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How can I help myself and my girlfriend get past what I did to her?
October 28, 2009
2:49 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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to needhelp2009 -

it appears we have similar situations - and the only difference seems to be that you DID apologize and promise not to do it again.

my husband has still not owned up to it - plus, he went further than "touching my underpants" - by moving my leg first, to gain access, then moving my underwear aside, then touching me all over down there....

months later he still claims he doesn't remember.

sooooooooooooo - the BEST you can do is apologize and work to regain her trust....which may take time.

she is fair to say she feels scared to sleep next to you - cuz when we are sleeping next to someone, we are vulnerable and have to trust our partner is not going to take advantage of that.....all you can do is keep communicating - explain in detail your feelings and why you did it and why you know you won't do it again...make her understand that you "
get it"....and won't do it again.

in the end - if it doesn't work out - chalk it up as experience and move on.

sometimes a person cannot get past this type of thing - but it doesn't make them wrong...you did the best you could to apologize - ball is in her court...there is probably nothing more you can do at this point, other than kiss her ass immensely, which just isn't smart cuz it sets you up for an unhealthy situation where she will have alot more control or power over you than she should.

maybe there is a past history of abuse or something - by now, after two years, you should know something about it...considering you are considering marriage....counseling is an option - as a couple - to learn and grow and become healthier overall - don't need serious issues to consider counseling - just growing in the right/healthy direction is reason enough.

good luck to you

October 28, 2009
3:45 pm
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darkeyes
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rising. in most every tread on here its about situations people are in, involving others in their lifes, i told my story in my words and was honest in what i said, i got advise, opinions, views on what i said. it was never disprecting anyone in who i was in situations with ever, it was me trying to find answers to make my life healthy.... i know theres two sides to every story but anyone coming here can only tell how they see things, and are not speaking on anyone elses behalf.....[[hugs]]

October 30, 2009
11:09 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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darkeyes, I understand that completely.

I guess the point I was trying to make is that in our efforts to "help" someone, we often get passionate about our responses, and may fail to think about how much info we are not getting about the situation.

I don't even know if that makes sense.

In my situation - if you were my husband coming here (and I know you aren't), and he received the advice you got - he would go about his business thinking he was completely in the right, that there was nothing wrong with what he did and that I was the "crazy" one....which is not really the case. There is no right or wrong answers....and I think that we get caught up in "taking sides", myself included - instead of thinking how we can help someone by giving more generalized advice....stuff like encouring communication between partners, or getting professional help or even just general support.

even now I am not sure I am explaining myself right.

all I know is that I would hate someone to give my husband the advice you received, because in his mental capacity, it would only case him to feel like he was faultless in the situation.....and that I was to blame for crying "rape" or that I was violated or that I walked away unjustly....which he still believes.

we are all entitled to our opinions...and all entitled to ask for advice.....I am not discouraging that at all.

i'm rambling...gonna stop now

October 30, 2009
11:58 am
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StronginHim77
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NeedHelp...

Just wanted to post a brief note of encouragement. This thread appears to have gotten "siderailed." Returning to your original posting and much of the subsequent input which you received, I hope that you are reaching out for some supportive counseling...also, that you are keeping a safe distance from this young woman.

Barring any extreme, mitigating circumstances (such as Rising's unusual scenario), feeling "violated" because one's sexual partner approached and/or fondled you during sleep is an unreasonable reaction on her part. There is nothing for you to feel ashamed of. You committed no crime. If you did, then MILLIONS of men in this country should get arrested each night.

Having been married a long time, (20 years before being widowed),I can assure you there were MANY times when my husband would "feel me up" while I was asleep. Sometimes, I would respond. Sometimes, I was too tired. I certainly never felt violated or considered him a borderline rapist. I was IN LOVE WITH HIM and our bodies were "as one."

So, do seek out counseling. You mentioned a pastor. Perhaps, you could seek some pastoral counseling, in addition to secular, just to get a spiritual perspective on same. It might help you to get a clearer perspective on what is -- and is not -- normal and appropriate sexually between husband and wife.

- Ma Strong

October 30, 2009
12:15 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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Ma, and Need -

I think that no matter what is "normal", a person has the right to their own preferences.

And in the interest of our preferences, it is CRITICAL to have an open, honest relationship with our partners, where we can communicate our wants and needs.

We all have sexual preferences that may not be shared by our partners - and being felt up while asleep may not be one of them. Some people may prefer bondage, but their partners don't....doesn't mean that it should be tolerated, it means it's a topic that needs to be discussed and a mutual, respectful decision reached.

So, no matter what is normal - we are all entitled to be respected for what we want and need from our partners.

I think the only "shameful" thing in all of this - at least in my case - is the lying. As I mentioned - had he owned up - we wouldn't be having this convo....the lying was a bigger issue than the actual situation.

October 30, 2009
12:20 pm
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StronginHim77
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Need -

Hoping to hear from you.

- Ma

October 30, 2009
1:54 pm
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Okay, when I first read this thread this morining I thought to myself, I have been in her shoes before, I know how violated she is feeling but I need more information before I can give advice or judge her or you. the little information we have sounds like you are in the right and you did nothing wrong.. I would love to be woken up that way by the person that I LOVE and TRUST... But I dont know what lead up to her feeling that way, was it you? was it someone from her past?

have you had sex with her before or is she scared to do it for the first time?

How is your relationship with her during the day?

How is your sexual relationship when you are awake?

When I was feeling violated it was years and years of mistrust and abuse, when he would touch me in the middle of the night it WAS to rape me, I am with a great guy now and if he were to make advances in the middle of the night they would be welcome, but it has taken almost a year of therapy to get there and I am still in therapy.

This sounds like it is too much information for a thread like this, I suggest you get couples counseling BEFORE you move in together.

Let us know how things turn out,

Elle

November 10, 2009
2:53 am
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Need Help2009
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Thanks everyone for all your help and comments...we have gone through our recovery stage and things are on the better side again! We have comfronted and worked out our issues and continue to move forward!

Again thanks so much for everyones help! It is very much appreciated!

November 10, 2009
5:47 am
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darkeyes
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best of luck in your future... remember to ask for what you want and need, never take for granted your partner...never assumn, comunication is most important..

November 10, 2009
8:26 am
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lollipop3
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I'm glad to hear things are working out for you.

Communication and mutual respect is key to any relationship!

Good luck,

Lolli

November 10, 2009
12:12 pm
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fantas
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Glad things are going well. I would highly recommend couple's therapy before you walk down that isle. Good time to start 🙂

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