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horsefly needs totalk to a friend
February 15, 2010
11:02 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Thank you, I have been slowly withdrawing from people here and in real life. I suppose it is fear and I feel like nobody anymore. I actually thought I was going crazy because I knew something was wrong and when they found those last 2 disks they over looked....well by then.......I was fed up and mad at the world, paranoid and couldn't figure out with all the doctors I have seen.....what why one day I could walk sister and then another day I was stumbling and my legs hurt all the time.

So for gosh sakes.....how could they over look the 2 disk that was that important? Anyway, I am trying so hard not to be so cynical and every morning......I just count a gratitude list to begin with so I can get a handle and better attitude.

Well, I just deteriated more and have to accept it......I am sick of it and it is up to me to make my life better and soften up and stop worrying so much. This just has to be it.....another bad medical report.....I hope never.

Dark Phoenix, I would love to be your friend it is just impossible to tell or relive my story . {{{hugs)))

Dear trusty Destiny, Thanks my friend. ((hugs))

Bitsy, I appreciate you so much and your honesty, because I can relate so much to you. At times I feel so lonely.........never this much. So I am just thinking spring ( as sd says) ((hugs))

Ma Strong, I read your post. You new he was going to rip my guts out again if I contact him again. Or be around him. Naturally, he did. I know you get it .....we have been through this together for a long time. I think I could just appreciate a normal man for a change this time....really. That's is the problem after a decade with a horrible N it takes a toll and then I don't think I am capable of a normal relationship. I sometimes even act like him......it is so hard to believe.......when you see it for what it is. Nobody would believe it , except for you or the ones that have been involved with one that long..........they almost brainwash you. I still hurt. Please ....it pain has to end sometime.

But I am learning to take care of myself......I thought I was ready for maybe a new relationship if I found someone I was attracted to, but I have to keep myself together......I guess I keep expecting things to get better faster and they have in ALOT of was but patterns are hard to change. I need to find me again.

I have such abandonment issues that it is torments me to have to say goodbye to anyone. I think he was my father figure. But I have problems with letting go of anyone........Nappy was and still is tough.

Fire, Love you too my friend....I really need to stick to this site for awhile......I get so complicated in my head I think I can't explain or even talk anymore.......When in reality..my life is really alot better....because they havee found out all my medical mysteries ( I hope). I love my place.......sometimes I feel like a loser. But I am finally free of my mother and ex who both controlled the hell out of me. Maybe that is what is so freaky. I am in control for the first time and can make any kind of life I want. But just can't do the same things. My mother and I have had it out so many times now.....she is scared to call much anymore. I have gotten hateful. Sad but true.
((hugs)) LOve, horsefly

February 16, 2010
12:09 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Ma, Please everyone once in awhile give me a good dose and a swift kick to remind me about the ex from hell. I swear it doesn't even make sense to think about him at all. I don't get it ......like the haunted curse or something. Love, horsefly

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