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How can I help myself and my girlfriend get past what I did to her?
October 23, 2009
5:09 pm
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A couple of nights ago, my girlfriend and I went to bed. I was feeling in the mood and I now know this is totally wrong but I inapporpriately touched her. I thought she would wake up but she just made a noise and rolled over. I panic and just fell asleep next to her.

The next morning she comfronted me about and I bottled up...I didn't know what to say? I lied and said I was sleeping and didn't know I did it but the truth is I knew. I wish I would have told her up front because I did not mean any harm, I was just seeing if this would spark anything.

She was very upset with what I did and I am disgusted in myself by the whole situation. I didn't realize how much that would hurt and her and if I could I would take it back in a heart-beat.

We have been dating almost two years now and we both love very deeply. It was just about two weeks ago that we decided to move in together next year and we have told each other that we can't imagine our lives without each other and talked about marrige.

I just need help in asking what I can do to build our trust again. She is a wonderful girl and I just hate myself now for what I did. The love we have is so special and I just hope that we can get through this together. I have told her I promise to NEVER EVER to this to her again. I have taken this as a huge lesson about being truthful and respectful with her.

Anything to help us would be appreciated! Thanks so much!

October 23, 2009
5:34 pm
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fantas
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I'm going to go on a limb here and say that I do not know what you mean inappropriately, but based on what you said I do not see what you did wrong. You tried to be intimate with her, she was unresponsive and it ended there. Is this all that happened? I think you do need to accept what you did instead and saying you didn't do anything.

Having said that, I do think it's a good thing you apologized to her and realized you were "wrong" by her. I think you should give her some space and let her come to terms with what happened if she is able to. Perhaps you can leave her and let her contact you when she is comfortable.

Also make sure she isn't emotionally manipulating you...It does happen.

October 23, 2009
5:49 pm
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Well what I mean by inapporpriate, is I was rubbing her leg and I went up her leg and touched her underwear.

I have taken measures to give her and myself some time and space to think and let her cool down from the anger she has right now. And as you said, wait for her to contact me when she is ready.

Another thing she told me is she is afraid to sleep in the same bed with me again over fear that this might happen again. I stressed to her that knowing now she doesn't appreciate that, it is something I will never do again. I don't know how much I can stress that, but it is something I seriously will not do again.

I know I should have asked her prior if this is something she would like, but I have crossed that line with her and feel like I broke our trust.

How would I know if she is emotionally manipulating me?

October 23, 2009
6:38 pm
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fantas
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I hope you get feedback from other women here, but I still do not see what was wrong with what you did. You guys have been dating and decided to even move in together, didn't you? The fact that she is unwilling to forgive you after apologizing, I feel you were sincere could be some form of power play. I think.

Were I in your shoes, after assessing my intentions and making sure that I intended no ill will, and apologizing profusely for my mistake, and she still gave me the cold shoulder, I would leave her alone until she decided she wanted to talk and even then, we would have to discuss how we will solve conflicts in the future. This whole silent treatment thing is quite immature and manipulative.

Keep posting. I'm sure others will chime in.

October 23, 2009
7:00 pm
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I hope to get women's comments from this is as well. Yes we have decided to move in together next year.

I agree with what you said and I am currently assesing which is to let her be and wait for her to come back to me and then we can talk about it some more.

This isn't the first time we have had a major fight and as in the past our love has prevailed and I hope it holds true with this situation.

Thanks for your comments and I am open to any more advice from anyone!

October 23, 2009
7:09 pm
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I don't see the problem. I used to wake up to a WHOLE lot more. I could either respond or not. I think her reaction is off the charts

Bitsy

October 23, 2009
7:34 pm
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You think she is over reacting? She said that what I did can be considered rape she feels used and dirty and that's what makes me feel the worst about this situation.

If you think your response would help? I would appreciate hearing it! If not that's fine...I understand

October 23, 2009
7:40 pm
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Just to add to that...she said the scariest part is if she didn't make a noise and roll over, how far would I have gone? I had no intentions to take it any further pending her reaction, I took that reaction as a no and just fell asleep.

October 23, 2009
7:47 pm
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StronginHim77
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RAPE? This woman has issues. What you did sounds perfectly normal to me. You were gentle...probed to see if she would respond...she didn't...end of story. She is actually fortunate to have a man who wants her physically.

No...you did nothing wrong. She needs some help. If you two have already had sex (and I am assuming you have) and you have slept together, what's her problem? It's quite normal for one partner or the other to try out the sleeping partner and see if he/she would like to rouse for a little "recreation."

Get her into counseling.

- Ma Strong

October 23, 2009
8:09 pm
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Personally I think your girlfriend has a screw loose. I would love for a man to wake me up wanting to make love.

Bitsy

October 23, 2009
8:27 pm
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Bitsy said what a normal woman would say. If you were a guy who constantly asks for sex than maybe I'd say that she should have said knock it off and go to sleep or satify yourself. Your girlfriend has problems and is not ready for marriage and dosen't either know how to set up rules or barriers in your relationship or she going for total control. Instead she is being the alpha and letting you know she is going to control your sex life with her instead of working out a compromise. Start looking for other signs of her controlling you and if you see them then you better submit to her or get out while you have a chance unless of course you like being led around by the nose. No offense but you need to think about this. Did she ever ask you for sex or iniate foreplay. Do you have to beg for it on her terms. Dosen't sound like a mutual relationship to me. If you two get married you will soon be intimate friends with yourself instead of with her.

October 23, 2009
8:33 pm
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chelonia mydas
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If all you did was touch her panties, then she needs counseling.

I would consider it rape if you had one of your body parts in any of her body parts, or maybe if you ejaculated on her or something to that extreme, but touching panties isn't rape.

If you have already been having sex (and I'm assuming that since you life together you probably have) it is perfectly normal for explorative touching, especially if the explorer backs off when the explored isn't intereted.

Just because you love her, doesn't mean she is "The One". She seems to have issues that need to be resolved.

October 23, 2009
8:36 pm
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I appreciate and thank everyone for their comments so far and welcome more feedback, but I think the truth is what I learned is my girlfriend just isn't into that sort of thing and as I have said before I won't do this to her again. I am just needing to be patient, give her some space, and wait for her to come around. When she is ready to talk again, I will re-address how I feel about the situation, explain to her this was a one-time "experiment", and I want to re-build our trust again.

I am only 20 years and I'm not stupid to see that losing her would be like flushing a million bucks down the drain. The past two and half years I have known her have been so special to me and I am excited for our future together. We have so much potential and I don't think I could live with myself for destroying that over something like this.

I know I made a mistake in her eyes and I want to make it right and make it up to her!

October 23, 2009
8:46 pm
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I don't know if this is necessary to bring into the conversation but I know that she has had a past with depression and does take medication for it. She seems self-conscience of herself sometimes, which is why I feel she "avoids sex" in a way or just doesn't have an interest if you know what I mean? She either has to be in the mood or not and sometimes it's hard for me to figure that out.

Sometimes I feel like I'm lead on and I make a mistake like this and it bites me in the face.

October 23, 2009
9:10 pm
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You did nothing wrong, from what you have said, what you did is pretty much the norm between couples.

You need to think about this, don't brush it off and say you won't do it again. More problems might arise because of not getting your sexul needs satisfied, and in the long run you might end up cheating or yearning for something else. Sexual problems can really hurt a relationship.

October 23, 2009
9:57 pm
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NeedHelp2009:

You are an empathetic person to want to understand and help your girlfriend.

From what you described, your girlfriend overreacted, but WHY she did so is the question.

Is your girlfriend a survivor of sexual abuse or rape? The statistics indicate 1 of 4 females are and her depression could be a symptom of abuse. Why she startled when you touched her could be explained by PTSD.

Here are some more symptoms of abuse. If they seem applicable, you may want to discuss it with her. But proceed cautiously. She may never have discussed the abuse with anyone and it is a terrifying issue for any survivor. She will need counseling.

Wishing you both well.

Psychological problems:

Fears, panic attacks, sleeping problems, nightmares, irritability, outbursts of anger and sudden shock reactions when being touched.

Little confidence, and self-respect and respect for one's own body may change.

Behavior that harms the body: addiction to alcohol and other substances, excessive work or sports, depression, self-destruction and prostitution.

Social problems:

Have little confidence in other people.

Fear of loss of control in relationships.

Sexual problem:

While making love problems often occur. The partner may be confused by a certain remark, touch or behavior that brings back memories of the abuse.

Patients sometimes don't want to make love at all anymore or make love less.

Sexual relation problems may occur, together whit pain while making love, not wanting to make love and problems in getting aroused. Problems with the orgasm and coming also occur.

October 23, 2009
10:13 pm
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I don't know for sure if she has been abused in the past, but I do know that her dad takes the same medication for depression. So her depression could be hereditary but I don't if that makes a difference? She really hasn't told me a lot about it and I have never thought to question it.

I do take all your concerns about helping her get counceling and it may be good for both of us to do. How would I then be able to approach her about this without making her upset or angry with me? What is the best approach?

October 23, 2009
10:52 pm
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In close, long term relationships there is an impklcit agreement that a person has right of access to their partner's body.

Basically you were making an invitation, which was refused, and you didn't go any farther.

October 23, 2009
10:57 pm
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If she gets offended by a suggestion that you seek counseling, you need to back off this girl. She is NOT the one.

All couples will reach various points where counseling could benefit their relationship. If she shuts down and chooses to become offended, she has some very serious issues. You need to think twice, before commiting your entire future to a woman with such a dysfunctional reaction to normal, sexual behavior.

- Ma Strong

October 24, 2009
11:33 am
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As a side note, antidepressants have many different side effects. You might want to sugggest that she check with her pharmacist, regarding the side effects of her current medication.

Not only can antidepressants contribute to weight gain, they can also depress/inhibit the patient's sex drive/libido.

- Ma

October 24, 2009
2:46 pm
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darkeyes
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hi.. your 20 what you did is normal, gee if you didnt want to touch her, then you might have a problem.. her reaction was strong so question that...rape does she know the meaning??...young man to want and need someone sexualy in a loving relationship is some of the greatest moments..you respected her when she turned away. why? can i ask didnt she say another time hunny and let it at that...

October 24, 2009
2:49 pm
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I gave her a couple of hotline numbers to call, one of which I called myself and talked to a lady. The lady told me she needed to call and then have face-to-face therapy. Which I agree as many of you have suggested.

But for some reason, I am still totaly bothered by the whole situation. I am getting close to the point where I want to talk to my mom about and call my pastor for help. What should I do?

October 24, 2009
2:54 pm
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No she didn't say anything after that, she just rolled over and I went to sleep. That's went I started to panic and the next morning as I mentioned is when it snow balled on me. I think what really threw her over the edge was when I intially lied about it and said I was sleeping and had no idea what was going on and she could tell I was lying.

She tells me that she feels like she has lost a lot in me and that scares me because I feel there is no hope for us anymore! I just feel absolutely terrible and helpless right now! Idk what to do?

October 24, 2009
3:01 pm
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ok you panicked, and fibed, embarrased big time, gee your human...what has she lost???if it was me id have teased you big time and let it go, ye are in a relationship???your only 20 loads of mistakes you'l make hun, until you get it right. go easy on yourself...

October 24, 2009
3:10 pm
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Thank you darkeyes! That's what I have been trying to get across to her is I know I made that regretful mistake.

She feels like she has lost a lot of trust and respect in me...she just sees me as a totaly different person now and I know I'm not! I'm trying to prove that!

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