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Hi, Everyone, I am Co-Dependent like everyone on here!
January 17, 2006
1:17 am
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want2bloved
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Hi: This is my first time ever on here. After seeking professional advice, I have found out that I am co-dependent. I am hesitant to admit it, but it is the first step.

I am an African American lesbian, who has a daughter. I married and divorced very young age in my early 20s. I am now lesbian. My family background is fairly simple. My mother and father were never married and father never in my life, while my step-father and my mother divorced when I was 12. My grandfather was an alcoholic and I have uncles who are substance abusers.

All of my relationships (both with men and women) have been unhealthy, physically and emotionally abusive (as I was the battered person). Just recently, I left my ex-girlfriend. It was very hard, and I am still taking it hard. Some days I want to pick up the phone and get back with her but I know that it is not the right thing because she is abusive and does not want to change. I cannot be friends with any of my ex-flames (male or female) because it is too hard, I cannot handle it, and I just want to move on from the bad and unhealthy relationships.

I need help! I do not have any insurance or money, do anyone have any suggestions? I live in Illinois. If anyone knows of any support groups in the Joliet area, I would appreciate your help. To everyone, thanks for reading and listening! 🙂

January 17, 2006
4:48 am
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marigoround
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Hey: me too, you ahev how ever come to the road of understanding your co dep. and is hard. I have made many mistakes in my life because of my co dependency I am 38 and you are so young you are in time to nip in the bud. My father was an alcoholic, my mother very abusive and hated me for not being pretty, my brother sexualli avused me as a young girl, and I became loose and finally got merried to the first guy th asked me I loved him but still, had 3 kids, the he died and left me a lot of money, I spent it on cars, boy firneds and attention... It has costed me my life then I married again looking for companion and ended up with a compulsive gambler... divorced him got mariied agin and I am still married to the same guy but I have had several affairs I do not love him, I hav come to realise my co dependency and the nned for people to except me, love me and such... please take time to think and feel and by all means understand you are loved and precious to this world, our problem of needing people to love us and have comanionship can be resolved, exept who you are, love you first and think, really soul search for you and learn how to be by your self and enjoy the silence of you... I have come to realise this on my own because I am presently unemployed and my insurance does not cover this.
For me realizing my co depepndency problem was the key and the next step was knowing I am not alone and that I have to love my self first and understand that is ok to hurt and want some one, is ok to want companionship but is also ok to be you. The relationships will come and go the problem is that the bad ones are the ones we except, you can not save the world and you deserve to be treted with respect and love. I can not be friends with any one I have dated too, is ok, do not be hard on your self. you are a wonderful human being and the world out there is missing out on you and your true potential, think about it, what is spending all this negative anergy on this is taking you away from some one who will really trully see your wonderfull soul..... don't miss like I did, take a step back and breath.. just breath... Iam here if you need to talk1!!
the world loves you just breath!!!!

January 17, 2006
8:10 am
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hbdude2k
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First you must find yourself. Do things for you. Build up your self esteem. Discipline yourself to do things for yourself. Then everything will flow into place. Don't worry about what others think about you. Thats your codependency. I used to be that way. Now, if I want a relationship, I have to find the six things that will make it happen. 1. I can be me. 2. You can be you. 3. We can be us. 4.I can grow. 5. You can grow. 6. We can grow together. If there is any toxins in your relationships such as lying, betrayal, lack of communication etc, then you don't have all your steps and neither does he or she. So, take your time and be you. This is the first step and all your children are the most important thing. You are their role model. You want them to smile forever and the only way for them to do that is for them to see you be you. You will be the best education teacher in their lives....

January 17, 2006
12:31 pm
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want2bloved
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September 24, 2010
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Thanks for the words of encouragement! You guys really do not know how much I appreciate this, this board is great! I know it will be hard to overcome this fear of being alone, but I know it must be done. Right now, I must find ways to love my daughter and myself. Furthermore, I have made a point to discard all contacts with my ex-flames and any memories that could help me back to these abusive and destructive relationship. I think starting fresh and loving my daughter and myself is a good start.

January 18, 2006
1:01 am
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hbdude2k
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Yes, keep that thought and even write it down and stick it in your pocket everyday to remind you....

January 18, 2006
6:13 pm
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want2bloved
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Hi Everyone: I need some advice. My ex-girlfriend admitted she has an emotional problem and wants help. I admitted to her that I have a problem as well. We love each other. We want to work it out and get counseling for our issues. Should I continue to let her girl, or should we work it out together?

January 18, 2006
6:30 pm
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Anonymous
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I say stay EX's for now - let her work on her stuff - you work on your stuff.

If you are codependent and she is around, you may have the "urges" to try and help her fix her problems. It's hard to "detach" from your friend's problem if you are around it enough.

I tried to fix myself while continuing to live iwth my BF - and it was VERY VERY HARD - only until we took a break from eachother, were we able to figure out our solutions and put them into place and make them work.

I vote for going solo - and worrying about relationships after you are stronger and healthier.

January 18, 2006
7:21 pm
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want2bloved
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Yeah, I get you. However, I will probably try to work it out with her. We want to slowly work each layer out. She has admitted that she has issues re: molestation, parents, past relationships, and forgiving. The thing about this is our relationship is a great one; our families like each other; our children like each other; and we love each other. I feel that she is my soulmate, and I want to work it out together with her. We want to go to support group meeting and even couple counseling. I think that is a good start. What do you think?

January 19, 2006
7:24 am
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shylo
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I am just realizing I am codepedent. I have hurt some very close people to me becuase of it. The first step is realizing you have problems then can you fix them. I know there is a way to overcome these issues. It takes time, effort and determination.

January 19, 2006
8:18 am
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beenajerk
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Who isn't co-dependent to some degree? It's interesting to note that I am a white male, straight, come from a completely different background than what you've described and am probably a bit older than you and have spent a large part of my life trying to find someone to complete me. The trail of failed relationships I've been in would probably reach from my home in Seattle clear to your home in Joliet. There are no simple answers to life's challenges. OK, maybe the answers are simple, but the implementation isn't necessarily easy. The fear of being alone can be tough because we sometimes equate alone with lonely and being incomplete so we spend time and energy trying to find someone to fill in the blanks in our lives. Problem is that the people we look to complete us are probably doing the same thing we are. My opinion is that there will always be a certain amount of co-dependence in our lives; it's a matter of degree. I've had therapists who've exhibited a certain amount of co-dependence. It's a common human trait. Anything can be overdone.
Have you looked for CODA meetings in your area? (see http://www.coda.org) Here is a list of meetings you might want to look into in Illinois. There are quite a few in the Chicago area so maybe something is close to you:http://www.coda.org/coda/searc.....etings.asp

January 19, 2006
8:34 am
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hopeful for change
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hey want2beloved: you are not alone at all. I remember when I found out that I was codependent, I went and explained it all to my now ex mother in law. It was like a breakthrough. I had been trying to heal her son. She just looked at me and told me she knows all about it, she is codependent to. I was floored. I seem to date people who I just take their mom's place.

I am really not recovered, just still trying to pull my head out. I have discovered every single relationship I have has been me taking care of them instead of me. Always hoping someone will see my good qualities and love me. All I was really doing was focusing on everyone else so I didn't have to deal with me. Like I was avoiding the real problem me. Atleast that's my overview right now. I know that If I left my current husband (#3) atleast for now, I would end up with another one just like him. It wouldn't matter if I was gay or straight, I would pick someone that had the same qualities, even if I thought "this one's different". I seem to go into denial about the whole truth. Good Luck. The thing that really opened my eyes was reading the book, Codependent No More. I hope you get a chance to read it. I feel like I need a full time counselor just to live with me...Your not alone.

January 19, 2006
12:21 pm
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funkybuddha
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January 19, 2006
6:14 pm
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want2bloved
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Thanks, everyone! These comments are really opening my eyes to things that I have never thought about. Yes, I have admitted that I have a co-dependent problem and I know why I have this problem. That is the first positive step in everything. Now, the actual step that counts, which is the solution to solving this problem, will be very hard. I know it will take years. But, I know with determination, I will heal . . .

January 19, 2006
7:29 pm
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hopeful for change
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I think its kinda one day at a time.

January 20, 2006
1:31 am
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want2bloved
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Hi Beenajerk: Thank you for the link to the CODA site. I have found several meetings in my area. I will start contacting these places to found out the details and bring immediately. I am hopeful, and I will take it day by day, that is all I and the rest of us can do . . .

Again, thanks!

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