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Hollie's Thoughts
November 8, 2007
1:32 am
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Hollie
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September 30, 2010
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November 7th, 9:30PM

Wow¡­it has been a very¡­very long time since I have logged in¡­

Quite a bit has happened¡­I seem to only write in this whenever I need to regain clarity¡­

So the big event since the last time I have checked in would be that I got a new boyfriend¡­

It is getting me really really confused¡­mostly on whether or not I should let my hopelessly romantic tendencies carry me away¡­or if I should put up a shield of practicality¡­

I like him a lot¡­more¡­and growing faster than what I am ready for¡­and he makes it truly hard not to¡­

I think its safe to say that between DGM and him¡­I would choose him without hesitation at this point¡­hehe¡­and I think that¡¯s pretty strong¡­

Mum tells me that I can always find better¡­and that I need not worry¡­but I guess its that inescapable mentality again¡­where when you really like someone¡­you are so sure that you will never find anyone else like them¡­let alone anyone better¡­but admittedly experiences have shown that you always find someone better hehe¡­

Why is it that I am supposedly in one of the healthiest relationships I have ever been in¡­yet I feel more paranoid than ever??? I am trying to overcome this with logic¡­and mental discipline¡­and I know that at the end of the day¡­I¡¯ll always be fine¡­

Mum says this feeling is normal because I do like him¡­

Somehow I feel that the girlfriend position is the least stable of all¡­it¡¯s not stable¡­as it is only a transitional phrase leading either to marriage¡­or to a breakup¡­

I have been debating with myself a bit lately¡­as for whether or not I should break up with him¡­and just get it over with and refocus on my priorities¡­.

If I do¡­I might be making one of the biggest mistakes of my life¡­yet I don¡¯ know yet how to proceed with this situation while keeping myself protected¡­emotionally¡­any other way¡­

Oh man¡­I am becoming one of those incomprehensible people that ran away from good things because they are afraid¡­

I don¡¯t want to do that¡­and I know for sure that soon¡­after a little bit of quiet reflections¡­I will find my way in this situation¡­and I just need to give myself time¡­and trust¡­to sort all this out¡­

It¡¯s just that¡­we face too many practical considerations¡­

The distance is an obvious one¡­and I feel like a real relationship needs day to day interactions¡­to provide the basis of evaluation needed to make long term decisions¡­yet we are only able to have very superficial contact at this stage¡­and infrequent ones at that¡­

I feel like he is pulling away somewhat¡­and the other worry is that¡­I am usually right with such feelings¡­.hehe¡­

I do believe that if he is pulling away¡­he is likely making some choices as well¡­or trying to sort out where this should be going¡­and I think I would truly respect that¡­

He is a guy¡­an older guy¡­and the responsibility as well as consequences are on his shoulders as for where this goes¡­and I don¡¯t blame him in case he needs to make some hard choices down the road¡­

I believe that the best I can do now is just to give him space¡­and time¡­and meanwhile give myself space away from him¡­and time to re-gather my strength and thoughts¡­

Mum is right¡­if this doesn¡¯t work out¡­it¡¯s so understandable as the hard circumstances are real¡­

He is a guy after all¡­even if a guy in love¡­I believe he will be running the practical considerations through his head¡­

I don¡¯t have sex¡­and I don¡¯t talk marriage (at least that¡¯s what he heard last)¡­and I can¡¯t travel long or far¡­yeah¡­I would say that even as a hopeless romantic¡­I¡¯d say that he is in a freaking hard position¡­

I promise myself now that no matter what happens¡­I will be understanding¡­and confident¡­confident that it¡¯s not because of us in case it doesn¡¯t work out¡­confident that I will always find someone better¡­trusting my experiences¡­and what I know that life has to offer me¡­

I don¡¯t want this to be this hard on him as well¡­which is why I am thinking of the break-up option too¡­to protect myself¡­and to take some dilemmas off of his shoulders¡­.

I trust that he would make a best decision for both of us¡­
I just hope that he knows¡­that if we just don¡¯t have the will to try for it¡­that it is much better than we cut this off quick as opposed to letting it get to a stage where it would really really hurt to let go¡­

I don¡¯t think the current situation is stable either¡­I feel him pushing away¡­but not letting go¡­it¡¯s that key period of reflections to determine which way to proceed¡­
I think after a while¡­I have more cues as for which way it is going¡­whether we will work out the practical problems¡­or if we will call it a day¡­.

I don¡¯t have a timeframe as for how long this period will last¡­.which drives me crazy as a Virgo hehe¡­but I guess it¡¯s really like what Rosalyn has said¡­patience is the whole game¡­

Rushing him to make a decision either way is a dead-end that I would not consider¡­I don¡¯t believe in suppressing communication either¡­

I think when it comes to anything that involves me making plans for myself¡­I will bring this up¡­and have a talk at that time¡­right now is simply too premature¡­

I think we will definitely be talking about this when he moves to Australia¡­so at least this gives some idea of what the timeline looks like¡­

Haha¡­I really am in the banking mindset now¡­I am thinking of deal milestones and timelines hahha¡­and of course¡­at the end of the day¡­closing the deal¡­

Anyways¡­I think the balancing 3 guys at once protection mechanism is definitely necessary¡­I just don¡¯t have the time¡­or energy¡­

Anyways¡­I¡¯ll be fine¡­I¡¯ll be more than fine¡­lol¡­

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