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Hopelessness, Depression roller coaster and Suicidal thoughts
January 15, 2006
12:23 am
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nc_mom_of_2
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Does anyone else feel like they are on a Depression roller coaster with feelings of hopelessness and suicide on some days, and seemingly fine on others?

I wouldn't really hurt myself, but it scares me how thoroughly I have thought through suicide and it's effects. I KNOW suicide isn't the answer to these issues.

Some days what would normally roll right off my back, cause me to feel useless and wish for death.

I'm so ashamed of these feelings and I really do not want the stigma of going on an antidepressant, but I don't what else to do at this point.

I need off this roller coaster FAST, before I end up really sick.

January 15, 2006
12:37 am
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camra
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NC mom, most people will tell you that depression is sickness however I do not belive that to be true. I belive life is hard and unless we turn things over to our HP we will get depressed. I think depression is normal not a sickness,,

try turning things over to your HP and see if that doesn't help..

Godbless!
camra

January 15, 2006
12:46 am
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kabooom
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nc_mom_of_2

hey, its ok . we all go through those thoughts of ' ending it ' here and there but its natural.

Whats more important is to stay strong and know whats right and whats wrong. Yeah i can admit i did have toughts of dying, stopping the pain ... but thats the incorrect way out.

" Pain is a weakness that leaves the body " was a line that i read from a slogan used by the US MARINE CORPS ...

and its so true !

Pain is temporary my friend, even though it feels like its forever at the time ...

hang in there , get some help if you have to. I never thought Id end up on one of these sites/forums , but hey like camra said ... life is hard .

ANd i think we're all living proof of that.

January 15, 2006
12:54 am
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nc_mom_of_2
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Camra,
I appreciate your response, however I disagree with you on Depression not being a sickness. There is far too much scientific evidence that backs me up in saying that Depression is indeed an illness. I'm not talking about merely sad and low days. Yes we all have those. Clinical depression however, goes way more in depth than just having a bad day. Connecting with my HP has helped, but this is complex problem. Thank you for your insight and willingness to help.

Kaboom,
Thank you also for your encouragement. It's ironic that you would use a slogan that i am very familiar with, seeing as I was married to, and in an abusive relationship with, a Marine for 10 years, and that my brother was one and my current boyrfriend is also a Marine as well. Thank you so much for wishing me well in light of your own dilemma. You have a big heart. Thank you!

January 15, 2006
1:35 am
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nc_mom_of_2
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I am dealing with such self-loathing and hatred. I feel like I don't deserve happiness, love or peace. I compare myself to anyone, everyone, and always comne up WAY short in my own eyes. All I see is a huge failure, a useless, unloveable piece of shit. I don't know if this is all part of depression or what... I just don't know.
Some days I don't think like this at all.
What the heck is wrong?
It really IS a roller coaster of ups and downs.

January 15, 2006
8:29 am
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Anonymous
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Dear nc_mom_of_2:

I would encourage you to not delay in seeking professional help from a medical doctor as soon as possible. Suicidal ideation requires professional intervention.

Your doctor will determine whether you need anti-depressants. Please do not continue to suffer alone. Your life is too important, especially if you have children.

Wishing you the best.

M & S

January 15, 2006
11:43 am
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nc_mom_of_2
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Thank you M&S. I guess I'm afraid of appearing, for lack of a better word, crazy, and that's why I haven't been to see a Doctor yet. I don't even know how to go about telling a doctor how I feel. I mean do you just go in, sit down, and say " Listen. I've been thinking about suicide lately and feel really hopeless"?

When I'm not in a depressive state, it seems sort of silly. ( No offense intended toward anyone who also has depression). But it feels as if I'm making too much out of an emotional moment in life, not like a major crisis. Does that make any sense at all?

January 15, 2006
11:57 am
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Anonymous
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Dear nc_mom_2:

I understand your concern about appearing "crazy." You will not. The medical field has made great advances in treating depression. If you are having suicidal thoughts, you need to seek professional help.

I do not know if you have recently been traumatized or something triggered these feelings but you need to explore the causes under professional care.

You can either see your primary doctor and talk to him/her or get a referral for a psychiatrist. Yes, you can tell the doctor that you feel depressed and hopeless and are having suicidal ideas.

Please don't minimize your feelings. Suicidal thoughts are ALWAYS serious. And any competent professional will consider them as such.

I URGE you to seek assistance as soon as possible. A member of my family was saved by timely intervention. You will feel better and will be better able to cope with whatever is bothering you. You need to be safe.

M & S

January 18, 2006
10:14 pm
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beenajerk
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Take it from one who's been there--get help and leave the decision as to whether you'd benefit from medication or not to those trained to make that determination.. No sense being a "hero" just to avoid medical help or prove you're tough or are afraid of the stigma of someone needing medication. Just who is it you're trying to please with the tough person stance? If you are depressed, it's normal to have thoughts of suicide. You don't have to act on it. If you get into the frame of mind where you're planning how you'd end your life or find yourself composing suicide notes in your mind, at the least you should call a local crisis line or 1-800-SUICIDE.

January 20, 2006
12:02 pm
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Dear nc mom of2,

I think I've been acknowledging some poor decisions in my past life and the feelings that are coming up for me are extremely difficult to bear.

The painful feelings I've been trying to escape from are absolutely fueling a huge depression.

And I am so NOT wanting anyone to know, which is what will happen if I have to go to a medical doctor. I want to be able to work through some of this with a few selected individuals I trust.

The most difficult thing, for me, has been to take control of how I use my time.....that is, even how much time I allot to thinking destructive thoughts....there are a lot of things a person can do to get back in control of their thoughts.....focus on the work at hand, exercise (THIS IS HUGE, exercise), eat properly and at regular mealtimes, keep a reasonable bedtime......then start to write down what you are feeling....ask yourself the hardest questions you can come up with about your real feelings.......

only you can create those questions. Ask yourself what things happened when you felt that particular painful feeling, that shame or embarassment or belittlement.

I think it is in discovering the things that happen over and over ....what is it that you feel so powerless over, that you just cannot change no matter how hard you try....

Write the feelings down. When something triggers a feeling in you, try to find out what it was. Just keep coming back and talking to people on this site. There are so many good people who are trying and searching for answers and many times one person can say something that speaks to your heart and helps. Reading and trying to help others also allows you to recognize how you feel about yourself, too.

You sound like a really good person to me. I identify with your self-doubts and frustration. I'm pretty sure not wanting to try any more because I feel inadequate to the task is NOT TRUE because there are so many things I CAN do and actually do WELL. Tell that inner voice to quit picking on you, for crying out loud!! YOu're OK, just like the rest of us!! Prayers and best wishes to you, Brynnie

January 20, 2006
2:05 pm
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pathfinder
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NC_Mom,

Are you around? I'm having a very hard time with my depression today.

Every time I get in the car to drive somewhere I start to cry and usually don't stop until I reach my designated destination.

I numb myself after work by watching hour after hour of mindless TV. This coming from a person that use to eat right, work out 5 times a week and felt great about her life. I never had time to watch TV before. Fitness was a huge part of my life.

Now, I have NO life, and no motivation. I eat junk and sleep. I've gained so much weight that my clothes hardly fit.

I know I need to go back but I think what's the use? I'll get on the Epilyptical and cry the whole time. I'm also embarrased to be seen by those that knew me from before. They would surely be shocked to see how much I let myself go.

I'm just trying to regain my motivation to LIVE, much less exercise.

When will I stop crying? When will the pain stop?

January 20, 2006
7:25 pm
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hopeful for change
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Sorry to hear your feeling so bad. I am not feeling so swell either. I once heard that the only way out of it is through it. Meaning through the crap. I am trying myself. I understand. I think meds help some people. It does always get better doesn't it? I mean when you look back at another time when you were so depressed like now, you got through it and felt better. That's what I am trying to remember anyway. I guess life just can't be great always or bad.

I love journaling. I don't try to be correct in it either. I just write exactly what I am feeling. I look back weeks later and sometimes go OH MY GOD and in that I find progress.

I'm sending you a hug. GIve yourself one you need it and deserve it.

January 21, 2006
3:15 am
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nc_mom_of_2
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Moon & Stars, Beenajerk, Brynnie, Hopeful for change:

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and for your suggestions. I really appreciate feeling like people here actually DO care! Thank you also for sharing your experiences and what's helped you. Sometimes people here give advice that others may not have thought of themselves. Again, thank you all so much!

Pathfinder:

I'm so sorry you're having a terrible time with depression today. It seems like it's a never-ending uphill climb, doesn't it?

I numb the pain by absorbing myself online. I don't neccesarily think that's a bad thing. It helps keep my mind off things so much and more occupied.

As for the letting yourself go... I am in the same boat. This time a little over a year ago, I was about 70lbs. lighter. Talk about embarrasing when I see people who know me and knew what I looked like last year. Sometimes I feel so ashamed that I can't just "snap out of it!" There are days where it's truly a struggle to even bathe, dress and eat my meals. I am SOOO sorry you feel like there's just no use to even bother with trying to exercise and eat right. I feel the same way alot!

I don't know when the pain and crying stops. I wish I did, Hon. I wish I had a million answers and I just don't! I wish I understood why when things are getting so much better for me, and I should be the happiest I've ever been, I feel like I'm choking to death and don't want to even try to breathe, much less be happy. I ask myself every single day if this will EVER stop!!

I hope and pray it does! It has to!!! Nothing can last forever!!

***Holding your hand through this jagged, desolate path my sister and friend**** (((Path)))

All my love

January 21, 2006
9:09 am
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MT2
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Yes, I have a chemical imbalance as well as most people here and REALLY struggle with hanging on. I, unfortunately have turned to cutting on myself occassionally, which is NOT recommended. It is just that the pain is so intense sometimes I swear I am having difficulty breathing. Believe me, you are not alone. I wish it was as easy as turning it over to HP but in the real world, some of us just suffer from a physical imbalance.
IF you are courageous enough, which I am not, probably going thru therapy would help some. I have no more answers for you, best of luck.

January 21, 2006
2:40 pm
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gypsygirl
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How old are you children? Sometimes after we give birth our hormones are way out of wack that it causes depression and weird stuff like that. I had my daughter almost three years ago, and I am finally getting off the last few lbs, and my skin is clearing up. My depression and anxiety, well that was pre baby. I went to my OBGYN and he said I had a hormonal imbalance and put me on birthcontrol for it. It has been like 5 months. I don't care what Tom Criuse says, he needs a psych Dr.

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