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His 13 yr old gave him an ultimatum
July 7, 2009
4:12 pm
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Hepburn
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Hi fantas - Yeah, you know funny you would say that, because he just called me a while ago and said the doctor told him that he had an allergic reaction to something he's been eating. That it's not an ulcer. He told the doctor that he had an ulcer 20 years ago. But the doctor said no, it's not an ulcer. We thought he had food poisoning 2 weeks ago because he was throwing up then. The doctor did say that he's under too much stress. He lost 4lbs since last week.

Who knows. I don't trust doctors as it is. But what you said makes sense to me. I'm going to tell him about it.

Thanks.

July 7, 2009
6:17 pm
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Shaney
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All you can really do for yourself at this point is to take steps toward making this situation better for you. If his moving out is your first priority, I think that would be a great start. A heart to heart, very serious talk may help him to realize that you ARE serious. I know it's easy to come across as a bit wishy washy when in your heart, you really would like him to stay. He may know that you'd like for him to move out, but he really needs to GET the seriousness and urgency of your feelings. Finding him a place, because he's not looking himself, won't necessarily do the trick. He may need a deadline, and THEN maybe some suggestions - but doing it all for him is just rendering him even more helpless. I know asking him to leave is like kicking him when he's down, but it may be the catalyst he needs to get his act together. You've got YOURS together because you do the work - it's not fair for you to have to carry his load too. Really, I should talk - I've got my own helpless but perfectly able man at home. So please do this for the both of us - so I can live through you. lol

July 8, 2009
12:52 am
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soofoo
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LOL Shaney!

July 8, 2009
1:32 pm
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Hepburn
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HA Shaney, you crack me up!

Yes, you're right. We had another talk last night. Talk, talk, talk.....blah, blah, blah. That's what it feels like. I couldn't be more BLUNT. And I've been blunt before.

Good news is he actually went on the computer and started looking for places. So maybe something got through to him. Since he can't seem to express himself very well verbally, actions is all he has. And of course that speaks volume's, more so then words anyway. So we'll see......

We did an exercise last night and made a list of the positive's and negative's of this ultimatum he was given. I thought it would help organize his thoughts, since he seems to be overwhelmed and and scattered all over the place. I told him to keep it with him, so that if he needs to remind himself of his thoughts he can look at it. He seemed to like that idea. I think I need to do that myself!

So, what, you play'n the codie card on me?? Cause you know I'd do it for ya! LOL

July 8, 2009
1:37 pm
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Hepburn
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MsG--If you're reading, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about your dad. You just can't seem to get a break can you?

Obviously your dad is having a hard time dealing with his wife passing. And rightfully so.

(((MsG)))

July 8, 2009
2:01 pm
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Shaney
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Yeah - come ON Hep - take one for the team! SOMEone has to set a good example for the rest of us! Funny... we can all dish out the best advice we have to offer, but applying it to our own lives is hard sometimes. Ah well - it sounds as though you're taking some action and he's hearing you. You've been wanting to do this for a while, and again, I have a feeling that this will more than likely give both of you some room to grow. Just keep at it - something is bound to go right or improve. It HAS to, we're counting on you ;o)!!!

July 8, 2009
9:44 pm
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_anonymous
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Hepburn- Hi. I can relate to your situation with this man, his kids and his X.

He needs to end that situation before he can move on.

He his X and kids are typical of dysfunctional people. They have no boundaries, stay stuck, and bring each other down.

The thing that is so unhealthy for you is the fact that this man is double dealing. He has one foot in your life and the other in theirs. He is playing the classic middle at both ends, riding the fence, etc. The only thing it is going to do is make you feel very very fustrated.

The truth is you have no control over the situation. But, you do have control over your life. This man, his X, his kids and their marathon of BS is not your problem. You are not responsible for him, his children or his X. If you really want to resolve this then simply do not allow it in your life any more and let go. He doesnt need your time, help, or advice he needs to grow up and figure this out on his own.

July 8, 2009
10:32 pm
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MsGuided
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(((Hep)))

Yea I'm reading! ;0)

Nothin I can say now I haven't said before. Shaney's grabbed the torch.hehe

I have to agree with Destiny too. He ain't ready to give you what you deserve!

Just think. You could be married now if it were up to him. AHhhhhhh!

(ok, I'll stop. It's only because i care and want you to be treated to a fully available MAN!)

If he gets his own place it will help him deal with the issues that got him in this mess, and perhaps he'll be more together in due time.

BTW. What is this food allergy? Is he going to be ok? (Stop feeding him Habaneros and tamales eh! ;0))

Thanks for the mentioning my Dad. He was released from Hospital today. Has congestive heart failure and a depressive attitude. These genetics are so great!

I'm just getting back into the swing of work,( hurting a bit due to the time off) filling my spare time with positive social stimulation. I have a lot of my own "processing" going on, and am determined to break the chain.Make happy times last longer.

Enough about me. This is your thread. I'm glad you're opening up again about this and getting some perspective and feedback.

July 9, 2009
12:15 am
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soofoo
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This thread is reminding me that I have always thought that I come here (to this site) to talk to myself.

July 9, 2009
12:40 am
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Hepburn
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Hi Destiny, MsG,

I know you're both RIGHT. I just said to him last night that he's still married in his head. I had my own epiphany last night. You know, when you've just had ENOUGH? Yeah, I know you know what I mean.

Not to be too defensive on my behalf, but when we first started seeing each other the situation wasn't nearly as bad as it is now. At least I just wasn't seeing it. I knew there were problems, but YIKES.

Anyway, guess what? He had his OWN epiphany in therapy today. He realized that he wasn't divorced in HIS head yet. He's been accusing her of not moving on, when in fact HE wasn't moving on. Among other things, he finally has a "mission" or goal or mind set or whatever you want to call it, that he can relate too now. I do have to say tho, me lighting that fire under his ass probably didn't hurt.....He came home tonight with a completely different energy. He was actually happy. It was like this giant cloud was lifted off of him. He was like his old self again. AND he's waiting for a call back regarding an apartment. Wow, what a difference a day makes huh?

I don't want to get my hopes up too much, because it all seems so sudden, but stranger things have happened. I have no doubt that she will test him, so we'll see how he holds up when that happens. Cause you know, she will.

I'm back to separating myself again. But probably only because he's got a different state of mind. So I'm not sure if that counts or not! HA

Holy Cow, MsG, you mentioned the M word! Just the thought makes me cringe.....

Glad your dad is out of the hospital. Not to be a downer, but I have a feeling you'll be seeing that hospital again. He's suffering from a broken heart....Good to hear you're being social. I'm going to blow out of town for 4 days myself.

July 9, 2009
12:57 am
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Hepburn
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Soofoo! I'm sorry, but that post made me LOL! I hope it wasn't something I said. Or didn't say.

If it's any consolation, I feel like that sometimes too!

July 9, 2009
1:02 am
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Hepburn
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Oops, hit send by accident.

At one time, I considered myself "The thread killer". lol

July 9, 2009
1:17 am
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soofoo
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Hep, I didn't mean that anyone had failed to respond to me or anything. I meant that, I say to people, what I want to say to myself.

But I also feel like the new thread killer, LOL.

July 9, 2009
6:06 am
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angelle1
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How do you know the wife is the problem? If he is a grown man and can make his own decisions, then why are YOU trying to tell him what to do? Consider how the children must feel, especially a 13 year old little girl who has to share her daddy's attention with another woman.

July 9, 2009
11:49 am
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Hepburn
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Hi soofoo,

I got ya. It's so easy to give advise to other people (I do it all the time, ha) when we're on the outside looking in. I think "we" think that our problems are "different" then the other people's. The "faces" are different but really the bottom line is the same.

I think that's why reading the different threads is so helpful. But I do have to say, that sometimes I'll read the advise on these threads by people who actually have very valid points, and experience to back it up, but I've also noticed that very rarely do they ever ask for advise. So on that rare occasion when that does happen, it makes me feel like they are human too. Like they can relate. Know what I mean?

July 9, 2009
12:03 pm
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Hepburn
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Hi angelle,

Since I have an appt to get to, I can't get too detailed about your questions, but there is a history about his x and the things she's done (mostly to the kids) that I've posted about on a thread that is no longer visible.

As far as his 13 yr old "sharing" her daddy's attention? She hasn't wanted to see her father or "share" anything WAY before I came into the picture. Her mother made sure of that, and she continues to use their children as a weapon.

As far as me telling him what to do? Maybe I am, but I don't look at it as telling him what to do. He's wanted my support and my opinions. So that's what I've given him. He can do whatever he wants to with that.

But when it comes to how things are starting to really affect me? I'm finally at a point of drawing the line in the sand. So if that's telling him what to do, then I guess I am.

July 9, 2009
12:06 pm
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StronginHim77
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Check out my threads, Hepburn. I am definitely seeking advice.

May be olde, but still need input from others.

: )

Ma Strong

July 9, 2009
6:57 pm
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innerturmoil
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Hey Hep,,
first off sorry you are having problems with ades---
its no good...

If id known this was ur thread,, id have posted sooner πŸ™‚

anyway, im sorry you are in this sit.. u must care about this man,,, but it does sound like ---
idk,,
im trying to figure it out ,, i just
think you are doing the right thing now...
How long have u 2 been together exactly?

maybe he just really wasnt ready to be 'fully' committed to another woman so soon....
-- i know i wouldn't be---

if it were me,, i'd wanna step back and what happens when he moves out πŸ™‚

{{hug}}

July 10, 2009
2:19 am
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Hepburn
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Hi InnerT,

Not to worry about posting.

We've been together for a year and 4 mo. Feels like several lifetimes actually! HA

I think you're right about the commitment part. He thought he was ready, but in his head he wasn't really divorced yet.

But you and I know how difficult it can be when we have kids. My x pulled something on me 5 years ago with our kids (he wouldn't let me talk to them on the phone UNLESS I apologized to HIM for an argument we had gotten into. I probably called him a self-centered pig or something. I don't remember. He kept hanging up on me). I can't tell you how distraught I was. That one incident is nothing compared to what this woman does to him.

At least he's starting to see the light and realizes that he can't control her. He can only control himself.

He's allowed himself to be taken care of for too long. He put the blinders on when it came to her, and just put all of his attention on his kids. Now 20 years later it's biting him in the ass.

Some of my friends that know him now and know us as a couple don't really understand what all the fuss is about. They say, since we love each other and we always want to be together, and he already lives there, why not just leave it that way?

Unfortunately these are the same friends that don't understand what a codependent is. I've tried to explain it to them, but they don't get it. What's funny is that I see a lot of codie traits in them. But I didn't understand it myself, nor did I care until I was 49.

Gawd, how I carry on. lol

July 11, 2009
12:19 pm
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MsGuided
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With codies, the thing is, some codie match ups work. Like my parents. It is mutual and balanced.They make up for eachothers wekaness's. Both accept and have traits that compliment eachother?

It doesn't always work that way.

Being "in love" doesn't make a relationship work. Life is too complicated and demands a lot of us all. I think part of the "system" is aimed at tearing couples apart. There's a lot of mixed messages out there and people get lost.

If a person drops the ball, and doesn't self care it makes having a relationship harder and almost imposssible.

Hep. I think you're just healthier upstairs, and kept most of your life in balance despite the setbacks. Self Care, your kids, friends, career, home and "paying the bills" ( keeping an older car so you can keep a balance?) leisure. The fact you are bothered with Lnf's situation shows you've recovered quite a bit.

JMO>!

Be Well!

July 12, 2009
11:47 am
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Hepburn
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Hi MsG,

That's an interesting concept that I didn't think about. Two codies together can compliment each other. Not sure if "we" do yet or not.

There are two things going on with me. I really do need to accept him the way he is right now. I'm encouraged because he wants to be a better person. But he needs to get his own place for me, I'm the one who needs that. Even though I think it will benefit him A LOT, it's really something I need him to do for me. And I'm not sure if that's ok.

Thanks, MsG, for the encouragement. Sometimes I just don't know what to do or how to feel and if I'm doing the right thing. I just get so tired.

July 12, 2009
8:06 pm
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Lanigirl
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Hey Hepburn,

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like a tricky situation. My friend has dated divorced men with children and has mentioned several of the issues that you're dealing with.

Your last line really stood out to me. I feel the same. I've been working on asking myself more questions because I never stopped and asked about what I needed to do, what exactly would work for me. I've started to use the loveliness stemming from our Coffeehouse. Right in the middle of chaos, I chose to turn off the phone and get a cup of coffee.

July 12, 2009
8:46 pm
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Hepburn
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Hi Lani,

I'm learning from you. "Right in the middle of chaos....." THAT'S exactly what I should do. For some reason, I get so caught up that I forget that's what I can do. Instead I leave town. HA

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