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Hey, P&L!
September 13, 2006
9:25 pm
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ggfred4
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P&L,
What's up?

September 13, 2006
9:34 pm
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ggfred4
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I want you to read the "letter I will never send" by Rev. It is so touching.

September 13, 2006
11:11 pm
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ok

September 13, 2006
11:30 pm
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read it, hunny.

September 13, 2006
11:37 pm
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what touched you in it, gg?

I am going to the doc tomorrw. trying to get my health stuff straightened out.

How r u?

September 14, 2006
12:29 am
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GG

I guess you went to bed. I think I am getting tired now.

Hugs, P&L

September 14, 2006
7:42 am
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P&L, I crashed last night. Too many nights of unfulfilled sleep caught up with me. About the letter, I just couldn't get over the joy that rose within me for Rev and the hope it gave for all of us for the future. That is why I wanted to make sure you read it.

Today I am having my yearly observation/evaluation at work by someone who is only 4-5 years in the same field. I will be stressed greatly as I always want to show my best work. But, I usually get nervous and talk too fast. I have never received anything negative, but it still is very stressful to me. I can't wait till it is over.

I hope your visit to the doctor goes okay. Let me know.

Take care...gg

September 14, 2006
10:33 am
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GG

glad you got some sleep! GOod luck at work...I hope your competitive side makes you shine! Evaluations are stressful when we take pride in our work, but our drive can be the secret to our success.

I spoke to one doc on the phone last nite and am adding back in one drug that makes me sick (but not depressed) at a lower dose, and I am seeing another doc today (yeah I have a whole team), but I finally decided to get matters under control. No, it is not terminal...just not fun, but I have done okay in life anyway.

I hope free comes back. Let me know how work went!

xox,
P&L

September 14, 2006
1:13 pm
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P&L, Yeah! Evaluation over, don't know how I did though. I do take a lot of pride in my work, so therefore I want to do my best. Yes, and that pride and drive does make me successful and happy with this challenging job.

I am at lunch now ALONE. No one is off with me, but maybe that is for the best. Quiet, reflecting time is good, but I have been getting almost too much lately.

I am sorry to hear that you have to retake meds that make you sick. If you don't mind me asking, in what way? Just worried...

I too hope free comes back; she was so sweet after the mean troll thing.

I don't know if it is a good thing that you have helped me open up. Now, when I type to you, I have a backlog of things to just talk about. See what you started! HA!

Hope you are feeling okay today, take care of yourself....gg

September 14, 2006
1:33 pm
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GG

off to my doc's appt, but will send u quick note.

Glad u survived the evaluation! Keep me posted on ur report, if you care to...

AS for opening up, I am glad to listen, as I know u are here for me too, my friend.

Hey, when you are alone, why not read some CoDA literature? I can recommend some books, if you like...

My meds? Well, my old injections were chemo (even tho I don't have cancer, it is used for my disease as well) an made me depressed! UGH! So, I am off and happier. They also made me unable to eat. Well, I am several meds to keep things stable, but my main "workhorse drugs" make me sick feeling and lose weight, when I am already thin. So, hovering at 100 lbs is tough. I know many women would love to have that problem, but I don't eat a balanced diet or enjoy food. I stick to the same foods that I know don't make me sick or taste really good. I also get very tired from the whole thing (disease & drugs). THe drugs also just make me feel like I have the flu. Hey, there are worse things...it is a darn good thing they have these meds or I would not be functioning. Back when I was a kid, they did not have such advanced therapies, and I was in much worse shape and would be today. So, I am grateful, and who knows who I would be today without having been sick. I think it made me more driven and more compassionate. So, in a way, it was a gift. I also have the greatest doctors (the main one is so just the best ever). So, I imagine I will outlive everyone, because they watch me like a hawk and take such good care of me. I will be okay. I often have flare-ups in times of post-stress...like after I got my PhD. or after a major car accident a few years ago where I was hit by 4 cars cuz some guy decided to hit the gas instead of the breaks.

Thanks for your concern! It means a lot. I will be okay, been doing this for years, and have gotten this far. We all have something...I also have a very supportive mom and dad, who have always been there for me in this, even as a child when I was in and out of the hospital. Now my mom has the same disease, but she got it in her late 60s. People say she should go to a support group, and she says "why? I have my daughter!" I say, "I know you always felt my pain, even before you really felt my pain." I recently raised money in an fund raising event for this disease in her honor, but everyone thought it was for me. When they saw her name on my t-shirt, they were surprised. My mom did not know I was doing it. I got all her friends to contribute. I was supposed to walk 3 miles, and I flunked, cuz the doctor on my team sent me back in a golf cart, cuz I need surgery. However, they took the contribution anyway! I was so glad. I brought my mom the t-shirt with her name on it and one of those plastic bracelets. SHe started to cry. We were so totally bonded. So, it was cool. It was one of the bright moments during this dark year.

Volunteer work can get your mind off yourself during dark times. I also made a friend that day. So, consider your favorite charity/organization as a way to feel good and make friends. It really works wonders!

Okay, off to my appt...more later!
Hugs, P&L

September 14, 2006
6:18 pm
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P&L, Thanks for sharing your story. That was fantastic, what you did for your mom. But, a red flag went up when you said that you need surgery. What's up with that????

Right now, I have two books I haven't been able to get through them and keep avoiding them. I keep them under lock and key at work. One is the Courage to Heal book and workbook which is very hard to get through alone. The other is the CoDependent No More book. Parts of it relate to me and other parts don't; maybe denial?

Okay P&L, this is weighing heavily on my mind and I will continue to be honest to you. I AM SCARED. Besides feeling cruddy this week, I have had a good week due to a lot of our conversations last week. I have opened up a little at work, yet I am myself and it feels good. So what's up you are probably asking? I am scared that I am going or am becoming dependent on your friendship on this site. I am scared that you won't be here if I need you. I am very scared that I am going to scare you off by my neediness. I guess I am scared that you are going to leave me, because of me. This was very, very hard to write. (((((P&L)))))

September 14, 2006
6:49 pm
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GG

u are not going to scare me! THe surgery I needed is not life threatening.

I don't know if I can be much help tonight, I admit. I just got home from the doctor. I am scared. I have to go see another doctor tomorrow morning and I plan to get to sleep early. I cannot concentrate. I got some scary news that needs to be checked out more tomorrow, and I may be having tests. So, I am really anxious at the moment. I am not much good to anyone right now.

I am not one to blame, but I blame this on the events of the past year. THe stress was so bad...I think it affected my health. I am very worried about this now. I usually don't worry about my health, because I have had this my whole life, but now I am scared. Okay, I am gonna go take some deep breaths. I feel very bitter that this is how I spent my last year.

Please don't feel bad at all about asking for my support. In supporting others, we benefit and understand ourselves better. How about if I promise to tell you if I just can't help you about something or it is not something I can relate to? Like tonight, I said, I admit, I am having trouble focusing, but that doesn't mean I don't still care or want you to share with me when I am in better shape. Maybe after I take some deep breaths I will be better. I find focusing on others very beneficial when I can...I will check back in a little while when I calm down from my news. Okay?

Love, P&L p.s. I would be sad to lose your online friendship too.

September 14, 2006
7:09 pm
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P&L, I had to tell you that stuff because I think that is what I have done to others after learning about codependency. I just feel so alone a lot. I just don't want to do anything to lose this online friendship, but still want to be myself with you. I do have a big problem with abandoment, but don't know why.

Now, I am worried about YOU! Scary news; this is hard to hear from this end when I can't do anything for you. I pray for my immediately family and a few of the closest people to me about every day. You have and will be in those prayers.

I know what you mean about it being beneficial to help others; it does feel good. Yes, I always want you to be honest with me because that helps me trust.

Please take care tonight. Can you have a glass of wine? Just a thought...

Hugs from gg

September 14, 2006
7:19 pm
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GG

thanks, my friend. you are so sweet. I can't drink wine with my drugs...I wish I could! I am shaking. I am so bitter right now, which is so not me. Sometimes we need a wake up call to think about how we have spent our time in the past year. Feeling bitter is a useless emotion. I feel like writing a letter to the guy at work who tortured me (or I should say, I let torture me...I let it happen, and never will again), and saying that I hope he enjoys the money he took without remorse from me (and from the innocent, loving people who work with me), and he should use that tainted money to buy a $3.50 condolence card for my parents. Okay, I guess this is a safe place to vent. GG, this is a lesson in the importance of boundaries. I had weak boundaries and I let it happen. Nice people often do. Be careful out there. When I find out for sure tomorrow, I might tell you what is going on. If I don't write tomorrow, I am in the hospital.
But, I will be back tonight.

It might not be as bad as I am thinking. I need to get educated in this matter. IT just sounds scary.

Thanks for praying for me.

Love, P&L

September 14, 2006
7:40 pm
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P&L:

Be kind to yourself. Each of us has let our boundaries be trampled at one time or another, sometimes repeatedly by the same person. I know that I have, only recently in fact.

You are in my thoughts and prayers too. Wishing you well with the health issues.

(((P&L)))

Moon & Stars

September 14, 2006
8:16 pm
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Hey Moon & Stars! Thanks for helping me out last week! You too are so kind.

P&L, the bitterness is a normal reaction to your news. Too bad you can't have a glass of wine.

About the boundaries; I know I have a problem there. I think I allow people to run all over me because I am seeking friendship. I used to not be like this; I don't know what has happened to me in my adult life.

P&L, you don't have to tell me what is going on if you don't feel comfortable. I will be here for you either way. If I don't hear from you tomorrow, I'll be sending tons of hugs your way. If you have to go in the hospital, please contact me as soon as you can.

How are you doing M&S?

gg

September 14, 2006
9:53 pm
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GG & M&S (nice to hear from u)

TO be honest, I suddenly look back on the past year and feel like I was trampled on by a MACK truck.

Listen, even if I havet to go to the hosp, which I doubt, I will demand I come home first to clean my house! I refuse to have anyone come here and find my bathrooms and kitchen not being sparkling clean! You think I am kidding? I am not. I am in no mood to clean them tonight. I don't care if I drop dead in the process.

Okay, here is the deal. They think I have a heart arythmia probably due to a longstanding severe potassium deficiency for which I take supplements (this is not my main health problem, but my main health problem can affect my internal organs..so far it has not..or it could be an independent problem). I thought I had allergies, because I was short of breath. I went to the allergist today, and he said no way is it from allergies (which I have a touch of)...it is classic arythmia, and although my stress may be contributing to it, it is more likely due to other factors, because it is worse on exertion, worse in the shower, worse even when walking from my car to his building, and I feel like I just spent an hour in aerobics. When I take a shower, I often have to get out and lie down with the conditioner on my hair. We have to sort out whether all my regular meds are contributing to the problem or not, or whether I have a valve problem or what. My heart recently seemed to have skipped a beat. It was a weird experience. My pulse has been too high, but my blood pressure is okay. MY family does has some heart problems, but mine can be traced to some specific explanations.

Anyway, I don't doubt that the stress of this year did not help. That is why I felt bitter and why I felt like it was a wake up call. What a way to spend the last year. Time to make some changes, which I have been doing already anyway. So, first things first. I am going to get this taken care of and have whatever tests I need. I often feel out of breath and like I just finished working out. I often have to sit down after doing something and wait until my heart slows down. I can trace it to specific activities. So, we will see. Maybe it is just anxiety. I hope so. Either way, I am sad that this year has come to this. That is the story. So, GG, that is just how comfortable I feel talking to you, my friend. I wanted you to know.

I guess when they say "cardiologist" to someone in her 40s, it is a bit freaky.

Lots of love,
P&L

September 14, 2006
10:07 pm
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Wow girl! I wish I had some kind of medical background to comprehend it all. You make me feel so special that you feel comfortable to share it with me. I am glad you wanted me to know.

P&L, please keep me up to date on your tests. You have been under extreme stress this year, and somtimes it takes its toll on the body. Please don't get too sad and/or bitter until you have some results. I know that will be hard.
How you are feeling now is normal for what all you have been through.

Don't think I haven't noticed that you capitalize my initials! I don't know why I have that problem and why I can't get over it.

I read Terri88's thread and had to reply. When I did, no one had written her back and that always bothers me if there is just a #1 by a thread. I wouldn't want that to be me. Her story shook me up and it took all my bravery, which isn't much, to write back. I am not good at giving advice, but I try to support.

hugs and care....gg

September 14, 2006
10:10 pm
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Oh, Terri's thread was entitled Mom, I injure myself.

September 14, 2006
11:09 pm
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Of course, I capitalize your name. It is your name, and I respect you. Ms. GG!

Gonna try to relax. Don't know if I can read other threads right now.

Thank you for your kind support. Will try to calm down and be more giving tomorrow, I hope.

Hugs, P&L

September 14, 2006
11:17 pm
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Please keep in touch as soon as you can! This is important to me!!!!

cpt and I were discussing trying to do the courage to heal workbook that I tried, got upset, and locked up... on line in a sort of group effort. I know I need to deal with it, but if I do, I will need your support also. I am not sure about it though.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU AS I WILL BE WORRIED!!!

HUGS,,,gg

September 14, 2006
11:21 pm
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Sweet and calm dreams for you...gg

September 14, 2006
11:36 pm
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GG

Do the workbook when you are ready and when it will do more good than harm...of course, I will support you as much as possible!

I surely will let u know ASAP...probably tomorrow when I get home.

Thanks for wishing me sweet and calm dreams. I hope I can get some sleep.

Thanks for caring, and helping me calm down.

Nite!

Hugs,
P&L

September 15, 2006
1:25 am
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P&L,It's midnight and I just woke from a dead sleep filled now with nervous anxiety. I do this every now and then; tonight I know no reason why. So, if you don't mind, I might just type while I try to relax and calm myself so I can go back to sleep.

September 15, 2006
1:39 am
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P&L,I don't know when I'll be ready for the workbook as it sits and acquires dust in a closet. Yet, I just committed to "try" with cpt and quilter so far once a week. Now I am physically shaking inside. I know I need to deal with it, but the old me wants to hide, run, avoid, and keep it in the closet. Now, I will have to pull it out and try.

One of the reasons I want your support is that I want someone who hasn't been through "it" to understand me and I guess acceptance. I know others that have will understand. I don't know if I make sense here. oh well...

I hope you are sleeping restfully now and will await your medical news.

Hugs...gg

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