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How best to handle a control freak who withholds finances and sex? (StrongInHim77)
March 26, 2007
1:49 pm
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StronginHim77
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Nappy -

I am deeply grateful for your kind and Spirit-led words of encouragement. How well I know that verse you quoted! I am LIVING it.

You are right. I believe that he is a scared, anxious, insecure little boy who tries to control, criticize and dominate others as a "mask" for his own fears. I am going to stand on that Word within me, remember WHO I AM and walk in peace. I thank you for your good words. I truly do.

Double --

My dear friend, your loyalty and support are awesome. It is so good to know that I don't need to sit in this frying pan alone and undefended. You -- and so many others who have expressed their outrage on my behalf -- will be pleased to learn that I DID stand up to those ministerial powers who tried to intimidate me and threaten me with being stripped of my credentials. They have BACKED DOWN. Now, I simply need God's direction and provision to move forward with my life...in WHATEVER direction.

Isis, Healin and South - Again, my thanks. Just reading your wonderful words gives me strength and courage to hang in here, until I can better my circumstances.

Robert -

We did seek premarital counseling and got a green flag after doing so. I'm afraid his mask was a VERY good one. No one saw it. Not even the men we counseled with, prior to deciding to marry. He has now revealed himself to be a highly insecure, hypervigilant control freak. And I must find my way through this mess. Because I am disabled, the financial aspect of my "dependency" on him, until my house sells, is a real and unavoidable. After it sells, I can make choices. Thank God. Pray that it sells quickly, despite the tight market down here.

My thanks again to all of you for helping me face another day.

Love,

Ma Strong

March 26, 2007
1:53 pm
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StronginHim77
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South and Double -

I definitely agree with your advice that I must never let him know he is affecting me. I must keep my emotional distance and not show any reaction. It is not easy (as you well know), but I think I can do it. I am surely going to try. When I step back from him, he backpedals and starts treating me better. Classic.

- Ma

March 26, 2007
8:51 pm
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truthBtold
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Ma Strong,

Well this whole fricking situation just royally sucks!!!!!!!

Do you have a Plan B?

In other words, are there any friends or relatives that you can live with during the interim of ridding this clown and fool and player from your life?

I know that this may not be of any comfort right now - but maybe this all happened for a reason to give you the opportunity to re-align your life in a manner even MORE appropriate than what you are experiencing?

Is there not a way that your "senior ministers" can be second-guessed by an even higher authority for their obvious bad decision? I would certainly cover all the bases if I were you and even call upon some old friends in the system, if you have any - for dire assistance and understanding in this matter.

How about your congregation? Do you think that they would have a political voice, once united?

This sucks and ought not be the way that a religious sect operates......perhaps the local news might be an option??????

If I were you, I would log onto any any every available website which would even have the remotest (spelling?) interest in your personal story and tell it like it is.

Who knows - there maybe some help out there that you never imagined existed!!!!!!

This is for the birds!!!!!!!

I feel CERTAIN that there is some other site out there that can help you......Civil Libiteries maybe? Mis-Treatment against Clergy.org or something......SOMETHING!!!!!!

Don't go down without a fight and try to find out the real legal ramifications associated with your oath and ministry and maltreatments against such!!!!!!

There just HAS TO BE SOMETHING ON THE WEB available to you - I would be hard-pressed to believe that there isn't.

Hell, why not even write to the senior head-honcho of your particualr religious sect and insist upon a meeting?

Maybe even enlisting the support of other like denominations in your area which will stand behind you......pull out all of the fucking stops!!!!!

This man was mis-leading at best (abusive and cohersive at least) and you ought NOT be punished for being the all-trusting soul that you were trained to be within your particular denomination!!!!!!!!!!!

Is there not any avenue for recouse in this situation according to your denomination's standards in this particular case????????

I would definently put the pressure on to those in charge and DEMAND some support (at a minimum) and restitution!!!!!!

Afterall, what in the hell do you have to lose?????????????

March 26, 2007
10:04 pm
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StronginHim77
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truth -

You actually had me laughing, while reading your posting. Not that it is "funny," but because you intensity and genuine outrage on my behalf was so MARVELOUSLY (and humorously at times) expressed!!! Thank you, my friend.

You will be pleased to learn that the "powers-that-be" have backed down and there is now NO MORE TALK of de-frocking me (or whatever the heck it would be termed). They are still urging me to "stick it out" for as long a stretch as possible.

We shall see how long I choose to stick it out.

Be they ever so small, I have managed to take a few steps towards saving myself, financially...and saving my house from possible foreclosure. My two sons (18 & 22) and their best friend all share a tiny, 2-bedroom apartment for which they are shelling out nearly $1K a month. I have offered to rent my house to them for mortgage & utilities. It will save them rent money AND they have agreed to let me move back to my house and stay there with them.

Unless my house gets a sale contract by next weekend, I have told the agent that I will be renting it out and leaving it on the market...in an occupied ocndition. This may not be the best step, but it is all I have been able to pull off, so far.

It will save my house, till it can be sold (I can't afford the mortgage much longer), and I will have a place to escape to, should things get unbearable or dangerous here.

One small step at a time. Now I am looking for a part time job that I can physically handle. If I can just manage to earn $500-600 a month, I could make ends meet with my disability from Social Security.

Keep praying, my friends.

AND I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR STANDING BY ME WITH SUCH KINDNESS AND ENCOURAGEMENT. GOD, DID I NEED IT.

Love,

Ma Strong

March 26, 2007
10:19 pm
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truthBtold
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Ma Strong,

You are most welcome my friend!!!!!

Outrage sincere........glad that a happy medium might be reached!!!!!!

Stick it out and see what where the chips fall!!!!!!

March 26, 2007
10:57 pm
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hopeful for change
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Thank God that you have this option, as an out!!! I wish i had one. I am not trying to take over your thread, could you take a look at mine about how my husband has abandoned me since surgery? I think it to has control written all over it. i don't have options. Be grateful.

hopeful

March 26, 2007
11:50 pm
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sdesigns
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Oh, Ma, it sounds like things are coming together for you. You are handling this like a champ.
((((Ma))))

SD

March 27, 2007
9:07 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi, StronginHim77

I suggest you get the heck out of the relationship before he does some serious damage to you.

March 27, 2007
9:36 pm
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gracenotes
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Strong,

That is awesome that your sons and friend will rent out your house and you can live there too!! I think HS is really working in your life. And, when the house, it shouldn't be a problem for them to move again. Sounds like a win win situation to be, arranged by your higher power.

March 27, 2007
10:20 pm
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StronginHim77
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Yes, Grace...having everything fall together this smoothly has to be he HP sauce Zax ordred for me. I have spent alot of time with Him and suddenly, solutions to impossible situations are resolving themselves.

Thanks for your help, your caring and your support...

Ma Strong

March 27, 2007
11:11 pm
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Anonymous
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I dont think I could have weathered your drama out, Strong! I may have already. Here I am and your story is coming to a happy end. It looks like everybody should have marriage contracts with safety clauses for masks! Keeping good thoughts for you!!

March 27, 2007
11:14 pm
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Anonymous
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Ah, in my case I think my pride wouldnt let my disappointment show, together with insecurity, codep, low self esteem... But after many years, I lost whatever identity I had, who I was, needed, wanted. Reconstruction has been very hard, but it had to come one day.

March 28, 2007
12:53 am
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mamacinnamon
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MA:

Were you able to talk to any of the women attorneys I sent you the links on?

Review the following. You may find your loophole there. I saw a couple possibilities, but not knowing specifics of your case I cannot make a call on it.

The laws dealing with marriage, dissolution of marriage, partition (forced sale) of property, enforcement of support, and injunctions for protection against domestic violence are primarily found in chapters 61, 64, and 741 of the Florida Statutes. Those statutes are available for review at all public libraries. Recent legislative changes can be accessed online at http:\\www.leg.state.fl.us

Here also is something to check out... Family Law Handbook, January 1999, Created by the Family Law Section of the Florida Bar

I know this is a lot to look up, but if you want out you will have to do your homework. Sometimes just what you need is there, you just have to find it.

I too am disabled and in the position of not bein able to support myself and my daughter. I know the feeling of hopelessness that comes from not being able to drive, fend for yourself without someone to help. Thing is MA there is help. Keep looking and you'll find it.

((( MA )))

March 28, 2007
11:10 pm
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Anonymous
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You know, MA, I have a friend whose husband left her for a pastor lady. He moved to a house he had in the pastorĀ“s city which is where I live. I havent had contact with my friend. The last I know the pastor got married to my friendĀ“s husband so she could be reputable before the church to get her degree and practice! If churches (evangelic protestant) marry adulterous people, these churches could do all kinds of things, including annuling your marriage.

March 29, 2007
2:27 pm
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on my way
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Ma Strong...
I think the handwriting is on the wall. It may help to write about it here, and that is good, but abuse is any form is not Biblical, ok? You are being treated less than a human. You are beautiful and unique and deserve all good things. You are an eagle, this guy is a turkey.

April 5, 2007
9:06 am
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StronginHim77
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O

April 5, 2007
10:07 pm
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Honolulugal
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As in "THE O"!!!!!????????

Ma, you know better than to hold out on your girls, now.

Tell.

H.

April 6, 2007
6:22 pm
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Honolulugal
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Ma?

Where are you? Come back here and splain...am I misunderstanding here?

H.

April 6, 2007
8:24 pm
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StronginHim77
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I moved all my furniture (except a daybed, TV, armorie and clothes) back to my house today.

Ready to go home.

Not taking the abuse anymore.

= Ma

April 6, 2007
8:34 pm
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gracenotes
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Strong,

Good for you!! You are doing the best for you.

There is no reason to take any abuse anymore.

April 6, 2007
8:44 pm
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sdesigns
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(((((Ma)))))

Sending good thoughts your way....

SD

April 6, 2007
8:59 pm
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Honolulugal
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Oh, dear, I hoped that all was improving so drastically that you were meaning oh, joy, not oh, no.

Well, I guess you saw the writing on the wall and have found the right way to go.

Doubtful he'll be happy about this. Be careful, now.

I'm sending positives vibes from Honolulu.

H.

April 6, 2007
10:11 pm
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Shaney
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You saw the signs, played it smart, made a plan, and now you'll be safe. Thank God that you are out from under his roof. You're one strong woman, and no matter what, we'll still be here for you... helping you through this tough time. You were only in this for a short time, but abuse is abuse - and it still hurts no matter what.

You're an example and an inspiration, Strong - no doubt about it. Hold your head high. love, hugs, and respect - Shaney

April 6, 2007
11:42 pm
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southgoingzax
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Hi ma,

I hope you can get out of there safely...make sure he doesn't have any keys to your house (or change the locks). I hope you can have a good weekend in your new/old home.

zax

April 6, 2007
11:52 pm
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readyforachange
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(((Ma))) praying for you. Please make sure that you are safe, and that he cannot gain access to your home. Be strong, as always, and be well.

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