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How do I behave?
December 11, 2003
4:42 pm
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imSusie
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I used to keep to myself all the time, until I got this wonderfull boss that slowly made me comforatble with him.

As things with hubby got worse, I'd keep my work smile on for everyone but my wonderfull boss, who was allowed to see I was sad. He was very supportive and eventually helped me into therapy.

I was kind of proud of myself for letting him really see me and as he's moved up and I have a new boss, I've been seriously trying to relax and build a relationship with him too (many of you have just helped me through lunch with his wife).

I knew I need to let people in my life and felt like I was working in the right direction.

Now my thereapist has told me I'm codependant and I've read the Codependant No More book, but I'm really confused.

I'm miserable and over emotional. I had this real panic over a simple lunch last night. Then, I had discussion with hubby, that I thought was a step forward since we haven't really talked in years, and he says it made him suicidal and he wants to never talk like that again.

Then I come into work this morning and I get a call from someone angry because they were offended by the way I worded an email. I sent an email off to the original mailing list apologising for bad phrasing on my part and praised and thanked the person I had offended. I then walked to his office to apologise in person. He took it well and you could see the anger melt off him immediately.

As I walked away from him, I burst into tears and when I couldn't keep from crying. I finally went home for a couple of hours to calm down.

I find I'm already worrying about how to act with my bosses when they get back on Monday. Do I let them see that I'm unhappy, or is that what's meant by the whole 'contolling' thing. I let them see me unhappy and they feel they have to pamper. Is it right to hide it? That doesn't feel healthy either, isn't that back where I was?

I don't understand this stuff and don't know why my emotions are suddenly so uncontrollable. I've always been able to control myself and now I don't even have the vagest idea how I'm supposed to act, but I keep badly over reacting to things.

Does this get better? Is there a different book that might be better for me? I feel bad about whining to you folks so much but I don't know what to do. My therapist smiled and said 'you don't get it yet' in a tone that made it clear he wasn't going to help. I can see some value in making me do it myself, but I read the book, I've started her second, I don't get it and I need help!

Susie

December 11, 2003
5:00 pm
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gingerleigh
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September 30, 2010
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Well, there wouldn't be so many books written on codependency and so many people working through it if it weren't pretty darn hard to understand, would it? It's not something that comes naturally... you don't see too many books written on how to drink water when you're thirsty, do you? *grin*

It's OK not to "get it" yet. The first step to take is to take a deep breath and set your expectations that this is a complex thing you are undertaking, and that you'll need to be patient with yourself.

For now, just take things in. A good counselor of mine once said that therapy is two parts... first is to develop awareness, learn, absorb. The second part is to take what you have learned and take action. It sounds like it isn't time for action yet, just keep looking, watching, absorbing. It will fall into place. Just be patient with yourself.

You might want to read through threads here, new and old, reading how people worked through their own experiences might add more pieces to your puzzle.

December 12, 2003
2:57 pm
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mj
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Hugs Sue, Hope you feel better today.

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