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he's 'supposed' to move out tonight- and I'm really scared and sad...thedogsmom
April 17, 2007
3:53 pm
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lettingo
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thedogsmom,
I am so glad to hear you will be starting therapy. In time you will do what you need to do. You have to be able to make decisions that feel right to you. My family and friends were so confused as to why I was putting up with my ex's crap but I just wasn't ready. It took therapy and time. Eventually, I knew it was time to make the necessary steps. You will get there. Go easy on yourself. I know this is so hard. You head tell you one think and your emotions another. I believe there will come a day when you won't feel sorry for him. You will have compassion but that is different.

April 17, 2007
8:21 pm
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readytobefree
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TDM,

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate them. I was in therapy initially when my husband and I seperated a few years back and it helped. I am contemplating going back, it gives you the freedom to express yourself, openly and honestly without holding back or worrying if you will be hurting someone's feelings or letting someone down.

I am the first one to look at other's in crazy situations and wonder why or how they would put up with it....and I am also the first one in denial that my life can so easily go in a downward spiral.

As letting go mentioned above, compassion is a different feeling and when you reach this point of detaching yourself you will understand. It is ok to be concerned and it is also ok to know that it is not your job to fix this situation at hand. This other person has to take responsibility for their life and actions.

It makes me crazy because I see this person that I so want to share my life with, but I know that goal is unattainable and I fight with myself in my heart knowing that what I want with him I can never have...especially if after 17 years and the long road we have been down still portrays this individual who has changed in MANY positive ways but still goes back to those old habits so imprinted in his make up. My head tells me to smarten up and cut the ties, count my loses and move on....if it was only so black and white. If only....

Nobody can make you initiate that choice and decision, you will work through this as long as you are putting in the work for yourself and taking responsibility of your issues. As hard as we try...and God knows we codependents TRY...we cannot change others.

You mentioned TRUST...the core to any relationship. How are you supposed to move forward when this foundation is broken, how can you invest in someone when you can't trust their choices. I think that is the bottom line for me, I don't trust my spouse with my heart and I am so on gaurd with my child's heart. He is a great father and I pray that this continues, I pray that he is smart enough to not break our child's heart.

After so many years of being the glue, being the responsible adult, I am so tired. I can do this and I will for my child but not for another adult that is supposed to be my partner in this life. I second guess everything, I check our cell phone bill, I check pockets, I don't share bank account information, I track everything..it makes me crazy in the head. You are supposed to safeguard yourself agains strangers, not your spouse or significant other. Something is definately wrong with this picture.

And really what I don't get and what I feel is so unfair...some people just get that and make a decision and move along and others...like us with codependent issues....hang in there for the long haul, what is this torture? Why can't we let go!! I want to...but it is like baby steps. I am always so safe in my choices, ugh!!

Good luck to you, I hope you have a great week away from the day to day drama and you are able to refresh your spirit at the conference (I think that is what I read you were doing). Take a deep breath and take care of you.

April 17, 2007
8:37 pm
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dustpuff
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sorry I haven't been here for awhile. I lost touch.

TDM~ you are doing all you can right now and hopefully the counselor will be able to turn you in the direction you are trying so hard to turn. It will be you though that will finally say stop, that's enough!

hang in there...

April 25, 2007
6:40 am
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thedogsmom
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I want to thank each and every one of you again for responding and helping me through this sad 'letting go' of someone I still love dearly.

He moved out last night while I was sleeping and left this note
"I leave you now for your peace of mind. I am truly sorry from the heart and heart broken for what you had to go through. I love you like I have no other will of my heart, mind and soul. forever...
I always will"

I guess that was my tidy 'nice' ending. I think he should have said "I am truly sorry from the heart and heart broken for what I PUT YOU THROUGH"...

I spent the day eating junk food and laughing and crying watching sappy movies. I will have the locks changed today.

You all were right. I made it much harder on myself by once again letting him back in due to my need to take care of him. It is his responsibility to take care of himself.

I just returned from a seminar in Boulder Colorado and really enjoyed my time away with my friend-co-workers. It was a very busy event and I still had trouble sleeping--television only brought bad news of the sadness and murders there,,along with more news on addiction. Most of the time, however I was able to forget and I practiced relaxation yoga in my room every night.

I had let HIM stay at the house while I was away as he said he wanted to have his children over. When I returned I found no evidence of his children having stayed here, however found another meth pipe. I had another angry outburst and told him to get out. He lied and said he did not use while I was away. Not true--as I had moved the furniture before I left and would have noticed it.
Guess it doesn't matter- but again it caused me to lose another nights sleep-- and I still had to pull another 12 hour shift while he slept in. When I returned from work-- so very weary and tired that night I headed straight for bed. His bags were packed AGAIN and he called me back into the room and asked me to help him find a drug rehap center as he "lost' his information. I SCREAMED at him-- that I was TIRED and couldn't help him anymore! that I couldn't even think-- that I lost sleep because of him and still had to go to work a grueling schedule of 12 hours of back to back patients with one break-- while he continued to "use" me and ditch work. HE said he did go to work. I went to my room and passed out. Did not hear him leave. Awoke to find the note in the middle of the night. Was somewhat 'relieved'.. and very sad.

I know it's the best for both of us.
Why do I still feel guilty- that I didn't help him find a program- when I KNOW he needs help?

TDM

April 25, 2007
9:45 am
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lettingo
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thedogsmom,
PLEASE understand that he is using manipulation and anything to keep you. My ex was the same way. I wouldn't even take his calls so he even texted me "I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you" BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! And I love the one "can you help me find a rahab". I don't mean to sound sacrastic it's just I'VE BEEN THERE! Basically the "addict" is trying to keep you hooked. I have an alanon sponsor and she would contantly remind me that these are just hooks. Him getting help is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Just like it wasn't mine. And believe me, I did it all, drove him to detox (6 times) would have gotten him into the best rehab because I have excellent insurance but he "really" didn't want to go. He just tried the poor me look I'm trying to get help, don't leave me. Today, he is still using, still scaming doctors getting arrested for forging prescriptions. He KNOWS exactly what he has to do to get help but choses not too. YOU didn the RIGHT THING. TRY TRY TRY not to have contact with him for at least 30 days. You will begin to see so much clearer!

April 25, 2007
8:45 pm
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readytobefree
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TDM,

I too have been where you are...it is hard but keep moving forward in your direction, not his. Do not allow him to manipulate him, he has the power to change his life, not you.

Take care of you, listen to your body. Sleep, get out and exercise, put good food into to nourish your body. I won't say the road ahead will be easy but you will not have that chaos under your roof and in your home that you work hard for. Nourish your soul and find peace.

You can't save him, he has to make the first move and he has to be serious and even then....he has a long road of recovery ahead of him if he choses that path. If he is able to get his hands on drugs, then he is able to make the call to a hotline, get to a hospital and ask for help to detox and head to the rehab.

I remember my husband telling me a story about how he cried one time after we had broken up, I had dropped our son off to him for a short visit, I ran a few errands. My husband said he cried watching our son sleep, he wanted him to stay but yet he wanted me to come back and get him so he could get high. It tore him up inside. It tears me up while I recall this incident and it makes me so sad. Shortly after this he called a family member that brought him to the hospital and he began to take the steps to change his life. I couldn't do it for him.

It's hard to watch someone you either have loved or still care about endure hard times...just pray that in the end they will walk away a better person for what they have gone through. I do believe the "addict" is sorry in his/her own way, it is part of the disease. I hate drugs, I hate the power they play in people's lives.

I wish you the best....reach out for support if you need it, stay positive and take care of you. You deserve it.

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