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How can I walk away?
November 11, 2005
12:36 pm
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karenc
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I have been dating a guy for just about 8 months. I've been divorced for 4yrs and have only dated one other guy. I am wrapped up in my job and my children that play a lot of sports. One day I received a call from a guy who's son is friends with my son. He asked me out to the movies so I went. We hit it off and talked for hours. The relationship went very fast, to fast. Before I new it him and his son were spending the night all the time. 3 months into the relationship I had a B-day party for this guy. In my eyes we had no problems. The next day he broke up with me. Come to find out his ex-girlfriend that had dumped him 8months before wanted him back. After spending the weekend with her he was calling me crying that he missed me. I took him back but she stayed in the picture. He's been going to counciling trying to get his head straight. I tried to understand him feeling torn between us. He was with her for 2 years and was going to marry her and now he's in love with someone else also, me. After keeping her in the pic. and staying with me I told him that I couldn't take it anymore and that he need to decide between us. He said he wanted me. We started to live our lives again just to find out a month later that he was still talking to her. He moved back to his home and started to see her again, Which only lasted another weekend. He was calling me again. He said that he was confused because he loves us both. His counsler told him to stay away from both of us and get his head straight and see who he misses. We spent 10days apart and at the end he came back to me (Aug). Things have been good but very stressed over the kids fighting (2 boys, 10&12 and a 14yr girl). Last week I went to dinner with him to meet his brother from out of state. Things went well when we got home we had an issue with my son which I thought be was picking on him. The next morning I left for work and he kissed me and told me to have a good day. I called him durn the day and he didn't answer or call me back. Come to find out he left work and moved his things out. He never talked to me about his feelings or anything. My daughter ( got home from school @2) told me that he had just left the house and that he said he was going to pay some bills. I left work and went to his house to find him there. He said he was confused and once he moved his stuff out he wanted to bring it back in but couldn't because my daughter was home. I told him to start unpacking. This was the first time I yelled at him and was able to show anger. Behind all this is the ex-girlfriend once again. He won't confirm but I told him he didn't need to. I knew it. I found her work # on his cell phone bill and also went to his house one day to get pants for his son and found 2 pics of him and his ex laying out. I had cleaned his house before that and there was no pics that I could find. hmmm. What makes this so hard is when I least expect it he gets me all the time. I never let my guard down but for the moment I do he hits me with something again. I talked to him on the phone yesterday and he sounded sad and very confused once again. I called him and hate myself for it. He said that he does love me and misses me. We talked deep and after 21/2 hours he said he would call me back later that day. I haven't heard from him again. I know that he's talking to her because he wouldn't be so strong with not calling me.
He has done this to me 3 times. I know part of him is not well. He allowes himself to be bothered by issues that wouldn't be normal for most of us. He found old letters from a High School Sweet Heart that are 20yrs old. He was mad that I kept them and held that against me and see's me having sex with this guy in his head. I know that is not normal, he's been going to counseling to work on that. Even though he has done all this to me I still love him. I love the normal guy not the messed up one. I know he's not good for me and I should walk away but I am struggling with the pain that I am feeling. I have lost 6lbs in 6 days due to not eating and stress. I want the pain to go away but I miss him so much. I am in cousling but only feel good for that hour I'm there.
He hated my ex-husband for no reason and has pic. me having sex with him also.
I am a very independant person who everyone tells me that I am very strong and can't believe that I'm letting him do all this. I just can't seem to walk away. Some parts of the day I am stronger but the mornings are so hard for me. I just want the pain to go away and find the strength to walk away. When is enough, enough?

November 11, 2005
1:25 pm
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Anonymous
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Karen -

everyone has their own tolerance for "enough"....unfortunately, codepedent people have a HIGH tolerance for "emotional pain" and sometimes there is no limit to how much they will tolerate.

You mention being in therapy - that's good....maybe as a supplement, you should consider going to a metting for codependents...www.coda.org has a link for meetings in your area...they are a blessing to myself and many others and are great for times in between regular therapy where you can't keep it together. You can even get a sponsor or phone numbers of people you can call when you are distraught or need help.

Reading women who love too much and codependent no more really opened my eyes and made me see how I am, and why I do what I do and how to change old habits...they are a lifesaver for many here.

His therapist told him to stay away from you guys - and at this point, you should heed what they said - and stay away from him - even if he comes back.....you need to protect yourself and your kids from this roller coaster ride. He is unable to make and keep a commitment - you guys deserve soooo much more than that. And he is not ready to be in a relationship with ANYONE - let alone you right now...he has to get thru his own emotional stuff before he can commit. He has to get her out of his life, and he has to get thru "why" he kept going back and forth and set himself on a healthier emotional path...and that should take a great while to do....and while it's nice you may want to be by his side while he recovers - some journeys are best done alone...he needs to learn to stand on his own.

Also - going to coda meetings will help YOU learn why you tolerate this behaviour and help you break cycles of settling for less than you deserve and help you learn how to spot unhealthy men and stay away from them and finding healthy ones.

Again - only you know when enough is enough...and we can't decide that for you - it's up to you.

November 11, 2005
1:27 pm
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God love you

I was in the same situation that your partner was in and any time things got rough or tough in one of the other relationships I shipped back and forward. I have no right to advise you but can only say please be kind to you. He needs time and he cannot bounce from one relationship to another you cannot blame him as you are allowing this to happen. In the end the person I truly loved stopped seeing me. I regretted it for 5 years. I loved him. Let him go. If he loves you he will be back.

Goodluck.

November 11, 2005
1:35 pm
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karenc
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Thank you both for reaching out. I have cried for the first time and I really needed it. I know I need to let him go but how hard it is to do. I've never had to let go of someone that I love. I guess this will be the first. I do blame myself for letting this continue.

November 11, 2005
1:41 pm
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Dont plame yourself pet.

People have alllowed much worse to happen. You will get such a sense of relief. Pray to let Go. I know how hard it is. But you cannot continue to destroy yourself.

Start working on you build yourself up.

I will be thinking of you.

My Husband had been unkind to me for years, I finally got the courage to respect myself and leave, but he reached out for me, I was pathetic at stages. This is all about learning Never blame yourself for growing in recovery.

Get a wee cup of tea and don't listen for the phone, listen to your heart it respects you.

November 11, 2005
1:44 pm
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Anonymous
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stop blaming.

enough beating yourself up.

you were responsible for taking him back. you were responsible for loving him with all you could. you were responsible for wanting more.

But he was responsible for giving it - and he didn't.

So, dust yourself off, and take one moment, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month at a time.

And focus on "what's best for you and kids" - without him being part of that answer - cuz unfortunately, he isn't part of it.

I know you love him, I can hear it/read it in your post - so think of this - you are doing this because you love him and want him better - you are letting him go, so he can heal. And in return, you can heal yourself.

Turn your focus on yourself and your kids...they will need to adjust to him being gone for good also.

get involved with the kids, work, outside interests...but also get into some kind of support group, or therapy, so you can work on healing and preventing yourself from picking a bad boyfriend again.

and let the tears flow...they help heal the hurt.

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