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How best to handle a control freak who withholds finances and sex? (StrongInHim77)
April 7, 2007
2:17 am
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mamacinnamon
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Way to go MA, now cover your butt also. Don't leave any room for any crap from him. I'm proud of you.

April 7, 2007
6:39 am
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healintime
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Hi Ma,

That is -phenomenal- news - I hope that the transition is as smooth as it can be and that you're safe with your boys. Safe, period. I am so, so sorry that you were put through this and I hope that being back in your own space will give you respite. Easter is a time for new beginnings and I hope that this marks the start of a much easier chapter. You're due.

Sending some prayers and good vibes your way,

H x

April 7, 2007
7:46 am
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May you find peace again in your life. It is encouraging for others to see your strength. Good luck.

April 7, 2007
4:23 pm
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StronginHim77
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Just to clarify:

I moved all my living room furniture, linens, area rugs, etc. back to my old house where my sons now live. I still have my daybed, TV/armoire and dresser here in my back bedroom at the husband's house. I have not formally left him.

We have a counseling session Monday evening with a doctor (psychologist) who knows me well and has ZERO tolerance for the sort of spousal abuse and control that my husband has been dishing out. My husband is INSISTANT that we attend this meeting. I know this doctor well. He will pull no punches and NAIL my husband on the first session.

I have taken steps and am fully prepared to move out of this house on Tuesday or Wednesday, while he is at work. Most of my things are gone. ALl that's left are clothing, kitchen items and my sitting room furniture. I can definitely pack and be out in one day flat. I will start quietly removing my clothes on Monday and taking them back to my old house.

My sons have rallied around me. They told me not to worry...they will cover my mortgage and utilities. My house will NOT be foreclosed.

The husband has also demanded a meeting with my urologist, as he does not believe that I am truly disabled and unable to hold a regular job, even a part time job. My urologist has treated me for nearly 8 years, is highly understanding of my condition and physical limitations, testified at my disability hearing with Social Security and will completely and totally back my husband down. So, I will set up that appt., too.

I think I am doing this to vindicate myself in a way. He will have TWO doctors telling him that he is wrong about his misjudgments and persecution of me. That will give me some closure before I move out. But I will be moving out soon. I long for the peace and personal freedom of my home.

My husband met with me this morning, (I kid you not - ordered me to take notes and handed me a pen & paper, as he said, "I will only say these things to you once, so get it right the first time. I will not repeat myself.") He then proceeded to tell me that he didn't need me before me met me and he doesn't need me now. Period. (He repeated this several times.)

Then, he said all the noise I make in the house has taken away his peace...that he is no longer able to sleep well or rest in his home because of my presence here. I asked him specifically what noise I was making (since I now sleep on the other side of the house and don't even flush the toilet during his sleeping hours). He responded that my going to the refrigerator, etc. wakes him.

He continued with more cruel and hurtful things. Bottom line: this is a very sick, antisocial man. He has added that I will NOT be permitted to put a small, window A/C unit in my sitting room (we live in S. Florida and he keeps the house at 80...a heat level which makes me feel very ill). And added that he would never DREAM of asking someone he was visiting to change their thermostat to suit HIS comfort.

EEE gad...does he not realize that I am his wife? I have asked him before, and I still do not understand, why a man this antisocial and obviously loathing human contact would MARRY?

I know that he deeply regrets marrrying me and is trying to force me to leave. My health is taking a pounding because my soul is deeply weighed down by his abuse and cruelty. So, he will get his wish. IT IS A QUESTION OF WHEN.

My thanks to you all. Can't tell you how much I need and appreciate your support.

Love,

Ma Strong

P.S. I realize that he is raging at me today because I had the guts to move out my furniture. It has scared him. He feels he is losing control over me and that has pushed him into rage and panic. He spent the entire afternoon on his hands and knees, scrubbing out every, single mark on his hands & knees on 100's of floor tiles with cleanser & a rag. This is classic OCD behavior. He is frantically trying to exert his "control," by making his house immaculate. Reminds me of Joan Crawford's biographical movie, "Mommie Dearest."

April 7, 2007
7:05 pm
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Anonymous
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(((Ma Strong))) Keep strong!

April 7, 2007
8:31 pm
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Praise
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Dear Ma,
I'm a new member of this site and your thread caught my attention. I'm sure you know this, but just in case you may not, I'd like to mention that this kind of man marrys just to have someone to control!
I hope you haven't taken any of the cruel things he has said to you as real. Sometimes words hurt more than anything. But I want to encourage you to use positive affirmations about who you really are! Not what a obviously psychotic man has to say. After all if he needs to control others then he is not in control of himself!! This is one of the ways mentally ill people with a large lack of self-esteem try to exercise and prove that they are O.K. to the rest of the world and themselves. This is a deep deception of reality.
Please use every percaution to keep safe. notify your neighbors to keep an eye on your home. Change locks and try to get a security alarm.
Any thing you can think of to be safe. At least for a while. Find peacefull things to do and do not fear, just be wise! It is the storm with in which endangers us, not the storm with out.

Praise

April 8, 2007
4:22 pm
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StronginHim77
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Sin & Praise...

My thanks...and I gratefully receive your wisdom and your encouragement.

- Ma

April 8, 2007
6:04 pm
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tooscared
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I'm praying for you too Ma Strong. I can't even begin to imagine what this man has been putting you through - not only emotionally, but physically too. He has serious mental problems and the sooner you can get away from him the better. I am so glad your sons have rallied around you as you need their support right now. I pray your church will also rally behind you, but it seems like religion versus true Christian love seems to prevail at times. Hang in there and stay "strong".

Love, TS

April 9, 2007
8:48 am
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nmlp
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Leave him and have no further contact with him. My ex did the same thing. It took m a very long time to understand that it was a situation that will NEVER change, not by him. They (any abuser) is just not capeable of change, LEAVE HIM!

April 9, 2007
8:57 am
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bevdee
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(((Strong)))

I've been following your progress and I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and sending out warm thoughts and trying to will my positive energy out to you for a quick resolution to this awful situation.

(((Strong)))

April 9, 2007
9:05 am
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nmlp
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LEAVE him! Be strong and have no contact with him. Be safe.

April 9, 2007
2:16 pm
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on my way
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((((Ma Strong))))....good for you!! So glad that you are hanging in there and seeing some victory. And aren't sons just the greatest??

many hugs!!

April 9, 2007
8:55 pm
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hopeful for change
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I am so glad to hear that you are getting out of that situation. Atleast you saw the truth early on. I am a little envious. I wish you the best.

April 10, 2007
5:27 am
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StronginHim77
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Your collective support has meant to much during these painful days of hard choices and decision-making.

We saw a psyschologist tonite...spent 1/45 minutes with him. (Long session). Dr. B. NAILED my husband on each and every control mechanism he has been using against me. My husband tried to counter-rationalize, but the doctor calmy and determinedly forced "J" to face the truth about himself and how own issues. Showed him clearly the inconsistencies between what he SAYS and what he actually does around this house (and speciaifcally in how he treats me.)

Bottom line: When we left, he told the doctor that (1) he wants to be married to me and would do it again, knowing now what he knows about me; (2) that I show him love and affection in the way I treat him and (3) even if I left him, he would remain married to me because he "loves" me.

However, when we arrived home, he would not look at me, speak to me, went to bed in stormy, sulking silence. Per the doctor's instructions, I did not sleep in my little sitting room on the other side of the house. I took my pillow and blanket and slipped noiselessly into J's bed after he was asleep. When I awoke at 4 AM, he was gone. He had shifted over to MY little sitting room. So, I dragged over my pillow and blanket and proceeded to curl up on the floor, near him. That put him in a rage. He left the room and went into "His" master bedroom, slamming the door.

I am doing all that the doctor asked. Now it is in HP's hands. I may, indeed, have to go home. We shall see how much of this sulking and raging and rejection I can stand. He showed one face to the doctor and Mr. Hyde to me when we got home. This is not unexpected. I figured it would happen because he cannot handle facing himself.

Love,

Ma Srong

April 10, 2007
5:27 am
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StronginHim77
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Your collective support has meant to much during these painful days of hard choices and decision-making.

We saw a psyschologist tonite...spent 1/45 minutes with him. (Long session). Dr. B. NAILED my husband on each and every control mechanism he has been using against me. My husband tried to counter-rationalize, but the doctor calmy and determinedly forced "J" to face the truth about himself and how own issues. Showed him clearly the inconsistencies between what he SAYS and what he actually does around this house (and speciaifcally in how he treats me.)

Bottom line: When we left, he told the doctor that (1) he wants to be married to me and would do it again, knowing now what he knows about me; (2) that I show him love and affection in the way I treat him and (3) even if I left him, he would remain married to me because he "loves" me.

However, when we arrived home, he would not look at me, speak to me, went to bed in stormy, sulking silence. Per the doctor's instructions, I did not sleep in my little sitting room on the other side of the house. I took my pillow and blanket and slipped noiselessly into J's bed after he was asleep. When I awoke at 4 AM, he was gone. He had shifted over to MY little sitting room. So, I dragged over my pillow and blanket and proceeded to curl up on the floor, near him. That put him in a rage. He left the room and went into "His" master bedroom, slamming the door.

I am doing all that the doctor asked. Now it is in HP's hands. I may, indeed, have to go home. We shall see how much of this sulking and raging and rejection I can stand. He showed one face to the doctor and Mr. Hyde to me when we got home. This is not unexpected. I figured it would happen because he cannot handle facing himself.

Love,

Ma Srong

April 11, 2007
12:10 pm
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gracenotes
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Strong,

How are you today? I have been thinking of you and wondering if this intervention from the psychologist is making a difference. I hope so. I also hope you have clearly decided how much and how long you are going to take abuse, if the ranting and raving is continuing on, and I know you have a place to go at your house if it is time to leave.

I think your psychologist did him a great favor, but if he is not willing to get into therapy, I do not think there will be any long-term change. I think professional therapists can be wonderful, and I attribute my short-term therapy this year as the thing that finally got me out of my addictive cycle with ex-t, although much inner work preceded that.

Anyway, you are a strong and smart woman and I know you will do what is best for all concerned with your HP's assistance.

Peace.

April 12, 2007
2:43 am
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doubleloss
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hi Ma. I've been thinking so much about you and I'm still worried. I'm wondering: "is there a point to try to work things out w/this guy"??? I totally understand the want/determination/need to make things work but as we all know things don't work if TWO people are not willing to make it work. I just hope you're not putting yourself into any kind of dangerous situation. May I ask why did you therapist suggested that you sleep in the same bed than J? I wouldn't want to be going to be w/someone that doesn't want to cuddle me. (at least, 😉 ]

I hope you are all right and I wish you all the best, I'll try to post mor often. I think of you all the time and prya that all gets resolved pronto!!

love ya. double.

April 12, 2007
9:17 am
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StronginHim77
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Hi Grace & Double -

Thank you for your postings. Both are deeply appreciated and well received.

"J" has come down with a heavy cold, since the therapy session on Monday. No surprise there. When we were first married and I began confronting him with the sad truth about himself back in early February, he got sick then, too. It is because he in such turmoil over being confronted with himself.

OK..in answer to your question. The doctor (who knows me VERY WELL) has ordered us to sleep together. Otherwise, J will NEVER adjust to being around another human being. He is highly intolerant of the presence of other living creatures, so he has to adjust to my presence in his room/bed, or he is hopeless. Besides, why bother getting married, if you are going to sleep in separate wings of the house??

Anyway, I don't spend the entire night in there. I go there, after (and ONLY after) my 4-5 AM "pee" run. And I have rearranged his bedding so that there is no sheet on my 1/3 of the bed...only on J's side...so he can't claim anymore that I am tugging or pulling his sheet, thus waking him.

The

April 12, 2007
9:25 am
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StronginHim77
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Why do I always hit "send" before I'm done????

Anyway, I have continued moving my personal belongings back to my house. My living room furniture, Christmas decorations, china, crystal and 1/2 my wardrobe have all been transferred, as well as alot of my linens and kitchen items. I am more than halfway moved.

J asked where I put the things which used to be stored in the back bedroom and closets. I reminded him that I still owned a house and that I had simply returned my belongings to my own house for storage. When he pointed out that was (in his opinion) a waste of work because I would have to move them out again when the house sold (it is up for sale), I replied that I would cross that bridge when I got to it.

Lastnight, he started hinting that I needed to change realtors because my house has been listed for 6 months and has not sold. It is not my realtor's fault. He is a fulltime professional and one of Coldwell Bankers' top sellers, until the houing slump hit Florida this past year. NOTHING is selling down here and probably won't, until June.

In the meantime, my wonderful sons and their roommate have rented my house, so the mortgage and utilities are taken care of. And I put the taxes on a credit card. (Amazing what you can put on a credit card, these days). At least I have no danger now of foreclosure and don't need to beg "J" for help. I did not want to let him help me because he would hold it over my head. I am sure of it.

I am not sure when I will be leaving J. Certainly, the next time he rages at me or abuses me verbally in any way. I will be on the phone with the movers the same day. I want to see if he is going to (1) establish an account for me for household grocery purchases, as he agreed to do in the therapy session; and (2) continue therapy. It is his only hope. In the meantime, I continue taking more and more of my belongings back to my house, each day. I am AMAZED that he doesn't realize what I am doing. He thinks that I am clearing out the closets to "please him" because he had complained about how much stuff I have last week. How can anyone be so gradiose and blind?

Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I do not think it is a question of WHETHER OR NOT I will move out; I think it is more a question of WHEN.

Love,

Ma Strong

April 12, 2007
9:41 am
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taj64
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Hi. You are sleeping with the enemy. I cannot believe any professional would recommend sleeping in the same bed as someone you have to sleep with. He is not a healthy man with way too many issues.

I just hear your words and all I can ask is why why why? Why prolong an abusive relationship. He is weak overbearing, selfish man who does nothing for you, nothing.

This is so mind boggling a lady like yourself deserving of a richly healthy guy and stuck with this control freak.

"I am not sure when I will be leaving J. Certainly, the next time he rages at me or abuses me verbally in any way." He will do this. This is what an abused wife would respond to...the next time, only the next time never really comes. Your self esteem is sinking as I see you attempting to work on this relationship because underneath you have hope.

You need to get out and get out now. You have two sons, bet anything they would help you move and rather quickly. What are you showing to them, that the person they love the most in the world is living with the crazy man.

I hope you make it out alive and in one piece. I hope you get peace back in your life. And i hope you dont live your life trying to please this man and make excuses or give him answers that have to be good enough for him or bow to his level anymore.

You deserve way better than this. You were better off alone. YOu were happy then and full of life.

You are changed woman in past few months.

Don't wait too long.

April 12, 2007
11:27 am
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nappy
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Ma Strong, I hope that you are doing alright, but as I was reading, I didn't understand why someone would suggest that you sleep with someone who don't even want you in the same room with them.
I understand that you married this man and that you are hoping that it work but you were the one that help me so much since I have been here on this site.
You were the one that made me to open my eyes to the situation that I was in. I feel that we have came a long way with each other and I see that you are falling back into something that is not good for you.
I understand that we all have faults and we are not perfect but come on now, this man is treating you very bad and you know that he is treating you bad. You were the one who taught me about a person being in a controlling relationship and I see that you are turning a blind eye on your situation. You is his wife for god sake and he don't want you in his bed only when he want to have sex, he don't let you be the woman that you are suppose to be in your own household because he want to be in control of you. He seem like he can't even be in control of himself less along trying to have a wife. He don't even know what that mean.
You made me feel that I could move forward and I did but when I read your thread, I was just wondering what happen?
Nappy!

April 12, 2007
12:09 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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perhaps the therapist is trying to force the issue so that it either resolves itself or it doesn't?

perhaps the therapist realizes this is a no win situation for ma and wants to force the husband to bail out by pushing him outside his comfort zone.

So, either he complies, or the marriage ends.

No, it doesn't sound "fun" to sleep in a bed where you aren't wanted...but perhaps it's just a way of forcing an ending to something that seems doomed to begin with.

after all, IF it would work and they stayed married, it would be only right to be sleeping together...so, why not sooner than later?

April 12, 2007
12:13 pm
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Strong,

My heart goes out to you in this difficult situation. I can certainly understand your need to want to save this relationship. As an older person myself, it just is not as easy to get a relationship going and to end it. There are still many unanswered questions that have to do with finances, disability, and, the dissolution of this, and. believe me, these things are important to consider at this time in life. I also think we naturally as human beings, never really want to dissolve our connections with people we have been involved with, although, of course, that is necessary at times, and may be completely necessary here. I still think of ex-t and wonder if we will ever sit down and have a normal conversation with each other. These are just thoughts that, I think, have to do with our spiritual conection with others that never really ends, even if we choose no contact.

I think you have a good perspective here, and your inner being will tell you loud and clear if and when enough is enough it is time to go.

My prayers to you.

April 12, 2007
12:43 pm
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gracenotes
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Just adding, for me, enough of his behavior would have occurred a long time ago. And, Strong, yesterday I was re-reading many of your posts on the No Contact threads (No Contact I have maintained) that have been so helpful and educational for me.

April 13, 2007
12:17 am
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StronginHim77
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Thanks, all of you. I am taking this ONE HOUR at a time. I am now 75% moved back into my house. He would have to be blind, not to see that my closet in the master suite is 1/2 empty and most of my kitchen things have been removed as well. I am ready to leave, when it is the right moment. A moving team could have me out of here in about 1 hour or less.

Just keep standing by me, my dear friends. It is sad to acknowledge that this man deceived me and is very, very damaged. He will never be able to give me the respect, affirmation and love which I deserve. I am simply planning my timing for leaving.

Thank God my sons (and their roommate) have rented my house and welcomed me to move back in. MAJOR MIRACLE. I will not lose my house which is my only asset now.

I am probably going to give this till the next scheduled session with the psychologist. If nothing breaks, I leave. I am tired and ready to go home. Even my neighbors (at my wonderful old house) want me to come back.

Keep me in your prayers.

I am grateful for your support and kindness. I know what I have to do.

Love,

Ma Strong

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