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Hi, I'm new...Can anyone please read & give me input??
February 22, 2006
1:12 pm
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shutterbug
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Hello, I am not sure that I am in the right place... But a friend mentioned I may have issues with co-dependancy and I think she might be right.

I have a boyfriend who is addicted to pills and is currently in treatment for this out of state. We have had many struggles but I have stayed with him throughout all of this when I am well aware that most people would have fled. I went to go see him this past weekend and we sort of had an arguement. You see, I wanted to know if I was wasting my time..if this will all be worth something etc.. He was just so confused. I think I worded it all wrong too. It all poured out. I told him that I don't want to be 2nd in his life. That he put me behind pills before and I want to be first when he's clean. I don't really remember much of what we said just petty BS, but we ended up breaking up for about ten minutes. I know that sounds dumb, but we have never even come close to that, even when he was going through so much and we lived together. I love him deeply, and I hope that my actions reflect that. However, I just want to know if I will be getting back any of that positive energy I have always put forth in our relationship. We ended our weekend on a good note, and he has yet to call me..it's been about three days. I am growing more and more frustrated and upset as the days go by. I am in a state of depression almost..I could barely even get up to workout, and come to work today. And I am mostly happy.. despite what has happened, I have kept my cool normally. Now I find myself crying, even at work. What's wrong with me? I get manic too.. like I called him 8 times in a row very early this morning, and then the phone was suddenly busy so I'm afraid they took it off the hook (the patients share a room with a "roommate" and they have their own extension in there) i know I could be making myself crazy over nothing..but I might as well find out if I have issues myself. Do any one of you have an opinion on this? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

February 22, 2006
1:23 pm
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kathygy
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shutterbug,

I can understand wanting some answers to your questions but I think the timing is off.

When someone is indergoing treatment for an addiction that has to be their priority. I don't think your bf is in a position to answer any of your questions. All kinds of issues are coming up for him while he's working on his addiction. He can't focus on you or your relationship at this time. Give him the space to work on himself without pressure from you.

The fact that your feelings are dependent on what's happening with your bf is very codependent. Take this time to work on you and take the focus off your bf. He may not be in the place right now to talk to you. Just don't take it personally.

I suggest that you try attending some coda meetings and read up on codependency.

February 22, 2006
1:35 pm
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shutterbug
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thank you kathy...

you're so right. part of the reason i do want to talk to him so bad is so that i can apologize for putting pressure on him. but i suppose i can just wait for him to call me. i feel terribly.. all i want is for him to be well, and youre right, it was the wrong time.

i will look into some books. i went into barnes and noble yesterday to try to find some, but i got embarrassed and left. haha

February 22, 2006
1:35 pm
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my fault
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You came to the right place. Your boyfriend is taking care of his problem right now and he may not be able to take care of the relationship at the moment. You sound scared that if you invest time into him once again you both will slide back into the same old pattern. When we are scared we make demands but I do not believe he can give you any assurance at the moment. I would say give him space and concentrate on you. I am telling you this because I am going thru some tuff times now with my husband and I have to step back and take care of myself. We always want to fix the problem but we have no control. I read a book "Codependent No More" a few years ago, I am in the process of re reading this again for my problems. You might want to check that book out. Take Care.

February 22, 2006
1:45 pm
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taj64
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Shutterbug, read the book mentioned on codepedency No More by Melody Beattie. I get all my books from the library. It is not as embarrassing. Kathy is right, focus on you right now. It is not healthy to become fixated on him and feeling sick, depressed and anxious. It is at time for you to figure out you while he is gone helping himself. Two healthy people togehter make a good relationship.

February 22, 2006
1:56 pm
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shutterbug
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thank you myfault and taj64,

i will look into that book. maybe order it online hehe. i always sort of thought i had these issues..& i'm glad now i am not alone!

it is very hard to keep feeling like my life depends on another person making me happy. i feel trapped at times...i am only happy when things are great between us. i try to focus on me especially since he's been gone.. but since we've had that setback, i have moped around waiting for his call and just worried worried worried about the outcome. i almost ran a red light yesterday without even realizing what i was doing!!!!

February 22, 2006
1:59 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey Shutterbug, is there anything loving that you can do for yourself in the mean time? It's hard to watch someone we love go through hard times, even when they are necessary for coming through to a healthier and happier place. Maybe on your way back from the library to pick up the book that Taj mentioned you could treat yourself to something, like a massage (it's so worth the splurge) or a cup of cocoa and sit in a park you've never visited. It feels really good to your body and soul to do something different and caring for *yourself*.

February 22, 2006
3:28 pm
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taj64
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I can remember times when I probably put myself in danger without even realizing it because I was so focused on another person. I once ran a red light and was oblivious to it and once I realized I had done that I was shaken up. I can think back and realize that I created a lot of my own craziness. Now that i am forced to focus on me, it was hard to pull back up. It really is a process and I get great advice on this site. Yes treat yourself to something peaceful and place where you think about you, your inner peace, something relaxing. You'd be surprised at how good you feel after doing such a thing. Also for me I felt really anxious over things I had no control over, and I mean serious anxiety, crying in the car on the way home, pacing a lot, not knowing what to do with myself, etc. I have been on an antidepressant and believe me it really helps me. It helped me through a tough time. Im still on it and I will stay on it. The doctor said it would be good idea even though things are better for me now to stay on it at least another year or even two. I went through the biggest ordeal of my life and recovery is very important to me so my body needs this. have you thought about if you need this avenue since you say you struggle with depression etc. It doesn't take it away but it can help you to focus better and handle anxiety etc. Just a suggestion though.

February 22, 2006
4:00 pm
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kathygy
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shutterbug,

why is it embarassing for you to buy a book that may well help you grow and feel better about yourself?

Do you feel embarassed about being codependent?

Its very important to feel comfortable with yourself and not worry about what other people might or might not think. When you worry about other people you are giving your power away.

Many, many people have bought this book probably including some of the people in the bookstore!

love,
kathy

February 22, 2006
4:03 pm
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shutterbug
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thanks gingerleigh,

i am looking at different avenues of meditation... its so hard for me to focus. this morning i left the gym before i even finished my workout because i absolutely had to try to call him again, even though i couldnt reach him. then i bawled to my dad about it. this has to stop...i can't believe how weak i feel and i don't even know if there's bad news coming!

taj--i have thought about anti-depressants for some time now. the thing is my depression is very mild. i'd say i get more anxious than anything...especially under the "circumstances" i'm in right now. my boyfriend is currently in treatment for pill abuse, anxiety AND depression..as well as other unresolved issues.. so i am not fond of medications. i'm sure they can work great for some people, but i am definitely scared of them. thanks for the suggestion though!

February 22, 2006
4:29 pm
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shutterbug
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kathy,

yes i am embarrassed that i may just have this, because i feel like (PLEASE don't take offense) this would be a weakness about me. maybe it's just how i am feeling right now that makes me more embarrassed and vulnerable.. because physically i even feel weak..this is majorly messing with my emotions in a huge way.

February 22, 2006
4:45 pm
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taj64
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I was just suggesting at the possibility because many medications are geared specifically for anxiety. You seem to be suffering from this more than anything. If you cannot complete normal task and are not focused and it sounds as if you are anxious. I just now got off trazedone which is specially for anxiety and help me sleep. I took this for about 6 months now. And I don't need to be on it. But I still am taking antidepressant. There is not anything embarrasing about taking antidepressants. Is there a possibility that you don't want to take them because your BF is addcited to pills and you could get hooked? I didnt suffere severe depression and I was always one to not want to take them but it has made a difference for me. Every case and every person is different. Even you are different than your boyfriend. Take care of your needs first.

February 22, 2006
6:34 pm
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shutterbug
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taj,

i thank you for your suggestion...and yes i am partially scared of meds because of my bf. maybe it will be something i can consider, i think first and foremost maybe i can talk to a counselor about all of this before it gets out of hand. more than anything, i want to pick up that phone and talk to him... but i guess the best thing is to wait patiently for him to come around...

February 22, 2006
8:09 pm
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peacefulandfree
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Hi shuuterbug. I Am not a doctor but I am definiylty co-dependent. When I obsesses about my addict boyfriend, My head goes a mile a minute. My thoughts race and race.I cant concentrate and sleep is out of the question. I was told by someone to ask God to remove the obsession.Well I thought she was crazy.She also asked me to ask God to show me that I am truly powerless over Bfs addiction. Well I really didnt want to feel crazy anymore so I just did it. It helped me so much. I feel peace inside of my head today.I too look to people to make me happy. When I truly believed that I was co-dependent I was ashamed. Because we as codeps are so hard on ourselves. Take it easy on yourself. Being aware of this is the first step now you can change it. Also as a recovering addict myself, nobody comes before my recovery. Take care, Meg

February 23, 2006
9:18 am
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shutterbug
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UPDATE:

well he finally called, and my gut instinct was right ... bad news.

basically he had all these tests done and everyone agrees he should go to an aftercare program. everyone also agrees he should leave me. and he has. supposedly because all he wants to do is come home to me and he's scared that'll be the case when he's gone. he needs to focus on himself.

i guess i need to focus on myself too but i have been crying for almost 24 hours and i can't figure anything out. nothing is rational to me, even though everyone has explained it to me a dozen times. i'm sure this situtation is better because he's not cheating hes not being a jerk, it is a genuine, 'it's not you its me' scenerio. so why does it hurt so bad? now is the painful process of separating our things (we lived together for a while)..and never knowing if he will ever love me again.. and being stuck in love with someone........

i know he will avoid me for a few days because that was probably really hard for him to do... but i'm so lost now. i guess that's my 'co-dependency' talking. i would've loved him forever, and i can't really say that about anyone else.

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