Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
How do I break old patterns?
October 30, 2006
4:11 pm
Avatar
raisinette
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is my first time on this site. I don't like "titles" but I am (along with so many other dysfunctions!) an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My father was a very heavy drinker and very abusive. I never received accceptance or approval or love from him and it seems like I keep searching for it even now (he has passed away). I am in my third marriage and keep following the same pattern. Find an emotionally distant, addicted man and marry him. My first marriage was 10 years, 2 girls (now grown). I started drinking, had an affair and left him blaming it on his "the world owes me" attitude. (I did not leave him for the "other man" - the relationship had already ended) My 2nd marriage only lasted a year to an alcoholic. I started drinking, had an affair and left. This time I left him for the other man who was addicted to drugs and abusinve. After a long 5 years I finally left him. Within a month I met my current husband. He has addiction problems (currently under control) and a tendency to emotionally distance himself from me. He has a history of sexual abuse as a 3 yr old child so he has his own issues he deals with. I truly love this man. We have been married almost 12 years. When my youngest daughter moved out last year I started my cycle again and started drinking. Then I had a "friend" of ours become my "drinking buddy" while my husband was on the computer doing his on-line classes. The "buddy" became an affair. I have always told Jesse (not his real name) that I would NEVER repeat my past mistakes (which he knows all about) and cheat on him. I still dont understand how I justified it to myself. I lied over and over when Jesse confronted me and finally could not handle it and moved out. I think I thought if I moved out I could then tell him about it and pretend nothing happened until after I left. That "plan" fell through (thankfully). Jesse's brother became quite ill and it brought us into the same room but focused on another need besides "us". We ended up getting back together again. I did not even realize how much I missed him or how much he loves me. He again confronted me about his suspicions and I decided that if we were to have any real chance of a future together I needed to be honest with him about everything. He actually took it well, said he was almost relieved to know he wasn't going crazy after all. I have been back home for 6 months. We did go to about a half dozen counseling sessions which helped open up some discussions but are no longer in counseling. We are talking about starting back up because old behavior patterns are (already) surfacing. I have a tendency to pull back and shut down when he wants to talk serious. Verbal communication is hard for me because I tend to get emotional and then let my emotions dictate my words. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I feel so much guilt and remorse that I never felt before and I could just cry when I stop and realize what damage I caused just by not being able to communicate my needs effectively. I dont know sometimes if we will ever be able to fully recover from this. I swear to him that an affair will never happen again, that I really learned from this one, but how do I really know and where do I go from here? Any insight or encouragement would help.

October 30, 2006
4:20 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You need to return to therapy. It will help you enormously.

October 30, 2006
4:25 pm
Avatar
raisinette
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That will likely be in the near future. Our previous therapist moved her practice and it's going to be difficult starting all over again with another one

October 30, 2006
4:34 pm
Avatar
thedogsmom
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

raisenette.
Welcome to this site. I'm probably not the best one to give advice as I'm here for help with my own dysfunctional relationship problems. I have no addictions and have Never cheated on anybody as I believe it is wrong. But I try not to judge other people and am very forgiving. My hubby is addicted to meth and Im not sure if he has cheated on me but I wouldn't put it past him.
Back to your question. How do I break old patterns? Practice practice practice..doing something different from what you have been doing.
First..I want to commend you for having the guts to tell him the truth about your affair. NOt an easy thing to do when you had promised him you would never cheat and i"m sure had lied many times about it. BUt I think that was a GREAT move and took MUCH courage to do. Okay to be remorseful but let go of the guilt. He chose to forgive you and to stay with you...so forgive yourself too. We all do things we regret and make bad choices sometimes, sometimes hurting other people. You stopped the affair, told him the truth and promised it wouldn't happen again. Concentrate on that. Guilt serves no purpose..after the fact.. and what you've done is after the fact. you cheated.. can't take that back. It's done. Its over. next time you feel the urge to cheat..let the guilty feelings help guide you into making the right choice next time to not go through with it.
Learning to communicate is a difficult thing. Do some reading on healthy relationships and communicating effectively. Go to counseling again- if he is willing. Have you stopped drinking? that seems like your weakness...what probably gets you into trouble as you are likely to make poor and spontaneous choices when you are drunk.
TDS

October 30, 2006
4:52 pm
Avatar
raisinette
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, I have stopped drinking and he is very willing to go back to counseling. I count my blessings every day and do not regret being honest with him about the affair although, gotta say, it was the toughest conversation I ever had. I do realize that I have issues I still need to deal with. I have 4 sisters who do not seem to have as much dysfunction as I seem to have and wish we were a little closer so I could find out how they handled our childhood so well. Only 1 has gone to counseling (when her marriage ended)so I really wonder if it's just me. My oldest sister tells me to "Get over it" which seems simple but is not something that seems to work for me! I just want to embrace the happiness I feel at coming home and want to ignore the problems. My mother taught me well how to bury my head in the sand and I'm just learning to pull it out and open my eyes.

October 31, 2006
12:42 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Raisinette,

Welcome 🙂

It is a lot of work to break old patterns but you have made progress.

You see them- which is a big first step. Many people don't realize they are in a bad cycle.

You also are willing to work on changing it. Again another positive step. You are being honest with your husband and yourself. You are admitting to your actions- both positive and negative and examining what you do and why you do it. All of which are essential parts of breaking old patterns.

Some additional key parts are time and persistance- both of which you seem to have. But change takes time, especially when it is embedded patterns that have been established over your lifetime. Some things take a lifetime of work to overcome.

Keep working at it and celebrate your accomplishments 🙂 There is a lot of work to getting healthier- but it is worth every bit of it.

Hugs,
Chelonia

October 31, 2006
1:44 am
Avatar
free
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 433
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Raisin!

glad you're here.

You will find much support from some very compassionate people.

Breaking old patters? It's tough. I broke some by doing things opposite of what i wanted to do. the most significant was dating a man who wasn't my "type." I was not initially atttracted to him.

Now he's my husband and I just love marriage.

free

October 31, 2006
3:56 am
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oprah once said that if you do the same actions you are doomed to get the same results. So,change your actions and the results will be changed also.

Free, I'm proud of the way that you coped with breaking old patterns. Way to go!

~~BonBon

October 31, 2006
4:09 am
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

raisin',

Welcome. I am off to bed before I fall out of my chair but I will check on you tomorrow. OK? Nite, nite.

~~bonita

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
37
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111121
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38715
Posts: 714567
Newest Members:
lovingLaa, zokgassi, Wilthe, Marek, ssdchemical33, jack1palmer
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information