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How come no one noticed?
March 10, 2006
2:53 pm
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codyrn
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Please know that you are loved....and it is okay for us to love ourselves...it is a right we both have ...even though my upbringing may not have nutured that in me .... I am trying Daily to love and nuture myself..

March 10, 2006
2:54 pm
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Randomwomen2
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how does one love oneself? I never have.

March 10, 2006
3:02 pm
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codyrn
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It's not been easy for me...but at 44yrs old I am slowly learning....learning that I can enjoy a book, a glass of wine, quiet nap on the sofa.... I am in a care giving profession and so have spent most of my life caring for others.
It is time to also make an effort towards me...I'm not sure what I do other than when I get those messages in my head like " I hate this" or " oh my God what now " etc..... I then tell myself ...you are worthy to love yourself.... God loves you....you are special...you are gifted...you are getting better...you can and do deserve happiness.
Just positive affirmations ...instead of falling back into the pattern I had of not being worthy.

I remember my dad telling me if not for my big ass you could not tell the front from the back of me....and then he was upset when I purchased breast implants at the age of 28...wanting to know why?
I reminded him of his statement to me at the age of 15....and then let it go...but it's those little messages that I stop ...and then in my mind I restate it .....that I am worthy, pretty, smart and sensitive..and can love me as well as others...
I know you can too ... I can tell your tender heart from your posts so far ....:)

March 10, 2006
3:08 pm
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codyrn
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I feel very blessed for having chatted with you so far today....it has brightened my day ...thanks .. I'll be staying on line ...gonna run a vacuum ...yuck ...for a minute anyways ..

March 10, 2006
3:09 pm
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Randomwomen2
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that is so funny I just got finished vacuuming

March 10, 2006
3:12 pm
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LOL And I SHOULD be vacuuming!!

March 10, 2006
3:14 pm
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Randomwomen2
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lol

March 10, 2006
3:14 pm
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OK I'm going to plow right in here and make a really really hard point, Randomwomen2.........

Those people (whom you had to call parents) were drug-addicts and sex-addicts and users with no ability to feel any understanding for anyone other than themselves.

You were a prisoner and victim of a sick and deluded war with an enemy and you were helpless.

You are free now from their physical presence. You do not owe them ANYTHING.

The little child within you is finally finding her voice and her tears and her anger. And the GREAT BIG ADULT within you has to be stepping up to protect that child's treatment and feelings. Please do not ever blame or shame her. Show her the compassion you could not get then. You can give that compassion to her now. Why would you hate her?

I'm not sure how one goes about doing this.....have you tried visualizing that scene and then visualizing someone bursting into the room and saving you (like an adult version of you?)..... I'm thinking if you could re-play the scene and rearrange it so that there was some POWER in it for yourself somehow....

would it help to create what SHOULD have been?? And in doing so, you can learn from yourself how you now believe a good mother would treat her child?

I see you said you've been in counseling. You've probably experienced had tons of suggestions like these.

March 10, 2006
3:18 pm
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codyrn
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running a vacuum is way over rated LOL

March 10, 2006
3:24 pm
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Randomwomen2
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up untill a month ago I had to sweep the carpet. So I love the vacuum

Brynnie
The problem is I cant seem to do it. I can feel sad for that child but I cant seem to entirnalize it. I dont know why

March 10, 2006
3:32 pm
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Here is one thing I've learned how to do.

When that feeling of "I hate myself" comes, try to give it a form and a voice. Call it (this negative-talking voice) CRUEL PARENT or make up a better name.

And every time CP says something s&*&*tty to you about yourself, yell back at that voice to shut up, she doesn't deserve to be hated, she's just a kid, leave her alone, be nice to her, etc.

Every time I hear a negative thought about myself coming from myself....I can STOP it.

March 10, 2006
3:37 pm
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codyrn
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Brynnie:
I fully agree that we can stop the negative voices in our heads...we are simply stating that it is no longer okay for me to hear and nuture that negative message ...it is not mine...and I am going to work at no longer keeping it.

March 10, 2006
3:51 pm
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I hate that no one noticed too.

March 10, 2006
6:02 pm
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codyrn
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I'm here if you need to talk

March 10, 2006
6:10 pm
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Mmm, Codryn, I meant I hated that no one noticed Random's abuse as a child.

March 10, 2006
6:12 pm
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1lost1
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Random, my heart goes out to you. Keep talking to the people here. God bless you.

March 10, 2006
6:13 pm
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codyrn
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oh that's okay ... we know what you meant.....everyone is so sweet here... I can try and help others and let their situatios also help me ....:)

March 10, 2006
7:45 pm
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codyrn
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When I go to bed it is so peaceful for me now.....never was as a child...but I cradle myself and just love that final moment of wakefulness before I fall asleep....I hug myself and feel safe...

Plese know that I have and will continue to think and pray for you...have thought about you most of the day....be blessed and sleep well tonite.

March 10, 2006
8:45 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am so lucky to have all of this suport here thank you all very much

March 10, 2006
9:28 pm
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Anonymous
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(((RW))), I can~t say I loved to hear from you on this post - it seems to bring every powerless child in us and some people, even with depression, shy away and bodily refrain from you when you have a sad story but... It also brings us so much hope that you survived, that youre such a nice person that you are. I wish we can make a circle and embrace each other saying aloud or to ourselves that we are here to tell the story not to relive it, we are here so bad people know what they perhaps could not know due to the drugs, the immense harm done to an innocent child. Again we cannot know what goes in their head and we cant change that but you were a shining example to come forward and state things as they happened.

How come no one noticed? Oh, I bet many noticed. Children can notice they just arent apt to organize what and who are really bad and have an action plan. Plus who'd listen to them? Adults more familiar with the involvement as reporters and witnesses must even tell their children to stay away from you and that each family has to keep their dirty laundry to themselves. The "goog" families probably dont even have a number of social services, child abuse, etc.

The important thing is you are getting it out. This place is also a safe punch bag. And at other times there is so much insight coming from messages, you feel entirely relieved.

(((((((((((((((((RW)))))))))))))))))))

ps: imho

March 10, 2006
10:03 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I do feel that this is a safe place for me. My only safe place. I am so glad that I have a place to share my story with out being shot down. I have many many memories that bother me now and then and some that bother me all the time maybe if I talk about them more they will become easier for me to handle

March 10, 2006
11:08 pm
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codyrn
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You will never feel shot down here...this is a safe place... I know... I have not totally openned up...but know ...trust me.....it's very safe...sleep well .....

March 10, 2006
11:09 pm
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Randomwomen2
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you sleep well to hunny

March 10, 2006
11:13 pm
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codyrn
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u okay ?

I am here .............

March 10, 2006
11:16 pm
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Randomwomen2
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yeah im here

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