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Hey everybody
November 17, 2000
4:36 pm
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Cici
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I've been posting here for over a year now, and I wonder how many of that old cadre are still either lurking or posting? It's been a bit spotty lately, then again teh site was down for so long a while ago that I alost abandoned it altogether!

I wonder what's happening in everyone's lives? We spend so much time talking about our problems that we can't celebrate our successes! Isn't that just as importnat, if not more so?

November 17, 2000
4:42 pm
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Cici
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I'll start (heh heh heh)

I'm pretty excited today because I landed my first real internship for next semester. It's at a maximum security facility for those who were deemed mentally unfit to stand trial for violent crimes or sex offenses (whew!). I was leery at first, but they have a great internship program where they pair students with counselors (who also serve as our escorts in case of any violent action) and we get into the thick of things. The population is about 70% schizophrenic/schizo-subtypes, and about 10% antisocial personality disorder (the untreatable lifers).

I also recently saw a holistic doctor who somehow managed to help put me into remission from my digestive disease (I also want to mention that 6 different doctors at three different hospitals could not help me, while this herbal stuff did!).

So things are going a lot better now than they have been in a long while. I've stayed drug free and managed to pull my GPA up to a 3.0.

Now, Eve, Molly, Tez, guest_guest, everybody, what's happening in your lives that we can all celebrate?

November 18, 2000
10:48 am
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Adena
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November 18, 2000
1:02 pm
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eve
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Thanks, Cici, Good idea,

hmmm. I came here about a year ago because I had trouble at work whith a new employee. We fought a lot and I reacted very emotionally and angry to her. It took us about 4 to 5 months to get a reasonable working relation. And things got really relaxed after it became clear that she would leave in October (one month ago), because she is pregnant and will stay home whith the child. I now think I understand why I reacted to her whith such "huge" emotional responses. She resembled in some aspects my grandmother, who cared for me after my ma killed herself when I was 2 years old - and I guess (I don't remember my mother) that some of her depressive behavior triggered responses that I learned very early on whith my mother.
I'm still working on my life in general, but things are looking much better. 'My' business is running smoothly and I actually plan to take more time off work and have some private life, too.

Who's next? And what became of kitten, tears, BROC and the others....

November 18, 2000
1:57 pm
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janes
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I can't remember when I started here. A year ago?

My visits have been spotty..life with tons of teens and A.D.D. people and elderly parents (one currently injured) leaves a codependent with a lot to crawl out from under. My hubby is one class away from his teaching degee but just dropped the class. I am somewhat annoyed.

Good things...my delinquent daughter turned 21 and is showing amazing signs of maturity. Good things...the ability to live a hectic busy life (two jobs) and yet be able to look for beautiful thing and enjoy the fact that I am ..here...now...alive...content with me.. and am getting by with the things I can't change (mainly other people's behavior-they can claim them..I'm busy)

Congrats on the internship Cici. I am sure it is going to be a super learning experience.

Good for you Eve...sometimes the small steps mean the most.

Who's next?

I'd love to know how Broc is....

November 18, 2000
6:13 pm
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I'm still kicking and celebrating being alive. Too many of my friends have taken that great leap into the unknown!

November 18, 2000
8:13 pm
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Cici
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Great news guys, let's keep it going!

November 19, 2000
4:56 am
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nhonst
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i'm new here and i find it alot of help just reading your discussions here.. i will be a regular here and i promise to myself that i will be here for a very long time until i'm fully happy each day as i wake up. i think discussion about life problems helps alot becuase it raises awareness in the mind and helps how to deal with alot of things instead of making the wrong decisions.. you people are very very wonderful people.. and your words will heal alot of wounds : )

November 19, 2000
8:19 pm
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autumn38
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Hi everyone, I'm new to this too. I'm finding it very helpful reading about life's problems. It makes me more aware of the problems we face on a daily basis and how we can deal with them.
I am so happy that I discovered this site. It's great to hear about true life and true people. I truely feel a part of everyone here. 🙂

November 19, 2000
8:33 pm
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my sucess? well i failed in a course, but got my grade changed so my gpa is also saved now. other than that, no other sucess as such 🙁

November 19, 2000
10:46 pm
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divy
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first time here

hey

November 20, 2000
12:53 pm
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Cici
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C'mon guest, you have to find something that you've succeeded in!!!!!!!

Hey to all teh newbies, it's a great place to come for support but make sure to get support, not enabling!

November 20, 2000
6:59 pm
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Molly
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Well, lets see, I got a real good lesson on acceptance this weekend, and some hard earned dues paid off. It was the birthday on Saturday, and rather than fear dissappointment with the spouse who is often like Sybil due to his meds, and selfishness, I chose to make a trip up to see my daughters, things have been shakey since the blow up with my oldest in February,( when most likely for the first time in her life, I confronted her behavior) and my youngest has co-signed her stuff, I understand as they currently live and work together. When the oldest picked me up at the train station, I was in such a good mood, she was distant and polite, as she has been for the last 1 1/2 years. After listening to her share how wonderful her life is so full of her father, her grandmother, her sister, aunt, and friends, I said to her I want our relationship to be what it was, that I miss the closeness that we had shared, and that frankly I was envious, of the fact that she can call, visit, everyone but me, and that it hurt. I was told that this was the best that she could do, and would not discuss the "what ever happened" I started to cry and said I was stepping out side for a minuet. She called her sister at work, tossing a fit, we were supposed to go eat at the place that they work, so I could visit both. I walked in the door just as she hung up, only gone for 1-2 minuets remaining in her drive way, and she said that her sis was on the way, and that she too needed to go for fresh air, which of course I would understand, and that our relationship would never be what it was in the past.Period. After 20 minuets I went to look for her, then after 1 hour I called where they work, and was told that the youngest had left . I went to look again, and after 2 hours, I grabbed my things, and left a note that I had gone to find a hotel. When I had checked in to the hotel, I called their answering machine, and left a message that I was safe, and would call in the morning. In the morning my youngest answered the phone, and said that she would meet me in 15 minuets. She was alone when she arrived, we got in the car for breakfast, and I was told that I am severly mentally ill, and need medical attention. Holding back my tears, as this has been the foundation of their diagnosis, we parked the car and proceeded to the restraunt. Sitting at the table hiding behind the menu, I ordered breakfast, as did my youngest, and she proceeded to support the basis of her conclusion. Although she was not there, and although she is not a doctor, yet, with her knowledge, and her sisters friend who is in her third year of behavioral training, they believe me to be bi-polar, and desperately need medication. I excused my self at this point, and went to the restroom because only the mentally ill cry, and immediately went into my yoga position of down dog. With several deep clensing breaths, I was able to regroup the emotions, and go back.Yoga works. I nodded and agreed to therapy, smiled and tried small talk, I did display a slight attitude when I discovered that when my oldest went outside, my youngest had picked her up, and both had left me sitting alone with out a clue for the time that I sat abandonded. Of course they did no wrong, It is all me.My youngest is certain that her sister is fine, and it is me. The train schedule was off, and I had to take a bus which was a lesson in control. After 6 hours on the road, and over 24 hours of tears, I arrived home, wanting desperatly to go to bed. My husband who did not want to hear of anything, said get dressed we are going out. I recieved for the first time in 12 years phone calls of happy birthday from my husbands children and grand children, and was given a surprise party by my husband the first ever in 12 years. So we don't always get what we want but get what we need. I told my youngest that I obviously had taught them some how that they could treat me this way, and was sad at the oldest's behavior, I spoiled her I know this to be true, and own it. The bi-polar, I suggested could be menopause, and pretending to be happy when your not, but boy I sure welcome, and have encouraged the therapy, and apologized for my youngest getting caught in the middle. I celebrated my husband for the miracles that he created, and thanked God, that he fineally got it, involving me with his family, and it is so strange, for years fighting with him for a family situation,his being so close with his children, never letting me in, that they got it some how, that what my intentions have been over the years. Like I have said to others, and must own with my own, they will come around. So it is bittersweet, or bipolar, I am feeling complete, and greatful for the what is, and learning patience. I am sad that my oldest is going through what ever it is that she must work through,I am sorry that my youngest is stuck but learning, she quit her job 3 weeks ago, and told her sis, last week that she needs to move out, but she got manipulated into her sisters needs, who was her boss at work, and that the oldest, cannot be open, or express herself, but we must all work through our lessons, and thus the acceptance. I know my husband is crazy most of the time, but he is getting there. I have hope, love, and faith.

November 21, 2000
12:08 am
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Whew...what a birthday weekend...but you sound so resolved and almost at peace with it. Good for you with the yoga. Finding soething that works for you is so great.

that old saying..every cloud has a silver lining....Faith, hope love...that is a lot to have!!!

I wish you peace in your heart of hearts, with your self and for your self.

contentment and beauty to you!!!

November 21, 2000
2:20 pm
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Cici
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Molly, to be quite honest, you're an impressive woman. Strong, honest, up front in a society that rewards back-biting and back-peddling.

I hoep that things do get better. If you do start therapy, then I would say at least sak your daughters to come for one session, one at a time. If you've got a good therapist, the therapist may be able to do a little wake-up call for them. Adult children tend to listen to outside authority over thier own parents (how ironic).

I think maturity is the key. I was a bitchy little self-centered whiney brat with my mother during my first years of college. I had to suffer with my drug addiction alone before I learned to value my family. As my Dad often says, "Suffering makes the soul." What a soul you have, Molly!

November 21, 2000
5:58 pm
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Molly
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Thank you both, and again we never know where the support will come from when we need it, just got to be open to the possibilities. I got a wind fall today, a thank you letter from my spouses youngest child, (who was a true source of problems between us all) as a birthday acknowledgement. Like the whole world thinks you are crazy, and you begin to wonder, and that one little voice says no you were the only person in my life that made sense when I was growing up, I was just spoiled, and my parents bought into it, he is only 20. I am amazed.
I fully intend to go to the counseling, personally I can't wait to get the oldest in there. I really don't think she will go.My youngest is supposed to make the appointments, with a therapist in their area. I think it is best that they feel some controll in this. It is so sad to see the way the oldest is tugging at the youngest, but the youngest must learn her lessons too, thank God, she is basically grounded. Oh, how well I know that children do not listen to their parents, I called it mother deafness, selective hearing. The truth is after several hours on a bus, it is easy to accept just about anything but another bus ride. I swear and promise to never jepordize my drivers license!!!!! Thanks again friends.

November 21, 2000
6:16 pm
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sarah82
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hi, i am new here. i hope i can get the hook up with some new advice.

November 21, 2000
8:05 pm
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Hey, I haven't been around for awhile - used to be vrj - thought I'd get less formal 8D haha. Molly, I'll mail you. I guess I started coming around a year and a half ago. In the past 6 months I've changed jobs, actually left where I worked for 14 years, bought a new car, done major renovations on my house (still in progress), done alot of thinking, found some new friends, quit smoking (3 weeks and counting), made some decisions regarding my relationship and found out many things about myself. So, alot has happened. I don't write here much anymore but I still want to thank all of you even if you didn't talk directly to me. I"ve learned alot. Molly, Tez (you ask tough questions), guest_guest, JOecool/BROC, Skye/etc, CICI, onandon. Thanks

November 21, 2000
10:21 pm
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janes
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olly.... do your self a favor too and find Yourself a therapist you like. This is for you and not for them. They are important...and they will learn and grow. I just don't want it to be at your expense. You are worth "your own therapist"

Lovve you

November 22, 2000
11:48 am
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Cici
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It's hard to find a therapist. I say this because we casually throw the term around, but you don't realize how hard it is until you try.

It's strange because the people who need the most guidance can be led down so many wrong paths. If I had stayed with my first psychiatrist, I would be a drugged-up, unfeeling entity. And then again, maybe that wouldbe blessed calm compared to the emotional swings I'm feeling now!

What a life. What a world. Isn't it strange how someone you've never met before can be such a comfort to you? I'm getting philosophical. I'm hurting a lot today, my joints are on fire and I have to see a rheumatologist. My body is falling apart, dammit! Ug.

November 22, 2000
5:04 pm
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VR(J)

Lest old acquaintances be forgot....Aud Lang Zine.

Skye, Joe Cool etc. Dem were the de days. Such excitement. 🙂

What do yah reckon Guest_guest?

November 22, 2000
6:01 pm
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Molly
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My very dear friend who is also a therapist suggested that I secure one, however, Cici, in the field, you know just how hard it is. There are so many different takes, when the bomb dropped in February I did seek support, I was told it was just their growth spurt to be seperate from mom. I sincerely believe that my oldest suffered some sort of trauma, she displayed all the signs. Even with my training, I know that I am some what biased. She had told me a story of a friend that had been raped, just before her highschool graduation. It was a special time that she had requested to get insight for her friend. I watched her close, and spent lots of time with her in her first 2 years of college, driving up there at the drop of a hat, far less any maternal concearn. She had displayed every sign of anorexia, severe controll, eating in the middle of the night, and over achievement. She never has shown closeness to men, and never dated much so the absence of boyfriends, was not suspicious, she was always telling me of some hottie that she was scoping etc. When I went to her sisters graduation, a parent who I have known since the oldest and his daughter went to first grade, expressed his apologies about my oldest's rape. That was immediately dismissed by all including my daughter as gossip. Then the summer between her sophmore and junior year, I helped her move in to her new home, I had the opportunity( bad mom here, but protective) to read her diary's which were left in the pile of books for me to put on a shelf. I read of her drug experimentation, which went beyond experimentation. I never said a word, but presented her with many books. In May the end of her sophmore year, 3 of her roommates were killed in a car accident, on the way home from a hiking day trip, she was supposed to go , but had to go to work at the last second. My guess is that they were stoned, and lost control of the car. needless to say it was traumatic. Shortly after that she was on the way home to see me, never stopping on the way until close to the house when a tire came off her car, she safely stopped the car and was uninjured, but two very close calls. I felt the drift of our relations mostly the later part of her junior and senior year of college. I must admit that I in her senior year was emotionally absent. I was seperated, and seperating from my spouse, the youngest had lots going on with her highschool graduation, and I lost my mom. I helped her financially with $1500. that she was supposed to repay when she got her financial aid, and I needed repayment. In March she had come to visit me in my new local, and just had to have a $100 hat, she asked to borrow the money which I did not have, but lent it any how. At the end of March I confronted her on the $1500 and the $100 and reminded her that although her father had bought her a new car, she was to have made payments on the car I had bought her in high school that she couldn't drive any more due to the tire situation, she fliped out. In June she fineally confessed to me that in April she had gotten a drunk driving arrest that her sis bailed her out of , but her father discovered because he was on title to the car. needless to say, I approached it with kid gloves, her dad handled most of the legal stuff, but what ever the courts dished out was punishment enough, no help from me, that is for sure, other than emotional support. From that time on dad has been the close one, and several trips to see him. Ok, so the jabs, of my parents being alcoholics and alcoholism being solely genetic started to get to me. Then the sin of sin, I reconcilled with the spouse ( not her father, but spouse of 12 years in Jan.) and the bomb in Feb, when I confronted her on no phone calls returned for Valentines Day, was hit with a 12 year memory repression, she claims that she cannot remember anything of her highschool years etc.. So I think my baby, has some caca to deal with and of course when I asked of the rape if it could possibly be true, I am just trying to find blame, and not accept my behavior. So I am complete knowing that it is not all me, and there is an opportunity for a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, and I am honost, and get real with my emotions, which she is not able to do, thus my anxiousness for treatment. I fear her father told her that I violated her privacy with the diary situation, fool that I am trusted him, with what I thought was crutial information to the total picture. Just more detail in the picture for you all, and thanks for your energy, love and support. I am hanging. I am a fighter, but know when to let go, ( slowly that is) It is just so hard to be a mom, letting them learn the lessons, but as I said to my friend the other day, thank God, that we know that there are lessons that we come to learn, and that no one can help us. We get it sooner or later, and if she wants to find fault with me, in wanting a close loving just like it used to be relationship with her and her sis, what a way to go down, as a mom that is.

November 26, 2000
1:43 am
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Hey Eve,
I came across your email address the other day...and for some reason I decided to check here. Haven't posted in a long time...life can be consuming at times. I miss talking to you all. You've helped me through some rough spots. Although, I must say, sometimes Tez, after some of your responses I wanted to find the nearest bridge. I'm still in school--whew, am I ever. For some reason I took the 3 hardest classes this semester. Don't think I'll be getting a 4.0 this time, but at least my head hasn't exploded as yet. My children are fine...my house is still standing... my car is still running...and yes, my bf is still around. The difference is my attitude towards him. Life is going on and will continue to do so whether he decides to marry me or not. I never thought I could do all that I have done in the past year, but I have...most importantly, I did it myself. And not because of him. Yep, I'm a person, too, not just the shadow behind him. Is it possible to be born twice? Eh, Tez?
K

November 26, 2000
4:57 pm
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Kitten.

Phew! How can I resists?

You said,"...I did it myself. And not because of him. Yep, I'm a person, too, not just the shadow behind him. Is it possible to be born twice? Eh, Tez?"

Born twice? Yes, born a million times over. Life seems to me to be a long series of mini-deaths and rebirths on an instant by instant basis in our process of experiencing of the unfolding of the flower that is each of us; not to mention the possibility/probability of reincarnation.

Most of our troubles seem to come from our obsession with holding on to our old ideas and fighting against change. When we let go and flow with the currents, life seems to have a way of 'working out'. This is not to imply becoming obsequient, acquiesient or totally passive. It seems to me that taking responsibility for our living processes is desirable. But preoccupation with outcomes - that quickly fade into the past - can result in much misery.

One of the old ideas that I see as destructive, is that a woman should be in the 'shadows' behind her man. I'm not a Hilary Clinton fan, but I see that she is a shining example of a woman who has not allowed her husband to 'overshadow' her. Yet at the same time, she seems to have allowed Bill to equally be his own 'man', no matter how painful that has been for her. Of course, I don't really know what goes on behind the scenes.

The death of old ideas is the prerequisite for the birth of new ones. It's a fascinating destruction/creation scenario that is a necessary part of change. And the constancy of change is the guarantee of an infinity possibility for new experiences for all life forms.

November 26, 2000
9:11 pm
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Tez,
I am after all a Scorpio, as is Hilary. It seems that certain people must go through many deaths and rebirths before they can truly see the path in front of them. Most true Scorpios do this from the time they are born, often in the literal sense. Each death is in itself birth. I don't want to get back into one of our former discussions of what death means...returning to the womb, etc, but I think you know what I'm talking about. Maybe standing in the shadow of a man was a good thing--can be a good thing. From there I could watch and learn, see the qualities I wished to hold onto and those I rejected. Could it be from that place we get to see the aspect of self that we reject or that aspect we are afraid to embrace. In the shadows of the bf, I began to see how my fears drive me to behaviors and I saw how his fears did the same to him. Men seem to have better coping skills when it comes to fear...yet, it is, never-the-less there. I guess the trick is to make sure fear is not the winner. He (Fear) is a powerful enemy, towering in strength, but one that falls pretty quickly if you know where to land the punch! How do you feel about the theory that we all respond to life from either a position of love or fear? There are many books out there on the subject...Is it possible to have a complete life and have a handle on both of those aspects?
k

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