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How best to handle a control freak who withholds finances and sex? (StrongInHim77)
April 13, 2007
7:19 am
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alycia
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I haven't posted much lately but i must admit i check in often on this thread as well as some others but always this one.

I always check in to see the latest and if there is any progress happening, meaning ... have you left yet?

I remember you said you will leave tuesday, i am sure ya said that and today is fri night here in australia...

As i read i know how sad you must be but for your stuff to be slowly going back and the fact you have your sons in your house, etc ... I see then you have reached the acceptance stage.

I dont quite understand why you keep putting it off and why you are waiting to leave? Are you waiting for a huge change? I am so sorry for whats happened to you, there wont be any change.

I wanna cry when i read what he does and how he treats you and how u still stay, i dont even know you.. i have never met you but i really feel so sad for you cause his treatment is appalling and then you go lay down next to him in bed...and continue to keep doing so when he horribly just walks out on you when he knows u are there.

I am so sorry you met a man like this, i miss the lady i met a while ago who was hurting so much but gee she was so strong and forthright, noone stepped on her and she didnt even like anyone stepping on other posters, it really fired her up and her advice to them was amazing.

Come back strong, alot of us are noticing the change with you....

I pray you find the strength to go back to where you will be loved amongst your friends, sons and neighbours and can one day sit here like me thanking the lord above you no longer have to put up with rubbish.

I am following your journey and i cant wait till you are on the road to freedom, a big hug to you

April 13, 2007
7:55 am
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taj64
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When I broke up with my ex there was no going back. I did it immediately and changed the locks on the door. He did not put up a fight. I gave him many chances before to change how he was. It was not a matter of planning, I just did it without any emotion. No he was not physically or mentally abusive. But he was into drugs and alchohol. It was hard decision but I did it even though there was a part of me that did not want to go through it. Everyone has to do their own thing at their own pace. Maybe you do need "one more sign" but he won't change Strong. He won't. He was like this long before you came along and even if he changes, it will not be a dramatic change enough to be the guy you really do deserve. They would only be very small changes, enough to keep you hanging on a bit longer. I see how he treats you and I know he won't change. And I be very careful since you are disabled. I think he takes advantage even more because he knows he can. How will you fight back?

Value yourself, value how others treat you. Don't sleep in a bed with a man who treats you badly. Why should you suffer this way? I don't buy this idea to sleep with him to see if anything happens. You already know how he is. It is very deceiving to sleep and cuddle with a man who might be nice to you in bed and then treat you like crap out of bed. Don't go there. It won't change if he is nicer to you in bed.

I know of your decision to get out, looks like it is firm, and you do need to get out. But don't wait until the big blow out that is inevitable. Value yourself and prevent this.

I hate to see you lose all this by planning to leave when sometimes you just need to get the heck out of there immediately before any damage is done to you. He might be damaged goods for sure, but please take care so that you don't end up very hurt.

You are wonderful lady, give the most profound advice to broken hearted women who live with abusive men. Please listen and follow through with what you would tell your friend to do in a case like this.

Good luck to you Strong and hugs from me also.

April 15, 2007
3:09 pm
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StronginHim77
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This is hard, but I want all of you to know what has been happening. Since meeting with the psychologist (who ordered us to share the master bed), things have gotten much worse. I think Gracenotes was right: the doctor is trying to bring things to a head and force the issue.

J cracked this week. He simply could NOT handle me slipping into that bed with him. Complained, raged, left the room...on subsequent nights, he simply went to bed in silence and closed his door. I tried joining him ONE time...and got a one-hour lecture the next day on how I was disturbing his sleep.

I will type here exactly what he said to me this morning:

"I [J] am not going to hug, touch affectionately, speak kindly to or have sexual contact with you, my wife, until your sleeping habits change, so that you go to sleep when I do. If you come to the bed later, I cannot give a specific time which would not be disturbing or offensive to me. I need to get my sleep and I need to sleep with YOU. Also, the way you settle (place) your pillow on the bed is disruptive because of the manner in which you do it and the time of night that you do it."

There you have it, my friends. He is returning to his original issue that began all the trouble between us, right after we got married: that I could not go to sleep in a quiet, TV-less, darkened room at 8:30-9:00 at night with him every day. My body clock is simply different. A minister, a therapist and a psychologist have now worked with him, trying to get him to understand that a married couple frequently has differing body clocks, but he perceives my inability to go to sleep that early without some restful reading or relaxing move-watching (on a silent, portable DVD player, using headphones which I am on the other side of the house) as some sort of rebellion against his iron control. And he is refusing to bend.

Today, he marched me into the bedroom and gave me an exagerated demonstration of how I -- presumably -- slam and rearrange my pillow noisily on his bed. He is lying. I tiptoe into his room, petrified of disturbing him and slide into bed in absolute silence, quietly sliding the pillow into the bed with me. I do this as gently and "invisibly" as I possibly can.

It wouldn't matter WHAT I do...this is all about control and abuse. If I do nothing wrong, he will LIE to find something to blame me for because he is projecting his OWN misery onto me.

I won't be here much longer. Please be patient with me. I am so depressed and need to gather my strength, my courage and my faith to move on. I can do it with HP's help. I just need to "get it together." I will. Please don't give up on me. I see the change in myself and I don't like it, either. I am deeply ashamed of it. I want to stand strong and hold my head high, walking in the truth. This man would have me walk two paces behind him, head bowed by shame and condemnation.

Please pray for me. I need to gather my strength. Please believe that I am not nursing false hope, nor am I blind to this abuse. I see it clearly and know what I must do.

- Ma

April 15, 2007
3:48 pm
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readyforachange
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(((Strong))) I am praying for you, honey. I am having a very hard time with things myself lately, so I wish I could offer you more wisdom. Just know I'm thinking of you. Take care of yourself...

April 15, 2007
4:54 pm
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(((Strong)))

Will agnostic prayers do?? I will send my request to the universe that the energy will come to you to buoy you up and get you out of there as intact as possible.

I'm sorry that your "husband" (doesn't seem right not to put it in quotes) has turned out to be such a deeply damaged person who is incapable of any flexibility at all.

No one could say you haven't tried; but you can only do what you can do. I will pray for your safe deliverance.

love, kroika

April 15, 2007
5:52 pm
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healintime
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Lovely Ma,

Please don't be ashamed - you are not the problem. I hope that you remember there are also quite a few of us on these boards who have stayed in a toxic, abusive, or disrespectful relationship when it's past its expiry date. And yes, you have had zero tolerance for it in the past - but it's different when it's happening to you. Emotionally abusive men are like kryptonite - somehow being near them zaps the ability some of us would have under "normal" circumstances to kick them to the kerb.

If this situation has triggered old baggage, has recycled a pattern, or has touched an old wound, then it makes sense that it has been incapacitating.

I think that any psychologist who is trying to bring an abusive, controlling man's behavior "to a head" is pretty frightening. Any therapist who specializes in abuse and deals with either victims, or abusers on a regular basis will tell you that change is rare and has to start with the abuser being aware that his behavior is abusive. Odds are not good that he's going to change. The odds are that he will snap, rage, or hurt you, if he feels that he's being challenged are much better.

Ma, this situation is not going to get better. And you do not need the permission of a "a minister, a therapist and a psychologist" to take care of yourself. Please read that again - you do not need anyone's permission, sign-off, or blessing to put an end to this hellish situation. And the longer you wait to gather your strength, the less strenght you will have. You are not the problem - but only you hold the solution and that solution is getting in the car, and getting yourself out of there. Staying with him is going to erode your self-respect, your dignity and your energy. Leaving will put you back in charge of your own life - your health, your safety, your well-being, your sanity - and you don't need for things to "come to a head" to wak out that door. You don't need to put up with another minute of this. You know better than anyone taht his behavior has gotten worse because he has been called on it. It's going to get worse still.

Only you can decide that you're ready, and worth it - but you need no-one's permission to take care of yourself - especially not his. You have no need whatsoever to feel ashamed, and this must be excruciating. I feel for you - and I stayed a long time in a relationship where I had far fewer legal and financial ties to a partner who ripped me to shreds, and left me in a puddle. I understand the feeling that you're stuck and that you have to be "ready" to leave. I'm just concerned that the longer you stay, the less - not more, ready you'll be. You can be ready this minute - you just need to feel (and I hope that you do) that you're worth walking out that door.

I'm sending thoughts and prayers your way.

April 15, 2007
6:45 pm
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doubleloss
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Dearest Ma,
I am very worried about you as each post is getting "lower" in how you sound, it's like if your battery is fading. I echo Healing's thoughts on this one. What's the point of waiting? you know better that anyone that this situation is not going to change w "J" The quicker you put a deifinte stop to it the easier (just for lack of another word) that you will recover from yet another heartbreak. And we all know that is not easy task.

And please don't feel embarassed at all, though I know why you say that. That seems to be a great deal of my own feelings when I come to post here, where I can just speak freely of how I'm feeling , really feeling.

You are always in my prayers and thoughts and I will keep it that way. You're a very smart, strong woman. All you want is to love and be loved, and that my freind you will get eventually, so I hope you get out as soon as you are able and in the meantime keep safe.

Much love. Double

Healing. Hi !! how are you? how are things w/ the family? feelinb better? work? dates? friends?? hope to hear from you soon. love double

April 15, 2007
8:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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God, how I love all of you. Will never lay eyes on any of you in this life, but how dear you are to me. And yes, Kroika, I am sure an "agnostic's" prayers are honored. All of you are being to clear, so kind, so affirming and so direct. Thank you for helping me to hold onto the Truth and find the acceptance and strength to take back the remote (quoting my precious Double on that one...always loved that expression).

My battery is fading...what a powerful analogy. Thanks, Double. I must not let it fade. I must stay strong.

And you are right, Healin...I don't need anyone's "permission" to leave this mess. I know exactly what he is and what my prospects are. And I am free to act on that knowledge. To the dickens with anyone who judges me for leaving.

Thanks...all of you. I am gathering strength. Please keep talking. I am listening and soaking up your words.

Love,

Ma

April 16, 2007
7:13 am
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alycia
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You are in my thoughts when the evening comes and when i turn onto this site strong, i think there is one lady in the us or canada, sorry not sure which.... who is sleeping right now and is in a room on her own at the back of the house dealing with so much basically.

I wonder about how your day was, if you were happy, if you are out, if you are getting stronger... (amazing what can come from turning on a computer and seeing this site again.)

'The straw that broke the camels back, dont know if thats a worldwide saying or an aussie saying but when that happens, then thats when u will go... it will be all too much one day, it will go too far... something will happen which will be the straw that broke the camels back...

I have read so many stories on this site since my ex left, some of these guys i have read about made him seem like an angel, funny hey... Then i read about your man ...

Well what can i say strong... maybe i should go running back to the arms of mine hey, (trying to add a touch of humour)... or maybe you should go running into his arms, its a step up i tell ya...

You may be sitting up now and then waiting for him to come home at 5am or so but he'll treat you nice when he is there lol.

Just wanted to say hi and hang in there, i pray you find the strength you need to run like the wind, big hugs extended your way....

April 16, 2007
11:25 am
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gracenotes
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Strong,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. When is the next session with the psychologist? And, no, you don't need anyone "authority's" permission to leave him.

Do you remember all the posts on the No Contact thread many months ago about n's? I am just going to post this for you. Something to thing about. These words have been so valuable to me, words cannot express how valuable these words have been...

"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."

April 16, 2007
6:25 pm
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nappy
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I'm just wondering what happen to the strong woman that I knew when I first came here on this site.

What happen?

You have given some very strong and good advice here on this board and I just don't understand why you are letting this man do you like this.
Is it because you feel that you can't get anybody else?
I just can't see you following up behind this man for his love. You getting in the bed with him and he is still mean as a snake.

It is not when you a ready to leave, you already knew that this was coming because of your first thread back when you said that now he is telling you when to go to bed. He don't want your son or sons over to the house.

You are running up behind a man that clearly has some problems and you can't fix them because he is to old to be acting like that. I wouldn't be running into his bed because someone said to do it. I would be running out of the door as fast as I can, leaving smoke trail behind me.

I don't know. I was just wondering what happen to the lady that was called (Stronginhim)
Nappy

April 16, 2007
6:47 pm
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on my way
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You are standing strong and walking in truth...otherwise you would not have been able to do what you have had to do. And, you are only human. You are doing the best you can with what you know, and no one can really ask anymore of you than that. I am sorry for the pain and disappoinment you may be feeling. You know Ma, when you described how he showed you about the pillow, a smile came to my face....I know it was painful, but it would have made me laugh, was it funny even a little bit? I mean what kind of person takes time out of their day to show another how they get in bed??? 🙂

BIG HUGS.

April 16, 2007
6:47 pm
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Hi Ma,

I'm not going to rag on you. I've said it before, when the time is right in YOUR mind and life, then you will do what must be done and not before.

It must be very hard from someone with such strong faith and convictions to watch this unwind and spin out, sideways.

You'll know when it's right. I'm no longer too concerned about violence from him. He's a big p*(@%y. You just gather your strength for when you are ready. You've not heard the last of this, even as you look in the rearview mirror of your car at his house.

H-gal

P.S. This therapist is highly suspect to me, too.

April 16, 2007
7:49 pm
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Zinnie
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Here is an analogy for you... of course you can take it or leave it. But...

Once there was a flood that was so bad that it drove then entire town out of their homes. Many people were stranded on their roof's waiting for help to come along. Among them was a man who was a devout Christian.

His neighbors came by in an inflatable raft and yelled out to him "Jump in, we have room for one more!" He replied "no, that is O.K., I am a Christian and I am praying with all my might and waiting for the Lord to deliver me from this plight!" After trying for several minutes with no success, his neighbors went on and let someone else take his spot.

The day turned into night and still the rains came.

An Army Reserve unit came by in a rescue boat and yelled out to him "Jump in, we have room for one more!" He replied "no, that is O.K., I am a Christian and I am praying with all my might and waiting for the Lord to deliver me from this plight!" After trying for several minutes with no success, the Reservists went on and let someone else take his spot.

The day turned into night and still the rains came.

The next day, the National Guard flew overhead and lowered a rope ladder "Climb on up, we have room for one more!" He replied "no, that is O.K., I am a Christian and I am praying with all my might and waiting for the Lord to deliver me from this plight!" After trying for several minutes with no success, the Guardsman went on and let someone else take his spot.

Sadly, the next night the man died.

When he got to Heaven he asked The Lord "why did you abandon me? I prayed and prayed and lived my life as I should, yet I still died. Why?"

God replied "well, I sent you a raft, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want me to do?"

You son and his friends have moved back into your house and are paying you rent. They have told you that you can return at any time. It seems that is the solution. Your HP has provided you with the way out. Short of your HP showing up with a moving van, what more can be done?

Move out before this man erupts in a rage and hurts you.

Z.

April 17, 2007
12:34 am
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southgoingzax
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Hi Ma,

I missed you. Sorry to be away when you have needed support so badly. Listen, dear, I know that you know what you need to do. I know that it's hard. I know you WILL do it when you are ready. That's okay. But I hope you'll be ready soon. This man you have married is incredibly warped - he will not turn himself around, not even if your therapist stood over the bed and made him welcome you into it. Take some deep breaths and try to get some momentum going - I am betting you will feel 1000% better once you get out of there.

Stay strong,

zax

April 17, 2007
7:57 am
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reachingout
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Zinnie,

Just one word for this one.

......PERFECT.......

April 17, 2007
3:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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Zinnie...

That's really good. Thank you. All of your words of encouragement are giving me strength.

Love,

Ma

April 17, 2007
4:03 pm
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Honolulugal
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Go, Ma, go!

April 18, 2007
8:47 am
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StronginHim77
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I moved back to my house lastnight. I feel exhausted, but I did it. Still have to go back (with my sons) for the remainder of my clothes & books and have movers get my furniture from the sitting room. But I will do it.

Exhausted...

Ma

April 18, 2007
9:09 am
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feelingfree
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Let me be the first to congratulate you!!!

I'm sorry I haven't posted.. but I have been following your thread very closely. Felt there was nothing more I could say then everyone else here did. I was praying you would leave and knew you would do it in your own time.

I'm sorry you've been thru such a hellish time. I'm thankful your safe and sound. I hope you get some much needed rest and take care of yourself.. putting you first again.

Lots of Luv
(((Ma Strong)))

April 18, 2007
9:34 am
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bevdee
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Ahhh

(((Miss Strong)))

Good for you! It may not feel like it right now, but what you did is good for you!

April 18, 2007
9:41 am
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Ma, I am so proud of you. It must have taken an awful lot to make that step and I bet you feel like the stuffing has been knocked out of you.

I hope that you get some good respite over the coming days and that being in your own space gives you some sweet relief.

Hugs and prayers your way,

H x

April 18, 2007
10:21 am
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Shaney
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Good for you Strong! And as usual, you're living up to your name. No one can judge or blame you for what has happened here. You made the right choice, and now you can count on everyone being here to hold you up as you heal from this. Love and hugs to you - Shaney

(((Strong)))

April 18, 2007
10:36 am
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reachingout
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CONGRATS

I have read your post for a long time and knew you were a very strong person that doesn't mean you don't hurt like everyone else.But you got so much LOVE coming your way stay strong and may you really find true happiness.My thoughts are with you

April 18, 2007
10:58 am
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Applause!

Ma I knew you could do it. I am so sorry things turned out like this but I am also so proud of you for the great woman that you are.

This man was just a horrible blip in your yet to be terrific life.

((((Ma))))

SD

P.S. Awesome post, Z.

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