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how could i be so stupid
September 8, 2005
11:14 am
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taj64
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Your children need you right now. They love you very much. You will get past this hurt I promise. You know in your deepest of hearts, beyond the pain is someone who really wants to live, experience joy, love and laughter. It is going to happen. It is going to take a lot of time. Time is the universal healer. Disappointment that your car breaks down on the road, might take a day to recover from, the next day you forget about. Healing from a broken heart, too will take time to heal, might take much longer but it does heal! Don't be afraid of this. Face the pain and feel it, let it out, it is going to go away. Cry all day if you have to, binge on icecream. Get plenty of rest and try to take care of your physical needs. In the meantime, just take a day at time.

September 8, 2005
11:21 am
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lita
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alicat, thank you so much for the time you take to talk some sense into my head. i need it so badly, this site is like a life line to me. i think in my heart , what is giving me the strength. to just get up and try to do this on my own is the help of all of you. your love and support pulls me through, so i hope one day iam going to come on here , and brag about my first day of work. or just how free and happy i feel. i do have enough hope in me to beleive everything you good people have told me. that one day this will seem like a bad dream. and i will have my self esteem back, or just be able to be happy with the life i made with my children. and i want to give them everything. they are the one thing i did right. i thank God for them. i dont know if you all realize, your words pull me from the edge, because you all make me think rationally, when my world is spinning you slow it down. i love you all so much. i think iam going to cry iam such a baby

September 8, 2005
8:52 pm
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lita
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so i agreed to go work with my dad. and i feel really good about that. now heres the thing so my husband text me today. asking me how i liked the brownies. i lied and said they were good because i didnt eat them, then he asked could he pick up boys after school. i said ok ,iam keeping the conversation only about the kids. he was trying to talk about his new tools. then he brings my boys home and he forgot my sons glasses, which he needs to see for school. so he says ill bring them before i go to work. i said ok and thats it. then he comes over trying to small talk with me. why is he doing this, he doesnt know i already have a job that im taking. then iam getting help to purchase my own car. so i wish he would stop playing head games with me. he was cruel. and i know about his girlfriend so why dont he just leave me be. it dont matter to me now because iam going to work on getting on my own 2 feet. because the hurt i feel is something i wouldnt want to feel again. can anyone explain what hes doing and why

September 8, 2005
9:03 pm
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Anonymous
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he's doing it cuz it's all he knows.

he's doing it cuz you are taking control and it scares him.

he's doing it cuz he sees you pulling away from him and he is trying to suck you back in.

he's doing it cuz it's what he does best.

you are OBVIOUSLY playing nice, but keeping your distance - and HE NOTICES. You are keeping your convo's to a minimum and only discussing what you must - the kids - again, he notices.

so he is reacting - and gonna try everything to suck you in - cuz it's the game he plays.

it's his way of throwing a tantrum. you are taking control AWAY from him and he HATES it.

perhaps the "other woman" is not available at that moment, so he is seeking gratification, companionship, attention, or whatever from anyone else he can - that being you.

you are familiar to him - but you aren't acting like your old self - this is unfamiliar to him - and he is acting out.

he is gonna try smoothing things over - making mistakes like forgetting glasses so he can find an excuse to see you again - perhaps he is trying to butter you up so you will spill your guts about what you intend to do - perhaps he sees divorce coming and is trying to avoid you going after everything - so playing nice to get an easier battle out of you.

there are so many reasons - but you see it for what it is - a game - you see the red flags waving - "danger will robinson, danger" - and you are doing a GREAT job by not playing into it, by keeping your distance, by establishing personal boundaries.

you are doing AWESOME with plans to move ahead - YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!

he thinks you are weak and that you are sitting home wallowing in pity and shame and hurt - knowing he did it and knowing he has control over you as long as he can make you feel this way - he has no clue you are working to set yourself free - but he probably senses something is different - and look out when he figures it out - cuz his games and attempts and whatever else he is capable of are going to be turned on 110% - either to smooth things out or to rage at you more. You sound like your family is behind you 110% - have them back you - have them answer the phone or the door when he comes calling - have them look out for you - cuz he will be a pain in the ass like a two year old with a temper tantrum...or he may quietly slink away - which would be your best scenario you could hope for.

I will say a little prayer for you - and hope things continue to work in your favor and you continue to come here for guidance and answers and continue with limited contact with him.

boy are those kids gonna be sooo happy that mom got a job and is being proud of herself and letting herself smile around them and be a happy mom (for real instead of for fake - they know the difference)....they are gonna love their mom so much more...just you watch!!!!

you are doing so good...I got goosebumps thinking how good you are doing.

September 8, 2005
9:27 pm
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lita
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alicat. you just did the impossible you made me feel like i havent in a long time, you made me smile for real smile, not a fake one i have to put on. thank you for making me feel like i can do this, and ive made the right choice. im so used to being made to feel like less of a person. when you encourage me like that , i just know i must be doing something right, your awsome. thank you so much

September 8, 2005
9:38 pm
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Anonymous
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and you just gave me goosebumps again!!!! and my eyes are all teary - tears of joy!!!

YOU ARE doing something right - and you ALWAYS have - RIGHT FOR EVERYONE ELSE - just not right for you. And now is your time to shine.

remember - you can't be any good to anyone else if you can't be good to yourself. Take care of you, and your needs and you will end up a better mom and a better partner for someone who is healthy and normal and will treat you like the special person you are (down the road of course, but it's okay to want that and make it a goal). Once you love yourself and take care of yourself, so many other things will become "good" as a result and life WILL look so much better in the end.

I don't want to paint a rosy picture either tho - the road will be rocky - but that's what support, counseling, family and friends are for - and remember - if you belive in god or a higher power (which is something I am struggling with myself) - "they" will carry you thru if you let them - trust the outcome will be good - be optimistic - believe the good will happen.

I started to get antsy about my bday yesterday - and I "let it go" - and let the chips fall - and I got the most wonderful day out of it - nothing fancy, nothing grand, but "enough" to make me go to bed with a smile on my face and my heart feeling like it was gonna burst.

just BELIEVE!

September 9, 2005
9:15 am
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lita
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alicat, i wish i could sleep, i have not slept in 4 days. my mind is so busy i wish i could put it a sleep. well iam kinda nervous today because my husband gets paid today, and he is supposed to give me money for the kids. but i dont know whats going to hapen in light of everything thats happened. i kinda have been depending on that money for so long. is he going to play more mind games with me. i mean iam ready. but sometimes i wish things were a little easier. once i start my job i wont have to worry about it so much. ive even thought about if we get a divorce just telling him i dont want child supprot and just doing it on my own. i know that sounds crazy. but i dont beleive he has ever really loved anyone else but his self. and i think he uses the kids has a way to stay in my life not theres. now thats down the road. you know. but that is the type of indipendence im striving for. i dont want to need this man for anything. he has broken me, but i think, i know i can make it. i guess iam just tired of not feeling like much. and being treated like less of a person, i cant wait to here from you. ill keep you posted on how things go today.

September 9, 2005
9:27 am
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well, he certainly will try anything to undermine your efforts, including withholding money he knows you need. OR he may give it to you, and make a point of how KIND he is being in doing it. Either way, getting it or not will be part of his power play on you.

Once you are back to work, he most certainly will NOT be giving you money, cuz he will see what you are up to - and most likely want you to suffer by saying "you are working, you support them".

As far as divorce - it is my understanding that you will be REQUIRED to get child support - and could be in contempt if you refuse it. So let the court order it - and keep them updated if he doesn't pay - keep accurate records, and let THEM deal with it when he doesn't. I had a best friend who had raised her son for YEARS - alone - and the court ordered child support - $11.00 a month once they took their share out (for repayment of state aid she received in previous years) and she said she refused to take the money, they put her in contempt - threatened jail - so she took the checks - but didn't cash them - again, they put her in contempt - so she cashes them, put the itty bitty money in a shoe box in the closet and when her son is old enough, she will give it to him, explain where it came from and let him decide what to do with it.

more later. boss is coming.

September 9, 2005
9:50 am
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HOLLY BERRY
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LITA - Again, you are not stupid. He's the stupid one...the one with problems. Yes you have problems, but you are doing something about them. I am so glad you are taking the job. If he finds out, he will try to keep you from taking it because he wants you to be dependent on him so that he can come back over and over again and abuse you, some way, in order to feel better about himself. He is sick, he is cruel, he is not a positive force in your life. We are your lifeline! And the boys are also. Sounds like your family is supportive. Just by getting the job and knowing your mom will get the boys on and off the bus, you have comfort. You are moving forward. Please leave him behind. No matter how sorry he says he is for hurting you, the abuse will continue. It is a cycle that has been repeated over and over, and this is typical of abuse. We are so proud of you. Smile today, and you will feel better. I am pulling for you, as we all are.

Love to you and the boys....keep going forward.

HB

September 9, 2005
9:55 am
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Anonymous
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had another friend, how married a woman with a 4 yo daughter - adopted the kid - lived with her for two years - bought a home together, worked together in their own company - you name it.

she left him for his younger employee.

she agreed to a sum for child support - something small, cuz she didn't want alot and realized it was her fault - and that the kid isn't really his - he just adopted her cuz it was the right thing to do.

court denied the agreement - told them to come back when they agree on AT LEAST the minimum allowed by law.

she didn't want to - but they made her - and told her they would monitor it - to make sure he paid and she took it.

course, that's my state - but in general, these days, with dead beat dad around - they take no chances.

your sons deserve their fair share of support - if you don't want it - then use it to support them - buy oNLY for them - or put it in a trust fund for college for them - or for a car when they get older - that way your ex can't say you used it for anything else...tell your husband it's for college, and be willing to show him the bank statements with the deposits - so he knows that not paying is shorting his sons out of a chance at a good education. something like that - so there is less grief over child support issues.

hope this helps.

I know your thoughts tho - I don't get child support from my daughter's father and am DAMN glad - I see so many kids suffer from the grief of being put in between bitter angry fighting parents - and don't have to deal with it.

if your husband is willing to walk away - and wants to responsibility - you could try to get his parental rights taken away - he can give them up too - if you are willing to let him give them up - but that would kill the kids.

just random thoughts - can't wait to hear about your first day at work!!!

just remember - he will probably cause some kind of grief over giving you money this week - try to find a backup plan - borrow it from someone to get by until your own payday - that way if he doesn't come thru - you don't get into any power play with him - you can just "not react" when he doesn't come thru.

as I said before, the more he sees your detachment, the more curious and troubled he will become - and the harder he will try the power plays and manipulations.

if you can - get the kids out of the house this weekend - go to the playground, the library, window shopping, etc - that way, your ex can't hunt you down and show up at your door trying to play nice and be a family again - at some point, he is bound to do that.

I'll be in an out all weekend, got my CODA meeting saturday - NOT gonna miss it this time - and sunday I am supposed to go on a road trip to a surprise destination as my bday surprise - so I will check in when I can.

chin up - things are getting better all the time!

September 9, 2005
10:32 am
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lita
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hollyberry, and alicat, you know how much i love thses boys. i want them happy. i know you are right when it comes to child support. what i didnt tell you was about 3 weeks ago before i found out everything i know now. we had an argument. and he was so quick to mention divorce. so i said you know we can get a divorce but you will pay child support. because has it is he gives me very little. he has the nerve to tell me, how do you know i dont want the kids. maybe i want custody, then you will have to find away to pay me. now this pissed me off, iam sorry about the language. but he told my children on several ocastions when they were little. he never wanted them. no matter how many times i would beg him not to say things like that because he was hurting my children, and that would be something that would stick with them, he did not care. when he was asked how would you feel if your boys were ever treated the way you treat me. he said i wouldnt care because when there 18years old there on there own and its not my problem. so do you really think i want to here this loser tell me. he wants to take my kids. it would kill me. sorry i got off track that was really bugging me.happy birthday, i hope you have a wonderful time. because of you and all of these kind people im going to try and have a good weekend to. maybe me and my boys can pick a movie and watch together, i have to tell you this. last night my 8yr old son and me were having our time which is he has me sing him three songs, which are u are my sunshine, jesus loves me, you are so beatiful to me, then after that i tell him a story, lets just say the story got so silly my son was laughing so hard he made me start laughing. and we almost woke up his brother. but it felt real good he had me laughing, just hereing him laugh made me laugh, its stuff like that , that lets me no its going to be ok. and that i can do this you know.

September 9, 2005
10:39 am
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lita
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alicat, i just wanted to say i enjoy listening to what you have to say, not just in my thread but ive been listening to what you have to say to others, and i can always find something in what you say, you are so good at this you should do this professionally. and what i love about you is i can tell you have tooken the time to read the post , and really think about what you are going to say. your great thank you agin i hope you have a wonderful birthday. you must have a little crazy fun for me. i would love to hear how your weekend goes. if you would like to share.

September 9, 2005
10:42 am
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Anonymous
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your husband would have to prove he is more competent to care for these kids to get custody - and have the money to fight it.

as it is, you could probably get alimony, because as a stay at home wife/mom, you lost alot of money by staying home and getting back into the job market and providing the lifestyle you were accustomed to is not gonna be easy - talk to legal aid - they can help you, and want you to get what's due to you, and it costs little if you have no income or only limited income - every town/city has a legal aid department.

his alcoholism would totally work against him - including his rehab and his continuing to drink.

you will have to be prepared to document cases of abuse, neglect and adultery - all this will work against him.

You are already proving to the courts that you can support your children and take care of them - you are removing them from the abuse, you are getting a job to support them, and you got your parents to back you. You can't do any better than that!!!!

as I said before, his addiction will be the deciding factor - it won't give him a chance in hell of getting custody - and may even be reason enough to only have supervised visitation - if you can prove the harm his care brings to the kids.

have a meeting with the school counselor - let them know the situation - so they are aware of the fallout, can help when they see warning signs and they can recommend therapists if more is needed - if they kids can see someone in school, it will help in court. Schools are prepared for this stuff and it will help them take better care of your kids if they know what's going on at home - they can look out for red flags, they can provide extra support and nurturing and they can help you with a plan to give the best you can to the kids.

again - if you can't afford a lawyer, contact legal aid IMMEDIATELY - because they CAN initiate child support IMMEDIATELY, even if you are only separated - that way you don't have to wait until the actual divorce is filed, and you don't have to depend on waiting for him to fork it over.

good luck...and so glad to hear you are smiling and laughing - each day will bring a new triumph!!!

September 9, 2005
10:46 am
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I think I have an idea of where we are going for my surprise.

part of me dreads it - cuz I know he can't afford to really take me ANYWHERE - but I have to let go and allow myself to enjoy it and allow him to treat me - cuz it will make both of us feel better and less stressed about all our problems. I have to trust he knows what he can afford and can't and that our financial situation will get better.

but I think he is taking me to the yankee candle factory in Massachussets. He asked me what I wanted and the only thing I found was a pretty candle holder - altho if I looked I could have come up with many ideas - that was all I came up with. It's a road trip for the day and they have lots of fun things to do there - and he promised me a trip there someday and he loves candles like I do. I could be wrong - but it's the only thing I can come up with that is close enough for a day trip, that my daughter can participate in, and that is the least expensive option.

I could be wrong - I will let you know monday!

enjoy your movie night with the boys!!!

September 9, 2005
9:54 pm
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lita
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so alicat you were right on the money, he came to pick up my sons today, and he asked me if i would like to go to lunch i said no. he said come on will all go i said ok, i let my oldest son sit up front, while me and my youngest son sat in the back. he took us out to eat i sat next to my sons, he was trying to be so charming. he gave me money, took my boys to get new bookbags for school. bought them each a new toy. you have no idea what i was thinking in my head, he gave me phone card, money, asked if i needed anything, he was real good. he acts like i forgot what he said and did to me. now you see why iam getting my job started has soon as possible. because he is a master at munipulation. he told me after he gets his car paid off he was going to give it to me. i said no thanks iam getting my own car, you should of seen his face. he says how are you going to do that work at a strip club, very funny what a charmer, all i said was no. i have a job. but i didnt tell him where yet. he was scerming. he said ill help you with the down payment, i said no i wanna do it myself.

September 11, 2005
10:55 am
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lita
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alicat, i hope you had a nice birthday. my weekend was strange. but i did have movie night with my boys. they picked a scary movie. you know how boys are not afraid of anything. i think iam at piece today with myself. i have a feeling today will be a better day than yesterday. when i know for sure you are back in town. i want to talk to you about something else. do you get along with your siblings. or do you have any.i dont know if you remember me telling you about my crazy sister or not. bbut ill tell you if i didnt tell you

September 11, 2005
12:42 pm
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kc30
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Haven't read all the threads on this one...just the first one, and I wanted to say this:

You are not stupid for loving your husband, trusting him and wanting your marriage of 14 years to work and to keep your family intact. These are wonderful things to want for your life, and they are normal and healthy and appropriate.

Your husband doesn't share the same values that you do, and that really sucks. But just because he doesn't want those things doesn't mean there is something wrong with you because you do. There is nothing wrong with wanting a loving, commited marriage.

The problem you are faced with is not that you want these things, but that you are with someone who doesn't share your belief system, and you need to decide whether you are willing to sacrifice your wants and needs to try and be with this man- the one who has lied to you, betrayed you, hurt you and walked out on you. Is this someone you really want in your life? Do you really want to settle for this man?

It's possible to have all of the things you want for your life, and to never settle and to only demand the best from those in your life. You can have the marriage you want, but you first will have to learn that you DESERVE only the VERY best. When you realize this, you will see this whole situation differently. You will no longer feel betrayed, hurt, vicitimized and humiliated. You will realize that you have done NOTHING wrong and have NO REASON to be ashamed.

You will realize that YOU honoured your marriage and your husband, and will feel proud of who you are and how you've conducted yourself. You'll feel a confidence in yourself that you never knew possible.

You are going to be just fine....stronger and better and happier than you ever thought possible.

You have done nothing wrong. His behaviour is a reflection of who he is, not who you are. It's hard because it's fresh, but you'll come to see it over time.

It's been 18 months since I learned of my husband's affair, and in the beginning I never thought I would survive. But not only have I survived...I've come out a better person than I was going in...growing, learning, healing and recovering.

peace to you and hold onto the knowledge that you'll get through this, you can handle this, you will be ok.

love kc

September 12, 2005
2:07 pm
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lita,

I am back - just trying to catch up.

I am glad you kept your distance - the next step will being saying no and STICKING WITH IT - let him take the boys out while you enjoy "mommy" time alone - then you won't have to endure the manipulation and 20 questions...but you stood your ground and didn't go into detail, so you did good.

you can talk to me now - I am at work and have my other job tonight - but will be on and off.

no, I did not get along with my brother growing up - I think some of my posts here tell of the mess my home life was - tho crazy - not very bad...ironically enough, my second job is as his secretary - if I didn't need the money, I wouldn't do it - but we are both using eachother - he needs me, I need the money.

anyway - fill me in - how are things.

((HUGS)))

September 13, 2005
10:47 am
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lita
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well my husband called yesterday wantedkids to come over for pizza. i said ok. he says why dont you come over. i said no thanks i already have dinner plans. he is trying so hard to be near me. but i guess he doesnt realize he hurt me so much. i dont think my heart could take rejection like that again.so iam trying to put up boundries so i dont get hurt by him. so ive been trying to get all my loose ends tied up, such has iam working on getting my oldest son in a spec ed class he needs a little extra help in school. so i wanna make sure he is taken care of before i go start this new job. my youngest son iam getting him settled in and working on his behavior. i dont want to leave my mom with a mess you know iam not that kind of person. but i will say i look forward to starting a new chapter in my life. i know iam rambling but i like talking to you. so i have a crazy sister who drives me and my mother crazy. she causes trouble any chance she gets. she has had 2 jobs in her whole life. stole from each one got fired. she jumped from guy to guy. she tried to trap the last guy. got pregnant after 1 month of knowing this guy. the guy leaves. she kept baby , now doesnt want anything to do with it, mind you i love this baby so much. i would do anything for her she is so smart, beatiful, funny, i could go on. you can tell i spend alot of time with her iam like a mom to her because her mom just doesnt care. my sister dont have a job. my parents take care of her and the baby. yet my sister sit on her butt, does nothing starts trouble everyday , curses my parents out tells them what she needs,complains about what she doesnt have. need i remind you she has no job. doesnt pay any bills has a free ride. she is crazy, did i tell you she cant clean up after herself. or wont, has to be told how and when to change her own baby. its really crazy. just a little glimpse into my life from another side. cant wait to here from you

September 13, 2005
11:14 am
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lita,
I hear you - I went to my brother's house last nite - to work my second job.

I had reservations about going to his house and even thought of quitting - cuz I was resentful that my lousy good for nothing brother had become so successful, and I was struggling so badly that I had to be his secretary to put food on the table.

but it was good - we talked. and we discussed our parents and their issues and we talked about how he felt growing up with my parents - my dad in particular.

he helped me see how "sick" my dad was and for the first time - I can ACCEPT that my dad is TRULY miserable and that is why he drinks - that he may bust on me - and say he doesn't care if I hate him - but that it is eating him up inside. I have only seen inside my dad's head once - when my grandma died (his mom) and that was enough to make me realize how right my brother was.

I have harbored some level of anger and resentment towards my dad - why can he get away with being a lousy good for nothing lazy drunk (the list could go on) and I have to work hard to make my life go right??? well, the answer is - he isn't getting away with anything - he knows what a screw up he is - and uses the alcohol to mask it. I had a hard time believing this - but the one glimpse I had into his head when grandma died and the thought of how he is always saying "you hate me, I know it, and that's okay" shows me that he doesn't mean it - it does hurt and he does not like who he is.

your sister does not like who she is. she is lazy. she is a trouble maker - and your parents are "enabling" her - probably under the excuse that they want to protect the grandbaby. At the end of the day, all that really matters is that you can look in the mirror and smile at the person you see, and know you worked the hardest you could to make things right and be proud of all your efforts. Sometimes that is hard.

Your parent's relationship with your sister is not your problem. It's hard when you see your crazy sibling getting all the attention, making your mom crazy, knowing she is lazy and wants everything for free - but that's her problem - and it will hurt her in the end - you can't really change that.

focus on what you are trying to accomplish.

I am VERY VERY VERY proud of you for not going over there - as I said before - he is going to do everything he can to suck you back in - and he knows that being nice is the ticket - he knows that money is another ticket. Keep your cool and keep your distance. And monitor your kids too - cuz his manipulation might extend to them if he can't get to you.

When I start slipping - remind me of all I said to you - cuz I know my BF is not gonna let go without a fight - I have seen it before. I am gonna stand my ground - and he does not seem happy with the person I am becoming - he says he wants me the way I was - he didn't ask me to change - and I don't need to suffer thru this because he asked me to.

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