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how do i break away?
September 4, 2006
12:11 am
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clownface
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I have been in a relationship for 6 yrs with a man who is a counselor and is very controling. He is your basic narcasist (sp).

I have left him only to go back again and again. Finally I got the courage to buy my own home and moved out of his two weeks ago. Now I feel like I am dying. I am missing him so badly I can hardly stand it. I am going to counseling but so far with little success.

I called him this evening and we went to dinner. Again I was raked over the coals and told how I did not , could not and would never change--to meet his needs. I set myself up to be disrespected once again.

How can break this codependency? I have left and gone back to him so many times and it is always worse instead of better. I am an intelligent, successful business woman. I SHOULD be able to do this. What is wrong with me???

September 4, 2006
1:11 am
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free
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There's nothing wrong with you silly. The disrespect he shows you validates the disrespect you feel is owed to you. The trick is to find out why you need it, hunger for it, thirst for it.

Research Trauma Bonds. It might click.

In the meantime, stop beating yourself up. You've been beat up enough.

Start a garden. With flowers. My favorite is sunflowers.

free

September 4, 2006
11:40 am
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Matteo
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Educate yourself as much as possible about him, but most of all about yourself; what is about you that misses him and allows him into your life despite the hurt. Finding out about yourself may not necessarily break that bond with him and craving for him.

If he is a narcissist, you don't have much choice, really. You can either leave him and never look back, or you can accept him for who he is and love him unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. There is no other way.

If you read Sam Vaknin’s book, there are chapters devoted to strategies for those who want to stay with their narcissists, and for those who don’t. Try to figure out why you want a relationship with him first. Then decide what you are gaining in a relationship with him and how much are you willing to sacrifice by staying. Otherwise – just stop any contact and a possibility of contact with him and by him. He will never change.

All the best to you.

September 4, 2006
12:26 pm
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Matteo
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P.S. Neither intelligence, nor a degree, great carrier or a financial success guarantees perfect emotional health - I think such thing doesn’t exist, and a relationship like yours happens to people from all walks of life. Be grateful that you are an intelligent person and are able to figure out about your issues, and learn how to avoid another relationship like this. This is as far as correlation between what is happening to you and your success in life goes. Good luck!

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