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HI FRIENDS, WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK ABOUT THIS?
February 23, 2007
6:54 am
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santino
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I have this friend that I've known for a few years now, or shall I say shes a friend of a friend. This last weekend we really hit it off. We were flirting all weekend and tonight we kept on flirting. Our mutual friend tells me she likes me and I tell the mutual friend that I think shes pretty and all that stuff. We said our goodbyes tonight and all I can kept thinking of our next meeting.

Shes very beautiful and she challenges me like no woman has ever done. I consider myself to be very sarcastic, witty and clever. She matches me. The problem is, I'm still getting over my ex. Shes moved on and is far away from me, shes gone and its time for me to move on. My fears is I'll start to compare. The truth is, I dont think my ex compare to to this one. My fears is I'll fall in love and she'll break my heart.

She knows my ex-wife and I'm woundering if that'll hold back our chances. Tonight when we called it a night we just hugged and said our goodbyes. I'm taking it very slow, maybe a little to slow. Shes not really rushing it ether, I just hope I don't miss something that could have been something, by me being so slow. What do you all think?

February 23, 2007
8:32 am
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CAMER
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take it slow...don't rush into anything....start off as friends that's it.

it's not fair to her, cuz Santino, you did say you are still getting over your ex...and until you are "over" your ex, this new girl can just be a "replacement" so to speak.

Deal with the issue on hand first, taking time to get over the ex, and just being frineds only with women....once you are over the ex, whether it takes a month or 6 months, then you know you are ready to date.

Good luck!!! you handsome devil!!!

February 23, 2007
9:27 am
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revelation
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To be honest Santino...having followed your story...well, I am going to be really really honest...I hope that this doesn't hurt but its only my opinion.

I think its much too soon for you to be even considering dating anyone at the moment.

I think you are nowehere near over your ex.

I believe that you are still stuck in a rut....its the same rut you were in with the last girl. Again this is only my opinion...but I think that you are quite simply desperately striving to be accepted by any woman...I think any woman that pays you attention you will put on a pedestel....and I think that until you have sorted out the problems with your self esteem and self acceptance you will drift from relationship to relationship making the same mistakes...just my opinion.

You are a great guy with lots to offer the right girl, but the right girl is simply not going to come along while you are still hurting over your ex...your emotions must be all over the place...how could you possibly be clear-headed enough to figure out if this girl is right for you?

Give yourself a rest from dating until you have sorted yourself out Santino...otherwise I fear you will do more damage to your self esteem by setting out on this path to find the perfect woman....the perfect woman is not going to be attracted to a guy with low self-esteem...its just not going to happen. And low self-esteem is what I believe you to be suffering from, you may go on about what a great person you are, but I don't think that you truly believe that just yet...I believe you need to do more work before you reach that stage.

Oh I can just hear the backlash I'm going to get from this one...but I don't care, I'm entitled to my opinion.

Rev.

February 23, 2007
9:33 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I don't think you are ready either.

If you have to question it, you already know the answer.

Don't make plans to hook up with her.

IF you are at a friends and bump into her, enjoy her company, but don't "plan" it.

Get to know her from "afar".

If it's right, it will WAIT.

February 23, 2007
10:10 am
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Rasputin
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Continue seeing her as a "Friend" no strings attached. Let time & circumstances reveal to you whether or not she is Mrs. Right.

All the best in this new relationship! R

February 23, 2007
11:42 am
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StronginHim77
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I think I remember you sharing once (and I may be mistaken - midlife amnesia keeps hitting me at the worst moments), but didn't you say that you always went from a broken relationship, straight into another one? In short, you have never done a stretch of time on your own where you felt COMFORTABLE being alone. I think that is very important for all of us recovering codependents...learning to be content as single people with no one special in our lives. It isn't easy, but it is very healthy and the best possible preparation for a new, HEALTHY relationship down the road.

We need to join up with someone new out of mutual attraction, trust and enjoyment, not NEED.

You will be the best judge of what is in your heart right now. Go with whatever your heart tells you.

- Ma Strong

February 23, 2007
11:44 am
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atalose
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Keep seeing her as a friend and build on that. Your already planning ahead of the natural process of getting to know someone. Your already planning on sabatoging anything with her because you are already planning on comparing her to your ex and falling in love.

You have known "of her" for years but you don't really know her at all. Why don't you take time to get to know her instead of worrying about taking things to slow or falling in love. Do you see how your thinking is already doing you in?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 23, 2007
12:41 pm
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santino
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All who have responded: I have to admit, my intial reaction to reading your posts was of dissapointment. I didn't expect these responses. I was expecting "way to go Santino" "go get her Santino" "This is the one" Then I read my thread back to myself, and I do see how I'm sabatoging myself. Friends is all I can give for now. I have to admit, when I found out she liked me, I got all giddy and excited. For the last 7 months of me being alone my ex has been on my mind the minute I woke up. This morning it wasn't her, it was R*&y. I was happy to not have her in my head, but I do see how having a woman pop into my head and sort of dwell there all day isn't healthy either. I know I have alot of work ahead of me, it's just so hard doing it by myself. I don't see how all of you can do it. For the last 11 years I have always had someone, always. This was my first Christmas and Valentines with no one.

I appreciate and respect all of your honest opinions and I know you are all right. I will go out with this girl, but It'll be as friends. I wont try to rush into anything, I want to get to know the real her, and I want her to get to know the real me, and then, if we like what we see down the line, we'll see where it takes us. Sound good?

February 23, 2007
1:30 pm
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revelation
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Santino...before getting to know the real her and her getting to know the real you, YOU need to get to know the real you!

February 23, 2007
2:53 pm
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santino
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February 23, 2007
2:59 pm
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santino
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Rev: Thanks, I know you mean well, you have been there for me many times, you were actually the first person to ever respond to me 7 months ago. I'm just tired of sitting at home alone every day. It's lonely. I wanna go out, I wanna meet new people, I want someone to be friends with, and with time, we'll see how it goes.

February 23, 2007
3:08 pm
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nappy
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Santino, congratulation! I feel that it is good that you have found a friend. I know that everyone is telling you to continue to work on yourself and that you should but don't let FEAR direct your life. You don't have to rush into anything but become friends first. Maybe that is why some relationship don't work in the first place because everyone is looking for L O V E and instead they get L U S T and then one day they finally wake up to the facts that this person that they was suppose to love is not there friend.

I don't see anything wrong with you getting to know this person. That is the only way that you are going to know if she can be a friend or not. You already know what you have to work on so far as yourself. Just enjoy life and dont' get so caught up so fast. Take your time and do it right and you will be alright.

There is nothing wrong with you thinking about your ex. Just don't stay in the moment for to long. Give this other person a chance to be a friend.

Happiness is a choice. Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether it about liking something or not doesn't depend on how something is arranged.... it's how you arrange it in your mind.

You have decision every morning when you wake up. You have a choice. It like spending the day in bed and recounting the difficulty in life or you can get our of bed and be thankful for the things that you can do and have.

Each day is a gift and as long as your eyes are open, I would focus on the new day and all the happy moments that each day brings and if it mean being with your new friend then go for it.

To me we are all human, we are not perfect. So my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in your bank account of memories and be happy.

FREE YOUR HEART FROM HATRED.
FREE YOUR MIND FROM WORRIES
LIVE SIMPLY
GIVE MORE
EXPECT LESS.

Love
Nappy!

February 23, 2007
3:09 pm
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lettingo
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santino
You said it all when you said you are still getting over your ex. My divorce is going to be final next month. Even though I filed, I am heartbroken my alcoholic/addict couldn't get his stuff together to save our marrige. Having said that, soon after I filed, I met a guy and it started out very friendly and developed in a romance. The first time he didn't call, or we drifted, or got too close, blah, blah it made me crazy. My therapist looked at me and said "do you think you should be dating so soon". I realized the answer was no. I called this person up and told him I needed to work through my divorce and I could no longer date him. It was sad at first but what a relief. These distractions and trust me they are only distractions can make the situation so much worse. I feel it is better to closure and work through the grief, loss and lonilness. I realized that all these feeling were still there whether I was dating or not. I know it is lonely but use this time to get through this process/journey.

February 23, 2007
3:32 pm
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nappy
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Santino, being lonely suck and that does not mean that you have to stay stuck. Enjoy your life and be happy.

I know that everyone is telling you that you have to work through the grief and I feel that you have done so since I have been on this site but you don't have to stay there.

And I see that you don't want to stay stuck, still in that mode of hoping and wishing. We all have been hearbroken and yeah we all have been hurt but how long do you really want to stay stuck in feeling like that. I see so many people still feeling stuck on what was in the past and not really being excited about the future. We all have had past loves in our lives and we also had some that we may not forget but still grieving over something that wasn't meant to be is just settling for less when you have so much more to offer.

It does not hurt to go out to dinner or to a movie, you are not marrying this person. You are just enjoying there company and hoping that they are enjoying yours.

That is what wrong with so many people now, As soon as they start talking to someone they are wondering if this person is the one, and they just went out on there first date.

And while you is being stuck, that person that you is thinking about all the time is really enjoying there life and is not thinking one bit about the ones that they have hurted.

Life is to short to be stuck, be happy santino, you deserve to be happy.

February 23, 2007
3:45 pm
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taj64
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I think it is perfectly ok to question a date or potential date before things happen no matter where you stand. It is natural I believe and part of being the sensitive person you are and aslo having been hurt before, of course you are bound to be a lot more careful. The best way to look at it would be to consider this as a start or stepping stone to either having a friend or potential relationship and keeping it in the back of the mind that yes you are still trying to get over your ex. Meanwhile it makes no sense to me not to get out there and do something different for now instead of staying in a rut because change though frightening will keep you trying new things and that includes dating. You do need to compare I think, both to see what else is out there, to prepare you for the next love whether or not it is this girl or not. You should not let fear stand in your way. The only way to truly know if you are not ready is to try. And one or two dates are not going to set you back at all. It would be good for your ego too. I know for me that it was not right. If you are feeling good about the other person it is not going to matter so much. And the only way to find out is to go. You can back away if you are not ready. And then it is healthier to back away when both of you and your date are healthy. Really it is a matter of trusting your own judgment. You are the one that truly knows if you are ready. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You are in rut, get out and have fun. You have nothing but the future ahead of you, not the past with the ex.

February 23, 2007
4:21 pm
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santino
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Nappy & Taj: I so needed to hear that. 🙂 I have had this silly little grin on my face all afternoon. We have been texting eachother these funny little messages. I'm having fun! I just, like you two said, wanna live! I'm tired of living in the past, I'm tired of this little fantasy world I had created with my ex and I. It's not a reality! Yesterday we went out and had some drinks and I felt alive, I felt good. Who knows, she maybe the one or not. I'm not gonna worry about that right now, I'm gona take it slow. 🙂

February 23, 2007
4:26 pm
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taj64
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High Five from me! I think it is great. It is important to feel alive again. That is what life is about, living again, feeling good about yourself and having others feel good about you too. Good luck to you.

February 23, 2007
4:56 pm
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santino
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Thanks Taj!!! Really thank you. You know these last few months have been very difficult for me. I have learned so much about myself and about relationships. I have been in the dark for so long. My self esteem had me thinking that I would never get someone as beautiful as her. My self esteem made me believe that I would never have one like my ex. The truth, I don't want someone like my ex. For so long I thought I did, but I know now that her leaving was truelly a blessing. I got my career back at work, I spend quality time with my kids, I hang out with friends, I eat right, I go to the gym regularly, I have a relationship with God. Life is good, real good 🙂

February 23, 2007
5:26 pm
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taj64
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Your welcome. YOu have to go out and compare. How else are you going to know how really bad it was until you receive better? OF course it could be that it is totally deceiving and could be worse than the previous one, the important thing is to get out there and build up the self esteem. I happen to think you are great. There is one person out in this world for you. And you only need one. Keep hanging in there as you do, and come back and let me and others know how it went. 🙂

February 23, 2007
5:26 pm
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nappy
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It is about time that someone on here is really enjoying life. Don't you just feel the light that is shining on you. You are such a beautiful person and that you should not let anyone take that away from you.

Everything that you have said to Taj should be a eye opener for anyone who feel that they can't do it. You is a prime example.

We all have been in the dark and it is about time to step into the light.
Enjoy your self and get on stepping.

February 23, 2007
5:31 pm
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santino
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Thanks Nappy and Taj!! 🙂 Shes coming in to my job today to see me. I'm looking forward to it. 🙂

February 23, 2007
5:37 pm
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doubleloss
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santino, enjoy every minute as it comes. take it easy, take it slow, and be honest w/yourself and her. I think it's great when peopel just hang out for the mere pleasure of enjoying each other's company, no strings attached, no complications, etc. So, go with the flow, but keep your eyes open. Have a great weekend!

February 23, 2007
5:58 pm
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santino
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thanks double loss. Thats the plan. I'm gonna keep the friendship going as long as I can, and when the time arises, IF, it arises, we'll go from there. No Rush, eyes wide open 🙂

February 23, 2007
9:58 pm
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atalose
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You woke up this morning and DIDN'T have your ex on your mind, that's the begining of healing Santino!!!

Taj, nappy and everyone else are correct, you need to get out and have fun, enjoy life and if this new friend is making you feel good about yourself, even better.

When you start out WITH expectations, your bound to become dissapointed. But when you start out with NO expectations your bound to just enjoy it.

As they say in recovery, one day at a time. Don't think beyond today or where or how things are going to go with your new friend, just enjoy each day as it arrives.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 24, 2007
4:57 am
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santino
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atalose: Thanks for the advise. Thats exactlly what Im gonna do. Tomorrow we are gonna go snow boarding with all of our friends. I'm really looking forward to it. She wants me to pick her up in the morning. 🙂

2day was a good day, I'm hoping it's the beginiing of more good days to come. Thanks again everyone 🙂

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