react. Nothing is anything I have control over...how do you overcome this and just have the attitude of "whatever will be will be?" It's frustrating because you try and love your children enough and try and communicate with them, and then there is problems. Other people have a way of making me feel guilty for things I may have done or how I've not been a good parent and this is the result. It's just crazy!!!

Are there other Moms out there with worries like this? I know my relationship with my husband is not how it should be and the children have always not been able to express their opinions freely with him, or if they did they would get punished for it and I would have to try and make things okay...I know where I get this from. But how do I fix it???

I would love some insight and wisdom!!!!

July 21, 2005
2:53 pm
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kathygy
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I am not a mother but from your post it sounds very codependent for you to feel guilty about what someone else does. You are not responsible for your daughter's behavior or choices now that she is a grown woman. I know its easier to say than to do but I think the best thing you can do is detach from your daughter's life and turn it over to god. You have no control over what your daughter does or what she feels. It also sounds like you lack faith in the future. Its possible that your daughter will work things out in her life. The best thing you can do for her is to role model your life working. So what I am saying is to focus on yourself and not your daughter or her boyfriend. Work on your own issues. The only person you have control over is you. You might start by reading the book 'co-dependency no more' by melodie beattie. You can also work on making your marriage more fulfilling.

July 21, 2005
3:55 pm
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momuworry2much
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Thank you! It is hard to let go and let them fly...especially when I did that once and then found out after she had been married for 4 years about the eating disorder and the abuse and what it has done to her. I think it has been hard to know that I couldn't help her deal with things...she has to do it herself I know. I guess sometimes I just need to hear that it's not my fault anymore. I think because all my life I hear, "what you sow you will reap", "you should have been a more conservative parent" etc. stuff to make me feel guilt from my mother as well as the church sometimes.

I know I have so much to work on in my own life and I expect her to fix things in hers that I can't do in my own. I'm scared to address them...because it involves talking to my husband about personal issues and then he will blow up and get defensive and we get nowhere. So I just avoid contraversy like I said...my daughter was a good learner, huh?!

July 22, 2005
4:00 pm
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pleazzzz - not this word (codependent)again ! lets blame everything that goes wrong in our (or someone else's)life on "codependency" and give ourselves permission to feel bad about ourselves. I am not denying that some learned behavior - f.e. : dysfunctional or ineffective behavior (codependent) - can be a factor contributing to adversity or misery. So I don't disagree with kathygy's post. I am just saying that there's more to it than that. A wider picture if you like.

I have been told that *worrying* can be one of your erroneous zones (introduced by Wayne Dyer, who published a book about people's erroneous zones - ask 'balancesekr'!).

do you tend to measure your "success" (or "failure") as a mother - maybe even your "worth" - by what you consider as your daughter's unwise or irresponsible (I wouldn't know if they are) choices (taking any "bad" behavior on her side as reflecting on you? do you see yourself as an "unfit" or "bad" mother if shit happens, as if you are the - only? -one responsible?) - even if your daughter copied your behavior as a child, now that she is an adult she can make a different choice. The - negative or positive - outcome of her life choices are not your fault. Some people may try to persuade you into believing otherwise but if they do, there's usually some kind of "hidden agenda" at play (ulterior motives, their "gain").

do you feel your husband is intimidating you with his behavior, always trying to keep you in the "down" or underlying position (so that you feel kind of pressured to keep him "satisfied")?

would you feel guilty if you decide to speak or stand up for yourself towards him ?

why do you feel you have to avoid controversy ("if I don't, .....")?

what is it that you are afraid of ?

- do tell us some more about you (if you like) - have a good weekend, true

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