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How can you trust??
June 2, 2005
4:07 am
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Philosuffer
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How in the world can you trust anyone again after some of the sh*t that people pull on you? I have had three serious relationships in my life. The first one lasted three and a half-years. She cheated on me once, and I forgave her. I told her how much it hurt me and she promised never to do it again. Then she went on a trip and the day she came back she was distant and cold, and said she needed to tell me something. Yes, she cheated on me again. I just about lost it. The codependent in me tried to stay with her but it just got worse from there, and I became more and more angry. A year later she left me for another guy (how pitiful is that--that I would stay with her until she actually left me!).

Next relationship, she cheated on me too. This time it hurt very badly, but I wasn't completed devestated. I still tried to work it out, and it didn't work.

Anyway, I met a woman about a year and a half ago. We worked together in an academic setting, as teaching assistants for the same class. We shared an office. She started talking to me more and more at school, and eventually we started having these long e-mail conversations (she didn't like to talk on the phone). After a couple of months of this, and after hanging out together four or five times, things turned romantic. She said she "didn't know I felt the same way until that night" (i.e., she didn't know that I had the same feelings for her that she had for me).

A few days later, she invited me to her house for dinner, saying that she wanted to talk to me. That night she told me that she had come out of a serious relationship about three and a half months earlier, and that she wasn't ready to date anyone. She also said that she had a rule about not dating co-workers, and we would be working together for about three more months. That same night she suggested that we go ahead and go to bed together, so that there wouldn't be as much tension between us in the next few months.

It took me a few days to get used to what seemed to me to be a sudden 180 degree turn, but after a couple of conversations where I told her I was worried about the next three months, I told her not to worry about it--that I was fine with just focusing on our friendship and getting to know one another better and hang out together and all over the next three months. We both said that we were looking forward to hanging out together again after the Christmas break.

So, after the Christmas break, about three weeks into the new quarter, her birthday was coming up and I asked her if she wanted to get together. She said she already had plans with friends that weekend, but that she would like to get together. So the next week I asked if she had plans for the weekend, and she said she was getting together with friends. I thought by then that she clearly wasn't ready yet to start hanging out again, so I told her that was fine, and that she could just let me know when she felt like getting together again. After that she slowly stopped e-mailing me, and then stopped talking to me as much at school. I was careful to keep a little distance and not bother her by asking what was going on--I figured she was taking care of herself and would simply let me know when she felt she was ready to get together again.

But the whole quarter came and went, and finally I called her and asked her what was going on with us. She said, "apparently nothing!" And I said, "what do you mean?" And she said, "well, you're dating so-and-so aren't you?!" She was referring to another of the TA's whom she had already asked me about a few times and I always explained that there was nothing between us, that we were just friends.

Anyway, she was livid, and she blamed me for the fact that we hadn't gotten back to our friendship. I reminded her that I asked if she wanted to get together back around the time of her birthday, and she said "yeah, and I just got madder and madder each time you asked!" She said she thought I was being pushy about a relationship. I couldn't believe it. I reminded her that I said not to worry about the relationship thing, that I was just looking forward to hanging out as friends, and she said "We talked again after that!!"

Well, we hadn't talked again after that--neither of us even mentioned the romantic stuff at all. I couldn't believe that all this had happened.

She was really mad that we hadn't kept talking at school like we used to, and I didn't understand that at all because I had attempted to do that and she was the one who backed off--both at school and in the e-mail conversations.

There was one more incident, which was avery unfortunate misunderstanding that I can hardly even talk about, but it ended things between us for good. I was so heartbroken, because I really thought she understood me and knew that I was serious when I told her not to worry about the romantic stuff--and yet all along she apparently thought that I was being pushy about having a relationship. I stayed away and gave her space during that quarter precisely to show her that I wasn't that way, and she ends of blaming me for everything!

Ok, I'll end the story there, except to say that I kept trying to show her that I was her friend and that I cared about her, and she agreed to trying to rebuild the friendship, but after trying to get us back to talking for four months she said that the most she was willing to do was "exchange chatty e-mails here and there" but that was the most time and energy she was willing to put into it.

It's been about eight months since she said that, and we no longer talk at all, and I am still trying to get over the tremendous feeling of betrayal I feel over all this.

So can you trust anyone again?

June 2, 2005
7:56 am
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shyshy
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Well, I'm not going to be much help here because I feel the same way. I've gone from always giving everyone the benefit of the doubt to not trusting anyone!! Ever!! I've been treated like a dormat by people who claim to "love" me so much that I'm beginning to wonder if there really are any "good" people still out there or if there's just something wrong with ME.

Anyway, I hope that some time in the future we can both find someone to prove us wrong and we can learn to trust again!

June 2, 2005
4:43 pm
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Philosuffer
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Thanks for the reply shyshy. That actually is a help because at least I know I'm not the only one feeling this way!

June 2, 2005
7:02 pm
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Deena
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I, myself am finding it very difficult to trust people and open up. The scars are there. It's hard to let it go. I guess we are just afraid of getting hurt so deeply again.

June 2, 2005
7:23 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Trust. Nope. Sorry.

My 1st hubby couldn't be trusted as far as you could spit. I thought the second was different, but not so. He lied so I'd marry him.

Wish I had some good words to say. All I hear from my hubby is you just have to trust me. 13 years later, i'm still hearing the same words.

Sorry ya'll.

June 2, 2005
7:39 pm
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D dog
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I don't trust H. because I KNOW him. His weaknesses are simliar to mine (codep, insecure, needs validation, etc.) So I know that one day he'll "go for it" with someone "hot" just to feel better about himself.

Of course, this won't make him feel better in the long run...and he will lose me. But he has his own journey and self-exploration to deal with.

I stay with him, hoping that our relationship will grow to the point where being with only me will fulfill his needs...but that's classic codep, isn't it? I can't change or even help him, all I can do is try to grow within myself and set an example.

I feel he's in my life now for this reason...is it keeping me from moving on? No, I'm not healthy enough to be with anyone else right now anyway...and until he "does the deed" with another girl, I will love and support him.

I remember a past thread about - can 2 codeps make a relationship work? And I guess the answer would have to be no...unless they grow at the same rate, which would be rare, indeed.

If it was meant to be, maybe. If not, I'll still be okay when it goes down.

Sorry to make this about me...just realized I still have issues. Dammit!!!

June 3, 2005
2:16 pm
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kathygy
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Trust has to be built and earned. It sounds like you are picking women who don't deserve your trust. I suggest that you do some soul searching about the type of woman you are drawn to. Get some counseling with this or it will keep happening. You need to start off with a healthier woman. Then slowly build trust by open and honest communication in a safe environment. This last woman wasn't capable of this kind of communication. Just forget her. There are plenty of woman who are trust worthy. You just need to pick the right kind of woman.

June 3, 2005
5:03 pm
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D dog
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Here's a good one. Last night, I'm over at H.'s, and we're getting kind of "intimate", when there's a knock at the door. So we don't answer.

Later, I go over to my apartment to get food, and discover someone left a man's shirt at the door.

Well, H. is always lending me his sweats to sleep in, etc., so I assume the worst, call him from my place, and demand to know who he lent this shirt to and why. He gets frustrated and hangs up on me. I call him back later, and he tells me to just shut up and come over, so I do and everything's ok, though he won't talk about the shirt mystery.

Today I get off work early and am hanging out by the pool, and my friend S. comes by. We're chatting, and I tell her I acted like a jealous idiot because of the shirt incident, and she tells me it was she who left it - she was cleaning out her closet, and the shirt was her dad's, and she thought H. might want it!

Boy, do I feel like an ass!

But beyond that, I'm wondering...why don't I trust him? And if I don't trust him, why am I with him? Am I purposely trying to kill the relationship out of fear? How do I solve this without pushing him away?

The drama needs to end, and it's all my own fault!

June 3, 2005
5:21 pm
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SoulSpirit
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Boy, what a subject.. I too am like the rest of you, with issues regarding trust. For me, I trust people until they prove to me they can't be trusted. Yes, this has caused me some pain over the years, and disappointment, but in my heart, I know I do the right thing. I do it this way because that is how I want people to treat me.. trust me, until I prove to them, I am not trustworthy. If I didn't trust first, then I would never have any kind of relationship with others..and I would be a very lonely person. If I based a new relationship on all my past crummy ones... I would be rockin away alone on my porch. One thing which works well for me is not to have any expectations of others. If I don't expect something, then I can't get hurt by them. I let them be them, and me be me... and if our paths cross positively, then we have something to share and work with... if not... then... I move forward. I am very withdrawn with my feelings and emotions when it comes to letting others trample me.. but at least I make a strong effort to give others a chance. Am I lying in wait for them to make a mistake.. nope... people who can't be trusted will do it to themselves quick enough. Is this a good way?? Heck, I don't know, but it works for me.....

June 6, 2005
11:17 pm
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Philosuffer
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The problem with not trusting someone in a relationship is that you cannot feel close to someone and share genuine intimacy if there are trust issues. I tend to trust until others prove me wrong, but what happened this last time is that I trusted her, and it turns out she never trusted me! I gave her the space she said she needed, and then when we got back around to talking about things, she thought I was dating someone else and was mad as hell! It was all in her mind, and I know that had she trusted me the way she could have, she would never have had all these worries and would not have misunderstood my behavior--her not trusting me was in fact the eventual downfall of things between us, and to this day she is convinced that she was right about not being able to trust me!

June 6, 2005
11:46 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Being CoDep SUCKS!!

I also KNEW that I should have Kicked my Ex out on his ass YEARS before but I was so brainwashed by both him and society that I felt that if I didn't make the relationship work then it would be MY fault so I stayed with him for 4.5 years when the relationship should have ended after 1. (Looking back...)

I latched onto him so hard because he was the VERY FIRST (& only) male that I ever felt attracted to. I was so starved for love and trust that I was more then willing to fall under his spell!

I was so scared of my mother and what she did to me, so angry with my grandparents for not believing me when I begged them for help, and my aunt for telling me that I never said a word about the abuse so THAT’S why she never helped me that I have NEVER had any emotional connections with ANYONE before in my life so I was completely susceptible to being suckered into a abusive relationship with just the promise of love and physical intimacy.

Before (and after) my ex I have despised human contact. I always associated it with fake smiles and lies. To this day I only hug if it is 200% necessary and anything past a handshake makes me uncomfortable…

I have never been able to trust ANYONE and now that I have been betrayed by everyone I should have been able to trust and love explicitly and the only man I have ever opened my heart to I don’t know if I’ll EVER trust again.

I’m too scared that all I’ll have to show for it is another set of scars.

But I know that if I work hard enough I might be able to overcome this and I know that the same is true for you too Philosuffer.

Good luck and keep hoping for the best!

June 7, 2005
12:48 am
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on my way
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I believe that in any realtionship where there is no trust is bound not to flourish, trust is so important. But sometimes too, our insecurites cause us not to trust a perfectly normal trustworthy person...I guess discernment is involved, and probably getting healthy.

June 7, 2005
9:40 pm
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Im so sorry all of this has happend to you and i must say that happends to all of us. But i can say you have been strong and that i believe you can still love and be loved. Stay brave and happy im not saying for get everything all i say is to never give up and to always try to stay calm. I wish you the best and i really feel for you because i imagine what you must be feeling. Kisses, hugs, and prayers to you!!
Sole**

June 7, 2005
10:11 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Well folks, mistrust reared her ugly head here tonight. Hubby said he wanted to go to his bro's. It's becoming more frequent again. Then starts this crap about how I always make him feel guilty for going. I haven't said a word to him in months. He says it doesn't even have to be a word that it is a look I get. How am I supposed to trust? Whenever he falls off the wagon it is at his bro's. I am seeing signs I don't like, but I am trying to be supportive. He has such a hard life w/ work and my health and taking me and our daughter and he never gets time to himself. What??? He doesn't take me to any doc appts, in fact tonight when I told him I have a consult w/ the doc on Thursday about a hysterectomy he said "so that has nothing to do w/ me". I'm sorry folks but tell me something please. Of 13 years of lies, why would I trust? If he's feeling guilty then it's not me; it's probably God convicting him. I'm sorry about ranting folks; there is nobody here I can talk to. Tell me please.... why would there be any trust??? How am I I I supposed to make him not feel guilty??? I refuse to take the blame or fall this time. Maybe I'm wrong, but stubborn anyway.

Thanks for listening.

June 7, 2005
10:23 pm
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on my way
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MamaC...
love and hugs to you.

In your shoes, I would not trust either. And I do not know what to tell you to do either. Is there any other way of communicating, or have you tried everything? Is he a beleiever as well?

One thing, I do not think it is wrong of you to let him know how you feel. He probably does not want to feel like he is disappointing you, so he will not give time to solving anything verbally. It just seems like the booze is his only outlet? I am asking, I do not know if it is so. If he is a beleiver, keep praying. Stand your ground, don't feel guilty, but how could he not feel guilt....but not your fault. Conviction to do the right thing as opposed to what we know is not the best answer brings guilt when family and loved ones are involved...and then maybe frustration as it seems to be the only way it is dealt with.

AS always will keep you in my thoughts and prayers,
omw

June 7, 2005
10:26 pm
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tooscared
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I think you have to trust your gut instinct and it is telling you that something isn't right. Trust has to be earned and it doesn't sound like he is doing "much earning" right now. Sorry that you are struggling with your health and worrying about your daughter and now the added stress of your husband.

Keeping you in my prayers Mamac.

Love, TS

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