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Hey, P&L!
September 19, 2006
1:17 am
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ggfred4
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I am worn out and my head hurts badly. Too much thinking...Please take care of yourself and hope you know that I do care....Please don't give up on me!!!!, hugs...gg(I will do it one day, the name thing okay?)

September 19, 2006
1:20 am
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ggfred4
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okay?, say goodnight!

Good night Jimbob! Goodnight momma!
Good night Elizabeth! GOOD NIGHT AND SWEET DREAMS P&L!!!!!

September 19, 2006
1:19 pm
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Hey,
1.I was just thinking about last nights talk...sometimes I can't believe what all I admit to you. I was worn out, like I was in battle with myself. I appreciated the time you spent.

2.Today, one of the "friends" at work actually walked up to me and another coworker and started telling us a story. I was so happy that she initiated the conversation. Then, (this is the 2nd time), I realized that she would only make eye contact with the other person. This went on for over a minute and then we dispersed. I am trying not to cry at work. I sure have been feeling emotional lately. I used to have no problem keeping them in.

P&L my friend, I have to do something. I have to change. I can't change my jobs. I have to change me. I AM READY because I am so miserable.
It sounds so simple, then gets so complicated. Still don't know how to get started. I am such a structural person, thanks to dear old dad, and need a course of action and HOPE!

September 19, 2006
3:29 pm
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Well, you know how I did it. through CoDA.

As for your friend at work, so what if she started a conversation and so what if she did not make eye contact. She does not define you. YOU define YOU. Not making eye contact with you is disrepectful to you, and violates your boundaries, either speak up or walk away. Don't take more of because it will drag down your self esteem and she will learn it is okay to treat you that way. Teach people how you want to be treated, starting with yourself.

September 19, 2006
3:51 pm
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ggfred4
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I like the sentence, "She does not define you. YOU define YOU." Here I didn't think of it as disrespectful, yet I hope I don't behave that way. I am thinking, "you must hate me". I just stood there and stood there wanting to leave but knew that would be rude.

I need a starting point. Now this CODA thing, should I start that? There are no meetings around here, already checked. Just want to change badly. I am tired of feeling the way I am feeling.

I never thought of me allowing people to treat me badly. I just thought I should try and be a role model of how friends should be and I just get slapped. Or is it me allowing it? I don't want to ever be mean. No, I don't stand up for myself, never have, don't know how.

Enough of me, how are you feeling today?

Oh, I called the doctor and my surgery can't be changed to another day.

Talk later...

September 19, 2006
7:28 pm
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Hey P&L, how are you today?

September 19, 2006
9:53 pm
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P&L, I think I found an online CODA group going to google. It is with MSN. You have to apply and was filling in the application and thought I should check with you to see if I am in the right place and if you think this is what I should try at this time.

September 19, 2006
10:03 pm
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Scratch the last message, too scared, strangers, just not ready, sorry. Please help me start something for the better.

September 19, 2006
10:58 pm
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Hi GG

I have heard they offer meetings there. I go to other meetings. If you try those meetings, I know the people there are nice there. They are very welcoming. Actually. coda people are nice everywhere. You don't have to talk, u can just go watch. I would tell you where I go, but it is against AAC site rules, and I have to respect the SC's rules for anonymity.

It doesn't matter as long as you go SOMEWHERE! You may never be ready. Just try it.

GG, I want you to know something. I may not be here for a few days after tomorrow. My parents will be here for a dinner to honor my promotion! They will stay here for my medical tests on Friday, and wait to see if I am hospitalized. I will try to check on you tomorrow before they get here, but need to clean my house and take care of some work stuff before they get here. Please remember that I have not abandoned you now or ever.

I will be back just as soon as I can. I wont be able to be here or do CoDA, so I hope I don't have a setback. I feel pretty good right now, as I have figured out who I am again at work. But, I am worried about you. I care.

Please promise me you will keep posting while I am away.

Hugs, P&L

September 19, 2006
11:10 pm
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I definitely promise!!! Will you promise to keep me inform about your health? Thank you so much for letting me know that you may not be here. Thank you so much for not rejecting or abandoning me. That I am not used to.

I am so confused over the CODA thing. There are no meetings to attend around where I live. How does an online meeting work? Will it be like this site, anonymous? I am so new to all of this.

Do they have conferences that people can go to? Don't know if I could or would, just curious.

Now could you refresh me on the tests you are going to have? I don't know if you read that I can't change my surgery date; trying not to think about it now.

Please read the thread, please read...gg(I know you don't like those little g's, just bear with me)

Hugs...me

September 19, 2006
11:23 pm
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P&L, I am feeling so anxious with too many things to worry about. This has been an ongoing problem of mine. I don't mean to repeat myself, but I just don't know what to do. I have books to read with workbooks but don't feel like reading, don't have a counselor and don't want one, and really am not talking to anyone anymore. (surface stuff only) I have been off anti-depressants since July except for that one night. Nothing seems to be working. I don't know why I am saying all of this; I FEEL LOST. That is it, I feel lost and don't know where and how to proceed.
Okay, tired of talking about myself.

I am going to bed in 15 minutes if you are up. Haven't slept much the last two nights, too much on the mind.

Hugs...me

September 20, 2006
2:30 am
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GG

Sorry, I missed you...need to go back to bed. Just check my computer. I would say go to your doc and ask about gettin back on meds. I also might try the online Coda meetings if there is no face to face meeting in your area. Read the codependent books. They help. There is no need to feel lost. You have options.

When is your surgery?

Hugs, me 🙂

September 20, 2006
8:07 am
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P&L,
Surgery still Nov. 30th. I should be in hospital 5 days. P&L, the meds did not help. I tried Effexor XR and Cymbalta, from min to max strength. They just helped me sleep and reduce a little anxiety; just didn't seem worth it. I'd rather use that as a last resort, okay, I'll admit, I am not good about remembering to take them regulary either. I am so good at taking care of others, but not myself.

I am going back to the books as my start. The problem there, I always want to discuss what I read, analyze, etc., but there is noone.

Oh well, checked the site before work and I have got to go. Have a nice dinner tonight and check in when you can. I slept so well last night because I was calm, because there was this nice person who said they would not abandon me!

Hugs,...me too!

September 20, 2006
1:14 pm
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P&L, It is tough at work...just me

September 20, 2006
1:37 pm
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Hi GG:

I've looked at the online CODA meetings and yes, they are anonymous like here. It might be helpful to take a look at them.

Can you share why you consider medications a "last resort?" Perhaps if you got on the right med, and some of your anxiety was reduced, you would be able to address core issues that make you feel bad.

My former fiance struggled with depression and with feelings of low self-worth and actually self-loathing. He blamed himself for his childhood abuse. Those feelings are common with survivors of abuse. But they can and will change when healing takes place.

Meds actually helped him level off so that he could work with a therapist. He is doing better.

I know that you can feel better too. You are worth it.

M&S

September 20, 2006
2:49 pm
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Thanks M&S: I don't know know the "why's" to a lot of my thinking. Let me think here; I don't want to take medicine because: the expense, remembering to take it, knowing that I need something I think I should be able to control...that's what I thought of. (no certain order there)

Thank you so much for caring to check out the online meetings. I thought I had to give an email address and I didn't want to. Do I have to give my real name?

Why am I always so afraid and non-trusting? I do not know.

I DO WANT TO FEEL BETTER, really feeling alone though.

You are so sweet to share and care...gg

September 20, 2006
3:47 pm
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Hi GG:

Thanks for your reply. It is definitely worthwhile thinking about why we do things.

Would you spend the money on meds for your children, your husband or other family members that might need help?

I think that the mother is a pretty important member of the family. And if you are not feeling well, it affects the entire family.

I forget to take meds too. I got one of those little pill boxes to help me remember. You can establish little routines to remind yourself too, e.g., taking meds with breakfast or use other memory aids.

I remember you writing that you were taught to "be tough." I can tell by your writing that you are a smart woman, so you know that depression is a medical condition, not a condition that is just controlled by self control. And for those that were abused as children, depression is usually a manifestation of emotional pain.

There is a good chance that your depression would lift and your self image would improve when you start dealing with the root cause of these symptoms, which is likely abuse.

I know that you care about other people a lot. You need to learn to care about yourself as much. And you will with daily practice 🙂

You are afraid and you don't trust people because when you were little, someone that was very important to you broke your trust and betrayed you. And you are afraid of getting hurt again.

We learn coping mechanisms when we are young and sometimes, we continue to use the same coping mechanisms when we are adults even though we can learn new tools to protect and defend ourselves: boundaries, assertivness, etc.

I have seen the healing that can happen through counseling. I encourage you to help yourself. Reducing your anxiety through meds will help you to seek the help you need to heal the wounds of abuse.

You don't have to ever give your name to anyone on the internet. In fact, if your name is asked for or other information just look for another group. MSN (microsoft) also has groups for abuse and coda.

You can create another free email account with yahoo, aol or hotmail just for online groups. That way you will remain anonymous. This site also asked for an email address. It is for the security of everyone here.

Take a first step for yourself. If you don't like your doctor, change. Invest in yourself so you can enjoy your life.

(((GG)))

M&S

September 20, 2006
4:04 pm
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GG

Online meetings are strictly anonymous, whichever site you go to.

One way to ensure it is anonymous is to do the same thing you do here. Use a different username and don't tell anyone who you are. You also can set up an MSN hotmail account or yahoo account for free without your identifying information. That is what I would recommend. That way you can rest easy about your privacy.

As for antidepressants, I am going to be straight with you, my dear friend. I hear you not wanting to help yourself, even though you want to help yourself. I know that taking medicine is a drag. I know there is a stigma attached to all of this, but you know what? People will like you better when you like yourself, and you enjoy life. That is the best way to attract friends. If I made those excuses about not being able to take my medicine for my health, I would not be able to hold down a job, let alone walk from one room to another. You do what you need to do to help yourself, just like people wear glasses to see. Gosh, what if there were a stigma attached to wearing glasses or contact lenses? To remember to take my medicine, I just put it in one of those old lady pill boxes with compartments for days of the week...one for evening and one for morning. WIthout that old lady pill box, I would die. I have no shame in it, except when I fly with my students to conferences, and they have to see all the medicine I take at my age just to keep me going, and you know what their reaction is? Total amazement that I have accomplished this much in life with my health situation. THey are inspired, and then I am inspired by their love and concern! So, there ya go.

I have caring concern for you, my friend. Antidepressants, often like the medicine I take for my health problem, is trial and error. Maybe the ones you took were not the right ones. You have to take them consistently and you have to give them plenty of time to work. You need to communicate clearly with you doctor and be proactive about your own health. You are worth it. And, by the way, I think I once told you that there is such a huge percentage of people on psych meds that there is a good chance the doc prescribing you meds has been or is on them him/herself. So, the man upstairs helps those who help themselves, and in all honesty, I am going to put up a boundary at some point with you if you are not going to help yourself. I won't abandon you, but I will not encourage or enable you and I will talk straight with you...otherwise, I am not helping my dear cyber friend when she is asking for help. So, there you have it. I have given you what i know works. I am not a therapist, and I cannot take the place of a therapist, meds, CoDA or other structured methods that work. AAC is a wonderful forum to help provide that needed extra support, but I cannot do for you what you need to do for yourself. I can only do take care of me in the end. In the end, you won't have me or all those you desire approval from. You know who you will have? YOU! That is a beautiful person, whom you must treasure and take very good care of, because you are stuck with her, and there is no one else you would rather be...you are worth more than gold.

Love, P&L

September 21, 2006
2:08 am
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Bye GG

My parents have arrived for my medical tests..dont know why you did not respond to my long post I wrote. I wrote from the heart...but maybe it was too honest.

oh well...

I don't like to be ignored either, especially when I try to help someone.

You make your choices.I hope you choose to be happy. I will pray for you.

Love, P&L p.s. will post when I can next.

September 21, 2006
6:33 am
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P&L, I am sorry I did not respond; got home very late last night and been really doing some soul searching since I read the post from you and M&S. You were NOT too honest; I NEEDED IT! I am up early going to gym to walk and think.

I do hope the tests go well and please keep me inform when you can.

I APPRECIATED YOUR HELP SO MUCH!!!!!

I choose to be happy...GG, no longer the lower one who brings me down.

Hugs, GG

September 21, 2006
8:04 am
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p.s. - If you would have responded that way when we first started talking, I would have left the site.(BUT, because I have come to trust you and feel you care (which is a miracle in itself), I needed not to just hear those words, I had to FEEL them in order to make changes. I have read both you and M&S messages at least 5 times each so the words would sink in.

I am ready to hold my head up high this a.m. when I go to work. I never did anything malicious to anyone there. What I did to is make them uncomfortable. I wish I could change that. I hope they will accept me for who I am, but first I have got to learn to accept ME.

I did make that list and yes, I was most of those things. There are a few descriptions I must attend to now to be that person. I don't want to think of this as a long process to self-discovery, but a journey towards a positive ME! I know that obstacles will be there along the way, but I hope you will be around to help me keep moving forward.

I seldom if ever tell anyone except my kids that I love them, but I must sign off with,

Love and hugs, GG

September 21, 2006
12:35 pm
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Step 1: okay babystep #1: I stood up for myself with husband this a.m. in a nice way though. I think he was speechless!

September 21, 2006
12:50 pm
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BRAVO GG!!!!!!

You are on your way! You stood up for yourself because you believe that you have worth!!!

Celebrate each small success. Document each one. Learn from them. Gain courage from every step you take!

I have confidence in your abilities and you will gain confidence with each achievement.

With a big smile and a huge hug! YOU made MY day!!!! 🙂

M&S

September 21, 2006
1:07 pm
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You made my day to with your encouragement. I feel happier today than I have been in awhile. One day at a time...Wow, you have confidence in my abilites?!?!

I feel like there is a huge smile inside of me. THANK YOU SO MUCH P&L AND M&S!!!!

Hugs to you both...GG

September 21, 2006
1:19 pm
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ABSOLUTELY I HAVE CONFIDENCE in YOU!!!!!

And you will grow in confidence every time you do something that you fear.

I am smiling too! A full moon smile 🙂

Yes, one day at a time and sometimes, one hour at a time or minute by minute, whatever it takes.

Be good to yourself GG!!! You deserve the BEST!

M&S

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