Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
how can i stop needing? wanting? a man that is bad
August 24, 2001
2:08 am
Avatar
debbie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I married a man that I have known all of my life two years ago.....he was always in trouble, prison, anger problem, abusive past (as well as mine), the past year has been distant,,,resentful,,,,he has been horribly angry and verbally abusive....now he is in a hotel waiting for his mother to come and get him..(no license) and take him to Ga. I want to stop him, but i'm the one that has wanted him gone for the past year,,,,now i want to scream don't go...but i know he would be mean to me....how can i be strong and feel comfortable about ...that it is the best thing for me??

August 24, 2001
2:41 pm
Avatar
gypsygirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Someone once told me that we keep going back bcause that is all we know and that is "comfortable" for us. It is very scary to venture into the unknown (a healthy relationship). I hope that makes sense to you.

August 24, 2001
3:05 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bad love is better than no love, and if it is the only love we know, we get confused because it hurts and we still want it. We attract often what is familiar, or all that we think that we deserve, or until the light goes on, and for some it never does, then we go hey, there has to be something better than this?

Depending on our points of referance, what is good or bad, right or wrong, can get blury, in that blur if you will,we can get even more confused. The cycles of domestic abuse is even more confusing because we wait for the good days, which usually come. Our boundry lines defined by our morals and ethics get pushed bent and manipulated beyond our recognition, and before we know it, we are in the blackest of pits, wondering who we are and how we got there, it takes so much effort to get out of that pit, that when the light shines down, you say this isn't so bad, but then the light goes out again, too soon.
Guys like this are a dime a dozen, and I'll bet that if you change your mind, he will take you back in a heart beat, but there will be a price to pay, and ultimately it will be your soul. You didn't say how old you are, or if there are kids involved, but I ask you, what do you have to loose?
I am quite certain that he is one frustrated angry, feeling really small man, that projects all of the consequences of his choices on to those that are closest to him, and perhaps even blaming, but its his stuff not yours. There is no way that you can fix, heal, repair, or change him, got it?
I challenge you to make the life that you want. To discover the inner stregnth that you have allowed to be hidden. I challenge you to find your power, to live in peace, to become independent, to be free of fear, pain, confusion, and to experience the joy that life can offer. Its not easy at first, and I say only at first, give it a full 21 days of healing, while you learn to be self indulgent, doing what you want when you want saying what you want when you want, eating what you want when you want, exercising for you, working for you, saving for you, if after a full three months, you don't notice a light ness, discover beauty, discover joy that you never thought existed, well like I said you can always go back, or heck like I suggested, guys like him are a dime a dozen, but we all know just like you that you deserve better.

August 25, 2001
2:13 am
Avatar
debbie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks to all for your comments, it really helps!! I was married for 6 years from 1979 to 1985, but left because i was always afraid it wouldn't work...he lied about drugs, and drinking was a problem for him..and he always put everything before me...didn't seem to care at all..eventually he became verbally abusive, so i left, moved to montana and finished my masters degree...then moved to ca. to teach,,,,,,loved it..was alone with my two girls for 13 yrs, then moved to texas to be closer to family and started dating...didn't even date before this, then i met a horrible man (of course i didn't know it..too gullible i guess) he was soooooo good to me,,seemed to love everything about me and i dived right in...needed that...then i find out after i marry him a year later that he was still married to someone else and that he was a compulsive liar...he was horrible to my children...so i left and had a hard time getting over that.....then met back up with my current husband that i knew all of my life...and married 2 yrs ago..., so i have been alone most of my adult life....it seems that the rug just slips out from underneath me when i am involved with someone....before when i had been alone for so long i started sleeping too much and became irritable with my children too often....i felt that i should start dating...didn't even want to form close friendships....then i met the compulsive liar and fell soooo hard...i didn't see who he was at all...he was so good to me though...but not to my children...then when i left him i thought i needed my current husband..i felt that i needed someone close to love me like that, that i could trust (knew him most of my life, but knew he had problems).. why did i need him so much...and now why do i think i still need him?? I know with time i will be glad that he is gone and i cannot go back...won't do that to myself....the whole time i have been with him i have been in fear because from the minute he got up in the morning until bed time he was only interested in what he wanted to do, and would get angry if i wanted differently,,,,,said i was controlling...but i really needed to feel that he wanted to be with me (he doesn't work....draws SS for a broken back)...he would watch tv all day or play nintendo....then when i got home he would go into the garage and work on his truck or work on hobbies...it was like i was alone again.....he had no interest to spend time with me...then when i verbalized that i wish he would work on his stuff during the day so we could see each other at night...he rebelled big-time,,saying that he never did what he wanted to do...all i did was work..then home for more work....again here i was involved in a relationship with someone that is only capable of caring for himself and expecting me to just care for him.....i became distant...he became demanding for "things"...i was alone and hated his resentment....
Does it sound like i am codependent or controlling?? confusing to me....i know that i am fine when i am alone...but i really put a lot into this relationship..gave it 100%...he just didn't return...and blames me for not returning it.....all of his life he has told me that all he ever wanted was me...and when he got me he acted like it was nothing...he just tuned into himself and what he wanted....all i looked forward to was being with him,,,(before we got married i didn't commit because i knew that i had a lot to figure out...but when i married him i really wanted it,,,he didn't)....now he is leaving...i wanted him to...it was miserable,..but now i am afraid that i will slip back into the "loner" role and just work,,,,caring for everyone else....knowing i want to be with someone...but afraid of making the wrong choice again...am i looking at all of this all wrong?? All of your advice really helped me, so i am adding more, hoping that you can see something more that i don't see...
thanks again!!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
41 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109365

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

cthuekzDazy, rctyzDazy, Jamesfoush, hecnzDazy, Ostapmof, bhbyfDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer