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how can we say there is "someone out there for you"
February 2, 2005
9:09 pm
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art angel
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Is this just something we tell ourselves and other people to make us feel better? How do we know if there is someone? maybe there's not. Maybe there is no one for me.

February 2, 2005
9:15 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Maybe so. What would you recomend instead? I think everyone's goal in life is to feel happy, fulfilled, have fun, and good things mostly. Perhaps, in putting so much focus on finding a soulmate we delude ourselves and are distracted from actions that would, in the end, make us happy.

February 2, 2005
10:15 pm
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art angel
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Good point. I was just reading this by the German poet Rainer Maria Rilke:

"...the process of learning always involves time set aside for solitude. Thus to love constantly and far into a lifespan is indeed aloneness, heightened and deepened aloneness for one who loves. Love does not at first have anything to do with arousal, surrender, and uniting with another human being--for what union can be built upon uncertainty, immaturity, and lack of coherence? Love is a high inducement for individuals to ripen, to strive to mature in the inner self, to manifest maturity in the outer world, to become that manifestation for the sake of another. This is a great, demanding task: it calls one to expand one's horizon greatly. Only in this sense, as the task to work on themselves, day and night, and to listen, ought young people use the love granted them. Opening one's self, and surrendering, and every kind of communion is not for them yet; they must for a very, very long time gather and harbor experience."

He goes on with more, and it makes sense to me and makes me feel better about being alone. My point was, was are we just fooling ourselves? How can we tell each other that there is "someone out there" for everybody? I mean, it's possible that there's not. So, what if that is how it is???

February 2, 2005
10:20 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Good point. I think we get lost in life when we qualify its quality with the attainment of anything be it in a significant other or even material goods. The point being, if we are unhappy what is to attract those we would want to make us happy. Wouldn't it be better to be happy first, even failing those we would attract?

February 2, 2005
10:25 pm
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art angel
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I agree. It'd be better to be mature, complete, happy people, instead of searching for someone to complete us, which is, most probably, not possible. But how do I do that, when deep down I admit I'm not complete and happy alone? Augh I'm not getting this across right. How do I go about learning and growing and being alone, striving to be happy, when I don't really want to be alone? Is it just a matter of "sucking it up" and doing it??

February 2, 2005
10:36 pm
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Yes. That's exactly what to do. Just do it. First of all, it's far more fun. The trick is not to have any expectation for an outcome but to execute life as best we can with what we've got. When we do this we forget that we are alone in this world.

One of my favorite songs is "Positivety" by a band called the Streets out of England. "Cause you were born alone and believe you me you're gonna die alone." Why not create as much happiness as you can, be it for yourself, and other's, in the meantime.

February 2, 2005
10:38 pm
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art angel
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Thanks PL, this helped!

February 2, 2005
10:41 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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No problem.

February 2, 2005
11:14 pm
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on my way
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I think it is isomething we have been taught since we were young children, either watching our parents, watching movies, fairy tales, Sleeping Beauty, etc. It is romantic to think of life this way, and realiistic as long as we keep it in perspective.

February 3, 2005
12:25 am
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I think the dificulty is balancing that perspective. It is too tempting to become wistful and wonder about our significant others. We've almost been conditioned by our culture that finding another person is the epitome' of personal completion.

"Your Nobody until Somebody Loves You." I think that's the title of the song, opitomizes this ideal. It makes us miserable when we try to obtain it and we are better off enjoying life with or without our significant others.

February 3, 2005
1:21 am
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It is almost cruel how much our culture brainwashes the individual to believe that their life is meaningless unless they find that special someone. It's everywhere in our entertainment, advertising, literature and in the way children are raised. Certainly this pursuit is not a level playing ground, and all do not end up paired off with anyone much less their ideal lover. Soul mates also pass away, and then what?

Taking this one step further, is the portrayal of parenthood as merely another rite of passage or goal on the checklist of life: childhood, higher education, job, marriage, babies. A new mother, a friend of my sister's once said to her "Well, motherhood is really the ONLY thing that gives life meaning." Huh? Hummm. Excuse the rest of us for merely living our OWN lives. Tsk tsk, what a waste.

I think it's really hard to fight a lot of this damage so late in life. Educating the self helps, but the emotional scars and conflicts are still there.

Yeah, you could tell someone there's someone out there for them and they have to go out and find that individual. And if they believe that's so important in life, they could make it happen- even at all costs with the most unhealthy partnerships.

-ella

February 3, 2005
1:24 am
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Well said, ella.

February 3, 2005
2:15 am
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SweetAmanda
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I have been thinking about this very often lately.

art angel, I know it's lonely... Sometimes I get really upset when I start to think that I'm spending 'the best years of my life' *sadly* single.

In all honesty, I'm not ready for a relationship.

I DO REALLY REALLY WANT ONE THOUGH! LOL (I'm accepting applications daily)

Joking aside, I just know that now's not 'the time'... I sure hope that there will come 'a time'.

Last week, for the first time, I prayed for God's Will to be done in my life. I prayed that He help me to desire the very things that He has in store for me, and I prayed that He help me with the things that I may never be blessed by.

I still pray for a future husband. I tell God that I have that desire in my heart, if it's pure and for His Glory will He bring me the man I am to marry? Please? LOL

Anyways, but yeah, it's *gulp* true that there is a *possibility* that I will (or you, or whoever) will be single forever. (That is if we decide to abstain from any unhealthy relationships)

I figure that the very ratio of men to women on the earth is proof enough that some people must go through life 'alone'. And by that I mean without a mate.

(I don't know the current ratios, but I know there are not equal amounts.)

And about your first question: Yes, I have said that before to make someone feel better. Maybe I shouldn't have, who knows?

~Love, Amanda!~

February 3, 2005
10:37 am
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Anonymous
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Well don't read romance books, they seriously don't help I was reading one last night and I was like "oh I want that" and I'm the age of her in this book and this could happen to me, PLEASSSEEEEE, it will never happen because it is a false sense of reality.

Reality is that relationships take work, compromise, and there are not always the butterflies. Something I am slowly learning. ANd being single is being nice.

February 3, 2005
10:53 am
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marley
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I think you have to at least believe that it is possible, but we need to accept that it might not happen right this moment. In a lot of ways I think it is better to believe that there is someone out there for you who is your perfect match because it might help us all not to settle in the crappy relationships where we are not treated with the respect that we deserve.

February 3, 2005
11:50 am
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When we depend on others for our own happiness, we will be disappointed. When we depend on others to provide us with positive self-esteem, we will be let down. When we depend on others to make us feel worthy, someone will give us the wrong message.

Everything you need to be happy and fulfilled you hold within you. Once you realize and embrace this knowledge, you can find yourself in a space where you are able to give love more freely. What goes around, comes around and all of a sudden your life is changed. Not because you were dependent on others to make you whole, but because you are reaping the harvest of the seeds of love you have sown.

This is my opinion...

Love to all,

Ren'ai

February 3, 2005
2:17 pm
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on my way
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yes, agreed and it also can caue us to hang onto someone too long because we are convinced they are our "soul mate"..and sometimes we are wrong.

February 3, 2005
2:30 pm
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marley
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yeah that is true too! the idea that someone is right for you can keep you in a bad relationship. I guess all we can do is be happy with ourselves as individuals.

February 3, 2005
8:42 pm
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art angel
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Thanks for all the feedback! Ren'ai, I agree with all that you said, but I am having so much trouble believing it--that everything I need to be happy and fulfilled I hold within me. I am the sort of person who really needs a close confidant type friend, whether it be a very close girlfriend or a romantic partner. I am struggling to understand how to make myself happy and how not to depend on others, but am finding that it is very hard. I know no one ever said it would be easy, but I am starting to catch myself thinking things like, "If I had a boyfriend, things would be perfect." and, "I miss being in a relationship." What is wrong with me?? Why am I not enough for myself? Any helpful advice or thoughts?

February 3, 2005
10:07 pm
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msguud
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Hey ARt Angel - I'm not enough for myself either, do don't feel alone.

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