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How can I help myself and my girlfriend get past what I did to her?
October 24, 2009
3:19 pm
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darkeyes
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thats all it was a mistake... you have apologiesed, and thats all you can do.. up to her to accept and move on or beat you with it forever, up to you how much you take... your the same person just learning things and feeling your way in this relationship, its the most fun time in anyones life, memories are made..have fun, be happy, life shouldnt be so serious for you yet...

October 24, 2009
3:28 pm
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Thanks again! I totaly agree and that's what I am waiting for is for her to come clean and accept this, so we may move on!

I know that may not be the easiest for her but I just need to be patient and supportive!

October 24, 2009
3:33 pm
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fantas
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1)For future reference, you will need to pull this up as you defend yourself against her accusations that you no longer seduce her like you used to and are no longer attracted to her. Trust me, this will happen. I know you love, her you both can't imagine your life apart, etc. but this day will come. This is the stage of the relationship where the for better and for worse part really gets used up.

2)I see serious enmeshment, caretaking instead of caring, and codependent instead of interdependent tendencies, between the two of you already. I think this would be a good time for both of you individually and together to seek counseling before even moving in together.

3)If she feels violated, there is nothing you can do about that other than what you have already done. You need to handle to panic and fear of loosing this relationship without overly grovelling or trying to be too helpful. The person whom you perceive to have raped you, cannot be the same person who gets you help. You cannot look to her to reassure you right now. She will have to decide how and when she will do that and you just have to wait. Call your mom, pastor, preacher etc. not because you need them to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong or because you want them to talk to her for you, or to the two of you. Talk to them to ask you to help deal and accept this present circumstance.

4)Know, respect, and have courage in yourself! You know the truth of the matter on your end of things. You have no control over how a person chooses to interpret your actions, nor should you try to control that, especially if they are determined not to. The more you do this the less respect they will loose for you and you for yourself. Why? because you aren't standing on your truth. The same fear that caused you to lie to her, is now causing you to betray yourself. You do not need to overly defend yourself. If she isn't willing to forgive she wont. Respect yourself enough to walk out of there, learn your lesson and do better in the next relationship, if it comes to that.

5) I think there is only one thing you can do with her. Ask a simple question, "How can I make it up to you?". Do what she says and comfort your own anxiety and panic without involving her anymore. If she doesn't know this or she wants to keep talking about how hurt she was and how much trust she has lost in you, then be the loving gentleman and say, "Again, I'm sorry for what happened, I didn't intend to hurt you, and I respect your feelings, so I will remove myself from your presence because I no longer want to keep hurting you". After that, leave her alone! Do not call her, txt her, e-mail her, stalk her facebook etc, or show up where she is. (all of those things just immature, dramatic, and emotional control on both your part). You trying to talk to her and her refusing to respond and being a drama queen about it. If she feels raped, she can call the police. That's would be the right thing to do.

I think counseling would be great for you as well.

October 24, 2009
3:36 pm
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darkeyes
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yes this will pass all just learning for the more important things.. lesson learned ask for what you want and need in all areas of your life..your a good person..enjoy life have fun in learning, be safe!!!

October 24, 2009
3:53 pm
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StronginHim77
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Again, this girl has some serious issues about sex. Period. And I don't see a bright future for the two of you...I see HELL ON EARTH. If she perceives a gentle, "Wanna-Fool-Around" caress during sleep time as attempted rape or a violation of her person, she has SERIOUS problems which are NOT going to disappear without serious therapy for herself. And it doesn't sound as if she is ready to do that.

I would not know how to advise you to talk with your pastor. I am a pastor and -- therefore -- unable to sanction premarital sex. Any pastor is going to have the same "take" on your relationship. Morally, a Christian's pastor's position would be that what you, two, are doing (sleeping together with -- or even without -- sex) is wrong. (The reason sleeping together even WITHOUT sexual contact is because this is a physical intimacy, reserved for marriage. It also gives the appearance of evil to outsiders and presents a serious temptation to those who try it...rather like playing with fire.

OK. I agree with the advice given to you that you back away from this girl. No texting. No emails. No phone calls. No "visits." Nothing that constitutes stalking. Stay away from her. I have no idea if she is unstable enough to try and press charges against you for rape, but she does sound like a very unbalanced girl. Please be careful.

- Ma Strong

October 24, 2009
4:14 pm
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She sounds manipulative to me.

Bitsy

October 24, 2009
10:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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I am uncomfortable posting this, but here goes.

Some days back (maybe a week ago?), someone posted on these threads about having lost all trust in her partner/husband (can't remember which?) because he had tried to "feel her up" (I am paraphrasing here) while she was asleep.

She added that she felt violated and had lost all trust in him, using this as grounds for separating from him.

Now I got the willies. These postings are just too doggone close to those to be a coincidence.

I sure hope I am wrong. I would hate to think that someone was here under a different screen name, posing as the "totally in the wrong guy who violated his female partner," in order to get more feedback.

Dang. Does anyone else remember the posting I am talking about? I am trying hard to remember who shared this situation. Will post the SN when/if it comes back to me.

- Ma Strong

October 24, 2009
10:23 pm
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StronginHim77
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This is really upsetting me or I would not post about it.

- Ma

October 25, 2009
6:11 am
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darkeyes
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stronginHim77, if something is upsetting you it is,, you have a voice....im not sure on the other tread but if your wrong you can apologies and move on...your protecting us all here by voicing you opinion, i respect that always... darkeyes

October 25, 2009
6:11 am
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darkeyes
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stronginHim77, if something is upsetting you it is,, you have a voice....im not sure on the other tread but if your wrong you can apologies and move on...your protecting us all here by voicing you opinion, i respect that always... darkeyes

October 25, 2009
8:01 am
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Well Ma, if it is the girlfriend who is trying to gain ammo and sympathy she has discovered she is the one with the problem not the boyfriend.

Bitsy

October 25, 2009
11:54 am
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StronginHim77
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Good point, Bitsy. Wish I could remember which thread this keeps reminding me of, though... It's so close, it's uncanny.

- Ma

October 25, 2009
12:01 pm
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StronginHim77
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Was there a thread started this month(or last) when RisingfromtheAshes returned? And had just ended her marriage? What was the title of that thread? Anyone remember?

- Ma

October 25, 2009
9:57 pm
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fantas
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Yes, there was a thread. Can't remember what the title was but there is one.

October 25, 2009
11:41 pm
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StronginHim77
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I can't remember the title, either, but I keep recalling so many similarities between what was that post contained and what this thread presents. Too many similarities.

Again, I don't feel very comfortable about this and I also feel uneasy sharing my concerns. But something is just not sitting right with me about this thread in light of the previous one which had such an identical theme (right down to the details), only from a different partner's "perspective"

- Ma

October 25, 2009
11:48 pm
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fantas
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This is the kind of bs my ex used to do. He would hack into my e-mails, send them e-mails pretending it was me talking about him and when they replied, he would get so pissed off at me. Sometimes, he would just identify himself to them. Out of at least a hundred friends, only one of them told him that he was disrespectful and didn't want to talk to him without my permission. These are control freaks... So if this person is two timing us, he/she/it now knows this coin has two heads. Things are the same regardless of which perspective he is coming from 🙂

October 25, 2009
11:50 pm
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sdesigns
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The thread you're thinking of was last posted on On Oct 8, if you go to the one month time frame you'll find it. The people in this particular thread are much younger than rising and her husband.

October 25, 2009
11:51 pm
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sdesigns
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or so they say.......

October 26, 2009
9:57 pm
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StronginHim77
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SD - I found the posting that was troubling me. The "parallelisms" are disturbing. Much as I want to be supportive of those going thru real troubles, I just don't feel okay about this thread anymore.

- Ma

October 28, 2009
12:58 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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ok - I am here - and ready to respond

though maybe I shouldn't as my blood is boiling.

first off, my husband is in his 20's....so that part is accurate.

what isn't similar is 1) I am married - tho the time frame is the same 2 1/2 years 2) my husband is NOT internet savvy, has NO clue what AAC is and couldn't spell or type to save his life - nor does he have a computer or access...NOT to say someone isn't typing it for him and 3) my situation was almost identical, BUT many details were left out.

For one - I would like to address the "she has issues comment" - many of you jumped to defend this person - and say the woman was way off base.

Since I was on the receiving end - let me tell you my perspective -

for starters, we had issues - one was my lack of libido, which I did all I could to address it - getting testing done, seeing docs, trying to communicate with him, etc....as it turns out, part of my libido issue was stress due to my doing all the work taking care of the home, finances and our new baby....because baby didn't sleep thru the night, and hubby did, I was totally sleep deprived. Exhaustion was the biggest factor.

then, there were tensions relating to finances.

then, there were issues I had with my husband's behaviour......

I did not leave my husband simply cuz he moved my leg out of the way, my panties aside, and stuck his fingers where he wanted......

(and all of this was communicated to him....)

what bothered me was that A) he did it when I had taking sleeping pills, which rendered me unable to react, B) the next day (and TO THIS DAY) he claims he had no idea he was doing it and C) we had other issues leading up to this........

and add on that another time he tried a similar stunt, while he was AWAKE and cognitive of what he was doing - while I was napping - only to AGAIN, say he didn't remember doing it.

Yes - I have esteem issues - but sex was not an issue for us....until the baby was born...and stress and exhaustion were the problem.

Now, up until this - during my libido issues - my husband tried things to get me "going" - his idea of foreplay was putting his hand up my nightgown with my 15 yo daughter sitting next to us in the living room....or groping me while I was making dinner, with son clinging to my leg screaming for my attention....or following me into the cubicle of a bathroom while I was trying to pee......and every attempt to sleep with me was LATE at night...knowing I would be up with the baby, that baby slept in same room and was a light sleeper, etc...even if I went to bed early, he stayed up late, and waited until he was ready to try......

ALL THIS TIME - I tried explaining that his efforts were getting me upset - that I was tired and stressed and when I was doing dishes was NO time for foreplay...that he was only annoying me more.

NEVER did he try to assume some of my responsibilities to alleviate some of my stress, NEVER did he take me out on a date to initiate some romance (even at my suggestion), NEVER did he pay any part of the finances, NEVER did he get up with the baby or assume baby duty during the day......and yes, I tried talking to him about it.

I was told that one of his buddies went so far as putting some wildflowers in a soda bottle and suggest he take them to me and then otu to dinner....he threw them on the ground and walked out....pissed at the suggestion

in any case - the LYING (which was also an ongoing issue - he is a compulsive liar and will agree to it)....the ongoing issues causes me to leave.

For those of you who say that it's ok for someone to do - my husband is supposed to be my "safe zone" - I should not feel scared around my husband...and to think that I could fall asleep and have something done to me that I did not participate in or agree to....is SCARY.....

NOW

HAD HE SAID - "honey, I am sorry, I was trying to get something going and was hoping you would wake up and go along with it..........."

I WOULD HAVE STAYED........END OF STORY

but he didn't....because he claims he does not remember doing it - I feared it would happen again.

also know I have a 15 yo daughter that he has shown unhealthy boundaries with (and she is creeped out by him) and I worried he could/would do the same to her and then claim amensia....also know my OWN family expressed concerns with his boundaries with her (and me) after ONE meeting.

because he lied, because he claims he doesn't remember -

I FELT UNSAFE - and VIOLATED - I was under the influence of sleeping pills and HE KNEW IT...initially, he tried touching me and waiting for reaction, when he got nothing, he proceeded to move onto bigger and better things....all the time stopping to gauge my reaction or see if I was waking up....ONLY when I grumbled did he stop...at some point I rolled over and he waited for me to sleep again and started over, moving my leg, etc.

sooooooooooo, those are the sordid details....

maybe it will change your view, maybe not, that isn't my goal.

I DO have issues - you all know that, I have been here long enough.

I also know I don't want the type of relationship my parent's have - and this is the same type of crap my dad would pull.

yes, men will be men...yes, sex is part of the marriage contract....

BUT - so is respect, honesty and communication - which are all lacking for me.

It creeps me out to ready "my story" in this guys post....not sure what's up with it....especially given that I went into seclusion originally cuz my ex found me and was "cyber stalking" me here and in other places.

don't think my husband is smart enough for that...but wonder if someone else knows my story and is fucking with my head.

dunno, don't care.

I know my truth and if there is one thing this site has taught me - it's the ONLY thing that matters - not what anyone else thinks.

anyone else that knows me personally has told me that leaving him was the smartest thing I could ahve done.

October 28, 2009
1:06 pm
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Then your situations are different. Maybe someone is cyber stalking you. I based my opinions of the situation based on them both being in early 20's. Of course, "I ain't gettin' any and haven't gotten any" in a reeeaaaallll long time.

Bitsy

October 28, 2009
2:14 pm
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sdesigns
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((((((Rising))))))

I surely hope that he doesn't have access to this site and it is a coincidence. You certainly have enough on your plate without having to worry about what gets posted here.

Its happened before- ex's finding the site and posting- and its very disturbing and uncomfortable for everyone.

Its interesting that whoever was posting this has stopped since comments were made about it being questionable.

sd

October 28, 2009
2:32 pm
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darkeyes
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[[rising]]..your story is totally different.. i gave my opinion on the other tread...the young lad didnt say he was married said he was begining to live with his girlfriend, seemed he had no expierenced sexually..i wasnt disprecting his girlfriend in any thing i said.. im sorry your lifes journey is as such, but i was not refering my opinion to your life in any way....

October 28, 2009
2:32 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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just dunno - the ONLY person who knows about this site is my ex stalker....but he wouldn't have info about my situation - as he doesn't even know my husband.....and those that know my husband wouldn't know about this site....and my husband just isn't computer literate or regular literate, to know and post here.

so it's a very odd coincidence.

my only hope is that the people who responded in favor of the guy doing it, realizes that there is often more to the story and without both sides, you may be sending an entirely WRONG message to someone.....

in the end - it truly doesn't matter what ANYONE thinks - if I felt raped, then I felt raped and if that means our relationship has to end, then it has to end - and if that means there is something wrong with me, then so be it....I'll accept that.

bottom line is that if there is ONLY this issue, it may have been something I could have gotten past, but with everything else - it was just part of the bigger picture.

In my case, my husband is STILL saying he doesn't know what happened - which is a boldfaced lie (and if this is my husband posting - he admitted it here, but not to my face).....stand up and be a man, that'
s my take....once upon a time I had a BF that would do stuff like this - but he would own up to it and deal with the consequences....and I didn't care....he admitted his "mistake" and we got on with it.

this was not the case, and I wonder if it was the case for this poster.

October 28, 2009
2:35 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I realize that posters weren't responding to MY situation - don't think I am upset about that...please.

my only thing is that we don't know the GF's side of things - that perhaps there is more to their situation than he is telling us....just like me - I didn't react JUST to that situation - I reacted to a snowball effect that this was the end of .....

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