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HOW CAN I TRUST AGAIN?
November 4, 1999
9:34 pm
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Sherri
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This is difficult for me because I am not used to sharing my weaknesses with anyone. I guess I've been hurt so many times in my life that I've gotten to the point that I can't open up to anyone and I've put up a wall between myself and the world.
We moved alot when I was a kid. Just when I'd start to make friends (if I did) we'd move again. Both parents were alcoholics who hit us and each other. I was painfully shy. My mom verbally abused me in particular. Once I was on my own I seemed to gravitate towards the wrong relationships and got burned lots of times. It just got so painful that I felt I couldn't take it any more, or wouldn't. I'm such a good liar, because no one really knows the truth. I couldn't let them. But I feel so numb sometimes, too. And I feel like I really could use a friend. I have a husband who's nice, but could never understand, only sympathize. I really don't even open up to him that much... Help, I need advice!

November 5, 1999
7:59 am
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hazza
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Hi sherri,
It nice to talk to you here, you will find many of us here who understand your feelings. Not everyone can relate to these sort of problems, like maybe your husband, but that doesn't make him a bad person, he just doesn't have the same life experience as you. first of all, lets look at the good side, your husband is nice, thats good! its nice to have a nice person in your life, if he can only sympathise then that is okay. You don't need to get everything from him, you can talk to us, your friends etc.
You say you don't usually open up, well you have here and thats good too.
it sounds like you had a difficult childhood, this leaves so many scars that at times it can feel impossible to have a normal life. But, it doesn't mean that you have to have an unhappy future.
How is your life now? What is it that you feel you are lying about?
it can be very difficult to trust when you have been hurt before, but it is a gradual process. You can learn to relax in time and deal with things day by day.
You don't have to be superwoman, you just need to coe to terms with things in your own time.
Please write back to us and tell us more about what is on your mind, we can't cure things but the help you gain from other peoples experiences can be amazing. All of us here have seen positive effects from the support we give each other, so you wont find any better place to find friends!
Take care
Hazza

November 5, 1999
10:42 am
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Cici
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Hi Sherri,

I grew up with an emotionally and physcially abusive mother and a distant father. We also moved ( my father was in the Navy), but not very often. I was a shy child, very conservative adn quiet because of my strict up bringing. I was burned by several relationships until I met this wonderful man...he doesn't understand my problems (he grew up in Leave it to Beaver!!!!), but he listens to me, sympathizes, holds me when I cry...he treats me like gold.

I've dealt with my problems through drug addiction and relationship addiction, I was blatantly co-dependent. After psychotherapy, counseling, some drug therapy, self-exploration and group therapy, I've come to realize somethings about my life.

I decided that I wasn't gong to blame my adult problems on my childhood...on an abusive mother and a distant father. That's all in my past. I made the choices I made, I decided to take an active stance. I refuse to allow what someone else did to me to control my life. I'm strong, I'm a beautiful person, and I refuse to let anyone else or what they say or do to me make me feel bad about myself. And I refuse to be hurt by anyone else's insecurities.

This sort of sounds like Cici going off about her own strength. Blech! What I mean to say is, having experienced similar problems, I understand what you feel. But if you let others influence how you feel so strongly, you let all the evil in them win. It's a lesson you must learn yourself, in order to make you a stronger, more secure person, but it's a lesson that CAN be learned. I guess that's my point.

You've taken the first step...admitting that you are unhappy. Now you need to go further. Talk about yourself...we want to know the complete and uninhibited you! Then, look at yourself. Honestly and Acceptingly; look at all your faults and insecurities and really, really examine yourself. Then you must learn to love yourself for all the faults you see. It's a long and drawn out process, but the people on this board really help.

Good luck!

November 5, 1999
9:16 pm
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Sherri
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Thanks for responding Hazza & Cici. I've taken both of your advice to heart. Maybe I was kind of vague about myself, but as I said it's kinda hard. I think I may have missed some vital social skill experience when growing up due to our constant moving and my mom's own insecurities. It seemed the only way she could build herself up was to bring ME down. I had such a low self esteem mainly because of her. But when I was a child I also kind of looked like a boy, which is hard even now to remember. I was very skinny also and was constantly berated by the other kids. I remember one time in 5th grade when standing in line to go in the school after recess, the whole class decided to throw the playground balls at me. No one else but me. I began hiding in the bathroom after that during recesses, which lasted all through my education. Instead of trying to fit in and make friends, I hid. I didn't go to prom, or any other social functions. During junior and high school years I did a lot of drugs, ran away twice, etc. I joined the Army right out of high school (my mother had already kicked me out of the house by then). This really was a life saving choice. I thank God (or whoever) that I decided to do that. I could be dead by now at the rate I was going if I hadn't. The Army gave me a lot of confidence that I was lacking. I was now able to interact socially and was actually kind of popular. But I think a lot of the braveness I felt was
also due to the fact that I knew I wasn't going to be there long and knew the score. Any time I am in a situation where I know there's not a chance of the relationship becoming permanent, I can let go. Otherwise, I clam up. I really don't know how to trust, when I have been hurt so many times before. I can just see history being repeated... Anyway, sorry for burdening you guys with my problems, I know you have plenty of your own. But thanks again...

November 5, 1999
9:50 pm
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Sherri
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Oh, yeah. You asked me what I felt I was lying about.
My husband also came from the "Leave it to Beaver" show. His parents rarely if ever drank and treated him great. They lived in the same town all their life, etc.
On the other hand, my family life was insane. My parents drank all the time, threw things at each other (even knives!) and screamed at each other and us kids all the time. Not to mention my dad's belt... My mom slept around a lot (even had sex in front of me & my sister one night-she thought we were asleep!)and went around the house naked or half-naked all the time. The only movies she ever watched were pornos or horror flicks!
What I'm trying to get at is that my life now is so normal, that I guess it feels surreal. My husband is a good guy, like I said, but since he grew up with so little adversity, he has a hard time dealing with stress. So I feel that if I have problems I should try to deal with them myself and not burden him even more. He was also told he had a kidney disease a couple years ago, so I know in his heart he feels he is going to die early some time in the not-so-far off future. (He will need a transplant eventually) It wouldn't be fair to give him my problems too.
You know, I haven't really told you the truth. I guess the reason I feel I'm living a lie is that I'm not sure that I'm married to the right person. Kind of late to be realizing this! I fell in love in the Army, but not with my husband. He was my friend when I was in love with this other guy (my husband was already in love with me & I knew, but I made it clear that we were just friends). The guy that I was madly in love with got out of the Army. I was depressed, so I slept with another guy I had saw prior to this guy once more. Well, one night and guess what? A Baby! My head was so messed up! I didn't care, I still had to go see this guy I was in love with. My friend (husband now) helped me get the money I needed to go see the other guy. I pawned everything. Well, it didn't work out, obviously. I came back and still had to deal with the baby situation. My head was really messed up by now. I had been totally anti-abortion before then, but I'll tell you, you'll never know what you'd really do until you have to make that decision. I'm happy to say now that I wasn't able to get enough money together in time to get rid of the baby, my beautiful 8 year old daughter! Anyway, my husband was very supportive. I spent a lot of nights in his barracks just falling asleep with him. He never tried anything. I had a LOT of respect for him. After a while, he began courting me. At first, I told him no, then eventually gave in. A couple months later we got married at the justice of the peace. No witnesses. I did and do love him, but sometimes wonder if it's the right kind of love to base a marriage on. He's a wonderful guy. He has his faults, but he doesn't watch football and likes to shop! Almost seems like the dream guy, right? But is compatability enough? Shoudn't there be that spark? I just don't know. I feel so confused. But if it ever ended, I woudn't have anyone. He seems so much more like a friend than a lover, though. And I'm not even sure of my sexual orientation anymore. I find myself strangely attracted to my one and only female friend... I just don't know...

November 6, 1999
2:17 pm
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Cici
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I feel that sometimes we don't feel good about ourselves, so we don't feel like we deserve that unconditional, giving sort of love that some people can give. Go on, Sherri...

November 6, 1999
7:54 pm
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Despite my new name, this is Sherri again. Deleted the bookmark I had to avoid my husband seeing this (stupid to put my name as my nickname!) and after I Finally found this site again, forgot my password! Oh, well...
When I was in the Army I guess I felt like I had a purpose in life, but now things seem so out of focus. I have no friends except for the one I mentioned who has moved to another town. I know I can be a very interesting and even charismatic person if I let myself go, but I'm so damn SCARED. It seems so much easier to just keep to myself. I've grown used to the loneliness and know what to expect from it, even if I do get pretty depressed at times. But the risk of getting hurt again scares me so much. I guess I came here because I know that if I continue this way I can't be the best mom I can be for my kids. When I get down I sometimes get angry with my kids over little things. Please don't misunderstand, I am not abusive with them. I don't think I could ever become what my mom was/is. I think about it all the time, and try so hard not to be what she is. But sometimes... The verbal abuse was the worst. There's nothing like someone telling you you're worthless and will never make anything of yourself. Sometimes I find myself very critical of the kids, especially my 8 year old, and wonder if I am destined to repeat my mother's mistakes. It's frightening; this temper comes out of nowhere sometimes. I've been afraid to even mention it to anyone for fear they would take it the wrong way. I AM a good mother. I spend time with my kids and constantly tell them that I love them. I think I repress so many things, that sometimes it's just overwhelming. Especially after a long day and the kids are demanding my attention for one thing or another...
But yes, Cici, I suppose I do feel in my heart that I am not deserving of other's love. I have had this deep down feeling for all of my life that I was less the everyone else, or alienated. Yes, alien is the word. I never fit in, I never belonged. I guess I feel that way still. I'm just an outsider looking in...

November 10, 1999
1:36 am
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daizy
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Some of us in life weren't dealt a full deck of cards and some of us were. So those of us who weren't have to go and find the rest of those cards and then when we do find them..sometimes we still feel half lost.
What I'm saying is that you sound like you've found your path, but inside you feel lost. Take a look at your surroundings. You have a wonderful child. You have a husband, and even though he may not fully understand what type of life you've had, he still is your husband and if you communicate with him, then maybe he can see your world through your eyes.
It just sounds to me that your life really is ok, but you need to put your thoughts together. Maybe discuss your feelings with a counselor.
There is something I want to add. You sound a bit unsure of your relationship with your husband. Take a step back and look at it more clearly. Each of you have something to learn and share with one another. You are a survivor - you can teach him how to be one. He (from what you describe) can teach and show you how to be at peace. You each have qualities that drew you to one another - so share them with one another. Make a bond with one another, while time prevails and show your daughter something you didn't see....show her what love is.

November 11, 1999
6:21 pm
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Thanks daizy. It really waas nice to hear from you. I suppose you're right about needing to get my thoughts together. I am lucky in that I found a good decent person for a husband (and not an abusive one, considering...). I think most of the time I do have it together, but I am still not living my life to it's fullest potential and I believe that we should. I would love to have a lot of friends, but am not able or don't know how to go about it. Any suggestions? I am also working on preparing to see a counselor, so I'm sure that will help also....

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