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how could i be so stupid
September 6, 2005
3:27 pm
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lita
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so im feeling like a piece of gum someone has stepped on abou 20 times. so i had got back with my husband because i thought he wanted to make a family with me and my sons. i found out today after everything ive been through with this person. he has been seeing another woman. see we didnt live together because i had moved out with my sons because he had abused me. but he went to rehab and i thought he was doing better come to find out he has not changed. i wanted to beleive he wanted to be a family. he tells me he dont want a family, he said he thinks he got along with me better when he was on drugs. that really hurt my feelings, he said he doesnt want the same things i do, he dont want a baby never will, he dont want me. anything you can think of mean and hurtful he said.i based my whole life around him. i di not get a job because if i work i wouldnt be able to see him, because he worked a midnight shift, i would only be able to see him in the morning maybe because my boys have school. so any way im totollay dependent on him. he doesnt love me any more, stated clearly. he says we want different things. i found out he was cheating because. i had though that possibly things had changed. so i checked his phone i know your not supposed to but he never would leave his phone laying around me ever. so when i checked his voice mail. there was a woman named natilee who left a very provocative message. so there wasnt anything left to the imagination. when i confront him he says she needs him because she is a recovering drug addict. who needs help. and he talks to her all night. and he went on to say how much of a piece of crap iam. basically he didnt care i found out. it was his way out. even though i had asked him on several acations do you want to see other people, he said no. we have been married by the way for 14 years, and i thought i meant more to him than this the thing is iv been through abuse of all kinds with him. and no matter what i always was willing to give him another chance. well now he has made it perfectly clear he doesnt want me or my kids. and it hurts like hell and i dont know what to do really. could someone please talk to me .

September 6, 2005
3:36 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Lita: I am so sorry this has happened to you. I understand why you are feeling awful but please don't let the things he said make you feel less of a person. You are still the same wonderful woman you were before you met him. What he said was mean, hurtful and cruel. This is a reflection on him, not you. He has proved that he is not worthy of you. There is no excuse for him to try to make you feel badly about yourself.

I know it will be hard but you need to try to move on. Try to look at this as an opportunity to redefine yourself and see what wonderful things are out there waiting for you- things you couldn't have done while revolving your life around him. Now you get to revolve your life around you and your kids.

Please try to keep this man out of your life. He has done nothing but try to tear your down. You need someone who will love, nurture, respect and cherish you, not demean and abuse you. He has nothing positive to offer you. You are worth so much more and deserve so much more. SD

September 6, 2005
3:42 pm
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exoticflower
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((((((((((lita)))))))))), sweetie, I'm so sorry. But please, listen to this: YOU are NOT stupid. It isn't stupid to love, to trust, or to have dreams for your family. It isn't stupid to believe in someone who betrayes you. You have been wronged, and y9ou have every right to feel angry and hurt and betrayed I think. Feel those things, let yourself be angry. You are NOT a piece of crap, this guy is for wanting you to feel like one when confronted with his own completely selfish behavior. Thank goodness you found out what kind of person he is before you reconsiled too much! ((((lita)))))), just wanted to get another hug in there for you. I'm so sorry this jerk has left you feeling this way.

September 6, 2005
3:53 pm
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taj64
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Don't think you are stupid. You're smart that you found out what a jerk he is. The smartest person in this situation is you. Because now you have a chance to have something better and save yourself a lifetime of more hurt. You need a real guy, not something to blame his own failures or insecuries on. Do you really want to be with a person who does druge, humilates you? I think you are the one to get along better without him. Starting today. Take time for your healing recover. It does hurt, and will hurt for awhile but it will go away. Start smart in loving yourself first.

September 6, 2005
3:54 pm
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lita
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im so scared iam on my own and what if i make mistakes, i dont feel like much any more . i need to find myself , i need a job, i need not to feel so useless. i feel so bad i cant stop crying. what if iam everything he says, i dont feel like iam but i wish i had a back bone.

September 6, 2005
4:01 pm
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taj64
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You are not anything he says. Remember this is manipulation on his part. Get out of this situation. Do not be afraid. Be more afraid if you stay with him. Of course it is scary but you will learn in time that it is not so scary, that you will enjoy a new job, meet new people. Of course it is ok to cry. It is ok to be angry too. Let it out and get out. Be the best thing you ever did. You're way too good for this guy and you have two wonderful children that need you, that don't need an unhappy mom. This will take a lot of time, might seem like a life time ahead of you but it really isn't. It may take a few week and month but it is ok for now to feel the pain. By getting out of this abusive relationship you are saying goodbye to the hurt and hello to a better life. Stay smart, let him be stupid.

September 6, 2005
4:03 pm
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CAMER
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((LITA)))a world of hugs to you. You are sooo much better off without him, he said he would change, went to rehab and he is still the same ol' person, that is not your fault, that is his manipulative ways trying to make youbeleive he is a better person.

don't listen to a word he says, they are just words and he wants to hurt you, but YOU are better than that!!! you are a wonderful person, and remember that!!! Now look in the mirror and tell yourself how much you love YOU!!!! and keep posting here ok!!

love camer

September 6, 2005
4:18 pm
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Hi Lita: I know you are scared but try not to get overwhelmed by everything. Just take things one step at a time, one day at a time. Soon things will start to fall in place and you'll begin to feel so proud of yourself. You might make mistakes- we all do- but that is part of life and learning. And you are not useless- you are a Mom w/ beautiful kids that love you and need you.

The things he said to you ARE NOT true and don't even think about believing him. Consider the source- a mean and cruel person that tries to make himself feel better by putting you down. His words are meaningless and unfounded.

Big hugs to you. SD

September 6, 2005
4:22 pm
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lita
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i kow you are all right. right now i got to get a job. i dont know why but i dont feel like i deserve a chance. i left him and should of stayed gone . but i was thinking with my heart, wich always gets me in trouble. i love so hard with my heart. i wear my feelings right out front on my chest. i guess thats why i get stepped on. i really thought he loved me and our sons. you know what he tells me when i confront him he says iam going to makehim relapse back into drugs. basicaly every wrong thing he has ever done to me, he says its my fault. like if he hit me and tried putting him in jail he blaimes me, because i wouldnt listen. he screams at me because i dont listen, he told me before he never wanted kids, when i had my misscarge i was all alone in my grief. he acted like it meant nothing to him, i dont know why i was holding on i guess because he said he said he wanted to take me up north to be all alone. and work things out. and he kept planning these things. but he never asked me to move back to our home, he started acting like he did not care if i left him or not. im sorry i just need to talk my heart aches right now

September 6, 2005
4:31 pm
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taj64
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Hi. This guy has no feelings and you have all the feelings in the world. You deserve a chance. Im sorry your heart aches. It will ache less and less with time. He is very abusive man. You clearly need to get out of it for your own self preservation. I think counseling from this abuse will help you, help you with self esteem, help with you job searching. I know there are types of counseling for women out there. Try the county in which you are in. And read the book Codependency No More by Melody Beattie. PLEASE read this book. Hang in there.

September 6, 2005
8:34 pm
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lita
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he came to pick up 1 of my sons. and i could not stand to see him i dont even think i looked at him. this is going to be harder than you could possibly imagine, i feel so betrayed you know ive tried to be a good wife to him. i know ive made mistakes but i have learned from them. do you know how much my feelings are hurt to here him say the woman he is talking to needs him because she had a drug problem. i mean what about me i lost our child. he wasnt there for me. i had a drug problem , ive been clean now for 6 months. and i never blaimed it on him i took responsibilty. for my own actions. i dont mean to sound like a broken record. i just im so hurt i cant see strait right now. if love hurts this bad maybe ill grow old alone

September 6, 2005
9:09 pm
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Lita:

(((( lita )))))
I'm so sorry. You don't need a piece of sh** like him. He only said those things to hurt you so he wouldn't be the a**hole. Don't listen to anything he said coz they were all lies to make himself feel better. Had all that been the case he'd have not married you before.

You are smart, brilliant, so well liked. You know. It is hard to get started as a single mom, but you can do it. I did it for 2 years w/ little to no help. There are many little tricks you can learn for budgeting... if he was abusive then the boys don't need to be around him anyway..... they will probably be big helps when things get settled and a routine is established.

Lita.... Stand up and you hold your chin up. You are not stupid. You are only guilty of caring. Who of us hasn't been where you are. Very few honey. You are among friends here.

September 7, 2005
8:46 am
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lita
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so i didnt sleep last night iam still shocked you know. i have so many things i have to do. to top it off iam sick i have a bad cold thats kicking my butt.i did a dumb thing i was up crying most of the night so can you guess what i did, i texted him like a dummy. i mean i think he made his self clear he dosent want me. i told him i loved him, i must not of been tired of being kicked. he never replied. i was up just thinking back of all the bad times, and all the good, and wondering what i did wrong. maybe i should of worked, but i wanted to take care of our boys, i dont know how some one can just be so cold to me , after everything, and all the years weve had together. im having a hard time picking myself up. after this. my spirit is broken,but i know my boys need me. i love them so much.

September 7, 2005
9:09 am
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Lita,

you didn't do anything wrong. You have been clean for six months - has he? Do you blame your use on him? but he blames his use on you - that doesn't sound fair. You cleaned up for you, him and your children - did he give you the same consideration? you lost a child that you both made out of love - well, looks like it was love on your part - doesn't appear to be the same for him - if I am wrong, then he has a bad way of showing it - a good partner would have shared in your grief and been there for you. You can't feel guilty for needing him and wanting him there to hold your hand - your partner is supposed to be there for these life altering situations.

You may be afraid to start fresh and make mistakes, but you said yourself - you have made mistakes in the past and you worked on fixing them and learning from them - so keep doing that - but this time, without him to kick you when you are down.

You know he doesn't want you - his actions and words speak volumes.

You *may have* done things wrong - we all do - but I don't think it was the reasons behind the fall of your marriage - it takes two and he simply did not want to stay in it - my guess is that you no longer were using drugs and he wanted to continue and now that you are clean and want to stay clean, he felt he had no support to continue his bad habits and wanted out. Your choice to get clean was the best decision you could have made - even if it meant the end of your marriage - your boys will thank you for it in the end - and you will have a healthier happier life for it too, without a husband who is still addicted and bringing you down.

I think you should get to therapy or NA or some other 12 step support group - codependents, al-anon, or NA - but al-anon or coda are great for the codependency issues you are feeling right now and will help you feel strong enough to venture out on your own - would hate to see you waste six months of being clean.

Has your husband left? Do you own a home? If you don't own a home and your husband is not in your home, you may be eligible for temporary state assistance until you can find a job - once you are on that, they will help you find a job and even have programs for job training for women who are re-entering the work force...our state even has daycare assistance programs and medical insurance even after you go back to work - cuz they recognize the need to have it cuz most companies don't offer it right away, until a waiting period is up. Look in your yellow/blue pages under your city listings for department of social services, human services or such - they can help you along.

In the meantime - there might be some temp jobs that you can do - if you are computer literate, can answer phones and file, you can try Kelly services or such, and they have jobs that are temporary only, and some temp to hire, where you are temp until you prove yourself good enough to be hired - all have flexible hours and such, so you can find something that works. Are you good at housekeeping? There are plenty of opportunities to clean houses for people - and it pays good money - make up some flyers and post them at the supermarket and laundromat and such. If you own your own home, you could get your daycare license and watch children after school. There are work at home jobs too - check out wahm.com for good reputable companies to work for.

I know that I was home with my daughter on state assitance for 2 1/2 years, and going back to work was the best thing I could have done for me and for her - wasn't always easy, but it was worth it - I made new friends, had income I could be proud of, and my sense of self worth increased - I didn't feel like "just caitlin's mom"...it helped keep me mentally active too - which helps me focus on something other than my personal problems.

Good luck to you - I will check back to see how you are doing.

and remember - when you don't think you can go on - go snuggle with the boys, take them to the park and play ball or slide on the slide with them - give them a nice bath and enjoy the smell of clean babies - and remember - if you can't do this for yourself, do it for them - at least until you can feel good enough to do this for you.

September 7, 2005
9:26 am
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Hi Lita, This is a very hard time for you. You're doing the best you can. Sure it hurts, hurts bad, but it won't last forever, I promise. Don't kick yourself for sending him a text message. You made a mistake, today is new day. Make a point not to do this for it only causes you pain. Think about every time you get that urge, that is this going to be good for me or hurt me. You know the answer. I know it is very hard to face this alone but you really are not alone. Come talk to us if you feel too alone. You are going to make it. Being single seems really hard but there are really good points to being single mom. Yes it is tough sometimes, but you have the freedom to live your life the way you want, without this hurt this man does to you. You can give better to your children not having an abusive man around to make you unhappy or make you feel anything less that what you are. You can give better to yourself too. Because you deserve it, and you work hard to stay clean and sober. Do you really want to be with a man who would rather be with a drug abuser, than you who has much more to offer. Think of the better life ahead of you without all this mess that this mess. And it OK to ask for govt assistance to get you started with your new life. I know it is hard to think about all those years you had with him. Think about the future, choose quality over quantity. You deserve a man who can show you love, support and all the things your husband is incapable of. It will get better.

September 7, 2005
10:28 am
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lita
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my father offered to get me a job where he works. im just so afraid of disapointing him. im so nervous you know. ive been thinking about it all night has well. it would be good money lots of hours but i wouldnt be able to get my kids off to school. i love doing that.i would be starting at 5am till 430 pm. i guess i really just dont feel like i have any self esteem you know. i wish the tears would stop. i feel the hurt right now. will i ever get to the part when i can forgive him so i can move on. my 2 brothers also work with my father. i dont want to embarrass them either. i dont know how i let myself get to the point where i dont love me. or think i have a right to be happy. thank you all for talking to me. do you think i should take the job. i can tell you all this i need something to keep me from sitting here and thinking about this stuff.

September 7, 2005
11:33 am
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taj64
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I am sorry you are hurting. It is ok to hurt. It is telling you something to listen to your heart. Take care of your heart. I know you love seeing your kids off to school. I know you want to please your father. IF the money is good, then you will feel good about providing for YOUR family. Instead of wanting to not disapoint him, try to turn around and say I don't want to disappoint myself. Say I have a chance to do something new with my life. Make new goals, pursue other friendship, and in turn my kids will have a happy mother. Think of something that will take the place of seeing your kids off to school. Greet them at the end of the day, with a hug, kiss and make a special effort to how was your day, what did you like best about your day, what was something that you didn't like, ask questions that the kids will go in detail and be excited to talk. There are other ways to get satisfaction with your kids. Take time to make cupcakes together. Keep real busy will help to heal your heart. Getting a job, feeling independent and also staying busy with learning will help you to grow and give you self esteem. You do not have to forgive your husband right now. Deal with your heart first. Read this book, I got from library: "Forgiveness is a Choice" by Robert D. Enright. It is a book for people who have been deeply hurt and are caught up in anger, depression, and resentment. The book can show you how to minimize your anxiety, depression and increase self esteem and also be hopeful and find peace. Forgiveness does not mean accepting abuse or getting back together but rather to confront and let of this pain so that you can regain your life. Hang in there Lita, you can do this.

September 7, 2005
11:43 am
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lita
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you are right, in my heart im scared but also it seems kinda exciting to me to start something new, i would be able to provide for my boys and just saying that out loud makes me happy. and seeing has im staying with my mom,ive always wanted to buy my own car. i could do that has well. i really think i can turn this around i just have to have the courage to try something new. i finally have stopped crying today.

September 7, 2005
11:54 am
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first of all, look at the benefits - if your dad is willing to put in a good word - you got backing behind you - will make it easier to get foot in the door - anything that makes your life EASIER right now should be embraced. Your dad and brothers believe in you - believe in yourself. I also am assuming that working with them means you could also get rides with them, which would alleviate the need to get a car right away. And finally, tho I think your dad could put a good word in for you - ultimately, you have to show you can do the job - and the job will be rewarded to you based on merit - YOU CAN DO IT!!! we all believe in you.

try it - you might like it - explain to your dad how apprehensive you are - and that you want to do right but worried about letting him down and worried about being away from the kids - let him hold your hand and help you thru - accept any help anyone is willing to throw your way - lean on the people who want to help - many times we push aside the ones who want to help and go seeking help from those that are unwilling or unable to help us (like our ex's) - it's okay to lean on someone.

and finally - about the kids - what are your options for getting them on and off the bus? do you have family nearby they can be trusted with? or a neighbor? a good daycare can also be a great idea - because daycares give the kids chances to hang with their friends and have some structure among all the chaos - and having them there will give them another sense of stability too. It will take time to adjust to the changes, but in the end, it will be good for everyone involved. I know when I went back to work, after being home with my daughter for 2 1/2 years - SHE LOVED daycare - the chance to have new friends and play like she couldn't at home - and I loved going to work and meeting new people and earning my own way and having something to be proud of - something to get up for in the morning - a reason to not stay up crying all night - cuz I couldn't go into work all messed up from a night of no sleep.

you CAN turn this around - don't believe all the crap your husband fed you - we all can do it - we all do it at one point or another - I am a single mom - have done it alone for almost 12 years - had my parents to back me - but even that cost me dearly, as my dad gave out the abuse while my mom provided support - it was a double edged sword, but it was all I had.

if you can't work those hours, is there another option? perhaps talk to the boss and see if you can work part time until you can work full time comfortably - ease into it - otherwise, maybe a temp job someplace? just some ideas.

try it - go for it - you CAN do it!

September 7, 2005
1:48 pm
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lita
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well i stay with my mom , and she said she would be willing to get my sons off to school and pick them up. so that is a bonus. i have stopped feeling sorry for myself today anyway, its a start. i told my mom that after my clod goes away, i would like to talk to my dad about his offer. because i would like to start healthy physically any way.iam going to keep posting, as i need you guys so much

September 7, 2005
1:50 pm
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post away - we are here 24/7 - and we all know how you are feeling right now - so we will do our best to help you help yourself.

September 7, 2005
3:15 pm
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lita
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so far so good i have not texted him today, on the other hand either has he , i just picked up my boys from school. they had a good day. do you know what its like to feel so bad. but when i get around my boys fake like nothing is wrong, hard very hard for me. yesterday after school there dad wanted them, and i act like everything is cool between dad and mom, it breaks my heart. inside im dying.

September 7, 2005
5:51 pm
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lita
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im starting to feel bad again, my emotions are up and down, i feel like i cant make it. sometimes i wish i had a magic wand but i dont

September 8, 2005
9:25 am
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lita
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my husband came and dropped off snacks for our sons. and sent me some brownies he made, i didnt eat them gave them away. i told him thank you for the snacks for the boys. and that was it. i did not text him. i did not talk with him. he is supposed to come get the boys after school today. ive made up my mind iam taking the job with my father. has soon has i kick this bad cold i have. he hurt me bad. trust me. but now at least i know where he stands. and i can get my self together. so i can feel better, i think you guys are right . i think slowly but surely ican find my way, and can be a happier mom for my babies, you guys got to work with me iam trying so hard to deal you know. i dont know why he made me brownies, unless he feels guilty, but i dont think i could take being hurt that way again, i have to tell you something im ashamed but last night i wanted to just end things, but the problem is i couldnt go through with it. i was thinking about my boys and what they would have to go through. i couldnt do it. iam sorry, i know im supposed to be strong, im trying to come in off the ledge so to speak, help

September 8, 2005
10:46 am
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baby steps - some days that's all we can manage - other days it's giant steps, other days it's all we can do to just stay in one spot and not go back - some days we go back.

all of it normal - all of it part of the process.

I think getting a job is the first step - therapy is also high on the priority list.

once you have some income and sense of self worth, and get thru some therapy, then maybe you can make a better judgement about where your marriage stands. It doesn't appear that he wants to be with you - but he may have been crying out for help himself - and you can't really do anything to fix him or help him - but if you become stronger yourself, he may follow your lead - and in the end, it may work - but the goal should be YOU FIRST - the stronger you are, the better mom you will be - and if you get back together, move on, see someone else - you will be a better person and a better partner.

if you don't fix yourself first, you can't be any good to anyone else.

it is hard, it is scary, some days you want to just quit - but you keep breathing and the next day brings a whole new perspective and a new hope and a new possibility for happiness.

just keep plugging along...and don't try to guess what his intentions are - don't read into them. He brought you brownies - it was a nice gesture - but it doesn't fix anything.

one step at a time...and don't be afraid to come here as much as you need to - some days are going to be better than others.

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