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How can I get over him?
September 25, 2000
11:52 pm
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single mom again
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I have been involved with "j" for 3 years. I moved in with him from the beginning. We were in love, I guess. Six months into the relationship, I was pregnant. We had a lot of problems. He is very possessive and jealous. I cut myself off from my family, for he was my new family. We worked together and I was told if I was late one more day I would be fired. Four mins. late and that was it. Now I was counting on him for everything. He did something to my car so it would not statr and I could not leave. We had a bad fight and I moved to my grandfathers. Before I moved he was already dating Holly. Well I had a job and was pregnant and here he came again. He told me how much he loved me, always had and always will. I move back and he stills sees Holly. When that was over, things in my mind were good. We had a beautiful baby girl in Oct. 98. May of 99 I find out he spent the weekend with his ex wife visting from Florida. I leave with the baby on Monday to my moms.(I had my real family back.) I get my own place in Aug. and he has been dating Regina. Two weeks after moving in he starts all over again with how much I mean to him. We get back together Aug. 22 and he is gone again on Aug. 24. Back to Regina. Sept. I'm pregnant!(from Aug. 23rd) He wants to try again and of course I say yes. We argue more and we "take it easy" for a couple of weeks. On a Sat. he finally tells me all I NEED to hear. Sun morning Regina calls to say that he has been staying with her for the past couple of weeks. I go crazy. I packed his stuff and take it to his work. Regina shows up also to collect her house key. We had exchanged rings and he gave her the ring I gave him. Well he calls all day crying, beggging and telling me we'll get married. I do take him back. I felt like I needed him. When we go to get the marriage licence, of course he wants to wait till summer so we can have a big wedding. Things were good for us. In May 00 we have a beautiful baby boy. We had talked about my tubes being tied, since we had two kids and were going to be together forever. He was never home, no help with the kids. I asked him to leave. That was six weeks ago and today I found out his new girlfriend (of 5 weeks) and her 2 children have moved in to his house. My problem is he calls me every day. He tells me he hates me and I am nothing to him. So why does he call? If I never had to talk to him I would be ok, yet we have two children together. He is 24 and I am 29. He was abusive, physically and mentally. I know I am lucky so have him gone, however I need for him to stop calling me. How do I get over him like that? He says he calls to talk to the kids. They are 2 and 4 months. He never mentions them. His new girlfriend lost the same job I did, the same way. SHe is now living in the "home" I made. I'm not sure what I'm feeling about that. I guess, no I know I am very grateful that I have two Great children and that I am not with him.

September 26, 2000
6:40 pm
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Molly
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I hope you got your tubes tied, and I wish you stregnth in finding a good attourney, get sole custody of these kids, take pictures of the beatings,and any other evidence of his character, and if I were you, I would quit being a door mat, dust your self off, and get some good therapy. I hope your parents can help you, go see the DA, this guy is not a father he is a sperm dropper, and I would get the judgements in before the others. Please shake your head, and get angry at this evil man.

September 26, 2000
6:47 pm
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Molly
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I am sorry, I guess I am tired, I spent 2 hours today with a woman who was used as a punching bag, by her old man, she is pregnant with her 5th child, he has been in and out of jail, she has lost custody of her two oldest children because of him, he is a junky, tosses fits of rage, when she can't pay his bill, he doesn't work, and keeps her locked in the house most of the time while he goes about his business which is none of her business, she has no family here, and is dependent on the bus which is on strike, Buttttttttttt she loves him, and he is their father, all the 20 seconds it took him to dump his sperm, because, his girl friends are all pregnant too, the only thing I can hope for is that he gets busted and incarcerated again, for a long time. What makes
me so sad is that there are 3 girls for every one of these #%&*!!!! Now thats social work, for those who want to do it, and how and when women are going to start to make better choices, is starting to get to me. Not that I am perfect don't get me wrong, it is just so sad to watch what is happening, do your self a favor, and disconnect from the madness

September 26, 2000
6:58 pm
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single mom again
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Molly, I agree with every word you said. Yes I did get my tubes tied. I was a doormat. I AM Angry. I tried to tell his new girlfriend what she and her kids were getting into. I hate it fir her because no one could tell me anything either. I keep a journal of everyday and what he says and does. I wish I had told more people of the things he did to me. I turned into the person I thought I would never be. A woman thinking I needed a man to live. Not any more. A frien told me about this web site and she said it helped her get mad and away. Thanks

September 26, 2000
9:36 pm
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Molly
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I am so glad that you are mad, now protect your self and those babies. They need a mom who is emotionally stable, and with guys like that around it won't happen. It is going to be hard, very very hard, but you are the only one who can do it, and you can. One foot in front of the other, and one day at a time, you haven't even got the hormones back into normal like they ever are. (He He) I was there to, and am still walking on egg shells, I swore a man would never hit me, then it happened , and then all the mental games that go with it. There are so many women who just toss in the towel, and lady, I sure don't want to see you in my clinic. Just think that the woman deserves what she gets. Sad but true, some of us learn our lessons faster than others, and if you read these threads, there are more women in these situations, than not, and we are all working together. In fact I am thinking that this job is so sucky, not that I do not enjoy my work, but so much of it is the same person, day after day year after year , with the same habit, same man, same s*** it would be different maybe if there were new faces, but those new faces are the children of the clients that we treated. I want my own practice, a place for women to go, and talk, network, learn and share, some where other than the mall , a place where we can go get out of the house, with child care, and become financially savey, emotionally strong, and maybe a bargin, like co op buying???? Do allot of reading, do allot of exercise, and do for you, can you get full custody, and like ditch this guy, the kids don't need his kind of influence, don't you think. If he calls they are asleep, and get court ordered custody arrangements, and suck up all this butthead's money, ok, nothing hurts like his pay being sucked from his wallet, but let some one else do the sucking for you, I am tired, He he. Take good care of your self, just one of the girls

September 26, 2000
11:58 pm
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single mom again
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I am working on the child support now. He does pay me 300.00 a month however with his pay rate he should pay 534.00 a month. The system here for Child support is so slow. I had to email the main office just to get an application. Anyway, I am now in the system and it will be November before I can get an appointment. Won't he be mad. OH well. The "lets be friendly" never works. That makes it sad. I do feel for my daughter. She is turning two next week and she does on occasion ask about her daddy. How am I to respond to her? He will call everyday and make a new time and day to see her and the baby but then always has to cancel. My father did that to me when I was 6 or so and up into my teens and I remember it. He always has an excuse for not coming. If I had my way we would never see him again. I am so scared about going to court for custody in fear that I may not get what I want. Meaning I enjoy full custody of them now(w/o papers) and I would go ape s*** if He were to get any time to keep them. Like overnights or weekends. He asked me the other day if his parents could keep my little girl one night and I said NO. They have not bothered to spend time with her before unless I went to their house, so why now? I have spoken to 3 different lawyers and two have said the same about the possibility of him getting them just for visitation. He tells me that he will not pay child support unless he gets to play with them. I can find them playmates. They could use a father. He can play with his new girlfriends children he that all he needs. I wish I had not titled my thread about getting over him. He is a loser and I am over myself believing I need him. I am just grateful that I have my babies and myself.

September 27, 2000
6:34 pm
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Molly
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Can you document stuff that is legally unfit? Think about what you said they need a father, but is he? He will do what he can to make your life miserable through the kids, so just get your armour on, and do war. document everything, phone calls, missed visits, the lack of bonding to date, the lack of signifigance in their life, the drama that is created by him, as well as the emotional damage, at their age, hard to prove, but document the current track record, and future promises broken to demonstrate, that he creates instability, vs contrubition to their well being. And damn it exagerate.within reason. If he is one second late with support, call the DA, copy the payments, prove he is late, and your hard ship, facts are irrelavent. Can you tape his phone calls, or messages take it to court, it may not be admissable, but you will get to prove your point before they say that they can't use it, know what I mean? I had a secretary once that went to war, and I asked her if the child support was really worth it, is it??????? Let him skate on the money for your childs well being, no games that will get worse, no worry for what he will expose them to, no more war either, just a thought. No play no pay, well gee that shows what a father he is eh? Surprise him, and tell him to take the money and ...................................

September 27, 2000
10:56 pm
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I type up everyday, the phone calls, no $, missed visits and all the empty promises he has made. I packed his stuuf for him to leave on Aug. 14th and since then I have 6 typed pages of what he does eveyday. A lawyer told me to be sure and do that. It is not a document that is "legal" to really use, yet he will not have anything to prove different. About the money, I could probably make it some way without it, however why should he get off without paying. I do however see your point. He was supposed to come yesterday and cancelled. Said he would come by tomorrow(thur) since it was his day off. He usually cancels because he rather see his girlfriend. I called it like I saw it and told him that he rather get his d**k wet than see his kids. He called me rude. Oh well. No he is not a father. He cleary had a great deal of growing up to do. And what really ticks me off is his family. They claim to love the kids so much but will not stand up to their son/brother and tell him what an a** he is. I know we all like to stand up for our family, but if they are in the wrong I let my family member know it. I don't stand behind them when I do not feel it is right. Maybe that is the key and they are all backwards and do not see the wrong he does. I used to keep his messages on the machine but for some reason I did erase them. How do you tape phone calls?

September 29, 2000
12:25 am
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hollyb
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I have read all this thread and I totally agree with the advice molly has given you, single mom. i know someone who was in a similar situation who was told to keep detailed records of everything, because it WAS admissable in court. She has full custody now, but has to allow visitation and visits to the father on occasion. the good thing is that the older the kids get, the easier it is to let them see him since they can TALK. as long as she communicates with her daughter openly and honestly about her dad (without hurting her feelings, of course), the more she can trust that anything that happens or any situation that is less than ideal will be reported to her immediately. so, i guess i'm saying that the dad never goes away, but things can get better even if you want to rip his throat out! you just have to accept that he is a part of their lives, however scummy a part, and that they will be able to choose, eventually, whether to be close to him or not. when they are little they can't, but they will, and he will know that and either treat them right or lose them.
as for feeling dependent on men, i hope you mean that about being over him for good. they are very psychologically addictive but once you allow yourself to "wake up" from the state of total oblivion that most of us were brought up in (high school, boys, looks, popularity, sex, anything to be accepted, etc) it is pretty easy to see that you DON'T need men for much of anything! if you are strong and can support yourself and your kids, they are nothing more than entertainment for you when you need it. but don't hang everything on them, or give up things (jobs, family, friends, etc.) for them, because if you look closer you will see that they are not giving up much, if anything, for you. we women are always the ones making changes, compromises and trying to BE what they want at the time. but after time passes, they take us for granted and begin expecting certain things without giving anything to us. we don't need that. my husband is great, but he has had his moments. i just say, if he finds someone he thinks is better than me, more power to him, and HIS LOSS. he is the one that needs me, even if that is unspoken. i am the best thing that has ever happened to him, not bragging, just stating the simple truth now that i can see it! there are so many books i can recommend to you too if you have time for reading. let me know. best of luck, and hang in there. you are all you need.
holly (a different one!)

September 29, 2000
2:59 pm
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single mom again
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Thanks Holly. I do read at night after the kids are in the bed and the house is cleaned. I sat up untill 1 or 2 just to have "my" time. He came over today to bring $. He had his girlfriend and her daughter with him. I let him take our daughter with them to the park and for lunch. I was torn on what to do. My first reation was NO. But C.(my daughter) had been asking about her dada this morning for some reason. I feel, like you said, I need to let her make her own decisions when she is older. I ran some errands while they were gone and just happened (really, I never meant to) to go by the park they were at. I saw him taking C up the slide. I was mad and glad. MAD- When we were together, he would not go to the park. He said it was not his thing. GLAD- He was finally spending some time with her. I was seeing the good side of him and started to remember how things were for us in the beginning. All the beginnings are good it seems. I called a friend and asked her to please remind me how much I can't stand him. She was glad to remind me. I do find it hard still to see him and I guess see him with her and her kids being a "family". Why do I care?? You are right about men. What do we need them for? I don't want to have an anti-men attitude forever though. Well maybe I do. For some reason I still feel sorry for him when it comes to certain things. Today he spoke to J.(our son 4 1/2 months) and he screamed. The scared cry and when he picked him up it did not help. He did not settle down until I had him. I know that he does not know him because he has not been around and that is HIS fault. So why do I feel bad for him. All the things he had done to me and I feel bad. When will all the feelings go away?

September 29, 2000
5:58 pm
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Molly
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You feel bad for him because a) you are a decent person, and b) you once loved him, the taping of the phone calls, well get one of those machines the old ones, and when the recording goes buzz, and he starts to answer pick up, don't turn off the machine, the entire conversation will go on tape, I know because my ex did this to me, and it was after the tape was played in court, the judge said it is not admissable, but he got to make his point, which was mute. Gosh what do we need them for and if you can make it with out him, good ridance, who needs the 18 years of explaining why he is such an a**. He didn't go to the park before because of you, its a game to most of the men, they know how we are with the kids. They know the buttons......

September 30, 2000
1:12 am
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single mom again
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Molly, I am not sure what you mean when you say he did not go to the park because of me. I do know why he is going with her. She called me and asked me about him. I tried to warn her. Not just for her, but for her kids. Their father killed himself 8 months ago and they will get hurt by him. They do not need that. He is trying to show her he is not what I said. Of course she told him everything I said. I do hope it is in the back of her mind at all times. Her ex was abusive and tried to kill her. Why do we women go from one abuser to another? If he did it to me, will he not do it to her sooner or later. His dad, the preacher, did it to his mom. I meet her and she is so sweet and has been through a lot. I wish she had listened and not moved in with him. He told her that I lied about everything and the reason I did was because I am jealous. I am embarassed to say this, but yes I guess in a way a part of me is jealous for the part of him she sees now. The part I fell in love with. I never want to see the other side and unfortunely, it follows. How long does it take to stop feeling this way? I am fine untill I see him and when I do, I cry on and off all day. Calgon, Take me away!!

October 2, 2000
6:59 pm
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Molly
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We need a great big tub. Maybe Calgon would sponsor this?
He didn't want to go to the park because you wanted him too. that is it, the game for you was over and he was in another ball park. Hers. She will learn her lesson when she is ready, DUH, like I could have told you different? When I was having a hard time with my ex before I left, I talked to this other reformed womanizer, a counselor at the clinic I worked at, he said women are like ballons, you fill them with hot air, ( the requests, then pop) they know what we want and these guys have their agenda and will only go so far, then pop. This other counselor and I became good friends, we talked allot. A new kid was added to the team,and I used to eavesdrop on his conversations all the time, he was a major player!!!!!! His office next to mine paper thin walls, he was caught at a diner one night, and his girlfriend called him on it, he said what were you doing out at that time of night what kind of mother are you, she needed milk, and passed by the diner and saw his car, he said well you better fax me the reciept, and milk as well as the time better be on the reicept. She did it. So my friend says to me why do you talk to this a** hole, I said because he sounds like my spouse, and I am learning, I shared the story. My friend who also worked at a 1/2 way house for felons started to listen too. he came to work 2 weeks later, complaining because he couldn't get a date, and these guys he worked for, and with had these beautiful babes picking them up and paying their bills, he got it after a few phone conversations how these guys even from prison controlled the women, and so there are 10 weak women for every strong one, it just takes time, and we are so easy. Is the little money you might get worth your sanity????????

October 3, 2000
11:18 pm
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single mom again
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Well, things are better than they were. He is paying and actually spending some time with the kids. He is planning our daughters b-day party for his family. I am having my own with my family. I am hoping we can be civil to each other, we have been lately, and him to start being a father. I am so much stronger now. I know that if he were to come to me and say he wants me back, I can honestly say, I can and will say NO, with no regrets. It feels great to be getting my life and freedom back.

October 15, 2000
12:01 am
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update please???? what has been happening since october got here? i have been busy but thinking about you, single mom, alot. i feel very strongly about your not letting "j" back into your life. i feel that many of us girls, as 10-12 year-olds and teenagers, were taught that boys were everything, and to do anything (including sneaking out at night to hang out with them, risking HELL from our parents - which we did get once in a while) to make them happy. we didn't know any better, and nobody really told us in a way that we could understand at the time. i know my dad said "you're going to ruin your life", but then i just went out again and risked it all for some cutie from down the mountain. i think those years made us unable to see our own value and worth. we had to be with the cutest one to have any self esteem, and went from one to the next without regard for how they treated us. i know i did that and ended up with lots of real losers, although i was also a loser for being with them. i deeply regret the "blindness" that controlled me from before my freshman year of high school until after my first year of marriage. i don't know if anyone could have told me, i had to see it for myself, that i am the one THEY should have been fighting for, i am the one to be pursued. now it's too late, i am married to a man who may or may not appreciate me, but why should he? i threw myself at him like i always have, made myself out to be something i wasn't, and changed my life and my habits to suit him. looking back i should have stayed single, but now i have to try to make it work. by now you, single mom of two very cute kids, probably have some idea of who holly is, but let's keep it off this board if you don't mind. our paths diverged in high school, but now i think we have more in common than we ever thought we could. call me.

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