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Hi I am new to here and would like to tell you a little about myself (sorry for the length of it)
June 4, 2007
3:37 pm
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needinmoreanswers
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Hello, I am a 30-something year old woman who has had a rough life. Myself being my biggest demon of all. I was brought into this world by a young, naive, scared mother (she was 21 when she had me but a very naive and simple-minded). My sperm donor was a jerk who didn't want to get trapped by a woman he didn't love so denied being the father and married his high school sweetheart. I was raised by my single mother and my grandmother whose husband had passed. They moved from way out in the country to closer to town country and raised me together in a subdivision instead of on a farm. The rest of my family, my moms brothers and sisters and their children, they had their own opinions about me. I was the bastard child who was not worhty of their praise only their strict guidance or their pity depending which ones it came from. So from the very beginning I have always felt like an outsider. always trying to fit in and be liked by others and had to prove my worthiness to people to be accepted. As I got older things got worse. When I was 10 this guy my mom had been dating for a good while finally decided to take an interest in me and allowed my mom to start bringing me around. By the time I was turning 11 I was figuring out this guy was a jerk but my mom was to naive and brainwashed to see it. He told big stories about being someone important that could make things happen. I would lay awake at night under the kitchen table and listen to him brainwash my mom into letting her have sex with me. He would tell her that I needed to know these things so I wouldn't be curious and make a mistake and get pregnant like she did and have to raise her kid fatherless. Needless to say that it finally worked and he got his way including having my mom present to make me feel comfortable with the process. I screamed and cried and begged for it not to happen and he forced himself on me anyway. My mom tried to stop him but to late and when she told him he would not ever touch me again he said she had no choice. She was part of the process and would go donw with him if she went to the cops and if she tried to leave him he would have us killed and noone would suspect a thing. So this went on for 2 years til my mom overdosed on some prescription medicine and I finally stood up to him to save my mom's life. In the hospital after she was okay I told her to leave him or I would have myself put in foster care. By then I figured out he was full of bs and finally strong enough to stand up and move on. I did just that we got away from him and life went on. No counseling, no speaking about it, just moved on. Bad relationship after another, several of them taken away by the cops. I went the wrong way. I thought I was good only for my body, then learned how to use my body for getting what i wanted. I married young the first time and for the wrong reasons. My grandmother thought I should and I respected her opinion. I married him she died 2 months later and he started beating me. I took the emotional, mental, and physical abuse til my first anniversary then once again found the couraged and walked. This time a very good friend of mine pointed me in the direction of therapy and counsleing and I started my journey of self discorvery and trying to get past my childhood but only focusing on the abuse and my marriage not going back farther yet. Four years later I met my second husband. Very charming and sweet, only downfall was he was a "good acoholic" he loved his beer but he loved me to or so he convinced me. He had a daughter that I just adored. While we were together I found out that I wasn't suppose to be able to have kids without fertility drugs or surgery. His child grew even more important to me. We got married in my case mainly because of her. I wanted her to be mine as much as possible. His drinking got wore after we married. Nothing I did was good enough. We never had enough money for what he wanted. We had sex 4 times the whole year and a half we were together married and after the last year of it being that I slept alone every night and was rejected by my husband every way possible. Our friends got more attetion from him than I did. I ended up cheating on him when a guy at work made a pass at me. I ask for a divorce shortly after cause i could not live with the guilt. I will have to suffer that one for the rest of my life for my betrayal in my eyes it is wrong and yet I still did it. I moved out of the state when I asked for a divorce and tried to start over. Learned alot about myself and who I was, earned a little self respect and self esteem became happier with my life. Met a man fell head over heals quick. It was a perfect relationship. Never fought, got along great had a lot in common, I wasn't afraid to try new things and become a part of his life. Then one day out of the blue it was over he didnt want a relationship and I had to move out. Life after that fell apart. Had to move 11 times in 6 months and when things looked like they were finally gonna be ok I lost everything again so I moved back closer to home and things gradually just fell apart. I was diagnosed by the state with major depression and uncabable of working and I have worked everyday of my life since I was 15 years old. I was at the end of my chain. couldn't get no worse. And the crap of it all is that thourgh all the tings I have been thourgh in my life I couldnt leave this earth under my own will because i couldn't do that to the ones that actually love me. God saved me by allowing me to get pregnant. i brought a child into this world in worse shape than I came into. I knew nothing but his fathers first name and that he drove a late mode 80's 2 tone bronco and I was still jobless and living on my friends couch. I moved back home to my mom who is now helping me along with a life long friend to raise my son. All I want is to give him the best life I can give and if I am lucky maybe find a good father for him. My luck sucks when it comes to men and relationships and making life choices. I know I am a depressed, co-dependent,and only god knows what else I have on my plate to deal with yet but I realize I cannot do it alone and I am hoping here is where I can get the support I need to help myself build a better life for my son and myself. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I promise to try to make it shorter on the future.

June 4, 2007
3:53 pm
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loverbee
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hello there. Welcome. Life stories arent supposed to be short.haha. anyway, this site is very good for support and to try to work through the problems. I would say that right now, you should work on being ok being with just you and without a mate because if you always rely on someone else to make you happy, then it will always end. I think this is the perfect time for you to start falling in love with yourself. Whatever we can help with though I am sure we will all try.

June 4, 2007
3:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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welcome!

thanks for sharing your story.

It seems like you know where all this started - which is a good first step.

Are you in counseling now? For your son's sake, I would recommend it.

I, too, had a surprise pregnancy...which turned my life into something worth living.

Things happen for a reason.

I wouldn't say you have bad "luck" in relationships...you are living what you learned - in that mom taught you what you are living now....sorry to say. You did the best you could with what you knew.

But there IS better.

It sounds like you realize that counseling has to go further back than just the recent past. So maybe it's time to dive in?

I believe you CAN give your son a better life...given the start you had, you may need some serious counseling to turn things around and break the cycle...but I believe it can be done...I KNOW it can be done.

Once again, welcome.

PS...I would highly recommend staying out of any relationship until you can tackle some therapy...otherwise, you may get stuck in yet another bad cycle again. And this time, your son may be involved.

I know that I brought my daughter into my own cycle of insanity...I can't change what I did, but am trying to teach her better. But it's hard...kids learn by example, by watching...and my actions weren't stellar...by no means were they AWFUL...but not very healthy.

Don't start your son off on the wrong foot...and don't date with the purpose of finding him a dad. He is better off without a dad than a long string of men who break promises and drop out of his life.

June 4, 2007
4:03 pm
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needinmoreanswers
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Thanks for the welcome and the advice. Yes I know I need to love myself and not to drag man after man into my sons life. I will not do that to him. I am not just looking for a daddy either. I won't settle for having someone I want the right one or no one at all. But I understand what you are saying.

June 4, 2007
4:35 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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Trust me, I swore the same thing.

And maybe you will do a better job than I did.

I know that my INTENT was not to do this...but as history would show, I did bring more than a few men into her life that broke her heart.

See, dating as a single mom is HARD.

You find men you fall for, they say they are ready for the family thing, you let down your guard and let them meet your son. He gets attached, then whamo, the guy runs for the hills for one reason or the other.

I found that I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men. That I rushed too quickly. I would fall for them saying they wanted what I was offering and the ready made family. I didn't take my time to really get to see them inside and out, without involving my daughter. She was part of the package, so I reasoned that she should know him, and get along with him and that he should know what he is in for.

Most of them stuck around for a while...but in the end, they weren't the kind of guys I could be with forever.

So, my intent was to not subject her to alot of men...and in many ways I didn't....it was only a few long term relationships that died badly. But still, she got attached, hoped for a daddy out of it and then was let down.

Had I fixed my emotional issues BEFORE dating, I may have been better off.

BUT - I didn't KNOW I had them until they started failing and I was left wondering why.

Good luck to you...sounds like you are on the right track.

June 4, 2007
5:37 pm
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needinmoreanswers
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I really like to think I am on the right track. I almost think that lately I have been to harsh in my judgements is all. I have not been in a serious relationship since the last one I had spoke about. That ended in November of 2003. I have refused to allow anyone get close to me. I did try dating but always ended things after the first date because I found something wrong with them. It's only been recently that I have thought about trying again and so far it seems to be going the same way. are there no decent guys left that are willing to be friends and talk and get to know each other. It would be nice just to have a friend that I can take the time to get to know. I just don't understand the dating world anymore. i don't understand why men have to try to fill your head with a bunch of nonsense just to get you to like them then change their tune. Would I really just be better off to give up completely and not allow any man into my life? and is it really fair to my son to deny him the chance of having a father? or is he better off growing up watching his mom shut off the intimate part of life altogether?

June 4, 2007
7:37 pm
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StronginHim77
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needinmore -

You will know when the "right" man comes into your life. He WILL begin as a friend. He will listen. He will not push or rush you. He will treat you with growing respect and affection over a sustained period of time, BEFORE trying to jump into bed with you.

He will be steady, protective, honest and kind. He will give you plenty of time.

Yes, you will know him by his ACTIONS. Actions always speak louder than words.

I am glad that you are focusing on yourself right now. It is certainly time. You have suffered incredible abuse...even betrayal by your mother. A mother is supposed to (literally) DIE, rather than let her child be harmed. So, you will have to face the grief and anger of acknowledging how your mother failed to protect you from that man. She put having a man in her life over you...and that is an serious issue which many of us have had to face.

It can be done. You are taking the first steps by reaching out on these threads. I am really proud of you. Sharing our childhood traumas and losses is very painful and scary. And you have done it. It really helps, getting it out in black & white.

I would also encourage you to begin journaling. You could just keep posting here on your thread and print out your postings. Save them. I guarantee you will see tremendous growth and recovery, as the months pass.

Welcome to our AAC family!

- Ma Strong

June 4, 2007
8:14 pm
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thumkin
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needinmore-

welcome to this site. I agree with ma strong. you should journal. either with a pen and paper or on this site. It will not only give you a reference to look onto to see your progress with time but it could also help you to see things you are not seeing with just thinking.

When you become a stronger, more independent, more in love with yourself person you will have a much easier time finding an honest man to share your life with.

Did you say how old your son is now?

June 5, 2007
10:28 am
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risingfromtheashes
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needinmore....as long as you have something to clear up from the past, I think you will continue to "attract" the same types.

Meaning, like attracts like...healthy attracts healthy.

So, getting yourself into a healthy mindset, will help you attract healthy, like minded guys.

You may not feel "needy" but something you say or do may put off those signals...which attracts guys who like to move too fast, talk a good game and only want one thing.

YES, there are good guys out there.

A good guy will take things slow, get to know you over long period of time, not want to rush physical intimacy and will not rush into anything.

Do you have hobbies? Getting out and getting "a life" outside of "single mom sitting at home wiht kid" is a great way to become an "interesting" person who has alot to bring to the table. It will also help you meet like minded people who have similar interests....it doesn't have to be expensive....going to library, exercising in the park, volunteering, dance classes, music classes, college courses, art classes, hobbies, etc.

I wouldn't give up hope and I think that yeah, your son could benefit from having a male role model...but even then, it could be a friend of the family, not just a partner of yours...I think you can raise a healthy son without a man if a man is only going to make things worse in the long run.

I think you should be well rounded and healthy...adn yeah, denying intimacy may make you unhappy and an unhappy momma is not a good one.

It's all about balance.

have you considered further counseling?

June 5, 2007
1:57 pm
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bhhunt
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OH YES I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I MARREID MUCH TOO EARLY AND QUICKLY. MY FAHTER DIED AND HE WAS MY ROCK, AND 3 MONTHS LATER I WAS MARREID TO A MAN I MET A WEEK AFTER MY FAATHER DIED. I GOT A DAUGHTER, AND ST. BENRARD OUT OF THE DEAL, BUT THAT WAS ABOUT IT. THEN I TURN AROUND AND GET INVOLVED IMMEDIATLEY WITH ANOTHER MAN. 3 BEAUTIFUL SONS, BUT ALOT OF HEARBREAK, AND EVERY TYPE OF ABUSE YOU CAN THINK OF, BUT BECAUSE OF THE KIDS I STUCK IT OUT FOR 23 YEARS. I THEN WENT TOTALLY WITHOUT MEN FOR 4 YEARS AND FOUND THE PERFECT MAN. THAT DID NOT CURE ME, AS PEOPLE WILL SEE ON MY OTHER POST HERE. BUT HE IS STANDING BEHIND ME, AND LOVES ME DEEPLY.

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