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Hi all.... checking in, feeling the sad droning line below...
February 5, 2004
2:42 pm
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artist 2
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Moved out. Moved in.

Feeling sad. Feeling tired.

Missing him. Missing them.

What will I do with my time?

What will I eat every morning and night?

With whom will I share?

For me who will care?

Am I this island drifting away from the shore?

And will this cold hard pain continue to pierce me to the core?

February 5, 2004
3:11 pm
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artist 2
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I'm so lonely... and this is a dangerous time for me. I drink when I feel this way. Tonight I will take a walk instead, hopefully.

February 5, 2004
3:22 pm
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artist 2
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I can't face the weekend alone... I can't bear to be alone Friday night. It's coming closer and I hate being alone! I just want one little glass of wine... and maybe

February 5, 2004
3:28 pm
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artist 2
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I can't face the weekend alone... I can't bear to be alone Friday night. It's coming closer and I hate being alone! I just want one little glass of wine... and maybe

February 5, 2004
3:30 pm
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Anonymous
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DO NOT DRINK, it doesn't make you feel any better and you know it because the same problem is there when you wake in the morning. Please don't drink, do anything but that, go out for a walk, read a book, listen to music, go for a drive, cook a great meal, but don't drink, it only makes it worse and you know it

February 5, 2004
3:31 pm
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artist 2
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I know... I k now... thank you... I'm so sad right now I dont' know what to do.

February 5, 2004
4:34 pm
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artist 2
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What's really sad for me is that he saying it's what I wanted! To be alone.. indeed. Anyone feeling sorry for me yet? HA!

I'm sooo scared....

February 5, 2004
4:40 pm
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Anonymous
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Everyone is here for you, and yes you will feel sad, its a normal natural feeling, but the good thing is that you feel that because then you know that you cared, and you would rather be a person that could care, than one that couldnt, right, and you know what screw him, he is a loser like all the rest, and then when they realize that your life truly is better without them, they come crawling back wanting to be with you again, Dont give up your control to some guy, dont do it, its not worth it, tell me this would you rather have the pain of a break up or the pain of being with a loser.

February 5, 2004
4:49 pm
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artist 2
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I've been with losers.... and I guess freedom from that is better that being stuck and not being lonely. But it really hurts... thanks for sticking it out with me... (head on your shoulder)

February 5, 2004
5:11 pm
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Anonymous
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I harldey have a head on my shoulder, I do the same thing, the only thing I remember though is how good it feels after you get past that pain, and you are strong again, I love being in control, so that is my favorite time, i hate having or letting someone control my emotions, which guys can do when they play their stupid games, and we fall for them, and go chasing them and then wonder what we did wrong when we didnt do anything wrong, they are just like to play sick games

February 5, 2004
5:13 pm
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artist 2
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yeah... and that too. I just need to stick it out - right! right!

February 5, 2004
5:16 pm
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mj
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Hugs Artist...sorry you are hurting but grieving is normal.

February 5, 2004
5:19 pm
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Anonymous
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Yes stick it out, and you can do it, and do it without drinking, it sucks, but day by day, and its hard, but think of this, wouldnt you rather say, you know what i got over that than say I still am not over it.

February 5, 2004
5:26 pm
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Kessie
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Hello artist 2 I just saw this, I'm thinking about you - I'm so sorry you're feeling like you are, Yes, I know the feeling of needing to drink, - I dont drink very much so a couple or three glasses of wine is my limit. I find it helps on the days when I'm feeling down. You're feeling extra specially down right now. It will pass. This is the worst bit, believe me. As the days pass, the bad bits get shorter and the good bits appear, and then get longer just like spells of sunshine. I'll be around here, talk to me.

Love K

February 5, 2004
5:38 pm
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gingerleigh
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Who says you have to be alone? Call a girlfriend and GO OUT for heaven's sake. 🙂

February 5, 2004
7:02 pm
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((((hugs to you artist)))))

I agree with Kessie - go out and do something! It's strange, when I was going through depression the therapist told me that sometimes you need to do the opposite of what you feel like. Ex. when your depressed and just don't want to do anything, then that is the perfect time TO do something. I know, it's strange, but speaking from experience, it does work.

This too shall pass.
Ladyace

February 5, 2004
7:07 pm
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LCV
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I was just reading the post from lostman, and he is at a point today that you will be at soon. Time heals all wounds....just take it day by day, minute by minute. You will rise again and smile, happiness...TRUE happiness is just around the corner...you KNOW that....

February 5, 2004
9:33 pm
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1carmen
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hun, i'm feeling u completely. i'm a basketcase mysef. at least ur on ur way to feeling better (i know u dont feel that right now but u r). my x still lives with me but were not together. hes moving out in a couple of weeks and every time i think of that moment coming my heart shatters....i don't know what im going to do with myself. i honestly feel that once hes REALLY gone i'm going to freak out. i have spent the past 2 years with him 24/7...i don't even know what life is like without him there all the time. i tried EVERYTHING to make him stay but this time nothing worked. he wants out. he wouldt stay even if i was dying...hurts real bad..i wish u all the best, i'm sure this will make u a much stronger person

February 6, 2004
12:24 pm
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Kessie
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hi artist2, just checking - so what are you doing today? I didnt ask, but have you moved far from where you were before? are you in a different area? Hope you re feeling a little bit better, but it's early days yet, I guess.
Love k

February 6, 2004
12:37 pm
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Anonymous
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Carmen- you know that saying if you love something let it go, it its meant to be it will come back, yeah I know its just a saying, but you know how history is, and when you get over him, he will be back, and want you back, and at that time you will be the strong one, saying nope sorry, this sucks, I know, Im there but, at least you know that, you lived before him, and you will live after him, and that time in between he blessed your heart... I have a great thing to post so read it I think its a great little insipirational email I got from a friend so I will post it. I think it might help a lot of people. lets hope.

February 6, 2004
1:28 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hello Artist,,,I know,,,but if I drink, I get really wacky. Sometimes it doesn't stop me from drinking though. Like the others said, go out. If nothing else, go to a bookstore where you can sit down to read and have a coffee and read some books to feel better.

I know you're sad and lonely. How about working on some of your beautiful art?

This is a dreary weekend, but we'll get through it. I'm having a bad one myself, but with friends' encouragement and prayer, I'll get through it. And believe me,,,if I can get through it,,anyone can!

Right now there is a bottle in the freezer,,,beer in the fridge. Husband is sloppy-stupid-drunk, finally thank the Good Lord, he passed out on the couch so I could get some work done. He has bugged me all morning, and I work at home so it's not like I can get away from him. I'd like to just get really drunk to be able to stand him, but I just will not do it!!

I'm sorry you're sad...but things will eventually get better. We're all here for you. Don't be alone unless you choose to be. W.

February 7, 2004
5:14 pm
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Kessie
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Hi artist, just checking in - again - to say I havent forgotten you, how're you doing? hope to hear something soon,
Love K

February 7, 2004
7:16 pm
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free
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I used to drink fresca (it's alot like my favorite alcoholic drink) and hang out in chat rooms or do research on things- teh wonderful internet. Or get all caught up in the Lifetime movies. hey, it swallowed the time. the loneliness is so vivid kuz you are with yourself now. you're okay to be with. Really. You are.

free

February 9, 2004
1:47 pm
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Kessie
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Hi artist, are you coming back? I hope so. How's that car coming along??
Love K

February 10, 2004
9:18 am
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artist 2
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kessie... thanks. I'm here. Been busy busy busy. Trying to adjust. Bf's been telling me that he doesn't feel connected. I keep thinking that he just wants to break up all together, but I think also hearing that message is just part of my self-preservation. It's part of my getting myself out of it before I have a nervous breakdown. If I can just stay clear and objective... my therapist says to leave all the crazy emotional reactions to him. That when I'm with Bf, be calm calm and collected. He's right. So far it's worked and I'm not getting my hopes up, but so far it seems that Bf is not backing off any more. I'm still scared though. Scared of losing everything I've worked for. And scared of being without him. Not just being alone, but without HIM.

Yes it sound wacky because of all the problems from before. But now that we're living in separate places, we've gotten more space with time to think. I knew it would happen and be a good thing. I'm not around anymore to stress about his discipline with his son. I'm not around the messiness any more. Now I'm creating my own mess. I've got plenty of space and privacy. And, all this is making me so strong. So much better. Tentatively I'm stepping out and makign connections with other people. Slowly cultivating a life outside BF. It's so scary for me. In the past I've attached myself to a relationship and given myself to it. It really leads to codependency every time. Now, with my own life I dont' feel so desperate to hang on to him. It makes him feel better. My therapist says it's a no-no to NOT have a life. He's encouraging me to explore my goals and to stay on my singular path.

Guess this may seem so easy and so obvious to some of you, but to me, it's all new. I'm learning something new. And I've been wanting to learn for such a long time now.

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