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hopelessly devoted to a married man
July 18, 2006
10:05 am
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hopelesslittlered
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Hi. This is my first time here. My story is long and complicated as I am sure everyone's is. To make it short and sweet, I am in love with a married man. It started about 6 years ago. I knew he was married. I had been hurt and was looking for something to make me happy. I knew that he couldn't hurt me because I knew he was married and would not fall for him. Well, I did. We saw each other for about a year and a half. I was seeing another man (unattached) at the same time and became pregnant. I ended the involvement with the married man. I married the man that I was pregnant by and we were married 4 1/2 years during which I had another child. During that time, I talked with the married man from before on the phone for 3 years but refused to see him. Now, I am divorced and me and the married man restarted 6 months ago. Of course, he says he's going to leave his wife this time. He says that he has got to do it right though because there are children involved. I believe he loves me. I mean what married man has an affair then talks to someone for 3 years with no sexual contact and still comes back after I am divorced? He's gotta love me, right? I am horribly confused!

July 18, 2006
10:15 am
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tiramisu00000
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Get out and get out now. You've wasted enough of your life on this guy. He's a "cakeman". He's not leaving his wife, particularly since there are kids. He'd lose about half his assets and maybe get weekly visitation. Most men don't wanna leave cause it's easier to stay and cheat than lose his shirt and kids. What's the "right" way anyway? If he wanted to be with you, he'd just leave.

July 18, 2006
10:26 am
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hopelesslittlered
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I know what you are saying makes sense. My brain tells me the same thing most of the time. I just wonder sometimes if it's meant to be because I did walk away for 4 1/2 years. Now, he's back. Doesn't that say something?

July 18, 2006
10:45 am
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Look at it this way... YOU ended the affair. YOU decided to not to have physical contact with him and YOU moved on with your life. He did not. If he had his way... I'd bet that he never would have ended the affair, you'd be going on 6 years of waiting for the "timing to be right" or for the "holidays to be over" or the youngest child to graduate from High School or college, whatever!! The list is endless!!! There's never a "good time" to end a marriage and there's no "right" way to do it. Especially if you're having an affair!!! Helllooo! How "right" is that???? I'd bet my life on the fact that he asked you to see him several times over the course of your marriage. YOU were the strong one. YOU were the one who said no. Nothing has changed with his situation. He's still married to the same woman. Your life has changed though.

You asked if it "says something" that he is back after 4 1/2 years but the truth is... He never went anywhere. He's been there the whole time. I think it "says" that he's still bored in his marriage and is looking for a distraction and a little fun. He probably has feelings for you... but will he ever leave his wife at this point? Hmmmmm.... doubtful.

Sorry, hun. There are always exceptions to every rule and every situation is different. I honestly hope I'm wrong about this.

Good luck,

TC

July 18, 2006
11:08 am
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CAMER
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unfort he is there, but most likely he is just there cuz you are letting him back into your life. He is still with his wife, and most likley won't leave her, cuz if he really did love you, wouldn't he be divorced by now.

Find someone who is available, and not get your heart wrapped up with him again.

July 18, 2006
11:30 am
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taj64
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Take it from someone who also fell for a married man and stayed in the same situation for 3 years. All you get in a broken heart and if he loved you he would be with you NOW. It is often based on fantasy and not reality. Yes maybe a part of him says he loves you, and that says something but very little to what you really deserve. Wake up and come back to reality and don't waste any more time having a real relationship. It is not worth any pain and this really isn't love. If he really loved you deeply he would let you go. Sorry for your troubles but life does go on despite not having a man string you along this way. Im sure you have a lot to offer but offering to wrong person.

July 18, 2006
3:11 pm
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hopelesslittlered
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Well, someone called the man's wife and told her about us. Needless to say I am worried about him and about us. I keep thinking now is the time to let go. But it's hard. He says that he wants her to leave him. He wants it to be her choice, but not because of an affair. He wants her to leave because she realizes that the marriage is no good. Once again even after getting told on, he claims that the timing and the reasons are not right.

July 18, 2006
3:17 pm
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Anonymous
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two things -

1) talk is cheap
2) nothing changes if nothing changes

you deserve better - find someone available today who can meet your needs now - not in the future

if he cheated on his wife, would he cheat on you? do you want to worry about that the rest of your life?

follow your gut - obviously it's telling you something - or you wouldn't be here.

July 18, 2006
3:41 pm
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taj64
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Once the wife finds out, then you know how you stand. Most often, it is not what you were hoping for. And most often the man will not leave his wife even when she knows. Because she is holding on too, just like you are, to a man who can talk a good talk.

The chances of him cheating on you get higher because you accepted him the way he is, that he cheats on his wife, then he will think it is ok to do the same.

If I had to do it all over again, I would have walked away in a heartbeat but I was weak person then. I didn't realize it, how easily I got hooked. It took a very long road, for me to even start to recover, a lot of heartache. And I was not the only one hurt. He wrecked two women's hearts and you want to call that love? Don't worry about the two of you because the way it looks already, he made his decision and probably made it a long time ago. He knows. You better worry for yourself. Because right now, he is worrying about himself and his wife, about her. He is not planning things with you. He is working on getting what he wants. And he wants her to leave because if he leaves she will have grounds for infidelity. He is selfish man, can't you see? Yes it is very hard, but will be much harder if you continue to hang in there to a man like this. Chances are high he will cheat on you as well. You deserve a faithful man, one who supports you, loves you and is there for you and also trust. I doubt you have trust for this man now, and you should not trust him. Without trust, a relationship is not successful, no matter how charming his words are.

July 18, 2006
4:10 pm
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lonelywoman
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You deserve better!!!!

LW

July 18, 2006
4:47 pm
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StronginHim77
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Men who cheat on their wives and marry the "other woman," ALWAYS end up cheating on her, as well. A cheater is a cheater. He has serious issues. Run -- do not walk -- away from this man. He is a liar..to you, to his wife and to himself. I think you already see this. But simply need time to process your grief and gather your strength to step back from him. Keep posting. You can do it. We are here for you.

- Strong

July 18, 2006
4:54 pm
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taj64
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Besides if he truly loved you as he says, and he is telling you that he doesn't love her and he is also sleeping with her, then he is also already cheating on you as well. It might not be the married kind of cheating but if you have the emotional bond that you say, then he is cheating on you too and that feeling is difficult to handle, difficult to overcome. It is hard to break away but in long run, doing yourself a favor.

July 18, 2006
7:10 pm
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smarterone
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Did you ever think, if he doesnt love her why the hell did he stay there during these "4 1/2" years that you werent around. Did he have nothing better to do or was there other girls. Do you really think he is going to tell you. He probably says to you, that you left him and married some one else, blah, blah, how dare you. Oh if you didnt get married and have kids, it could have been us.
Come on, is that what you want growing up your kids. Someone else's man or father. Then there will be the excuse, i have to go see my kids, if there are any, and he will probably get it on the side from the wife. Think. I was there a long time ago. I know he makes you feel special, he's good at it, they all are.

July 18, 2006
10:39 pm
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hopelesslittlered
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Once during the 4 1/2 years his wife left him. They were separated for 1 year. They filed for divorce but it did not go through because the judge did not agree with their agreement (I've heard her side and his side of this so I know that this part is true). Anyway, they ended up back together. He claims that is why he hasn't left now. He doesn't want 2 weekends a month. He wants 2 weeks a month and the judge won't agree. I know that my emotions count too, but I know that he loves his kids no matter what he feels for her or doesn't feel. I believe he is torn. Sometimes I feel horrible, but then I wonder what about my feelings? Is that so horrible?

July 19, 2006
7:04 am
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taj64
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It is not so horrible to have your feelings. You cannot help them. My guy told me same thing, that he is torn. He had kids. I had kids. He just could not risk losing everything especially the kids. In a torn situation, the man will generally pick the wife because she is on the hiearchy of the list and this is what he is comfortable. Even though many of us out there know we are in tough situation, we often stay because it is what we know. You know this too, because you have stayed too long and now you feel stuck because it is all you know even though your heart doesn't want to break free from him. You can continue to have hope but you are taking a very big risk on a man who is torn and he has no idea of what it is really like with you. it is doubtful he will take the risk or else he would have a long time ago. Their marriage is just that their marriage and you are simply a distraction to his miserable life. It might seem like he is torn because of his feelings for you but really it is him not dealing with the problems in his marriage. You are making all too easy for him to want to just keep it the way it is because that way he doesn't have to decide and he know you will be waiting in the wings, no matter what. You should be thinking more along the lines, and cutting the ties because he cannot give you what you want and you are wasting your life saving yourself for him. It is not realistic. You're better off healing from the heartbreak and moving on quickly than to stay stuck and dig yourself deeper in more of the same. Is is there for you right now, he is acting concerned about you, is he making steps, or he is just keeping you abay? Do you believe everything he says or do you think he is just telling you things you want to hear? I think you need to stop fantasizing of the outcome because these situation rarely turn out. At least they would have a chance to work on their marriage if you decided to let go.

July 19, 2006
8:13 am
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skyess
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cakeman

July 19, 2006
9:24 am
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taj64
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skyess I know you are new to the site but that is cruel to say. Hopelesslittlered doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

July 19, 2006
9:32 am
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Jennygurl
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I've been in a similar situation. It was very hurtful in the end and there were no children involved. A suggestion and only that, do the No Contact thing and tell him you would consider seeing him after the divorce. In the meantime someone better for you might come along.

Best Wishes.

July 19, 2006
9:42 am
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nutrition
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What type of person are you? Did you have these emotional affairs while married to your husband? If you didn't take your marital vows serious you won't expect other people to. If he leaves his wife, are you ready to be a step Mother? Can YOU Maturley get along with his ex-wife for the sake of the kids? Relationships are NOT just for selfish pleasure. Committment, loyalty, faithfulness, sickness and in health. If this man was sick would you take care of him lovingly until death do you part? I am sick with codependency and I am getting healthier each day. I pray that my husband will get healthier because I am getting better. If he doesn't I'll cross that bridge, but I have alot of recovery to do. Some days I am sure my husband is sick of me. He never shows it. He goes to work to support us whether he feels like it or not. A marriage isn't all little teddy bears and hearts and lunches. It is every day chores and kids and soccer games etc. It is being there for each other. I don't think you are ready yet for a relationship. Whatver dysfunctional thing caused your divorce must heal before you get involved with anybody or we as humans repeat the behavior (like rinse and shampoo and repeat!) I apologize for being so forceful, but I think you need to be honest about yourself to yourself. If I am out of line I aplogize. If I am not, I am glad I loved you enough to speak. Take care and God Bless.

July 19, 2006
9:52 am
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taj64
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I personally don't think a relationship should be labeled as a chore. It should be pleasureable. You make it sound like he has to do whether he likes or not and that sounds awful. Wow nutrition, you make it sound like marraige is a bad thing.

July 19, 2006
10:29 am
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StronginHim77
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Alot of what Nutrition had to say about marriage is grass roots truth. I was married for twenty years, until widowed and it took commitment, work and unselfishness to stay together, accept one another's failings and raise those kids as a team. It was definitely not easy. Our relationship began as steamy, passionate and "mad" about one another. He was the greatest guy I knew. By our 10th anniversary, the "mask" was down for sure and I found out how much effort it took to keep the marriage going, take care of the kids and somehow take care of myself, as well. I got lost in the process alot because it wasn't about getting MY needs met anymore. I had a list of people ahead of me: the husband, the kids, the pets...then ME. And that is very realistic. Talk to any woman who has been married for any length of time. The intense, emotional/sexual bond which brings you together yields to something deeper, higher, maybe less exciting -- but stabler and more real. A true friendship or partnership, if you want to call it that.

- Strong

July 19, 2006
11:19 am
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taj64
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I was married so it is not like I don't know what it is like. I just feel that yes it is realistic world and it takes two and all that but if you are not getting something out of your marriage and it is not pleasurable or being in a nice relationship then stay but if not get out. Especially because I have been married and through different types of relationships, maybe my expectations are a bit higher now. I want something healthier, and good, not just so-so.

July 19, 2006
12:40 pm
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nutrition
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I wasn't meant to sound as a chore. It is about growing up and realizing that not every day are flowers and candy and all about me. It takes a self-less person to be in a healthy stable relationship. To leave marriage because you want more or you're bored is childish. It is probably your generation. I didn't grow up with everything. I was told no many times by my parents. I get promoted in whatever job I take on. I look to serve others and not be served. You are young and in a world that is the me me me generation. I am from the we. I feel sorry for youth today. People, marriages in particular aren't to be tossed away. Growing up is hard and only pain is the way for some. I wish more for your children. You had your chance. Grow up and raise yours!

July 19, 2006
12:53 pm
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taj64
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Dear Nutrition, Im a better single parent than ever if I had stayed in a miserable marraige with an alcholic drug addict. I did the best thing for myself and also my kids. My kids are older children in their teens now and I feel I have raised them very well. I feel in my honest opinion that my kids came out better than a lot that have 2 parent families. I don't appreciate you telling me that I had my chance and to grow up and raise mine. That is out of bounds for you for you do not know me. I certainly did not mean that marriages should be just tossed away but at the same time, why suffer in them. I didn't judge you for yours so don't judge me for simply tossing mine away. It was not taken lightly so don' assume that everyone here just tosses it away at the drop of a hat. My statement is in general about relationships and I believe a relationship does have it ups and downs but I believe a relationship should be good and expect to be good for the most part. It should be balanced that was the point I was making and I stick to that, there is nothing wrong with feeling a relationship should be good. And beside this thread belongs to a person trying to help her with her relationship with a married man. Im not so sure you are offering her by coming on here and judging me this way. I for one when I chose to raise them by myself it was not about me but about what was best overall.

July 19, 2006
1:16 pm
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I have two children that I raise on my own. I was married for 10 years and probably should have been divorced after 4 years (for many reasons which I will not get into now)... but the fact is that I stayed in a very unhappy marriage for way too long because of the guilt I felt and because I feared being judged for my choices by people that should have minded their own business!!!

My children are happier now that their Dad and I are living apart. It was the right choice for our family.

There is no "cookie cutter" solution for everyone so you really need to be careful when making such blanket/judgmental statements.

TC

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