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How do I break thought patterns?
October 20, 2005
12:00 pm
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br549
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I am backsliding about a past relationship. I am having thoughts/fanticies about our lost physical relationship followed about getting revenge and messing up her present situation, and what I would do if I ever saw/talked to her again, would I take her back.

When I thing logically I realize that we were not the right persons for each other. She saw this first and did what she had to do, but in a way I consider cheap. Had i left her I doubt I would be thinking about it this long.

I assume this is what is known as obsessive thought process? It seems to be all i think about for awhile. Then it goes away and I am ok. But something happens that brings her back into my mind. A picture, something she left at my house. Presently a hurricane is heading toward where she lives and I find myself rooting for the storm! How miserable is that?

How do you break the thought processes?

Also I seem to day dream a lot about the way I want things to be. When I try to meditate on my recovery my mind slips into fantasy. What's up with that?

October 20, 2005
12:04 pm
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revelation
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Hi, I think this is quite normal...I do it too, I think there are two things that help, first is time, in time these thoughts will ease. second and most important is keeping yourself busy, you'll find that if you keep busy, other thoughts will fill you mind and you'll no longer think of her so much.

Chin up,
Rev.

October 20, 2005
2:23 pm
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br549
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Rev.

Thanks for the encouragement. Just wanted to know if these were normal thought patterns. I don't like not being able to focus. I can go for days making progress then slip and fall back into missing her, being angry, and so forth. I know I am better off without her but can't seem to push her out of my mind.

Time heals right? Hurry up time.

October 20, 2005
3:04 pm
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revelation
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Yeh it does heal..I know its hard in between though..just keep focusing on the thought that you are better off without her...I'm trying to do the same thing,

My Ex came to the conclusion that we were not compatible a few months ago...I wasn't willing to except that at first, I thought that if we loved each other we could get over the hurdles...but no, we can't we are not compatible, we both have issues, I'm dealing with mine through counselling, he is not, therefore, we can't work.

October 20, 2005
3:12 pm
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on my way
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hi br,
i know the reasons i kept thinking about my past relationship is that there were issues for me that were not solved. fought it at first, but then thought to myself ok, go with it. to try to bury emotions alive does not work, they rise again at the most inoporrtune times...a song, a picture, a memory.

i found that i learned alot about who i am, what i can handle, and where i want to go. pain is not always a negative, always light at the end of what seems to be a very dark tunnel. just takes time to walk through.

October 20, 2005
4:11 pm
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taj64
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It is when we want to rush time ahead so as to feel better but it doesn't work that way. You have to allow the process to happen. It is often very slow. I heard someting on the radio this morning about feeling hurt or that things are not right, that is when you have to have faith, that is it is for a reason to have this pain in your life right now. It is to prepare you for something else and it is something to learn.

October 20, 2005
10:22 pm
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mamabear
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Not sure what post I put this on, but I have put it somewhere

A friend once told me that you can't keep a bird from flying over your head but you can keep it from building a nest in your hair.

She told me that when I was having problems with thoughts that I didn't want to have, and it has been an enormous help to me. I can't stop the thought that pops into my mind, but I can keep from dwelling on it. For me this is about negative thoughts about myself (anybody know about the inner critic). I start to have bad thoughts: self criticism/beating myself up/reliving past mistakes/hurting myself etc and I can't help that initial thought, but what I do is say yes even out loud sometimes is "get out of my head!" and I deliberately choose to think of something beautiful, positive, or helpful. Replace the destructive with the beneficial. Choose to control your thoughts rather than allowing your thoughts to control you.

Hope this helps someone else. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this too
Mamabear

October 21, 2005
2:29 am
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Lass
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Mamabear... you soooooo wise.

I have read a book called Loving What Is, kind of Buddhist or something in approach, but helpful. The idea being to ask:

"Is that thought really true?"
"Absolutely true?"
"Where would you be without that thought?"
"How do you feel when you think that thought?"
"Would you be willing to let go of that thought?"

It really does help to bring a little discipline into our thought processes, even a determination not to let them run away with us too much by feeding it the fantasy.

i always thought myself a realist, but more and more I wonder if I am Fantasygirl.

LL

October 21, 2005
6:29 pm
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mamabear
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Thanks Lass, I don't consider myself wise, I have some bits of wisdom in me, but the more I learn, the more I realize that there is so much more I need to learn! I just like to share the things that help me in hopes that it may help others.
Mamabear

October 21, 2005
6:42 pm
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orangeboy
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you just do it. really. we can control our thoughts.

but what's beneath them are our feelings, and those need to be paid attention to. writing in a journal will probably help. or just blabbering on and on onscreen here too, that's what i usually do lol.

'cos if you can tend to your feelings, you can control your thoughts and if you can control your thoughts you can be honest with your words and if you can be honest with your words, your actions will be on the same page.

October 21, 2005
6:48 pm
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orangeboy
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another thing is that when i was figuring out how to stop thinking so negatively about myself, i allowed myself as much time as i needed, and i let myself write down each and every negative thought about myself that i had. all the icky nastiness. and i cried and cried and thought that it'd never end. but you know, it did. a few typed pages later, and i couldn't think of a single other nasty thought to say about myself.

and that alone made me feel a sense of relief. just to know that there was an end to it.

but what made me feel even better, was to go through and really examine each thought, look at where it was coming from, what experience influenced it, whether it was my voice or my abusers';

and then i saw how none of them were actually honestly true. most of them were things to hold me back, nasty little voices that were working against me. and so once i saw that, they didn't have any more power.

so then i made myself write down a rebuttal to each thing. and whenever that thought would come into my head again, i would respond with a rebuttal. it didn't take long before those things quit coming.

i'm sure that there's a way to apply this to your situation, but i don't know enough about your situation to suggest how to do it. try it, it worked like a miracle for me.

October 23, 2005
10:57 am
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mamabear
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I like that orangeboy, I may try it myself the next time I am in one ofmy despairing moods.
Mamabear

October 23, 2005
11:12 am
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garfield9547
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oranjeboy

i am definately going to try this. I might know more about me in the process and that can only be good

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