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Hi Sexychoclady
April 6, 2009
8:12 pm
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marypoppins
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Hi. I didn't want to talk more about myself on someone else's thread, and I wanted your feedback on my friendship with that guy. Part of me feels I'm back again in a similar situation wanting more than a man wants to give. I'm also attracted to this guy, but he's not into me in that way. Although he's friendly towards me, I don't think we'll every go "there". I'm not even sure I'd like to, or if it's just a nice fantasy to have since I'm not romantically involved with anyone. Seems difficult to just have a friendship. I've never been involved on a platonic level long enough with any man, who wasn't gay, to really develop a friendship. My relationships that were sexual became so quickly.

It just feels bad sometimes - like I'm back again with a gay friend, wishing he wanted me, or worse, back with my exh, wishing he wanted me. I'm trying to get everything from this guy. I know the right thing is to try to make new friends and meet new people, but it has been such a difficult task trying to have one simple healthy? friendship.

Do you think I'm fooling myself that I have something so different than what I've had before?

Thanks.

Mary

April 6, 2009
8:17 pm
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marypoppins
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I reallly enjoy being around him, and he seems to enjoy being around me, but he's considerably younger and looking for someone to have a family with. It's just not going to happen, but I'm hanging on to my fantasy.

I should probably force myself to stop fantasizing about him, because that just makes it harder for me.

Sort of feeling pathetic right now.

Mary

April 6, 2009
8:26 pm
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marypoppins
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As pathetic as I feel and concerned that there are some similarities to relationships in the past, I do think at least I realize that he's not responsible for my feelings and that my insecurity is my own problem, not his. Yes, I'm lonely, and I'm attracted to him on several different levels, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate that he cares for me as a friend and appreciates me as a person. Why should that be an insult? Does it make me unworthy or unattractive because he doesn't want to date me?

No. I know the answer is no. But I'm not feeling it right now.

Sorry for all the posts.

Mary

April 6, 2009
8:40 pm
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soofoo
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(((mary)))

Post as much as you want.

April 6, 2009
8:48 pm
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marypoppins
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((((soofoo))))

Oh, man. Now I'm crying. Thank you for that hug. That means a lot to me coming from you. I'm sorry for being less than helpful to you - not very big of me at all.

I appreciate you reaching out to me, and I hope you're doing okay. Congratulations on letting go and trying to stay "sober". It's so tough. You deserve peace and happiness.

Mary

April 6, 2009
8:59 pm
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PreciousG
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Aww (((Mary))))

You are so sweet.

April 6, 2009
8:59 pm
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marypoppins
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I'm trying so hard to do the right thing these days, but that has meant having very little contact with my parents, which has caused my sisters to distance from me. My teenaged daughter is usually with her friends, and I haven't felt that safe giving personal information on this forum in a while. There are friendships I could pursue, but sometimes I feel too lonely and weird for people. Or too selfish. Or too needy. Too afraid to make any kind of promise to someone.

Mostly, I still think I have a while to go to really learn how to be happy on my own and not try to get my needs met from other people.

April 6, 2009
9:01 pm
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marypoppins
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((((Precious G))))

You're sweet, too!

April 6, 2009
9:04 pm
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PreciousG
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Mary,

You seem very anxious right now. Just take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

April 6, 2009
9:04 pm
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PreciousG
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What do you need rihgt now?

April 6, 2009
9:13 pm
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marypoppins
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Thank you, PreciousG. I'm breathing. I'm grading papers, my daughter will be home soon, and I'm going to take a long hot shower and use delicious smelling salt scrub. It's the little things, sometimes, right? My tears were tears of relief because I was harboring some negative feelings, and I let them go. Posting here tonight has been helpful.

I feel less alone with you and Soofoo responding. This community means a lot to me, and I think I shouldn't let my worry about anonymity keep me from posting. I don't have anything to be ashamed of.

I'm looking forward to getting back into an exercise routine. It will help me deal with stress. I read that you wrote on another thread that you're still running. That's great.

Is all well with you?

Mary

April 6, 2009
9:22 pm
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marypoppins
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PreciousG,

As I look at these papers, I see that some of these students need extra attention, so I must focus on that. Also, I work with great people who I can reach out to in small ways. It's just a matter of learning new skills and trusting myself. In my past, I connected with people through drinking, drugs, sex, shared crazy family experiences - never thought I could just have "normal" experiences.

Mary

April 6, 2009
9:28 pm
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PreciousG
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I am glad that you felt that you could share here and you are feeling relieved.

I am very much like you. I hold things in until I bust then I say what the heck and I post and I feel so much better afterwards. I try so hard to fix things myself. But I realize there are times when we need others to help us along.

I am doing ok. Yes, I am still running. As a matter of fact I am running in 10k this Saturday. IA m so excited! I have tried to run in this race so many times in past but something was always getting in the way. Not this year though! I can hardly wait! I am doing this just for me. This is the first time I have really done anything JUST for me. Wow! Just writing that is scary. I don't think that I have really done anything just for me. Wow! It feels really strange. Anyway, I so looking forward to this race!

Good for you for treating yourself to a hot shower with great smelling salt scrubs!

Exercise is important. I feel so much better when I exercise. I didn't run today as the wind was howling too much for me. I really miss it when I am not able to go. I really feel a sense of accomplishment when I exercise. I love to sweat and work off my stress!

I hope that you enjoy long hot shower. Keep posting as much as you wnat or need. We are here for you.

((((Mary)))

PreciousG

April 6, 2009
9:38 pm
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soofoo
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(((((Mary)))))

You have my forgiveness and respect, 100 percent. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I feel your love. You also deserve the very best, my friend.

I don't think you are weird, selfish or needy. I think you are sensitive, intelligent and very funny.

April 6, 2009
9:42 pm
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marypoppins
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Woo hoo, PreciousG, on your 10k run. That is fantastic! You're inspirational. Take care and thank you again for posting. I'll look for your post on Saturday or Sunday about the run. Again, good for you for doing something just for yourself.

Hugs!

Mary

April 6, 2009
9:47 pm
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soofoo
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I think it's okay to need people. We are social creatures. No man is an island.

Maybe it's a problem when we need something from someone who can't or doesn't want to fulfill that need.

April 6, 2009
9:54 pm
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marypoppins
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(((((Soofoo)))))

What a terrific post. All of those wonderful adjectives right back at you. And I want to add that I appreciate your courage to be true to yourself. It does come through in your posts that you know and value yourself, and your often poetic and passionate posts indicate that you want to live your life fully. I have not fully embraced the fuck-you-world-if-you-don't-like-it-but-I'm-going-to-be-me attitude that you seem to have, but I'm working on it.

Thank you again, Soofoo. You've given me a great gift tonight.

Mary

April 6, 2009
9:57 pm
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soofoo
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Now I am crying, Mary. You are so special. Thank you.

April 6, 2009
10:15 pm
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marypoppins
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You're welcome, sweetie. Signing off now. All the best!

Mary

April 7, 2009
12:30 am
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sexychoclady
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Hey Mary i am so glad the ladies were here for you tonite. I swear i love this site. And i am glad you kept posting. You had something to say. I don't feel i can offer much feed back beause i am not in a healthy relationship. In fact not even dating........... So i have no experience.That is why i always lift you up,because you(have) are traveling the path, and I am steping in your foot prints.From what I have read a lot of the same issues you have.I will rise to the same challenges. So i am proud of your walk.

Tonite it seems like you were lonely,and started thinking too much.The strained family relationship,and the one with your friend.

My feed back is to re evaluate your principles about what it will take for you to stop looking and be happy with someone.

I am concern about the fantasy part.Already you have told me you guys are not on the same page. He appreciates( but not feeling you) You on the other hand could go either way.If he, wants more then this changes the dynamics? What about what you want. He wants children you dont..Don't allow yourself to get emotionally connected. If you are, you may need to step back and regroup. He is what i would call a Mr right now,or Mr meantime. You not suppose to fall for these guys.

Now if you are gonna play the game.(i feel he should be viewed as someone that is there to teach you something) The minute you cross that line, and add color to the picture your alarm is ringing loud! Pay attention!!!!!!!

It seems a little like you might be settling if you took it to the next level.. And he is not worthy of your love and affection,he is unavailable.

I believe what's in your heart too. I think every word is true. Why question your higher self? I am told to learn to trust it. No room for self doubt. The core of the problem seems to be dealing with being alone.

I think you should stay on your toes. And stay focus on why you allow him in your world. Because clearly you know you want and deserve better. That is why you are questioning yourself. Aint a dam thing wrong with you. It is when we sqeeze into situations and stop honoring ourselfs. The pain jumps. right there and of course we bring the bat out. So be true to you.

April 7, 2009
11:54 am
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atalose
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(((Marypoppins)))

I’ve been working some crazy night hours and have only been able to jump on for short periods during the day. I barley make my way down farther then the first few posts on this site. I need some time to catch up but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about all of you!!!!

I think it’s great you are beginning to open up on here. I know I say this all the time but here goes again: relationships are like triggers for us codies much like alcohol is a trigger for alcoholics. Dating causes us codies great anxiety just like walking into a bar would for a newly sober alcoholic. Like a bee to honey us codies are drawn to the wrong people. People who can never meet our needs! You are attracted to this young guy and that attraction keeps you engaged with him even though you already know he doesn’t share the same feelings. Us codies have difficulty with platonic friendships with men especially men we are attracted to.

You mentioned you are trying to get everything from this guy, what is everything?

You said you understand he is not responsible for your feelings, but I have a feeling that deep down you are hurt because he doesn’t want to date you. That hurt brings about allot of other thoughts such as not be attractive enough, not worth enough, feeds your insecurity even more.

Like a recovering crack head can’t be in a crack house hanging out with old friends, recovering codies can’t be “near relationships” especially with men who they are attracted to.

Platonic or not I think your attraction to this guy is a good enough reason for you to pull away and resolve some more issues on your own.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 9, 2009
10:56 pm
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marypoppins
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((((Sexy and Atalose))))

Thank you both for your responses and encouragement to pay attention to my codependency issues. I cannot avoid seeing my friend because we work together. Besides, we're good friends, and he's funny, smart, sweet and respectful to me. It feels great to have someone to count on and trust.

We've known each other for a while now, and I'm getting better at accepting the boundaries that are there. Although at times I get down about him not being interested in more than a friendship, and I struggle with the feelings of insecurity that triggers, I'm usually able to just enjoy the friendship. That's life, after all. I can't expect every man I'm into to be into me - although I don't see how anyone can resist me? 😉 One day soon, I'm going to learn how to date, and with that will come learning how to deal with the rejection that will naturally be part of that. And with more work on myself, I hope to get to the point where I don't cling to every guy who gives me some attention.

Partly I'm drawn to friend because he's very attractive, in addition to the other qualities I mentioned, and he "listens" to me and "gets" me. We've gotten pretty close but done so by talking through things and trying to understand one another. I know that his "unavailablity" is also part of the draw and a trigger.

I need to push myself to continue to work on myself and to build friendships with others. Also, I will work on staying rooted in reality and not allow myself to slip into fantasizing and fueling my frustration.

The friendship has given me the opportunity to set boundaries and to practice new skills.

The good in this case outweighs the bad. Thank you for letting me share and for responding to my posts.

Mary

April 12, 2009
1:05 pm
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marypoppins
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My friend came over the other day, and I realized I was looking at him more objectively. With the goal of staying rooted in reality, I opened up to him more as a friend, with less concern about winning his affection. It's already clear from his actions that he genuinely cares about me as a friend.

Posting here and getting such wonderful support and feedback helped me to sort out my issues and do more of what I need to do to continue applying new skills and moving forward in recovery.

Thanks and love to all who responded to me on this thread,

Mary

April 12, 2009
1:27 pm
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PreciousG
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((((Marypoppins)))

April 12, 2009
1:40 pm
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atalose
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Mary,

Something you mentioned in your post……I hope to get to the point where I don’t cling to every guy who gives me some attention. That is something I have been dealing with with one of my friends. She has been divorced from an alcoholic for 3 years and any guy who gives her attention she falls in love with. She’s been deeply hurt by a guy who lives in her complex that she fell head over heals in love with. The problem is he’s been in a long term relationship for like 12 years and has some issues with drug abuse.

She began talking to him when she would run into him at the mailbox or our in the parking lot. She found out he was involved with AA and then picked his brain on her ex husband. She was interested in al-anon and he said he would find out some meeting locations for her so she gave him her phone #. He called her with the info and since she then had his phone # she began calling him all the time. Often he would not accept her phone calls as he didn’t want trouble with his GF. My friend keep at it and one night she saw his GF leaving so she called him, she said he sounded funny and wasn’t making much sense but he talked to her for a while. She then started texting him and telling him how much she cared about him, how handsome he was and how much she wished she was with him. I think he liked the attention as well and often told her how she would make someone happy one day. Well, long story short, she keep after him, he sent her a text one night saying don’t let ur ex get to you, lov ya. She was over joyed that he said that. The next day she told him on the phone how much she loved him with all her heart and he was like, what? Don’t say that, you don’t even know me, why would you say something like that? She said because you told me you loved me last night. He then apologized and said he didn’t mean it like that and that he was also abusing pain medication and wasn’t in his right mind. He then said he felt they needed to stop talking because he loved his GF very much and didn’t want her getting hurt. My friend was devastated and wouldn’t accept that. My friend then confronted his GF with the text message he had sent, I think hoping to break them up so she would have a clear path to him, but it back fired on her because he had already told his GF everything. Now my friend is hell bent on revenge because she is so hurt.

I can’t get her to see that she invested far more into this guy then she should have. That he told her he loved his GF, that he had no plans on leaving his GF and that he was abusing drugs when he said the love ya thing. She won’t talk to me now because she feels I am not on her side and I don’t understand how he made her feel, how much he cared about her, etc. etc. She obsesses about him, watches out her window to see them both coming and going and it’s eating her alive. I know I can’t help her but it’s so frustrating to see someone doing this to themselves.

I can tell you are far more along in your recovery and if remaining friends with him is going to work for you I trust you do know what you are doing. New skills are always a wonderful way to approach life, picking up new tools along the way and actually using them.

(((Mary)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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