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Hey, P&L!
September 15, 2006
8:46 am
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GG

So sorry U had a rough nite. I hope you make it through work ok. I have been through stuff, but not the kind of stuff in that workbook. That is some tough material, and I am lucky to have had an easier childhood than that. I am grateful. Of course, I will support you to whatever extent possible!

tough for me to type at this hour of the morning...so will keep this short.
off to doc anyway. feel calmer this morning...probably just stress and not a real heart problem, but i will let u know. Thanks for caring about me, as I do care about u too. Stay cool today...healing is a good thing, my dear...u are going to take good care of yourself, and do what is right for yourself at the right time.

hugs, P&L

September 15, 2006
9:19 am
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Hello GG & P&L:

Good luck today at the docs P&L. Take care of yourself and watch that stress. It is dangerous!

GG, I think you gained some confidence after facing down the evil character. Good for you. You can take that empowerment to other aspects of your healing.

I wanted to say something to you about acceptance. You are already accepted by everyone here for being you! It is obvious that you are a sensitive, caring, gentle, loyal and playful person.

You will reach an important landmark when you accept and love yourself. You will get there. It just takes time and work.

I have a book suggestions for both you and P&L. I know that the Courage to Heal book is frightening for you. Perhaps if you did not approach the issue of sexual abuse head on but "circled" it by addressing some of the effects you would feel stronger to deal with the memories.

I just began reading "I Can't Get Over It: A handbook for Trauma Survivors" by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D. She is a specialist in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD can be experienced by sexual abuse survivors, soldiers, crime victims, domestic abuse victims, refugees, etc.

I like this book because it is more "detached" in its approach. It explains PTSD, the biochemistry (have to share this with WD), associated feelings, levels of victimization, triggers and then the stages of the healing process.

Perhaps you need to have some "tools"---managing emotions, identifying losses, grieving, etc. before you enter into the specifics of your memories. I do hope you consider working with a therapist also.

As for me, I am "working on me" every day. Reading lots of helpful books. Trying to work through grief and pain. The nights are always the hardest. I know it will get better, day by day.

Hope you all have a great day.

Moon & Stars

September 15, 2006
12:48 pm
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HI GG, M&S-

M&S thanks for the suggestion. I have heard about that book, and it is referenced in the PTSD workbook, which also is quite good.

I have my dr report. Pretty sure it is a rythm disorder, but not sure the cause...could be related to my potassium problem...of course, stress is not good for it, but my doc noticed how much better i am doing since he saw me last. Also, because it occurs with specific activities consistent with a physical problem, he has to thoroughly have this checked out. So, I have to have a cardiologist next. I had blood work to check all my levels that could cause it (thyroid, eloctrolytes, potassium, etc.), and am scheduled for a stress test next week (so it is not an emergency) that also shows my heart on a monitor (that will kill me for sure). I cannot do any lifting or exercise for now. I got nitroglycerin. Then, I will have to wear a monitor for a while, and then an echocardiogram. My doc is very a very cool guy (too bad he is married). So, he wanted to assure me he is going to get to the bottom of it and that I am not in immediate danger, but if I feel I am having chest pains or am out of breath, I take the nitro (and I would go to the ER if I really felt bad).

If after all this, I still want more help with stress and the PTSD, he will make sure I get it, but he wants to take care of the physical part first and take it very seriously. So, yeah, I am a bit freaked about it all, but am glad I have someone on top of it. It is nice to have docs I can talk to openly and who take things seriously. He talked about diagnosing heart conditions in women differ than in men, and I know that women often get overlooked. So, that was a relief that he doesn't just dismiss a woman and say I should go relax. He explained everything. So, that is all good, but I am stressing over it. He said he could see my heart rate was going up talking about it...so, stress does not help even if it is physical. So, no lifting, no exercise, and no stress. HA! Wish me luck. Well, at least I am doing better on the stress than I was...what a huge wake up call.

Let this be a lesson to all of you. Look what the last year did to me. I truly believe it was brought on by the events of the past year. So, in a way, it is a gift, because I am changing, and already was changing for the better. I told my doc that. I almost see what all happened this past year as a gift, because it forced me to change. Both of you helped me make take the final stand to get out of that toxic situation that literally made me sick, but that helped me implement all I have been learning in CoDA. Thank you for your loving support.

Love, P&L

September 15, 2006
5:53 pm
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M&S,
Thanks for the ideas. I started thinking, and oh, is that dangerous!
You mentioned dealing with the effects than dealing with "it" head on. I think that might be a good idea. You also mentioned tools to handle things; you are so right. When I tried the book/workbook the first time, I knew I needed to get started, but I wasn't mentally ready to handle it at all. Without any support, it was kind of traumatic and set me in a motion that was negative to my well-being. That was when the cutting episodes began.

Both you and P&L are so wise, calming, and helpful to me. THANKS!!!

P&L, First, thank you for sharing your medical report today. I am so happy you are pleased with your doctor. It sounds like all the bases are being covered. I know it is scary, but during this testing, try and stay calm and know you are taken care of. It doesn't sound like you are going to have any immediate results, but you will have results and solutions. You know you have to keep us informed!!!

Now what are you going to do this weekend that is stress-free?

I haven't hardly left the house this week but for work, and I am ready to get out. Wish I could go on a weekend road trip. My husband is so NON-spontaneous.

Well, gonna talk later, ...gg

September 15, 2006
6:35 pm
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GG

Thanks for your concern!

As for the book, you both know I read The Betrayal Bond before I was ready. It was a setback. I am glad I read it, and GG, I have been working on myself for a while now! However, I still was not ready for something disturbing. THe book taught me a lot, but there are somethings better to wait on until you have a good therapist with you or until you really are ready to that dark, dark place and use it when you can come right back to a positive and healthy reality. If going to that dark, dark place means cutting, harming yourself, or setting you so many steps back that you cannot spring back to the progress you have made, ask yourself if you are really ready to take that book off the shelf.

GG, if you are looking for things to do with your time this weekend, I wrote on another thread today, but I cannot remember the name, to a person who just broke up with her bf, and didn't have friends (her thread has a title referencing no friends and bf and being lonely, I think). So, I gave her some ideas about the art of being alone (I am happy to say, I have become quite good at it!). I could lose an hour easily in a hardware store looking at tools or plastic containers to sort things, or a dept store looking for the ultimate purse (which you know just does not exist, my friend and I love to laugh about the lifetime quest for the perfect purse), or the bookstore, or sipping coffee and people watching at starbucks. Now is a great time for gardening, if you are into that. I plan to take my watercolor class, just so I can learn to fail and enjoy failing. Yes, I am going to pay to fail a class. I am a good artist, except when it comes to watercolors. I just really want to be bad at something and enjoy it. It is about accepting what is. So, go accept yourself, as you are...today...u r the perfect you...even with your imperfections! Go celebrate the life of GG...how is that for spontaneous?

Every event in my life this year has had such meaning and purpose, including my cyber friendships with both of you (GG and M&S) and you allowing me to chatter away here.

Thanks! Love, P&L p.s. I am getting my life in order this weekend. I am sorting through some junk...will have dinner with a friend one night.

September 15, 2006
7:56 pm
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(((P&L)))
I've been away for a few days. I've been busy as heck with work and all. I am so sorry to hear of your latest problems. They sound a little like mine, but, it seems like we are getting mine under control somewhat now that the stress is greatly reduced. I am currently taking atenolol for my Blood Pressure and heart problems. I was at 50 mg a day and that was cut to 25 mg. I am now down to 12.5 mg. I have an appointment Monday and am hoping to get off it all together. I do not like taking meds. I hope you are able to get your health problems under control too! Best of luck to you. I know it's hard, but don't be afraid...that adds stress and it sounds like you don't need any more of that right now.

September 15, 2006
8:06 pm
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Just stopped by to check on P&L and send you all hugs and prayers!

P&L, youre a tough brat, in all the good sense. I hope you enjoy making order in the house this weekend!

And hopefully all of us who are as anxious as we are for whatever reasons will also have a good weekend!

September 15, 2006
8:18 pm
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Confused and SINI, love to you both!

Confused so sorry to hear of your health, but glad to hear you are getting it under control! That is great. I have always had a different health problem all these years, so this is weird...feel like a big baby!

Sini, hugs to you too! You made me laugh when you said I am a tough brat! haha! I love it. Yep, I sure am. I think I want a t-shirt that says "I am a tough brat!" It feels so empowering.

Yes, I hope you all have a relaxing weekend. Stress and anxiety is not worth it...take it from me! It is so bad for you.

Love,
Tough Brat 🙂

September 15, 2006
10:21 pm
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Hey P&L,
Just got home, went to dinner w/the husband and went by the mall for a bit. Now he is watching his sports. Actually, I love shopping alone and shopping for bargains. The last time I went to a bookstore by myself, I was there for three hours and wanted to buy everything. I am also going from a extremely hectic life two years ago with no time for myself, to now a life at the other extreme. I am just struggling with this free time that I am not used to.

I have confided in 6 people about my past in the last few years. Four have nothing to do with me anymore. One of these four, I was very close to even though I knew it was a one-way friendship. She is very religious, kind to others, yet very selfish. (she will admit it) I never see her, used to see her daily at work, and I ran into her at the mall. Now I haven't seen her in months and I did everything for her, and I could tell that should could care less about me. This hurts. P&L, I am not a mean person and can be the most loyal of friends, yet only get stabbed in the back or dumped. The other two friends are nice to me, but we keep things on the surface, because that is only what they are comfortable with. So, without this site, I have no one to express my thoughts to. This worries me and yes I am afraid of getting close to anyone anymore.

You know I wasn't planning on saying this stuff, it just started pouring out.

gg

September 15, 2006
10:24 pm
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I have learned this lesson though: DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR PAST. THEY REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW, THEY REALLY CAN'T DEAL WITH IT, AND THEY LIE IF THEY SAY THEY ARE GOING TO SUPPORT YOU AND BE THERE FOR YOU.

Learning this lesson the hard way was tough and continually is tough!

You said to be myself, but no one really wants that, do they?

September 15, 2006
11:15 pm
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okay, what is with tonight? I had one of my last two friends tell me that she was going to call me tonight and let me know when an event that I would like to attend tomorrow is taking place and where. Well, it's 10:15 and no phone call. You see, P&L, I am invisible to my "friends".

September 16, 2006
12:26 am
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GG

What is so awful about your past that you scare everyone away. Did you serve time in jail? I can't imagine what is so awful.

You know we must be on the same page today. I am dumping my long distance guy. I came to a huge realization with this health scare. I have no time for people who are not nice. I realized that I think he is not a nice person in general. He may be nice to me most of the time, but I don't think he is nice to most people. AND, i have a very difficult time quickly deciphering when people are not nice, if they are educated, dress well, have manners in the beginning, etc. Why does it take me so long to figure out that someone I like is not a nice person? Could it be that my older brother was not nice, yet he was adored by my parents and his peers for so long that I grew up confused? Now, he has no friends, cannot hold down a job, and has a lot of problems. He is still mean, but I gave up on him being the big brother I wanted, even though I still wish he liked me (but I know he probably never will like anyone). Unless someone is blatently a bad person, I cannot figure out who is bad and who is good.

So today with my health scare, I realized that I think this long distance guy just might not be a nice person despite the fact that I have believed for a long time that we got along great, were attracted like magnets, and had good communication. Assessing his character honestly and how he treated his ex-wife and past girlfriends, and maybe others, including me, I am not sure he really is all that nice of a guy. so, I think he just might have to go. My life is too short, and we all know I don't need anything that is a negative.

How do you all know if someone is nice or mean? What you do when you find out someone you like actually is not a nice person? I mean how can that happen? It is an irony. How can we like someone who we think is not nice? Think about it and please give me your thoughtful reply. I think many of us do it. WHY? I want to stop.

Love, P&L

September 16, 2006
7:58 am
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P&L,
1.What is os awful about my past? the abuse and the attack; don't want to talk about it
2.How can we like someone who we think is not nice? This may sound twisted, but there is a coworker that almost everyone can't stand at work. Shis is rude and mean to others. I like her, not because she is rude to others. I think beyond that rough exterior, she is protecting a kind heart that she fears expressing to others. Also, I think she is a strong person and I admire strength. So, does this mean that we look for kindness in others where others may not see it? Or are we the rescuers of hope and change? Or do we think we are not deserving of someone who is nice?
3.When do we find out someone we like is not a nice person? Sometimes it is not until you really get to know them that the truth surfaces.

It is early, just got up, so these are my thoughts now. May have some more later.

Have a stress-free day...gg

September 16, 2006
8:57 am
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P&L, Please don't think I did anything awful; I didn't.

September 16, 2006
1:33 pm
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GG

I DON'T think you did something awful! I think you think you did something awful. I think you think this because i have a feeling that those who were supposed to protect you growing up hurt and confused you.

Am I right?

I think sometimes we believe we disappointed others when, the truth of the matter is, WE were disappointed and let down. Adults can make choices, but children often cannot, and end up paying a price of guilt, shame and confusion for years to come.

Love, P&L

September 16, 2006
2:07 pm
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P&L, I don't think I did anything awful. I don't understand why any of this happened. When I first told the so-called friend from the mall, you know what she said? After she stated that she was sorry, etc., she actually asked me if maybe I had developed early or did I dress inappropriately? That crushed me just like the friend that told me to move on, the past is the past. Enough of this, I prayed this morning to take away this want/need for friendship. Please let me learn to like just being with me. I can't even think there is hope for me liking myself, but that is my goal.

Oh, by the way, I was the "model" child. I made the best grades, participated in school activities, kept my room clean (really didn't have a choice there), tried to please my parents. I was the child that didn't rebel and tried to do my best.

Enough about me, P&L, are you taking it easy today? Don't overexert yourself until we find out what is causing your health problems.

I am going to have lunch, then put all of my energy into in my house, cleaning, organizing, etc. It gives me satisfaction. Hey, don't know if I have told you, but my dad was military and raised us strictly. We had weekly "inspections" of our rooms. He would take a broom under our beds and checked our drawers for folded clothes and for clean closets.
We also had assigned "kitchen duty days." He thought he was so "fantastic".

Thank you P&L for being here,...gg

September 16, 2006
6:20 pm
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Okay, I am taking a break. I went grocery/supply shopping, mowed the backyard, did laundry, vacuumed,organized, and even bought and put out some autumn decorations for a table in the foyer. It was so nice to take my mind off of things.

I felt like I was "riding the fence" this a.m.; either going downhill depressed and what goes with that or fight and get busy. I am so glad I chose the latter. One day, hopefully, I will learn how to deal with things.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY????...(P&L)

September 16, 2006
8:13 pm
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Hey girl, hope you are relaxing or out buying those watercolors. I love watercolor paintings. They are so soft and flowing.

Well, finally get to share something positive, can you belive it? As you can tell my day turned for the better and I kept thinking what you have told me. Accept people how they are and just be me. Oh my news, I just received my evaluation online; that's a new procedure. You either want to score proficient or exceeds expectations. Only a few have gotten exceeds expectations and I DID!!! It was a glowing report and I am happy, yet, don't mean to sound callous, I am good at my job!

I hope you are having a nice day, take care my friend...gg

September 16, 2006
10:22 pm
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I know we should never expect to hear from anyone regularly, but your medical condition has me worried. I hope you are not in a hospital right now. I hope you are on a hot date with a NICE guy who treats you like you deserve to be treated. Or I hope you are with a friend having dinner, movie, etc. Wait, you are the one who has perfected doing things alone. You are going to have to be my teacher there! Maybe you went and bought some art supplies, picked up a few groceries, and are sipping coffee in a bookstore. Okay, just hoping you are alright. gg

September 16, 2006
10:33 pm
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GG

Thanks for your concern. I just don't feel well today...I think from my usual health thing, not the heart thing. I am trying to get my medicine straightened out. I am not sure.

I am really glad to hear you are doing well, and that you got such a good evaluation, and I was happy to hear you say something so positive about yourself. You deserve it, my friend.

Love, P&L

September 16, 2006
10:52 pm
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Sorry you don't feel well, but am so glad I heard from you. This was definitely a roller coaster day for me, but it started negatively and is positive so far.

September 16, 2006
10:55 pm
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Ladies, may i please ask a favor.... Please go post a little something on the thread about foster care. It's for jigs.

September 16, 2006
10:58 pm
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ggfred4
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Hey, I just did!

P&L, I have just read your other thread. I can tell this is weighing on your mind. But I too say, go with your gut instinct. It is hard when you are involved in the situation than from our standpoint. Just listening to clues in what you have stated, it seems that he is not for you. But, that is just what I think.
Plus, I could never fathom the idea of someone in your life not being nice to you!

September 16, 2006
11:09 pm
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I am going to bed soon. Tired after all the work I did. Pushing that lawnmower in the heat did its toll on me.

Hard part is going to be Monday. Facing those fellow coworkers...oh well, that is my life.

I want you to know how much you have helped me these last few weeks. I know things may go back and forth at times, but I appreciate you so much!

Hugs and please take care of yourself...gg

September 16, 2006
11:17 pm
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GG

And, I appreciate you, as do so many people here. I am so glad to see you are feeling better right now. We will be there for each other as things go up and down. You can face the co-workers, just be a "tough brat" like I am! I know you are anyway or you wouldn't be so good at what you do.

Hugs, P&L

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