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How do i deal with the intense desire to call
May 30, 2005
10:56 pm
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Brivon
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My ex returns to town wednesday night i really need to know how to avoid being drawn back in by him. The last break up we had i found myself constantly worried about him though he had violated the relationship. I've also become very aware of the co-dependency in my parents relationship.I should also mention i'm being treated for depression and ADHD.I would also like to now some tools to avoid calling and more importantly answering calls my ex is incredibly manipulative and in his presense i often feel powerless as if i've lost my voice and decision making skills. Also the good memories make me want to call and give it one more chance when it's really evident that one more chance will quickly and inevitably lead to the same pattern. I'm lost and scared what are the day to day steps i want to be healthy and not afraid of going threw the pain of loss i know i will feel.

May 30, 2005
11:08 pm
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exoticflower
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Brivon, have you looked at the 'no contact' club? It was started to get a bunch of us who are working on establishing no contact and keep getting drawn in through a really rough week, but you know, in codependancy there can be a LOT of rough weeks before things start to get better.

Good for you recognizing the patterns and wanting better. That's a great thing, give yourself credit for it, let yourself feel a little empowered!

There is a lot of talk on these boards lately about writing a final love letter, which is a great idea. There is of course journaling to sort through your feelings about your ex and help you identify what it is that makes you want to contact him, what you want from contact and why that may not be best...just some thoughts. Good luck, great to see you here again!

May 31, 2005
6:07 am
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CAMER
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if you get the urge to call.....don't and just post your feelings here. You are so better off with the "no contact" otherwise you'll end up getting back into the same ol' routine, and not being happy......keep posting here, we will support you!!!

May 31, 2005
7:31 am
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InPainZHT
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Brivon,

I agree with exotic flower; it is REALLY good that you recognize your problem. I think it is one of the most difficult struggles most people on this board have.... the desire to contact, as well as our susceptability to thier manipulation.

Your mind is designed to block out bad memories; it's a self defense mechanism all human beings have. Generally, it is a good thing; in the case of people like ourselves, however, it can be bad. Nostalgia can really weaken your resolve.

A hate list seems to be very helpful to many people, though some physcological doctrines say focusing on anything negative is bad; however, I think in this rare case, it isn't. While your mind is clear and your memory still in tact of all the really bad things this person did, make a list of them. BE SURE and include the words "I HATED THAT...", or "I HATED IT WHEN...", or whatever is appropriate to each trait this person had. The longer the list the better. It's another self-affirmation mind trick, not only to remind yourself but reinforce a concept. The idea is that you should consult this list during times of weakness- or if you simply haven't consulted it in a while and come across it, just to refresh your memory. By the time I get to the end of reading my list, I find myself saying "OOOOH yea, that's why I left her."

Another trick (I should start a thread alone just on this) is aversion therapy. It's simple; place a rubberband on your wrist. Everytime you think about him, or at least in a nostalgic or positive manner, snap yourself real good. Make it sting. Generally, if you are consistent with this, you will no longer think about him after about 21 days, for unknown to you, your brain has been reprogrammed on deep levels to not prefer to reconstruct the nueral processes that lead to memories of him, because it has been trained to receive negative feedback for doing it. You can actually use this trick to program your mind to stop doing nearly anything- thinking about food, procrastinating, etc. You must be consistent, however; if you only sting yourself once in a while, your mind gets conflicting signals and dismisses the negative feedback reinforcement.

InPain

May 31, 2005
9:43 am
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sweetlola
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You see how this toxic relationship is similar to an addiction. I know, because I am in a similar situation. One concrete suggestion is to change your phone number (or in some states you can actually block his number). Don't settle for scraps when you could have so much better. Remember, he is manipulating you - he does not feel the same way that you do. Keep saying that over and over to yourself - perhaps you will begin to believe it.

May 31, 2005
10:01 am
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InPainZHT
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Sweetlola,

I think you have it perfectly framed with the phrase "you see it is like an addiction". Now there are whole lines of study and thought to the effect that it IS an addiction. You feel empty, you miss something that it ONCE gave you (like the original highs that narcotics offered before body & brain damage as well as tolerance set in).

So you reach out to get another "hit".

Fact is, just like the narcotic addictions, it gets to the point that the "hits" don't really make you feel good anymore, after a while; they are what you feel you need just to keep from feeling miserable.

InPain

May 31, 2005
10:32 am
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artist 2
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Brivon, have at least two friends you can call when you get the urge. Tell them you need them to receive the call, or you can just leave a message. Believe me, just making contact with someone can relieve the urge to pick up that phone! Have another friend make you accountable, like at the end of the day or week--so you can tell him/her you did not call your ex.

May 31, 2005
11:10 am
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Brivon
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It has been mentioned to me before about writing things own i'm wondering how much that works it totally makes sense, my mind does this amazing trick where it remembers not 1 bad time like getting kicked out of his house in a snow storm or him cutting up all my new clothes because my roommate bought them, my mind will remember walking to walgreens during our vacation on south beach and laying on the beach for hours.This is going to be one ofthe hardest things i've ever done in my life i don't even recognize the confident, self assured damn near cocky person i used to be. How did this happen?

May 31, 2005
11:57 am
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InPainZHT
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Brivon,

It's not your fault; that is the way all human minds work, generally. It is usually a good thing; it helps block out bad memories of our past that provide nothing useful for us today.

However, in the case of relationships gone very bad due to a less than healthy person (that you don't need to be with), it may not be so good. TRY IT!

Make sure you keep the list AND a pen/pencil handy because as time goes on, you'll recall other bad things just out of the blue. RIGHT THEM DOWN!

The longer this list, the better. Some people have also found it useful to make a list of "cons" to taking them back; that is to say, a list of all the bad things about them (not necessarily things they've done you hated) that you would have to put up with, given the option to reunite with them.

In my ex's case, the following were included on my "no way in hell" list;
(1) She has an impending law suit do to irresponsible financial behavior;

(2) She has a warrant for her arrest for not showing up to court for a traffic fine;

(3) She has 5 protective bond orders against her from various people where she cannot come within 500 feet of thier property or thier persons, due to violent tendencies on her part (who knows WHY or WHAT happened, I don't care; that's too many for her to be innocent)

(4) She is so irresponsible financially that she has mounting bills but isn't doing anything about improving her ability to take care of them, nor is she changing her habits and behaviors that are incurring further financial burden;

(5) Drug use... including but not limited to overinduldgence in xanax, somas, marijuana and crystal methamphetamine.

(6) Such overinduldgence to drugs that she has put herself into zombie states at times, while having children in the house or backyard to attend to. She once drove like that to her (ex)best friend's house, and stumbled all over her house tripping on everything until she passed out on the couch (fortunately her friends watched the kids until she woke up)

(7) Refusing to stay out of damaging friendships with harmful, sour people; one such person is fresh out of prison who joined the aryan supremists (good person to have around your children) who takes mind-altering drugs and is very violent in behavior. ALL her friends are narcotics abusers wrought with other personal problems that stem from that addiction.

Should I go on???? These aren't things that she did to ME that I hate, or dislike (better word), but they are definitely aspects about her that make considering a reunion with her more difficult.

InPain

May 31, 2005
9:18 pm
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Brivon
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It's a little after 9 pm and i'm very nervous tonite you guys i've kepy myself busy all day trying not to think of my ex and his imminent return tommorow evening. I went out to eat and shopping with my roommate and no sooner than we left the department dtore i was consumed with thses overall feelings of sadness not to menion it seemed like everything that crossed my sight reminded me of my ex,needless to say some moments were very very quite.Tommorow the pressure begins call me he'll say, come over he'll say and i'll muster the strenghth to say it's over our relationship is toxic it's no good for me or him', he'll of course deny having had relations with anyone in puerto rico which will totally anger me since every relatonship he has ever had has dissipitated because of his lies and infidelity, I have to get away shed my tears have my moments that seem as if i can't go on. Thank you all or your support i'll keep you updated. Pray for me to have strength

May 31, 2005
9:24 pm
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Brivon
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I forgot to mention that he has not attempted to contact since yesterday around 2pm which on 1 hand is great but on the other i'd be lying if i said i wasn't wondering what or who was keeping him so occupied that i haven't heard from him in more than 24 hours. Again exoticflower,CAMER,InPainZHT,sweetola and artist 2 thank you all for your advice.

Brivon

June 1, 2005
6:53 pm
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Brivon
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Guys i did call today i swear just to find out exactly what time he was coming home so i can pick up my clothes the real test will come tonite when he gets home and tries to have me come over i don't wanna lie and i know if i go it will cause ore harm than good.

Brivon

June 2, 2005
2:42 am
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Cinamac
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Brivon-

Keep posting...

I have ADD and I find it hard not to phone... One aspect of ADD is that I am impulsive and before I know it, I am thinking it and then I am doing it...I don't have much of an executive function. I find it hard not to graze, popping stuff into my mouth before you know it it is there.

The suggestions here are awesome- I wear an elastic- and refer to my list...thanks

June 2, 2005
10:34 am
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Liamo
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Im in this awful position too,wanting to call someone who has nothing to give me except misery, what am I doing with him for 2 years, caring for him, advising him sorting out his problems, and then he walks away, I laugh sometimes, as my real problem is I don't have the patience to wait til he goes down the drain, which I know he will, when we talk now he tells me how well he is doing, and that he feels much stronger, and is getting his dignity back, baloney!! but a small part of me believes him.Like I was the worst thing that happened to him. Any suggestions?

June 2, 2005
7:20 pm
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Brivon
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Liamo i had a very similar situation the other day my ex is at gay pride in puerto rico telling me people arn't attracted to him because he's not in his best physical shape and what do i do re-assure him that he's a beautiful person and that they don't know what they're missing. You get what you asked for 2 days later there is a message on his phone from some guy from cali that he hooked up with and was calling to leave his contact info and thank him for a good time. The stinger was him denyiny (of course) that he had given his number to anyone.

Brivon

June 2, 2005
10:03 pm
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Brivon
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The sh_t hit the fan today yall my ex busted me and i really think i hurt him leading him to believe we would get back together.....not a good night.

Brivon

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