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how do i detach from me??/
September 19, 2009
9:37 am
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darkeyes
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im trying to detach emotionally, couldnt understand how another person could effect my mood so strongly. up if they smiled so low if they didnt..very aware of this now so i want to detach from my emotions when they come up. im buiding my self-worth, my self-esteem, ond day at a time, and only trying to think all positive thoughts, darkeyes

September 19, 2009
9:48 am
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fantas
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I have learned that the more I accept all of myself the better I feel about myself. I realized that because I got used to reading my mother's face so I could detect her mood and try to anticipate whether or not she would beat me, I'm very sensitive to people's body language and especially facial cues. If someone close to me goes into silent treatment mode, I find myself automatically getting anxious an uneasy. In the same token, I feel most at ease when people around me are happy. So guess what I tend to do in with people? Crack jokes. As long as they are smiling and happy I feel safe.

I do not try to deny or dislike this in me, anymore. I try to be aware of them and look around me to see if the warning is real, so that I don't stay anxious for no good reason. If they are upset with me, then I try to address it as soon as possible. The important thing for me is to know what is triggering the emotions.

Do you know why your body reacts this way to others?

September 19, 2009
12:41 pm
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darkeyes
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fantas.. i think it comes from my childhood.realizing now my father was a alcolic and my mother was deaf. its horrible to be controled by others moods, i dont know if you know my story, in how i came here but im trying to leave that behind,,it happens me with most people, but one guy its getting to me most, and i know im emotionally dependant on him, i want my control back, i want my moods to control my life, i want my life to be lived by me for me..most people now i can say this it not mine so i can leave it to some degree..

September 19, 2009
12:46 pm
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darkeyes
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reading over my tread im feel anger, i dont know if its at myself my life or others..where does the child go when she disapears, and the surviver comes out

September 19, 2009
3:14 pm
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_anonymous
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Darkeyes- sounds like you are validating yourself through someone. At some point, the survivor skills and behavior replace the child. This happens slowly over a period of time. Its a process. Anger is a very common feeling. What is it that you are angry about?

September 20, 2009
9:34 am
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Lanigirl
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Wow, that struck a note Fantas. I also tried to match my behavior to what my mother was feeling so I could avoid a beating. The result was that after altering my behavior, it usually didn't work anyways.

The one positive thing that has come out of my addiction to a person is that usually when he throws the silent treatment my way, I stay and beg him to talk to me, etc. I actually had the thought in my head this last time, why am I staying around for this and I walked away.

Darkeyes, the fact that you're becoming aware of how you shift your behavior to match others is so great.

I was hoping that continuing to read posts that I would be able to walk away but I guess I'm not ready. But I do appreciate your posts because I get glimmers of how it could be.

September 20, 2009
9:43 am
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mamacinnamon
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I have been learning where I am that detaching has no place in my healthy living. Instead dealing w/ the problems.

I am very good at detaching. Have done it my whole life. Yes, and let other's moods dictate my day; my life. Instead of detaching then learn to say NO; learn to do what darkeyes feels is best. Detaching is the same as ignoring. Taking a proactive stance as fantas says is truly best. Instead of detaching, learn to stand up for yourself in a positive way; not argumentative.

Learn to say (this is my saying for the week) I AM BECAUSE I EXIST; I AM ME. Learn to be you honey. It is hard, but I know you can do it. I am working on that one myself.

September 21, 2009
2:39 pm
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darkeyes
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hi i feel now the only way to detach from someone, is to see them for who they really are, take the tinted glasses that we begin to wear when we fall in love off..our instints tells us, but we'r so badly looking for the fairy tale. people moods effect us cos we'r so eager to please, we dont matter, why cos our emotions for ourselfs have been closed off cos of situations of life, how dare anyone do that to us. now i say if someone around me tries to bring me down, your issiue honey deal with it..... im getting brazen i think YIPEE!!!!........ mamacinnamon I AM ME,I AM WONDERFULL!!, (not exist) we did that now we want to LIVE!!!

September 21, 2009
7:08 pm
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MsGuided
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Fantas.

What you posted on Sept 19th is me to a T!

Same upbringing, with ST as punishment, same response when i'm ignored.

I make jokes to cover up the pain and get others to feel better.

I went throguh a stage in childhood where i tried to win my mother over by trying to be like her, or with gifts. I would spend my allowance on presents for her, and usually felt deflated when she was displeased. It took a few years for me to give up on pleasing her all together, into outright rebellion as a teen.

I actually embrace these aspects of myself now because i look at them as healthy coping or response mechanisms.

Isn't there cause for concern if one lashes out at others in a cruel sadistic way?

I have to admit i do have trouble detaching from others emotions. I sense the effect others moods have on me and have to make an effort to keep myself from getting sucked in.

darkeyes. U have made me re-visit a few things and yes! You're on the right track by not wanting to take others problems on.

I guess I'm struggling with that now in a few family situations.

It's always harder to detach from them with me.

September 21, 2009
7:25 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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i have two sayings posted on my computer monitor to remind me daily because so often my online relationships are the ones that bring me the most pleasure and the most pain. They are "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission" and "dont be dependant on other people to make you happy...its your job!"

I try to live by those creeds but some days are better than others. But no matter how much we are ignored..mistreated..etc...its still up to US at the end of the day to say...you are ok..you are human...you deserve love and if no one else can provide that..then heck..i am gonna give it to myself. Everyday is a journey for me to really love me for me and not based off of someone else's approval of me. It's a fine line sometimes between feeling that and becoming just cold and bitter to the world, but i am learning to balance.

I agree...detaching is not dealing and it will only come up and bite you later on. Sorta like numbing the pain thru some addictive thing etc...It's always nice to be validated but try validating yourself once in awhile. I think Atalose said recently in a thread that we have 1000's of thoughts that go thru our mind a day and we choose which ones to dwell on...that one hit home so much for me. U can dwell on how bad someone is making you feel..or let it slip thru and dwell on good things. We do have choices and we need to take back the control!

September 22, 2009
4:41 am
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darkeyes
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OADF,MSG.i think i detached all my life, thats why now im dealing with it, with all these feelings and issiues that come up one at a time and are they coming up.. now i say stop!! i have a opinion, its valid, im here, see me.. afraid of anger is now coming up for me, others anger towards me cos im giving my opinion in things i dont agree with.. i can feel myself backing down, going into my shell, to stop them hurting,and saying im sorry, saying what i say dont matter..its there hurt im taking care of,their feelings, what about mine, they dont see that, im seeing that now, il post as i learn!!!!!!

September 22, 2009
12:39 pm
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MsGuided
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darkeyes,
Same thing with me.
When i stick up for myself, don't except the bad treatment i get they step up their stance, increase the silent treatment, try to make me feel like i'm not entitled to valid feelings.

It's being a scapegoat for me. But I don't feel guilty anymmore. I see less of them. Why bother?

I don't need to feel like i don't matter anymore. I had to find my own value, and the words of others outside my family, encouraging supportive words brought me some balance. It takes time but you are waking up and protesting. Going through the process of claiming back your life.

If we don't get what we need or deserve from our families we either continue to take it, or do the work to find healthier more loving relationships.

You're right they don't see it. They're selfish.

Continue to nurture your own self esteem and seek out positive support from others. Do what makes you happy and beleive in yourself. The rewards will eventually come.

September 22, 2009
2:31 pm
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atalose
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I think detachment is a tough concept. It all depends on who and what we are detaching from.

If I have to detach from someone who was supposed to be my partner in life, then really what's the point? Marriage and detachment don't go together in my world. I find detachment a useful tool only when there are no other choices.

We can learn to detach from unacceptable behavior without having to detach from the person.

We can learn the difference between detaching and avoiding.

We can learn to feel our own feelings without anyone else’s help good or bad because they are not responsible for how we feel. It’s not their job to make us feel better, that’s up to us.

If we continue to stick around people who treat us poorly, disregard our feeling and won’t allow us to voice our opinions then we are making a choice and WE need to deal with our own emotions regarding our choices.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 23, 2009
1:32 pm
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darkeyes
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hi detach is such a hugh word, i think when we become emotionally conected to someone we attach, regardless of how they behave, something in us is been filled, what im not sure yet..i think as we grow healthy detaching is part of that prosess. over last few days ive voiced my opinion on a issiue at dancin, and i made a point that my opinion was mine and it was valid, je what a reaction i got from this other guy,, he didnt like what i had to say how dare i go against him, and sadly for him i found out he was only ever lieing to me in all he said for over 4 yrs. he turned it all back on me i torementing him my so intention in hurting him in texting him, and all the things i did, for the first time i stood my ground, i acknowledge his feelings and i apologiesed and that i did all he said if he felt that way.. things got worse, a anger came up in me i had to leave the situation, i got afraid of me.. now thats over i could never speak to him again no matter what,, saw him for what he is..its all raw for me but its a healing raw....so a void im filling in myself for myself but i have no name for it or what feeling it is.... yes choice is so important, we have one in all situations,until we realize that we stay stuck, somewhere along the linethat was destroyed in us.....anger i have to release its a hugh emotion, but im finding i have it feel it when it comes up and let it pass....

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