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honesty and acceptance
September 2, 2007
6:25 am
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newexperience
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its been 2 weeks since my girlfriend and i broke up. due to my increasing anger issues. i had to face that i needed to get help and let her go. since then it has been harder to walk away than i thought. ive been facing my self and being with all my actions. alot has come out that is tough to accept. ive realizd how controlling i was with her and tried to change her ways because at the time i thought that was the problem and we would be fine. its NOT her, its me. we talked a couple of days ago about my discoveries. she happy for me , but feels like her presence and how i focus way too much on us will interfere with my growth, process and recovery. i agree, but having a tough time accepting that. im way too clingy and also realize that we may not get back together. any thoughts?

September 2, 2007
6:40 am
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newexperience
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September 2, 2007
6:51 am
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newexperience
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fyi. im at a place being very insecure, lost and confused the past 6 months. those problems have added to me not trusting her. she has been patient and loving. i live too much in worrying about what happened yesterday(comparing to past relationships) and that fuels what i think might happen in the future.my take was, if we dont fix whats wrong now then we will suffer in the future. im the only one that saw any "problems." i couldnt live in the now and just be. that stressed me out and i caused fights over nothing. i see this now, but she doesnt want to put herself in a place to be hurt again. i agree. i expect that we talk or text everyday, or i feel neglected. we dont do that now and im seeing that its not so bad and healthy

September 2, 2007
7:52 am
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thedogsmom
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welcome newexperience.

I'm sorry that you are hurting over your most recent break-up. That is always so hard, and may hurt even more as you feel that it was due to your anger and insecurity.

However, the past is the past and here is your oppurtunity to really grow and learn and heal from it. If you are really ready to honestly deal with your feelings and attitude and if you really want a happy life instead of a life filled with anger and insecurities . then you can have that life. Changing the way you react and respond..isn't easy..but can be done with someone who wants it bad enough. Your goal has to be to get better for your own future happiness and health, but NOT for 'her' or renewing the relationship. That may or not happen....but likely will never happen unless you use this time for true self-change.

It isn't easy for some people to be alone. To NOT be in a relationship, but if you find the right ways to use your time, making sure to find the time to do things that you do enjoy...along with going to counseling, maybe joining a support group, reading motivational or self-help books you will be on your way to that new and improved you.

Whether you end up with this lady that you let go or not... There will be some lucky lady in your future who will love the new kind and gentle man presented before her..and you will see
that trust is there from within..and not dependent on somebody checking-in with you everyday reporting their actions.
good luck in your new self discovery and try to have fun with it.
TDM

September 2, 2007
9:39 am
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sad sack
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Hi newexperience,

I read your post and I had to respond. I could relate all too well with your thread. In my case, I was involved with someone very similar to you (in my early 20's). We were great friends who then became intimately involved. Once we began our romantic relationship, he became so controlling and clinging that I could not stand it. He wanted to be with me all the time and would get angry with me if I wanted some time to myself. Just like you, he wanted constant communication. I just wanted space. It was sad because,as friends, we got along so well. But he ruined the relationship with all of his controlling ways. He did not want me to continue my friendships with others. He would be so jealous if I even spoke to another male. I knew I had to get away from him.

In your case,at least you recognize that you had a problem. That wasn't the case with me. Everything was my fault. He did not see that he was overcontrolling or overly jealous. I had a hard time leaving because he would threaten me everytime I would bring it up. I was very young and very stupid. I would never tolerate that now. I was afraid. I believed his threats.

Please seek some help otherwise you will probably be the same way in your next relationship. He was. No one likes to be told what to do constantly.

You seem like a nice person who genuinely wants to change. I applaud that. Think of your last relationship as a lesson learned and move on. Get some professional help and explore why you are so controlling and clingy. Those are very unattractive qualities and you will continue to drive people away.

I wish you the best. You took a big step coming here. I hope you continue on this positive path.

Sad

September 2, 2007
10:53 am
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_anonymous
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I dont believe that problems in relationships happen in a vacuum. Usually the problems are not 100% someones fault. Usually both people play a role. You had a right to your feelings even if it resulted in anger. You were controlling because something she did made you feel out of control. She doesnt sound like she is really into you and that could be causing a lot of your emotional pain. What exactly was it about her that made you feel so insecure? Wanting communication in a relationship is normal and anyone would feel bad if their partner did not want to communicate with them. I think your feelings are valid. It would help if you let go of your past and end the issues there so you can begin a new relationship. I think you would be happier with someone who wants the same things you do, which sounds like an intense relationship with a lot of communication.

September 2, 2007
11:00 am
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Anonymous
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I would seek counseling, if anyone told me I was controlling, I would want to find out if that was true and if so, work it out, cause that can be very dangerous, for you and others around you. I would at least ask others around me what they thought as well, also look within you, are you? We can't control people and make them love us, if they want to leave us, we have to let them go, if they were ours or really cared bout us, they will come back on their own. Its sorta like leaving a butterfly free, allow it to make it own choices. If she is doing this to only hurt you and its not true and your not controlling, then you need to stay very far away from her, she will hurt you even more down the road, this will only be a taste of what she could do to you, anyhow, do some soulsearching and hang in there, I know it hurts to be rejected and not wanted anymore, trust me it has happened to me ALOT in my life, but if someone can walk away, anyone in yourlife, you are much better without them and someday your see that. Be well.

September 3, 2007
11:11 am
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muffet
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New Experience, I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago for very similar reasons. He had his own stuff which made the lines even more blurry but in the end I had to walk away and deal with the part I had to play in our problems ie: my anger, my controlling tendencies and every thing else a co-dependent gets up to when they think no one is looking! I am finding it so hard. He's gone to sort his own head out and thats good but leaving him to it is like having my right arm cut off. I miss him.I want to try to control whats happening but I know I have to let him go and I have to start leading my own life. Its so hard though when that panic sets in- the realisation that we may never get back together. You have come on leaps and bounds by recognising that you have a problem. Well done. Keep focusing on yourself and on what you are doing to make yourself better. Concentrating on yourself is the only way foward.

September 4, 2007
1:44 am
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newexperience
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thanks to everyone for sharing. the panic muffet talked about is so true as is everything else. its been 4 days since we talked and it seems like a month. there is nothing i could do or say that would change what is going on. reality is happening. this is life and i have to accept that. all of it. please keep sharing. thanks

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