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Holiday support/chat/share/keep each other company...etc. thread
November 9, 2007
9:09 am
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Codi202
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The holidays are not the time to feel alone.
I startedt this thread so that no one needs to feel that there is no one to share with or talk to during these times. Lets act like we would if we were family/friends communicating. I may be wrong, but I think that just having this place to log on to and share/help/support/and just plane chat...No one to share the holidays with...share it with us...

Lets make it joyful. I will start..

November 9, 2007
9:23 am
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katzndog
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Thanks Codi,

Great idea! I am one of those people who struggle through the holidays. I have had traumatic things happen around this time of year and my family is dissolved for all intents and purposes. I feel a lot of stress to have everything perfect for Christmas (with what little family I have) and fret over gift giving, decorating, cooking - the whole thing!

To make it worse, my boyfriend, whom I adore, absolutely loves the Christmas season. In fact, he's already singing carols. Drives me nuts. He doesn't have to do much at all to get ready for everything - he goes to the bank and the liquor store and he's done!

I hope I don't dampen anyone's spirits with any of my venting, but I really believe I am not alone in feeling some dread for the upcoming season. I hope this is an appropriate spot to share some of my apprehensions.

katz

November 9, 2007
9:23 am
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Codi202
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I found a no-shopping Christmas website and since I have no one that I must shop for, I have taken that one on....Its too commercial and too stressful for those who have little to spend. And we don't need to do what the commercial entities say. I am out of it this year...and maybe for good for the most part. There are many other ways to share, better more loving ways....you don't need to spend a lot of money.

Anyway... the bargains are after the holidays! I prefer to shop then (when I can afford to) As long as you get the item you are after, why not wait till it is 30-75 percent off!

It can take the pressure off

Okay, that's one idea 🙂

I made my pumpkin pudding. I couldn't get the eggwhites to fluff up so I could fold it into it so I just let it jell and added whipped cream. YUM. Full of fiber too!
And I used half the sugar by mixing a natural sweetner.

I have gotten through many holidays alone. Maybe being in a touresty type place is the reason...but the first few were only one day off from work..the holiday...and I wanted to be home. I watched the parades...I had long since stopped doing that...poored myself some white wine, if I was making turkey, and red wine if it was lasagna or red meat (after noon of course) and started. The oven wormed up the place and there were a lot of movies or other programs that were of interest, either on tv or radio.

And there was also Blockbuster. I had a full day alone, it wasn't long enough.

And sometimes, I one of my neigbors werer home -- and I shared dinner with them...no sad sack talk, cause I reminded them that this is only one of many years Holidays. There will be many more. Here, have some wine, stop whinning and go to the pool and get a tan like and pretend to be "sunburd"! And think about how much money they are paying to come here and do just that, lol.

Blessings to count.

Maybe I will give myself the gift of a clean appartment...and new flooring as the management agreed! *smile*,,,
Maybe it will be a wineless holiday season and I will blow off the dust on my exercise tapes and try...

I could shop in my own book collection, ha ha...I mean Ho Ho.

How about you?
How will you lift your spirits this holiday?

November 9, 2007
9:33 am
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Codi202
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That's the idea, katzndog. If we sat around and had coffee and talked about it we might be venting just like you did.

I have a thought. Maybe you can put on your christmas list that you want help you with what you do at Christmas. Maybe listing individual things that can be done that will make it less stressful for you?

Everybody should pitch in!
Play christmas carols or watch the parade (like I do) or something while he is helping.

Course he loves the season, he's still a kid during it right? (that's not a criticism or judgement)

Let's have fun, lets ALL pitch in, lol...I mean, ho ho ho!

November 9, 2007
9:42 am
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Codi202
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That last line should have been in quotes..

let us, here, support each other!

Okay? 😀

November 9, 2007
9:45 am
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katzndog
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Good idea, Codi

With my codependent tendencies, asking for help always feels like it's a sign of weakness on my part. But if it's an item on my Christmas list, well that's different!

I have to work on being less sensitive and not let my feelings get hurt too easily during this time of year. My sister (and only sibling) doesn't care about anyone but herself so I have trouble understanding some of the things she does, especially around Christmas. She'd rather do her sports than spend time with me (and even her husband) and that hurts. But I can't change her. (Repeat to self - I can't change her.)

Every year I hope it will get better, but it never does, I just have to hold on and know that Dec. 26 will be here soon enough. I always emerge from the funk then.

katz

November 9, 2007
9:53 am
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Codi202
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Hey, It's YOUR Holiday too. You shouldn't have to wish it away.

I hear you Katz. Maybe this year you can work on some of your Codi tendencies and maybe it will help lessen the stress and maybe even make some other people aware.

I have an idea. How about simply PLANNING that sis won't be there. No whining, (detatch?) Smile and make it plain that the plans don't include here. She was going elsewhere as usual, you assumed.
(just another thought)

Remember we codeps need to take care of ourselves!!!

November 9, 2007
10:07 am
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katzndog
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Here's the thing. She's the only immediate family I have to share the holiday and exchange gifts with. My dad leaves for the south in early December and the only other blood relative is in the south too. Going down south is not an option for me. So it gets me to feeling really alone, especially when I get around my boyfriend's huge family. I just wish my tiny little family would care as much as I do and want to be together. But I can't change that.

One of these years I think I will just up and go on my own vacation to a tropical island. (Yup, more wishing it away.)

katz

November 9, 2007
11:01 am
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Codi202
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You are blessed!

No one acting like you are something pitiful I hope? You are not, lots of people have no one to spend the holidays with...I am one of them.

Local churches have dinners and all. I probably can go to one of those, but I can't get around that easily -- especially on a holiday and I haven't wanted to do that anyway.

I may go to the pool and do laundry that day. No one else will be using the facility.
And I will not let anyone act like i am pitiful because I am alone. I hav refused invites to others houses for dinner because i felt that it was being done out of pity. It is a kind jesture, but they don't really want me there, i am sure.

There are people who don't celebrate the same holiday. I am one of them for now. I don't do the family thing at all. I have no benevelent family...why let them controll me anymore!

I find things to do even alone if I must! And I have had a nice time doing it too..

I had to work 1/2 on Christmas Eve a few years ago. I am in Florida. I was in a touresty area. I went to dinner at a restaruant I though I couldn't afford (actually, I believed that i had no right to go because I coundm't afford much and owed much). I saw a lovely view. Had plum wine and a lovely meal while listening to the music. I treated myself like a queen and the waitere was wonderful to me. I left a good tip too. I regretted spending the 55 dollars. But I year leater...dispite the financial bind, I was still glad that I did that.
Oh, and I went to a museum that was still open too...a couple drove me there after asking me if I knew how to get there.

Then I took the last bus home and had a lovely Christmas day alone!

The following year I went to a theme park with a co worker who was down because her family had come for Thanksgiving...We used florida special passes and drank the free beer as if it was champeign..(oh wait, that was New Years Eve.!)

She chose to feel down and like the fifth wheel at someone's house, I went home and got on line found out where santa was -- then Ilearned about that system and why they do that and all with music from tv in background (I save tv for special occaisions) made dinner, watched a movie -- and drank real wine!

I made it a great christmas day too.

So can you!

Don't let her win. Take care of YOU!

November 9, 2007
11:36 am
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katzndog
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Thanks again, Codi

Nope, I don't act pitiful. Very few people know this bothers me. I am not afraid to be by myself or go somewhere myself. I am really a very strong person, but this season just gets to me. I'm not very religious either, so that doesn't help.

My boyfriend is wonderful and so is his family, so you are right, I am blessed. We are actually talking about possibly going out west to visit the west coast faction of his large family and go skiing and snowboarding while we are out there.

I'll be OK, I always am. I just don't get excited about this time of year and I am not going to beat myself up about that. It is what it is.

katz

November 9, 2007
12:10 pm
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euqcaj
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Hi Codi and Katz,
I'm Jacque,...and I feel like I know you, or at least can relate to you both so well.
Every year we go through uptight feelings, not because of the season, but because of who is going to do what, are we going to be alone, which other relative is going to get the holiday and the grandkids,...and on and on. Our family is a step family and my immediate family is basically gone. Anyway it creates apprehension in me too. I have alway, all my life, loved Christmas and I am a Christian. I know what it's for and I always celebrate that in my heart and openly. Nothing takes that away. But the rest of it can be a challenge because it feels like the other "mother", my son-in-law's mother, is pitted against us. It's not pleasant. We even get along better with my ex husband, really, we can carry on conversations etc. She is tight lipped and ignores us. I really don't like her.
But anyway, please keep this post up. It will be fun to share and be each other's support. I'm SURE there will be more to share as the holidays approach.
Jacque 🙂

November 9, 2007
1:11 pm
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Anonymous
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OH..I so not ready for the holidays, no money, no home, losing it, moving most likely...I hate holidays anyhow.

November 9, 2007
1:28 pm
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Codi202
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Buy nothing christmas website:

http://www.buynothingchristmas.org/

Just for reference and some perspective. I am not promoting this, but it strikes a chord and helps.

The holidays are commercial events, and maybe some of us want to ignore it this year.
Maybe some of us want to simplify things and not be controlled by very commercialized traditions.
Thats why some of us hate them ---or at least some of us 🙂

November 9, 2007
1:42 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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my mom struggled with xmas - she gave up my sister for adoption on dec 31st years past - and that weighed on her mind - and so mom was never one for xmas cheer.

DAD loved xmas - the more the merrier.

he often "made" mom overspend, just so we had a good pile of crap under the tree.

when I was 11 - mom attemped suicide the day after new years...I learned we were seriously in debt - so that made me regret begging for big gifts....and that's when I learned about my sister that mom put up for adoption before she met my dad.

so, from that point forward, xmas had a cast over it....each year we were let down cuz we didn't get the one thing we truly wanted, no matter how big or small - and each year we got the speech about how ungrateful we were.

then off to grandma's house - so we could listen to our cousins sing the praises of their gifts - and for my aunt to abuse me verbally - and my mom telling me to suck it up and be a good kid and not sass back.

The ONLY bright spot was my grandma - who was the glue that held us together....when she got too sickly to host xmas - it died for everyone.

flash forward - my family is in other states - far away - my BF's family doesn't celebrate much since his dad passed away and his niece and nephew are older teens now.

So, it's up to me to bring it back to them - cuz I WANT the spirit in the home....not the commercial materialistic one - but the one with traditions - IE - mom is making wreaths for the church - I want to learn - baking, caroling with the church - nice dinner together as a family - decorating the house festively - xmas craft making.

Bf says why bother? I say, we have a kid coming and another one already in the home - and I want it to be special for them - like we used to have...and only WE can CREATE that - it's not something that happens by itself.

I don't miss my family - I miss my grandma bunches....but I don't miss my family....they robbed the spirit that grandma tried to create.

I remember that grandma had this nut bowl that my cousin and I used to sit around, stuffing our faces with almonds, pecans and brazil nuts - leaving the walnuts for everyone else - when she passed - I scooped the bowl up out of the yard sale my aunt was throwing - she wanted to know why I wanted that ratty old thing - but to me - it was a symbol of what grandma did for us....part of the history....ratty or not, it was something that reminds me of xmas with her....I also used to buy her a new ornament every year for the tree, and when she passed - she gave them back to me for my daughter's future tree....so when I decorate this year - I will have those memories too.

it's all what you make of it...there have been xmases where I did nothing but relaxed by myself....and that's ok too.

remember too that many soup kitchens need volunteers xmas day to help cook and serve dinner to the people who have no family - I don't live in an area with these things - but always wanted to do it - only in that it seems like such a wonderful way to give back - and to not feel so alone that day - cuz everyone there is just as alone - and together you aren't.

November 12, 2007
12:48 pm
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euqcaj
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Rising,.....
What a wonderful heart you have!
I hope that my grandchildren will look back at me with the same wonderful things you said about your grandma. And you are so right,....these things are made, they don't just happen.
So may we carry on and continue the traditions.
Jacque 🙂

November 24, 2007
7:59 pm
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Codi202
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Remember: this thread is here to support everyone through the holidays! Read first post.

November 24, 2007
8:16 pm
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Codi202
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I typed in the word " Christmas" in the search at the top of the threads page and started reading some of those threads.

November 24, 2007
11:22 pm
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red blonde
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I am getting the holiday blues. I live alone with my two cats - although they 'talk' to me and bother me for affection, they are not great conversationalists (LOL).

I am rather lonely at the moment. I do not work 'normal' daytime hours, except on Sunday and Monday.

I wish I could be with my love right now but our schedules just do not jive at the time and it is a long distance relationship.

When I get the blues and get lonely like this, I have a tendency to be down on myself and life.

November 25, 2007
9:30 am
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Codi202
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I am alone too, red blond.
I don't expect to be going to the theme park this hiliday. I have no dream man to think about andymore.

Think about your good fortune. You do have someone, he is just not there right now? 🙂
So, this too shall pass...yes? I hope so for you anyway.

I hope this thread gets us chatting and sharing and keeping each other company.

In the "Kitchen" thread they are even talking about games.

Maybe we can have meetings on our own right here....the coda.org website has links (welcome through closing paryers). and we can post out comments here.

What's at youtube, lol. A Charlie Brown Christmas? I know that there are lots of cooking videos.
health related.
Maybe some of those plans for the new year can be made. Think outside the box?

Anyway, maybe just keeping buisy and sharing will help.

Just a few thoughts

November 25, 2007
9:48 am
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red blonde
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I will post more tonight.

I work during the day on Sunday and Monday...then I work 3 'evenings' a week - so I will post before or after work.

We can think up alot of things to do...and I think others may join in.

November 25, 2007
10:10 am
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Another single lady joins in here. I live with my adorable furry reserved kitty. She is cute and sweet. Sleeps beside me. Last nite, I celebrated Thanksgiving and while saying grace and watching Xmas movie about a happy ideal family how they celebrate Xmas and wrap gifts for each other...I couldn't help but tears started to roll down my face.

Oh my Lord, this is gonna be my 10th lonely Xmas.

Folks...there is someone SPECIAL for EACH & Every single person of us. Wether you're single lady or single gentleman....no matter how old you are...there is someone out there who is posing the same question:

"I need a comapnion, where is that someone special, my 2nd half, Significant Other- SO???

(((Folks))) Let's Not lose heart! That day will come for all of us who wait for the right person and choose NOt to settle for the 1st one we encounter or who passes by.

Let's keep going onward & upward!!!

November 25, 2007
10:35 am
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red blonde
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I think we have to do 'right' for and be 'right' with ourselves first.
I know I was unhappy with my xbf about 5 years before I tossed him out. Nothing worse than feeling miserably lonely when you are living and sleeping next to someone who treats you like you are lower than whale's s**t! Sorry about the language!

Yes, I am lonely because I cannot spend it with my 'first love'. And I try to remember the last five Holidays that were spent with the x and his family when I was miserable and just started to compensate for that loneliness and unhappiness by eating!

But I also need to do things for myself to make me happy and to learn to not rely on someone else to make me be happy. Make sense?

November 25, 2007
10:57 am
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red blonde
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I need this thread!

When I get down...especially on myself...I have trouble DOING things to keep me up and keep me busy!

Will post later this evening! GOT to get ready for work!

November 25, 2007
11:17 am
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Codi202
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So we need some self care this holiday, too.

I have just made a list of threads that need to be gone to regularly (besides this one :)) in order to accomplish the self-healing and self improvement that they seem to be inspiring.

examples: Crazy Mothers
Weight loss
Charmer...can use this one to learn more about the charmer/abuser and the narcisist/malignant narcisist etc in order to recognize the red flags and get our radar active.
Love Addiction -- I read one book with that title. i sure am addicted-- or was...but we can use this thread to help learn about this and get passed it into healthier relationships.

No more lonely "AnotherSaturday Night"'s There will be a number of weekends ahead and one or more can be used as a personal weekend retreat (weekend welcom thread?) I used that weekend for self study, relaxing, a little emotional decluttering,lol (the "declutter...) thread) and lots of self soothing...(self soothing thread -- I posted some links to some free meditations and just some positive minutes etc. i will post more as I find them.)

There is always a stopover at the "kitchen" and the "coffeehouse" just to chat and see what's happening.
There are recipes too.

I may start a thread for meetings and sharing that would go on at a meeting...just with the links at coda.org.

Now when I was on retreat, I was on line the whole time...It ended too soon, I needed MORE time, so I think this is a good thing.

Thanksgiving was spent mostly on line too, as i recall, but I did some household stuff too.
A great day for laundry for me, no one was at the laundry facility on the complex.

The season goes on for about 6 weeks right? so I will find intermittent times of seasonal distraction when it is convinient.

gonna go to the malls to see the new reconstruction if time allows. One has drawings for new cars (for charity) and each has a tree to decorate with dollar donations.
I have already donated at the dollar store (toys for tots) and my grocery store(1$ each time I want to add to my grocery bill for needy-- I can't afford to buy the bags (at 12.00 this now) this year, I used to just get the least expensive one, but I can't afford that right now.
But I noticed that I can do SOMETHING and that is enough.
I have a pool I hardly see, and lots of books and tapes I rarely use. They are clutter, I have got a lot of reading to do before they are all organized.

My gift to myself this year will be (mostly) paid for by the complex.
They promissed me a painting last year. i never prepared the appartment fo that due to overwhelm, i guess.
This year they said they would give me a new rug.

What would it cost to get that done.
That is a present to me!

If I have time during my three days off at Christmas, i want to go to one of the turist attractions in the area. It's only 8.00 to get in and they decorate the gardin with christmas stuff.

I can have an early bird dinner and so on. No one will be the wiser.
I do this sort of thing all the time.
I just play tourist With what I can afford!

And then I talk on line and study and watch youtube...I have a LONG favorites list.

Another gift is my Flylady journal that I am building.

And some library books, tapes, if I ever get there...and some rented christmas movies (I have a list)--- and I haven't even spoken about turning ont the tv yet!

I just got a red candycane candle that has a nice cent (for one dollar at the discount grocery store ) and this is the first year I wlll be sending out christmas cards (just a few as I have gotten a few and i dedided to become a real person and send one back---6.00 for 6 cards in a box,NOT. they were marked down to ONE Dollar!)

I am smiling right now!

Wow, this is a LONG post, sorry.

November 25, 2007
11:28 am
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razor
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until the last month or so I have lived by myself (just my 2 cats)
now I have my daughter inlaw and 2 kids here....
somedays...like today....
I miss the old days. ..2 yr old is VERY loud.
I like what you said red blonde about feeling lonely even when someone is with you.
I have been off work for 4 days and am ready to get back tomorrow. Days off are not good for me.
I did buy a door for my family room which is now my bedroom. Hooray! It will probably be next weekend before I can have it installed but I am one step closer to SOME peace and quiet.
I do love my grandkids and don't want to bitch at them constantly but I can't let them drive me (and the kitties) nuts.

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