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holding strong- heart weak -- update from the dogsmom
June 7, 2007
9:02 pm
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thedogsmom
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hello all,

he moved out and since I know he rented a room from some man and is not living in the streets- I have been able to hold strong and not let him back in. I was weakening --as he was still coming around (to work on his cars)-- and then I left for a trip to mexico with my friends which gave me some distance again.

he texted me while I was gone... letting me know how much he loves me...misses me...worries about me... is sorry and can't live without me.
while I was gone he moved one of his cars to my parents property and still has one car parked at my house. My mother who is very angry at him and had hardened her heart..said it was very hard on her to see him. She felt sorry and was very sad for the days following. NO CONTACT is SO helpful!!

He called me since I returned and I answered the phone and he was crying and telling me how he misses me and how heartbroken he is without me....doesn't know how to go on... I was cold (only way I can be--) and told him he'd get over it. Told him that it took me three years to get to where I could break up...and it would take time.. then told him I had to go get some rest and hung up...and..

cried like a baby..I'm still very emotional about all of this... but must admit..that I have some really GREAT and HAPPY days! and I look better to where people are already noticing....and.. some mornings...I am actually enjoying the music in my car and NOT thinking or obsessing about him and fixing our problems.

so just wanted to fill you all in...and say thanks again. I wish I would have found this site a few years back...and saved myself some suffering. I still love this man very much..and hope and pray he will seek the help to stop the drugs. don't know if I would/will ever take the chance on trying with him again.
holding my ground for now.. dad really changed the locks...but his car is still there...so trying for very little contact.

thedogsmom

June 7, 2007
9:12 pm
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sad sack
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Hi Dogsmom,

I read your thread and had to respond. Let me be the first to applaud your courage and your strength. I feel your pain, but mostly, I feel your pride for you have taken control of the situation. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I know how hard the "no contact" thing especially when he is pleading with you and trying desperately to push all of the old buttons. But you held up and did not let him manipulate you. You cried, but that is to be expected. You loved this man. You had a history with him. I understand. But you did what is best for you and I am proud of you.

You are an inspiration to me (and I am sure to so many others who come on this site). This site has helped me tremendously as well. I will be forever grateful.

Have a good night.

Sad Sack

June 8, 2007
11:28 am
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lettingo
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thedogsmom,
I have followed your story a bit and want to say I am so happy to see how well you are doing. You are an inspiration. Your story was similar to mine. I too loved my addict but could not longer live with him. My divorce was final in March. I went through the same stuff you did. My ex cried and would text me and email me. I had to change my phone numbers because even though I was strong and help my ground, I did what you did and broken down crying whenever I got off the phone. It was just too hard on me emotionally. He too begged me not to divorce him but he continued doing drugs and is in jail today. He just could not stop and just wouldn't get help. I am still deeply sad over it "BUT" like you, I have great days and finally have peace in my life. I know it will continue getting better for both of us. You should be VERY PROUD of yourself. This has been a HUGE accomplishment.

June 8, 2007
12:30 pm
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Loralei
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TDM,

I am so proud of you!! You are making wonderful progress.

You seriously need to get his car as far away from your property as possible. His car is his excuse to come around and stay in contact. Maybe you should have it towed to where he is currently living. Same with his other car on your mom's property. Why doesn't he just sell them, as junk cars if nothing else, because they are nothing but a burden. But those cars are not your responsibility and they need to be gone, just like him.

Just think how much better you will feel when he and his cars are out of your life. And next time he calls, don't listen to him. Just hang up the phone.

Stay strong and hang in there. This is the best you've sounded since you've been here.

June 8, 2007
12:56 pm
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Shaney
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Hey dogsmom.... :o)

You're doing all that you can do, and that's enough. You knew it wasn't going to be easy, but at least you're having happy days now... when before you didn't have many. Seeing him or hearing from him is always going to be difficult because of the situation that he's gotten himself into. Key phrase being, "gotten HIMSELF into." You love him, I know. He's not a bad person, but he's sick - way too sick for you to fix. At least he's surviving. I know that was a big worry for you... but he's managing on his own regardless of how poorly he may be doing so. Time will tell what is in store for all of you. At least you've saved yourself. That was a very big move, and you've succeeded this far. It's okay to be sad... but move right on through it and know that happier times are always around the corner. You're doing GREAT dmom... keep it up.

love - Shaney

June 12, 2007
7:32 pm
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thedogsmom
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thank you all for your continued support and praise...that I somehow still rely on to help me keep the will to reject him from my life..

yes- I too am proud that with your help and good sound advice that I was able to force him to move-out! that was the toughest part....worrying and wondering IF he would survive-- and feeling so sorry that he would have to live in the streets or his car when it was cold...

He seems to be surviving alright. My mother even said he had a new camera and tripod-- and he came by to get his printer for his laptop.

Priorities!! his priorities- kill me!
I had his camera and told him I'd give it back once he removed the cars- but I guess he needed one for his sons graduation. I also offered to give him a bed-- but he bought a cheap futon--- guess he thinks his borrowed retirement money will last.

I know-- I know-- I need to focus on me now and QUIT worrying and butting into his business.! It is HARD!

I am starting to really miss his presence in the house. I am noticing HOW much he did for me around the house and cooking et.al... I guess that was in PART ...why I allowed him to stay for so long even after I was really miserable with him as a partner in life those past few years.

I know this is just the sad breaking up phase and it will pass. and it is SO much better to be lonely a minute or two than to be ANGRY or upse ALL the time!

I already feel so much more at peace.
I still feel sorry for him. I still miss him. And I even sometimes think things could work again... then remind myself that it would just be the same old story- since he hasn't really made any changes in his life to stop the drugging/drinking and look into his reasons/character behind it.

I ran into him over where we used to live (the druggie neighborhood) when I went there to collect rent from the duplex we lived in. He tried to get me to stop but I just waved and drove by. He followed me and said he needed to come by to get the car. He came over and washed the car...watered my lawn, put out the trash, fixed a sprinkler head, carried in my waters and took his printer and the car and left saying how much he missed me and worries about me.
He called the next day to say he would come by to pick up a night stand I offered him. I bought dinner for two and he NEVER showed. I WON't do that again!

see - I'm still weak sometimes. He is always so nice and sweet. need to keep seeing the drug MONSTER in him!

thanks...so far so good.
gaining weight again..OH no!
thedogsmom

June 12, 2007
9:41 pm
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smarterone
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TDM
I havent really been on, i know how hard this is and how you felt after buying the dinners. You know that i am going thru it but with my son. I did leave for almost two weeks but then came home, and only one day later, my son, who had left after i did, was knocking at the door. You were stronger than i, I really think it is harder with your child.
I find that it is much easier not being in the same place, or anywhere he can find me. I took him back in with my b/f, but its not even an issue of drugs, he just doesnt get it. The world does not owe you a living. They think that you know. Everyone is struggeling but they think they are having it worse. I know in my heart i will change soon. Good luck dog

June 15, 2007
11:51 am
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thedogsmom
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i'm weakening here... I know it comes along with the breaking up---it's over-- lonely phase... and I must just muddle through it like I expect the rest of you to do..

have my happy days...and lately been really sad and teary.

yesterday I couldn't stop crying and thinking about how he ruined everything...re-hashing it all in my head. I sat in the backyard by myself and cried a bit...and then the phone rang...
it was him. He asked if he could borrow $20.00 till tommorow (payday-today).. I wanted to help...I wanted to know how the money would be used...but all I said was "sorry, I can't help you with that". He asked if he could come by anyhow as he needed to pick up his gas-can. He came by and told me how good I looked. He looked terrible. Lost more weight. He told me I needed to start watering the grass more frequently and that I needed to weed the front yard. This- after I was so proud of myself for making myself sweep the patio and porch and wash it down with the hose and washed the windows...

He said he would have to come by to mow the neighbors lawn today and asked If I wanted him to take care of mine too. I said "no- you need to take care of yourself-- and I need to take care of my own business too".

I gave him a really big hug. He left saying how he worries about me and that he was watching old videos of me last night.

I cried and went to bed wondering if I should have lent him the money or let him work for it. Would that be considered enabling still? or helping a friend in need?
thedogsmom

June 15, 2007
11:58 am
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risingfromtheashes
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my gut says it would be enabling, and I suspect your gut said the same.

you would just be making excuses for helping him...and then might fall into that habit by "finding" reasons for him to "earn" money to help.

I am sure there are others out there that will pay him to do their lawn...let them "help"...they aren't emotionally invested.

it is hard...keep up the fight...in time it does get easier.

June 15, 2007
1:55 pm
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Shaney
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"I cried and went to bed wondering if I should have lent him the money or let him work for it." You have to remember, from experience, that giving him money, is keeping him in the rut that he's been in for years. He has a job where he can make enough money to live on, but he chose to miss work repeatedly, and I'm sure he still maintains that sort of "vacation" schedule knowing that he can always bum money off of you. Don't be that person for him. Don't be his "go-to" when he has chosen to be irresponsible with his life. It's almost like rewarding bad behaviour, or reenforcing it. He needs to hear NO enough times to force him into that corner where he has nowhere to turn. He needs to help himself, and you need to help YOURself. Youve got healing to do too. Focus on you.

dogsmom... you already know the answer to your questions. I know you do, and you know you do too. The status of your relationship may have changed, but the fact that you would be enabling a user remains the same... no matter what. Not to mention that every time you let him help you, or you help him... you continue to nurture and support the neediness that still remains between the two of you. You've been doing a pretty good job of avoiding that need... but it still occurs here and there. The more you give in, the more you will want to give in. The more you say no, the easier it will become to say no. Hire a gardener. If you can afford twenty bucks to hand over to him, then you can afford a gardener. Shit, I'll do it for TEN bucks!

I know you're doing your best, and it's great to see that you do have happy days. When you feel low, plan a trip or an outing with the girls. Make sure you always have something to look forward to, so the times when he calls or drops by, you have some good, positive feelings to fall back on. You're strong... don't forget that. You display strength all of the time. Just keep plugging away at this, because if I have to come there, it's not going to be pretty. The retirement package that you offer is tempting, but I may end up scaring your ex away once and for all :o).....

June 15, 2007
2:52 pm
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atalose
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This man is living the exact life he wants to, an easy life with no responsibility or
accountably for his actions.

You were worried he would be living in his car or on the streets, you wanted to give him a bed, he bought his own, bought a camera even though he already had one and is supposedly watching videos so he has a player and a TV. It sounds like someone who is very resilient and is taking care of himself pretty good.

What part of his presents are you missing in your life, the part where he caused misery, hurt and heartache or the very little he did around a home you both shared in efforts to make up for the major things he was not doing for you or the relationship.

I would be wondering what all those little things he is doing for you, washing the car, putting trash out, watering the lawn, etc. etc. All that sweet talk coming from the drug monster who will want something in return eventually. Manipulation at its finest and you need to stay strong for when that happens. Just like you know that drug monster he knows you as well, he’s stroking the furnace for something so watch out.

Keep yourself busy by doing all those things for yourself and don’t let him continue to be such a major focus in your life, recently it’s cost you dinner for two and disappointment.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 15, 2007
3:28 pm
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TDM,

He is so playing you. He's trying to make you think he is indispensible to you around the house. Like you can't tell if your grass is dying for lack of water or not. If you're smart enough to earn a living, I think you are smart enough to watch the grass grow. For him to give YOU advice? Ridiculous. Hire a real gardner or lawn mowing firm to care for your lawn. They won't cost you thousands of dollars to mow it. You had the most expensive gardner in history, dontcha know?

If he needs 20 bucks, he should have thought of that before he bought a camera. Giving him ANY money for anything would be enabling him and will keep him coming back for more with his hand out. Until people are forced to live with the consequences of their actions, they never learn their lesson and never change.

He is not your friend. He is a moocher and a drug addict who has cost you thousands upon thousands of dollars that you will never see again. Those people are called con artists. And the best con artists are the ones who get under your skin, who pretend to love you, who "help you" and then rob you blind by getting you to give them money because they are a "friend in need." Your feelings for him and your sympathetic heart made you a prime target. I just wish you could see him for what he really is. Because once you do that, you'll feel nothing but contempt for him. Mourn losing the dream, but congratulate yourself for losing the leech. (((TDM)))

June 15, 2007
4:32 pm
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thedogsmom
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okay--- now you guys are makin me laugh! and knockin [or in your case Loralei ;)--- "slapping"]some sense into me!

rising- yes- my gut told me Not to 'loan' him the money---and I didn't ... but I was already looking and thinking about 'excuses' to pay him for work to do around the house..
I'm sure it's cause letting go of him ISN'T really the ending I wanted.
and its hard to really even think of life without him in it at all...

but as you all have so vividly reminded me -- I had to let him go for a reason. He is still an active addict and I can No longer be the "go-to girl--when he continues to choose to be irresponsible with his money and life". He can get a second job, or try budgeting more effectively IF he really needs more money to survive on. I even suspect-- that he may have needed the money for drugs as payday is approaching and he was on 'my' side of town (near the old duplex where the drug addiction began).

you are all right-- my soft heart for him-- just wants to continue to 'watch over' him and hold him near--and I'm sure he is doing the same by manipulating me "
I'm searching for signs of my old and reliable boyfriend (before the drugs) but unfortunately his actions are still proving that he is NOT returning anytime soon.

and shaney- thanks-- but by the time you guys HARDEN this bitter heart of mine-- I'm sure the next man in my life will probably RUN after he asks me for ANYTHING!

I'm practicing " I will NOT enable this user. I do NOT need a MAN in my life for anything! I can and will take care of myself! HE caused me misery and heartache and must suffer the consequences of his own actions. I will not be fooled by his sweet talk and manipulation- He can sweep his side of the street and tend to that and I will tend to mine".

and-- if I get off early tonight I may treat myself to an outdoor concert. even though I have NO friends to go with.
thedogsmom

June 15, 2007
4:37 pm
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Go to the concert. You dont' need friends to enjoy an outdoor concert. I have done it many times. enjoy the music, enjoy the outdoors.

I really admire the way you were able to kick that guy out the door and out of your life. Keep on the way you are.

June 15, 2007
5:26 pm
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Loralei
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TDM,

We will continue to knock and slap on you until you get over this guy because all of us really care about you. (((TDM)))

Actually, you made me laugh when you said, "He can get a second job." How about if he just showed up to the one he's got? Afterall, you manage to make it to work everyday. But then, you are responsible.

I know you often refer to the boyfriend he was before he became a druggie. But I think you are overlooking something. Wasn't he mired in debt and way behind on child support when you first met him, long before he became a drug addict? And that's when you gave him all that money so he could catch up? If that is the case, then he didn't change all that much with the drug addiction. In other words, he was irresponsible, a mooch and a con artist prior to the drugs. Sounds like a major character flaw that was there all along. Drugs make things worse. But dependable, responsible people don't do drugs in the first place. So even taking the drugs away, I still don't think you'd have the kind of man you deserve or want.

And the next man in your life shouldn't be asking anything from you other than the pleasure of your company.

June 15, 2007
5:33 pm
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Shaney
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Damn STRAIGHT! .... everything that Loralei just said, plus a big fat boot print on his butt just to make sure he's headed in the right direction.

:o)

June 15, 2007
9:32 pm
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smarterone
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YOU GUYS ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS
Shaney while youre at it, put that foot up my butt too.
Dog: I cant say anything cuz i am doing the same thing. You take care of yourself, you are alot stronger than you think.
Love u all

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