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How do I confess/go on?
November 17, 2000
12:57 pm
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murph411
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I got drunk at a Halloween party and slept with another woman. I am 30 and have been married for 5 years. I have a 4 month at home. My wife and I are christians. I don't know if I should tell her and if I should how to. The guilt turns to anger and just a desire not feel anything lest I break down.

November 17, 2000
1:35 pm
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MrGuitar
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That is a very tough situation. I know this though, you cannot just let it go and hope that she will never find out. She will, and you will feel sick inside the whole time. The best thing to do is tell her now and get to a counselor and begin the healing process. The sooner you do, the better it will be for everyone involved. I wish you the best.

November 17, 2000
1:50 pm
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murph411
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It will crush her and most likely end our marriage. I keep thinking it must be better for me just to deal with this than for to hurt her buy telling her. I deserve feeling the way I feel probably anyways. I don't believe she would ever find out unless I tell her.

November 18, 2000
9:02 pm
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janes
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

If you are a Christian...why were you drunk?

Sure. You are guilty.

I find it offensive that you can simply say...it will crush her and end our marriage....and also feel the guilt turning to anger.

As a Chrsitian what you did was not right. Wether or not you tell her..you need to seek counseling about it.

Can you envision never telling her and having this between you for the next 50 years?

Maybe not telling is the right way for you to go. But I just don't get why you would be angry (at her?) when you are the one who made the mistake.

Christians are supposed to be forgiving. Have you thought that maybe she will forgive you? THis will, and has already, changed your relationship to your wife and the mother of your infant child forever...even if she never knows.

YOU have put yourself in a tough situation. This does not mean that it will be forever bad. This may be a chance for the two of you to GROW as individuals and as a couple.

But you are the only one in control at this point.

November 19, 2000
4:37 am
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nhonst
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i think it's best that you should confront her with you problem rather than keeping it secret.. when you run away from a problem. it will soon come haunt you again.. putting a away a problem in a closet and walking off.. someday that problem will always be there when you will open the closet again.

the best thing you should do is face your fears and accept your wrong doing.. go up to her .. have her understand that what you did is wrong and you accept guilt for it.. and that you vow never to do it again.. i'm sure her knowing the truth will hurt alot but she is human and she will forgive you because you ask for forgiveness. win back her trust and make her trust you.. you'll be ok : )

November 19, 2000
11:10 pm
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Asa
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As Janes said, you are in control at this point and for what it is worth, I would suggest not telling. I've never been in that situation so my words may be a little misguided, however, what I believe is that the heavy burden on your shoulders should not be passed on to the one you love. And that is exactly what you'll be passing on to them. The momentary relief you may feel for admiting your one-nighter to your partner may produce in them long lasting feelings of anger, suspicion, and lack of trust that they do not deserve carry with them for the rest of their lives. Again, they are carrying the burden of your unfortunate mistake. Though genuine attempts for forgiveness and forgiving may help your relationship, it will be the times in the future when your relationship will face tough times and it is during these that the burden of past mistakes will lay heavy on the shoulders of your wife. It would only be natural.

I say, own up to your mistake to yourself and take responsibility for it. Avoid future senarios with the bottle and enticing women. Channel all of the negative energies of guilt, shame, and remorse and turn them into positive energies and actions that will improve your relationship with your wife and child. I believe it will be meaningful acts of love and devotion that will eclipse the pain you feel right now. The guilt may never go away.. and maybe it should'nt in order to keep you on track, but you have the ability to mend your ways without dragging the ones you love into the mess you've created.

November 20, 2000
12:36 am
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cerry
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Are we all perfect? ....No.
Do we all make mistakes?....Yes

As Janes states.... He who has NOT sinned may cast the first stone. This applies to all of us here. No, I am not preaching but someone is reaching out and what are we doing? Condemning. Yes, the man made a mistake which may or may not hurt his marriage depending on HIS decision. My ADVISE, is to come clean. You did something wrong and of course know the consequences of the act. If you love your wife and she loves you, this is the time where communication and honesty come into the picture. Be honest with yourself and with her. It only gets worse if you hide something. It is like an infection. If it is not treated it will get worse and make you sick. Don't keep punishing yourself and do what you think is right.
Take care and good luck

November 20, 2000
9:33 am
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murph411
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I am not angry at my wife. I am angry with myself. Unfortunately that angry gets vented towards my family and co-workers sometimes. I think I am in agreement with Asa. This is my burden. I need to get some counseling, learn if possible, to forgive myself, and go on without my wife having to deal with this.

November 20, 2000
11:26 am
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Asa
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I tried to think about it in more simplistic terms and I came up with this: If you think this was a one-time affair that you will learn from, don't tell her. If you believe in your heart that this affair may be repeated again under similar curcumstances with the same woman or someone else then perhaps maybe you should tell her. Obviously there is more going on in your head than just being part of a one-night drunken lust fest. Perhaps the result of this be a a quick reality check for you and a revealing of the real status of your marriage. The risk of losing your wife and family I suppose is very real but maybe forgiveness and moving on will find its way into the relationship. If not, atleast you'll all go your separate waysnand not torture yourself or your wife with continued trists.

November 20, 2000
12:02 pm
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murph411
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Soul searching can be so painful. I have spent little time anything else though lately. This was a one time thing. I have for most of my adult life had an older man that I confided in, sought counsel from, and had hold me accountable. I have not had such a person as of late in my life. I find with out a "bouncing board" I tend to let my desires and emotions lead me more. I think the best thing to do is get some good counseling, find a mentor, and going forward spend more time working (perhaps with more honesty) on my marriage. I don't plan on telling her about my major mistake. It is mine to carry.

November 20, 2000
7:13 pm
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Molly
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I don't think that if you intend on continuing the marriage, that you should tell her. I believe that this is your sin to carry. You can get counseling if you think necessary, but most important is do you know why you did what you did, can you celebrate what you have in your life and start to honor it, can you forgive your self, if so get on with it. You alone will carry the burdon, where it belongs, you can begin with the pennance of celebrating your wife, your family, and never ever breaking their trust again. If you can do that then move on, don't make her pay, because she will, in that she will never trust you again. Make it up to her by being a good man, and husband, she will sense, but if you are honorable in the future, it will pass.

November 20, 2000
10:03 pm
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gingerleigh
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I have actually been in this situation, almost identically. There was a lot of alcohol involved, and it was a drunken fling. I felt guilty about the whole thing, but resolved to learn from the situation rather than dwell on it, and consciously avoid situations where I might compromise my marriage. After a month, I thought that things had passed, and I could get on with my life. Not so.

One month later, my husband sat me down and asked me to come clean. I denied that I even knew what he was talking about. He finally told me that he knew everything, and confessed to reading my email because he hadn't felt right about me and about how we interacted for the last few weeks. He had sensed a phoniness in me. (I'm sure that your wife can sense that too.) When he confronted me, he was giving me one final out to be honest and tell him everything. Because I continued to hide and lie, I lost him.

This was not all a negative experience, although I wish to God it had never happened. I came to realize some of my motivations for making my mistake, and it has helped me become a truer and more loyal loving person. I had been building up a lot of bitterness inside me and swallowing it, bitterness over things that he did daily, things that made me feel unwanted, unappreciated, and unloved. My infidelity was my way of acting out against him and demonstrating that I did not wish to be treated that way. It would of course have been much more effective to talk it out, but hindsight is 20/20 after all.

Tell her. She will find out one way or another. She will be devastated, yes. She may want to end the relationship, and you need to give her the time and the option to know who you are and make that decision. Be honest, tell her exactly what happened. Were you just lonely? Angry with her for some reason? Too drunk to realize what you were doing? She needs to know, and she should find it out from you rather than hearing about it at another party, reading it in your email, or, perhaps reading it on allaboutcounselling.com....

Good luck. It will be hard, but it will be worth it, no matter what the outcome.

November 21, 2000
10:03 am
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murph411
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I've decided not to tell her about my infidelity. It will not happen again. An interesting question has been raised though... why did it happen. I have been thinking on this. My wife is a wonderful woman. She is very even keeled. She doesn't get very depressed, very angry, or very excited. She is...content. I am a emotional and passionate person though. Our sex life is not my ideal because she could live without it. That hurts me I guess. I want to be wanted. I want passion. In every other way my wife is the perfect companion, complementing me, and filling in the gaps where I am lacking. She balances me. The sex thing though makes me feel like I am not the man I should be. We have been married for 5 years and she has never had an orgasm and could care less if she ever does. It just isn't important to her. I think I need some professional help. I don't know how to deal with these issues anymore.

November 21, 2000
4:27 pm
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Murph111.

You said,"I've decided not to tell her about my infidelity. It will not happen again." Good, on both accounts.

You said, "The sex thing though makes me feel like I am not the man I should be." Do you think that your sexual needs are partly based on your seeking self-confirmation and validation as a person of worth?

PS. From one Murph... to another: Up the Irish. 🙂

November 22, 2000
1:46 pm
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murph411
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I have to say, my need for self-confirmation and validation is a problem for me. Codependent may be a term to describe me. I'm not sure. I know I end up question my ability in other areas of life due to my...lack up ability to excite my wife.

November 22, 2000
4:17 pm
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Murph411.
It seems to me from my life experiences that sex isn't as important to women as it is to men. This is just my impression and I may be wrong in generalising from my personal experiences.

For us guys, it seems that our self worth is very closely correlated with how we perceive our performance in bed. Women tend to look down on this as male macho behavior. But, I believe that women don't realise that they closely relate their self worth with their perceptions of themselves as mothers and carers.

I think this all originates in evolutionally derived drives. Men are designed by nature to propagate, far and wide, with as many women as possible and women to nest and nurture the young. Any perception of a lack of the where with all to fulfil these respective roles brings about feelings of low worth.

Men, unless overly endowed, are worried about their penis size and women about breast size; concern over propagation potentialities versus concern over nurture potentialities. Sorry about the over-generatisation.

Childhood issues further complicate the whole scenario.

Now, I've done it. I'll be under attack from the ladies now. 🙂

November 22, 2000
6:24 pm
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Molly
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No, no Tez, right on of course I am a large breasted woman, damn genetics, but to me sex is not nearly as important to me as it has been to the two men in my life. I have had a total of 7 sexual relationships, and I must admit, that I enjoy the closeness, and orgasm when it happens is great, but for me, the foreplay, the listening, actually hearing me, and recognizing my brilliance, laughing with me when I think I am funny, trusting me when I contribute my opinion of decisions, celebrating me for my quirks, my gifts of cooking, and my contribution to their wholeness, is what really rocks my world. When I get that I feel confident, when I feel confident, I feel sexy. My mate is on meds, it took 3 years for him to express that this was the problem, its still a problem but not with me, its his stuff, and it is effecting the relations as a whole. I get that he doesn't fell like a MAN, but it is not sex, or sexual power that makes a man, its his character.

November 23, 2000
3:34 pm
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Molly.

It seems that evolution has landed us with a sexuality mismatch. Or has it? I'm not sure. But it sure causes problems in relationships, doesn't it.

Murph411 feels terrible about losing control under the influence of alcohol and behaving as his genetics dictated.

I suspect that, driven by the fear of losing their own men through infidelity, most women would heap scorn on him for doing 'what comes naturally'.

Whilst I don't condone deceiving one's partner, I'm not sure that spilling one's guts to that partner to relieve 'Christian guilt' is such a wise course of action. Since the picadillo was meaningless and just an isolated indiscretion, I think that he would do well to just chalk it up to experience. However, I think that the ladies would like to see him suffer for evoking emotional insecurity responses in them. I suspect that my seeming to excuse Murph's faux pax, might just do the same. I hope not.

The battle of the sexes is alive and well.

November 24, 2000
8:22 am
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murph411
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It is interesting that Molly hits on what really rocks her world as the foreplay, the listening, actually hearing me, and recognizing my brilliance, laughing with me when I think I am funny, trusting me when I contribute my opinion of decisions, celebrating me for my quirks, my gifts of cooking, and my contribution to their wholeness. My wife would say much the same. The problem is even when I try to play to these/give her the attention and appreciation she wants and deserves it doesn't turn into her "feeling sexy". I do all the work and get nothing in return. Don't get me wrong. I want her to feel and know I love her and for who she is, regardless of what the response is. But golly, I would love an "I want you" response every once in awhile.

November 26, 2000
5:42 pm
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Murph411.

Being a male, I know how you feel. We want to feel 'spunky' by virtue of our physical attributes and maleness. We want our woman to make us feel physically 'desirable' by responding instantly to our sexual advances as we would to theirs. If only.....

Women want to feel desirable too, but in a different way. They seem to abhor men just wanting their bodies. They want to be 'seen' and 'wanted' for what's inside of them. They want to feel loved for who they are. It's hard to put into words. But they want you to desire their 'soul', before they want to give you their 'body'. Wow, I think I have opened a 'can of worms' here. 🙂

Is your wife into finger tip back massages? I find that one can write little love messages on a woman's back and arms that are quite tintillating for them. Maybe after a long massage with lots of messages, she may respond.

Not suggesting that you do the following things, but I have found sulking, manipulating, threatening and blackmailing by suggesting that I go seeking satisfaction via 'Mrs Palm and her five daughters' and elsewhere, very non productive. It can result in getting more sex, but the quality is not there. It's like prostitution. It dooms the relationship to failure.

I've learnt that women's and men's idea of foreplay is very different. Wow, was this ever a discovery for me. I've found that intimate (ball room) dancing is good foreplay for women. Are you into dancing, wining and dining by candlelight etc? Or have kids prohibited all that?

However, I'm not one to give advice in this area. Let me hold my piece and listen to the ladies. Come on ladies, what really turns you on? Is it a 'six pack' of rippling stomach muscles, tight abs, bulging pecs and biceps? Or is it the smooth talking European gentleman who whispers sweet nothings and knows how to treat a lady as a lady? Perhaps a mixture of both? What have I left out? 🙂

November 27, 2000
8:44 am
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murph411
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I also am interested in the lady's view here? I'm desperate. Give me some clues.

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