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he's 'supposed' to move out tonight- and I'm really scared and sad...thedogsmom
April 8, 2007
11:34 pm
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Loralei
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"He said he was worried when I didn't come home on friday."

That has got to be the lamest excuse yet! Like when was the last time he worried enough about you to clean up his act, get a job, pay you back, quit lying, and stay off drugs? he only worries about himself, no one else.

Yes, you do need for him to move out, NOW. Change the locks asap so he won't surprise you anymore. He is so toxic for you. The sooner he is completely out of your life, the sooner you can get back to living. Hang in there.

April 9, 2007
10:54 am
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Shaney
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Whoa - that's a bunch of crap that he was there after telling you he had enough blankets to keep him warm in his truck. Oh please - that was all to make you feel nice and guilty before your trip. You know that, though. He really plays on your sympathy. I know you worry about him, and offering him your home while you were away, was the NICE thing to do, but if you really want this to take hold and stick, and if you really want him to take you seriously, then you can't extend that sort of life line any more. I know it's hard - but it really seems like you DO want your space. That's a major step, dogsmom. You really experienced such feelings of sadness and regret when he was finally leaving - try not to put yourself through that time and time again. Going through it once, was enough. Protect your feelings and protect your heart by really trying to make these on-the-spot decisions with YOU in mind - not him. He will be just fine... but for YOU to be okay, you're the one who will have to make that happen - you can't depend on him for anything but to drag you down. You've been pulling yourself UP for the last week and it HAS to feel quite liberating to you! Keep it up :o) - we're proud of you. So while you're good and pissed off... change those locks and destroy all of the keys except for one (YOURS). You're doing good!

Forget about HIM, how was VEGAS!

April 9, 2007
11:25 am
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Shaney
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Another thing... :o)

"I cannot seem to talk to him in a way that is helpful to him with all this anger..."

Keep reminding yourself that it's not your responsibility to be "helpful" to him. The whole idea of letting him go, is for YOU to learn to release these feelings of obligation that you feel toward him. It would be nice is he took this opportunity to help himself... but this act of letting go, ultimately needs to be for YOU.

April 9, 2007
12:06 pm
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lettingo
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Your post got my blood totally boiling!!! I felt like you were me about six months ago. We are twins in this. I swear my ex pulled all the same crap. They use every %$*(&% card in the deck. I loved you line,
"Are these nice men with a problem of addiction? or are they charming con-artists?" I ask myself that and I believe they are con artist.

When I told my ex he needed to move out, he didn't the same thing, boo hoo. I too would ask him where he was staying but trust me, this is a mistake. DON"T ASK! Let him figure it out. And I can't tell you how many times he would talk about a rehab place he would be going to or is waiting for a bed. You are r ight when you said "I know he just wants to stay" and that is why he will use guilt, or try to make you feel sorry for him, or act like he is trying to get his crap together. I am telling, I went through every thing you described and it still continued. Today, my ex is still using and still ripping people off. THEY ARE LIARS! Check out a book called "Addict in the Family". It really opened my eyes. You husband like my ex is not respecting your wishes and your welfare. I would highly recommend having no contact for at least 21 days. Don't feel sorry for him because believe me when I say they are survivors!!!

April 9, 2007
12:10 pm
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lettingo
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I concur with Shaney, change your locks! After I had my ex move out, he was actually getting in through a side window and stealing from me. This is after he said he was getting better and blah, blah, freakin blah! Still makes me so angry. Please learn from my mistakes and DO NOT TRUST THE addict in your life. Their brains are just screwed up. I think they actually believe the lies they are telling. Since our divorce, I've even changed my phone numbers because I got tired of getting calls from JAIL or wanting other kinds of help. They do NOT REALLY understand the pain they cause. Mainly because they ONLY THINK OF THEMSELVES!

April 9, 2007
2:16 pm
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thedogsmom
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Last night he was not there -most of his clothes were cleared out but of course he did not take everything. I was sad and worried and really want to talk to him about what he plans to do? But I know that this is not the time for talking- I can't contain my anger.

I did sleep for about 6 hours straight and really needed it! I am a wreck. The madness must STOP. How many times must I go through this?
I found his last paycheck and again there were 32 hours of leave without pay! While I have been pulling my 12 hour shifts through this madness that HE is causing--- he has been taking time off doing WHAT??? drugs? sleeping and and drinking and feeling sorry for himself??? and If he doesn't care enough about himself to work and save money for him to live on? then why should I?

I Do.. but that is his problem not mine. I did the best I can for him-- and now he can go sleep in the truck I gave him- He is the one that chose the 31st to move out just to shut me up when I wanted to talk to him about going to work-- so let him live like a druggie homeless man!--I am ANGRY. I am Sad.

But I am still excited to grow and learn more about myself and to become a stronger person who can make wiser decisions and stick to them. I hate that all my life my decisions have been based on getting my families or others approval. I hate that I'm always trying to rescue people that won't help themselves.

I will continue to focus on me.
And Shaney I will force myself to stop and breathe and think before I react or SAY anything when i next speak to him and i will remind myself to make the next on- the- spot decision with MYSELF and MY needs in mind! And right now I need to lose the anger and depression and get my sanity back and focus on my health.

I cannot do that with him there.

I thought it a lame excuse too Loralei!
that's why I flew off on a screaming-mimi RAGE!
I will use this ANGER and ask my dad to change the locks tommorow!

thanks for your support- time is a tickin-away-- and IF I had stuck to my guns last year I would already be free and happy by now and would know whether he had it in him to make the changes to bring himself closer to happiness.
thanks all for you support
TDM

April 9, 2007
2:31 pm
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thedogsmom
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lettinggo-- I know- I can't believe the similarities between some of your posts describing the things he did to you and the way he treated you. I understand why it took you so long to divorce him. You must have such a soft heart and operate on guilt a lot also. I will go to the bookstore after work tonite and get that book. If you have lived my life and find that book helpful then I'm sure I will get something from it too. thanks so much for taking the time when you too are suffering to help me through this. Do you have children with him?

April 9, 2007
2:44 pm
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Shaney
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32 hours?!!! That's 4 days off without pay! Oh well, not your worry. Just keep telling yourself that and move ahead.

OH, I hate that feeling...

"if I had stuck to my guns last year...."

Time is precious and regret can really suck. You're doing great though, dogsmom. Hold on to that anger until you get those locks changed! :o) As for the rest of his things (I call those "leave-behinds") maybe you can put them all together in a bag/box, and place them in the garage or side yard or somewhere? I don't know, I just wouldn't want to wait like a sittiing duck for the next phonecall, or for him to show up or something... he's just dragging this out and it's doing nothing but torturing YOU. If you leave it up to him to remove his things, that door will always remain open. At this point, you may really WANT to keep those ties with him... but is it really what's best for you in the long run?

Anyway. Your life will become yours again, when you take ALL of it back and begin to control those few situations that you can. You're no sitting duck, dogsmom :o) lol.

April 9, 2007
2:48 pm
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thedogsmom
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My vacation getaway with my family was awesome- although my nephew and I did get a stomach-bug.

My sister and brother have families in vegas-but decided to go to the beach for thier children's spring break so I met them at their vacation rentals. I had a most wonderful time with the kids! (bet I was near you shaney).
While we were driving a song came on the radio and my brother turned up the volume so I would hear the lyrics he thought would be inspiring for me at this time. Unfortunately- my brain fry-from lack of sleep and anxiety will not let me remember the song but..my 8 year old nephew was singing it too- and when I asked him what the lyrics meant-- he said that it meant that "the key to happiness is not looking to the past or the future but living and enjoying the here and now!"
I thought-- now why do you know this at 8 and here am at 46 just learning this! Pitiful!

Another funny thing- My brother in law said that he was going to fix me up with a really rich man that could buy me a house on the beach. My 11 year sweet niece overheard him and said "that's dumb-TDM should marry a man that SHE wants and likes!"

My sister-in-law surprised me with the support she gave me. She seemed to be the one that understood most my feelings for him and how hard this is on me. My brother gave great, kind and helpful advice. He has always been the wise, logical one --and was reading Wayne Dyer "your erroneous zones" at the age of 12. It apparantly helped him - and I at 14 never even finished reading it.

My sister told me all about her life with a heroin addict in her early 20's. She was a bit harsher with her advice but I know she only wants the best for me. She just said that HE doesn't care for me- is using me-- and only wants me to SHUT-UP so he can keep doing what he is doing! and that I can find someone so much better for me. She told me I should travel to europe for a few years - that I am lucky since I have no children to have a life to do whatever I want. Besides wanting me to be happy- she really has been pushing my mother and my to move near her. Something I am not really interested in doing.

My dad just said- It's my life. Nobody can tell me what I should do -because they are not living my life--and to do whatever I want-- If I want to take him back another 10 times--then do that-- just try to live my life and be happy.

How lucky I am to have such wonderful family and friends.. and that includes all of you here too
TDM

April 9, 2007
3:58 pm
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lettingo
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We did not have children which is a good thing but when I had my miscarriage last year I didn't understand WHY! I was heartbroken. Now I am grateful we don't have to have contact. I want to stress, I KNOW how hard it is, but stop worrying about what he is doing or not doing and why he is doing it! I PROMISE he will do fine without you. I thought my ex was hopeless and I was his answer. I cut off all contact with him which believe me didn't happen all at once but he is still alive and well preying on other people. Don't buy his helpless bull! Don't ask him where he is staying . Just try NOT to ask any questions that really don't concern you. It is hard because we are so used to doing it but believe me it gets easier over time and you will find yourself having more and more times of peace. You dad is right in saying this HAS to be YOUR choice. My mom flew out to see me when thing got ugly and she just wanted me to go to the court that day and file. I was not ready but a few months later in my time, I went filed because it was right for me. It is funny that his family is encouraging you to leave. My sister-in-law did the same thing. She actually encourage me to divorce him because it is crap he had done for a very long time. I am glad you have good support. It really does help. Have you tried Alanon or any other support group? That really helps to.

April 9, 2007
4:14 pm
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thedogsmom
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Oh=I'm sorry to hear about your mis-carriage-you must have been so sad and stressed to deal with that on top of all of this BS! I guess we have to think of it as a blessing in disguise-that will help to truly terminate that tie or should I say NOOSE he had around your neck!
I have to be SMART and lose the emotion now and listen to what you are telling me. Funny it helps me for you to tell me that you PROMISE he will be alright! How silly that I have to have that thought help me.

Recently when I was trying to detach from him and we were sleeping in separate rooms and I was avoiding him with the silent treatment just so I wouldn't fall into the old trap of living our "pretend- to- be- normal
daily-routine life"-- He came into the backyard where I was and I nearly ran to the bedroom. He said "you don't have to hide". And I said "I'm NOT hiding -- I am RUNNING- there is a difference!".
I will try to look at him as METH itself.. An EVIL devil that will KILL me too IF I let it!

Oh and I just grabbed a booklet on my lunch hour that has some courses I want to take on mind-body health and I saw that my health plan has weekly Al-anon meetings ..sO I will look into this while I try to escape him--
😉

thanks--feeling better already

April 9, 2007
6:29 pm
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dustpuff
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shaney and dogsmom...

sorry it has been awhile. I relate to both of you so well.

As for leaving and him using your house. Well, mine came to my house one night to sleep after being on a heroin binge. He had been clean for almost 2 months and I was still skeptical but still had that twinge of hope way down deep. He came with syringes, pills, etc. We got into a big fight. I ended up in the psych ward with a nervous breakdown after he left taking my car. There is more to it but anyway. When he finally figured out I was in the hospital 2 days later he called apologizing and on and on. He actually stayed in my house while I was gone, ate my food, ran up long distance phone calls to his first wife who he was bsing on the side. He was just trying to figure out which one of us was going to put up with his crap. I kicked him to the curb. His first wife was a nut and they deserve each other. Their kids are drop outs and drug addicts. SAD. My children from another marriage are really trying to adjust to all the craziness I allowed in their lives for loving a drug addict. It is not fun, it is not pretty and I carry alot of guilt! Thank your lucky stars there were no children involved.

I think Shaney is right. NO CONTACT. Once you get past about the first 30 to 60 days you wonder why you ever put up with it. Oh it is not easy. I still think about him but it is the man I thought he was and not who he really is.

Keep talking to us. I am still healing myself. I should go to meetings but don't. I do see a counselor on occasion but would be doing a lot better if I would be more proactive.

I haven't talked to my X since Dec. 30 except a brief call where I told him I had nothing to say to him. He has left me alone.

hope to here from you soon.

April 9, 2007
6:46 pm
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thedogsmom
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hi dustpuff-
December 30th- was right around the corner. I had promised myself a NEW year for ME! and I will keep striving toward it! Your wounds are still fresh. You said you 'should' go to meetings but you don't. Why is that?
I just called the al-anon number listed in the NEW healthbook handout and it was the wrong ###. I then called the psychiatry dept alcohol and drug treatment program department hoping they could steer me in the right direction to the codependent courses- but it was just a voicemail--
it was weird-as I was leaving a message I just broke down and sobbed so hard I'm not sure she even heard me. and I don't know where that came from. Guess I'm at my wits end-- heading toward that nervous breakdown. I need some sleep. A co-worker told me I'm losing weight- I like that part --just wish I didn't look so hagaard along with it 😉

dustpuff which thread did you write your letter on? I'd like to go back and re-read some of that one? I think us guilt-ridden people need to practice losing the guilt. Dustpuff- you know that you love your children and only want the best for them. You have a good heart and also had love for this man and thought that you could help him. You gave it your all- and in the madness- yes-- there may have been times you neglected to give your children the time as your efforts went to try to FIX your heart and world and this addict-- but you were acting on your feelings and emotions and that is normal. It took you some time to figure it all out--and your kids will be alright. Maybe they will have been better off because of it---having experienced the UGLINESS of the lives that get ruined by drugs- hopefully it will help them to be stronger and turned off by drugs. Let's try to forgive ourselves for not always doing the right thing-- but doing the best we knew at the time.

April 10, 2007
9:57 am
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lettingo
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thedogsmom,
You can do this! You will not have a nervous breakdown. They (addicts) are not worth it. I lost 10+ lbs and could barely function. I am small person to begin with so I went from a sizd 6 to a 4. Wasn't thrilled about wasting away but the stress was incredible. I am very happy to hear you are trying to get involved in Alanon. It is an awesome program filled with men and women who are going through exactly what you are experiencing. I thought I would lose my mind and times and my friends feared the same thing because like I said on top of it all I lost my dad to a horrible slow disease and had a miscarriage and then had to switch jobs due to pending layoffs. I had to get a second job and get a roommate to save my house. I barely put one foot in front of the other. But I also started therapy and was already involved in Alanon. I also take antidepressants. Today, I am happy most of the time and feel free. I still deal with the saddness for the man I THOUGHT he was. And I deal with angery over everything. I used to SOB ALL THE TIME. At work, in the car, in the shower. This is painful but it WILL NOT LAST forever! You have already come a long way even though you probably can't see it. Just know we are here for you. YOU CAN DO THIS! HUGS!!!

April 10, 2007
12:43 pm
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dustpuff
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thedogsmom
I don't remember the name of the letter. I will try to look it up and get back to you.

How are you doing? I am sorry that you ran into those road blocks. Sometimes it seems we want so much to get the help but there is always something that holds us back. Like getting a voice mail. We want so much to talk to a real person and have that shoulder to cry on. It is such a let down because we finally are reaching out. It takes so much out of us to reach out. Don't give up. That is what I kinda did.

I guess I really need to go to a meeting but I am so scared about walking into a room full of people. I pretty much let all my friends go when I got married because I wanted to spend all my time with P. Oh, how I loved him. Everything he did and said to me were so special. He bought me jewelry and I wouldn't take it off for anything. I don't wear a single bit of it now. I have it all stashed away trying to figure out what to do with it. It is just memories of him. I don't need that.

Have you tried to find a counselor? I went to a counselor today. It wasn't bad but it always seems to end up talking about how to take care of the kids. That is not a bad thing but I think I need some advice on building my self-esteem and how not to get involved with a man like this again. This wasn't my first go around. My first love was a drug addict and so was my first husband (the kid's dad). So, what is it in me that finds these losers attractive? Ugg....I am sick!

Has he been back? Are you sticking to your guns? Don't feel like a failure if you don't. It is like riding a bike. If you fall get back up there and pedal like crazy. Just remember all the heartache that you have been through. That is how I have stayed away. I think of all the lonely times, the crying times, the times where I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Once they are gone it feels like there is a hole there but there is hope!

lettingo, you are so strong. I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I can't imagine what that would be like. I can't even say I know how you feel because I don't. It must have been awful especially on top of what you were already going through. Now that I can say I know how it feels. But to have lost a baby on top of that, you are a very strong woman. I admire you for having the strength to carry on!

hang in there dogsmom! I hope that you can keep him away so that you have some time to breathe.

April 14, 2007
3:21 pm
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thedogsmom
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Okay- NOBODY can be more mad or disgusted with myself than ME.. but he is NOT OUT yet and It is MY fault.
Please don't give up on me..I WILL do it!.. but guess I let myself get suckered into feeling sorry again!

He was doing some work (property-management) for my dad (who recently had heart surgery. My dad knows I've asked him to move out and that he needs extra money so my dad offered him a few jobs. He came over to my place late tuesday evening (he has tues/wed OFF and so do I) wearing his painters clothes and asked to get some tools and things from the garage(he hasn't removed his things as he has nowhere to take them. His car is filled with bags of his clothes). He also has two non-running cars at my house.
I let him into the garage and kept watching my rental movie (SHerry-baby- great movie on girl with a heroin addiction trying to get her life in order after prison). He doddled- and I knew it was cause he wanted to spend the night- but I didn't let him in. He asked for another blanket he 'forgot'. I gave him a really warm one and went to bed. He left.

When I arose to get the paper I found his truck in my driveway and he was sleeping in the truck. I felt proud that he was working on his day off to get extra money. I was proud that he rang the doorbell instead of just coming in and did not ask me to stay. I felt sorry seeing him in his car like a homeless person. I woke him up and told him he could come in and 'rest'and shower. He rested all right-all day! He just stayed in that room and didn't come out. He looks sick and skinnier and horrible. I let him stay that night- thinking he'd get up and go to work on thursday and then I'd be done with it. I heard him get up in the morning and thought he went to work- but when I arose- he was still there! I was SO ANGRY - I screamed at him and told him HOW DARE HE KEEP USING ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN! THAT he needed to go to work and earn some money and take care of himself! That If he didn't care about making money to support himself why should I. He said he was sick that he had a paid vacation day- that he needed cause he thought he was sickened with rat poisen fixing the ladies sink. I told him to GET OUT. He put his shoes on and went to the bathroom. I barged into the bathroom to SCREAM at him some more and he was sitting on the toilet looking so skeleton like and throwing up into a bucket in front of him. He asked for privacy. I yelled that he could have privacy and do whatever he wanted.....ditch work...take pictures of naked woman...etc...when he moved out and had his own place...but I would do whatever I liked in my own house.
I told him I was going to the bank and would cash his checks for him that my dad gave him and I would be back. I left.. calmed down..and now he is still there...It scares me seeing him lose all that weight.

I Know this is only making me go through this again and again and maybe you are thinking I deserve this now... but I feel SO sorry and worried.

On the positive note. I made myself an appointment for counseling next week and if she recommends it will be taking the 6 month program for codependents. I am scared to do this cause it means I have to leave work early once a week for 6 months..but I decided to do it for me and not let my fear of what my supervisors or employers think of me stop me. In the long run my work will also be better off as I will not have this BS on my mind all the time.
TDM

April 16, 2007
1:30 pm
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thedogsmom
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okay girls-- Please don't think you are wasting your time and good advise on me. You are NOT. I am slowly but surely building up the strength and courage and hardening my heart so that I can escape this hellhole that I have allowed myself to put up with for so long. I have the weakest heart and still have love for this man- and I'm afraid I let him sucker me into feeling sorry again --instead of sticking to what I know is best for both of us.

I feel really strong today. I meet with a counseler from the codependent program with my health plan tommorow morning.

I'm telling you all this and making this promise to myself-- On May 1st I will be joining the NO CONTACT group and will do everything in MY power to avoid all contact with him . The locks will be changed. I also start a new workshift where I don't have to work 12 hour shifts every weekend anymore! I will also have different days off from the days he has off- so that will make it more difficult for him to see me.
You can believe me this time when I say that I am goint to make him move out. For now I am not promising to never take him back but I will not take him back unless certain conditions are met and it will take at least 6 months if not several years before those conditions can be met- and for now I will just plan this breaking-up and working on myself for the next 6 months.

I will NOT weaken EVEN if he sleeps on my doorstep! I am ANGRY and have not more pity for him. More pity for myself-- that I keep allowing him to USE me!
please keep helping me.
TDM

April 16, 2007
3:46 pm
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Shaney
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Don't be silly - I'm not giving up on you. I know you have hopes that when you finally decide to turn your back on him, he'll get better and come back new and improved. He may, but then there is a chance that he won't. Don't do this for a response that you may never see. You need to be doing this for you and your sanity. If you do this thinking that this may be what HE needs in order to change, you'll only be hindering your own progress. You will be counting down every day of that six months of no contact until the very last day, to see if he did what you wanted. If not, you'll be crushed again.

He's manipulating you and playing on your sympathy. Don't let him do this to you. His car is packed with his things and instead of drving around the corner to sleep in his truck, he sleeps in your driveway? That's low. Where are all of his friends that he parties with and takes naked pictures of, when he needs a couch to crash on? He needs to go - and you need to be strong enough to stick to your decision. Kicking him out won't get any easier - so try to stick to this next time. It's torture. Please take care of yourself! :o)

April 16, 2007
3:48 pm
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Shaney
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I need to ask, why May 1st? That's two more weeks of this. Why not tomorrow?

April 16, 2007
3:51 pm
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lettingo
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Thedogsmom, I just want to start out by saying STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HIM. My Ex did the exact thing. Asking for blankets, saying he was going to sleep in the truck, etc. They are MASTER manipulators and they know we have that soft spot so they play on it. BELIEVE me they are survivors. Tell him to go to a shelter. There are plenty in every city. That is what my ex ended up doing. He survived and he is alive and kicking today. He is still using and abusing people by playing on their emotions. I AM SO GLAD you are getting help with codependancy. AND never feel like you aren't moving along quickly enough or beat yourself up. We all do this at our own pace. It isn't easy so be gentle with yourself. I used to cry to my alanon sponsor because I couldn't leave him and I would say WHY am I know ready and she would say, your just not ready "today". That is the same for you. Don't look at it as never taking him back. Like any addiction just do it one day at a time.

April 16, 2007
4:29 pm
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thedogsmom
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Hi Shaney,
thanks for hanging in there with me. Why not tommorow? I guess I am just such a control freak that I wanted and needed a 'tidy' ending! I wanted him to have saved money to rent a room- so I wouldn't worry about him living in his car. I wanted us to part in a 'nice' way-- you know..."I still love you- but I cannot 'enable' you any longer. It's time now for you to be a man and take care of yourself and let me take care of myself. ...and maybe in the future there will be a chance...

I have a hard time 'talking' to him and when I YELL at him -- like I did the other day-- and SCREAMED for him to "get-out".. It didn't feel good. It just felt so "MEAN-spirited". It is NOT who I am. I am a kind and loving and caring person-- and he has me feeling like a mean-nasty uncaring Bitch. I don't want it to end like this. It is so Hard for me-to give up on him when I know he has a drug problem. It doesn't feel like the right thing to do in my soul.

I had a great life with him- before the drugs. I was really HAPPY and he fit in with my lifestyle and family so well. He is a kind person. I do believe the drugs changed him.

I still have hope that it is not too late for him to turn his life around.

I am letting go though because I am NOT HAPPY anymore. I have not been happy for more than two years. I do not feel as if I have a partner in life- I feel alone. I am letting go because my health and mental state is failing and I know I will be better off without a drug addict in my life.
I am finally realizing that I cannot change the fact that he is a drug addict. Only he can change that. I still want him to change- but I don't want to put my life on hold waiting either.
His 12 year old daughter ( who we had every other weekend +) but I have not seen since christmas- holidays-- called the other day and I told her we had broken up and that he had moved out. She bawled her head off and so I talked to her for over an hour to console her. He hasn't seen much of his children since I told him to move out in November. I think he is scared and doesn't feel right to bring them to 'our' home since he knows I don't want him there anymore??

Tommorow I have my first counseling appointment. Then we are supposed too go to the DMV to change the cars titles in his name-- so I don't have to worry about him driving drunk or high and getting stuck with the liability. We both are off work tommorow. On wednesday morning I am leaving for a week for a work conference so I told him he could have the kids over and stay there while I was gone.
I told him to be gone when I get back. Friday is payday and I won't be there anyway-- so I guess I am still just being too kind and giving him a few more days to find that place to rent?
maybe I am just stalling????
I don't know if that is what I am doing-- but I know that in my crazy foolish head-- that I feel more at peace by telling him to leave on a certain day-- rather than to have to go home tonite and 'confront' him to move out NOW.. that's really scary for me.
TDM

April 16, 2007
4:44 pm
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thedogsmom
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lettinggo- thanks - I know you know EXACTLY how I feel each time I read your posts to myself and to others. I do have to STOP feeling SORRY for HIM. Thanks again for your unending support and for promising me he will be alright. I temporarily "forgot: this when I saw him sleeping in the truck on that cold rainy day--and then saw his body wasting away on the toilet.
I guess I'm afraid that once he moves out it will really be over.. that may be--the answer SHANEY to " why not today??? . Cause I had told him that he needed to work things out while while we were still together-- I told him that once he moved out that I didn't know if I would be willing to take another chance for the same man to break my heart again. I guess..I just didn't want it to end like this.
I guess I just don't want it to end.
TDM

April 16, 2007
5:20 pm
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Shaney
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Keep in mind that you've attempted for a long time, and in many different ways, to send him off with all of his ducks in a row. It hasn't happened in the past, and it's not going to happen in two weeks. The biggest part of letting him walk out the door, is to rid yourself of the very responsibility of worrying about his needs. HE needs to worry about his life more than YOU do, in order for him to take on the responsibilities necessary for him to take care of himself. And you can't make him care - no matter how much time you give him, no matter how many ways you try to show his daughters that HE cares about them, no matter how much extra work your family provides for him..... HE NEEDS TO CARE.

Think about it another way... if you gave him a car, money for three months rent, and a job, and then you showed him the door... would you feel assured that he would be alright? Would he attend the job? Would he use the money for rent? How long would he hold on to the car? I think you know he can't take care of himself, so you prolong his stay so you can make sure he's taken care of... because it eases your mind. You've already said as much - I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, dogsmom. I'm not blaming you or harassing you because of your feelings or your actions. I can't even imagine turning my husband away without knowing how he'd survive - so I don't blame you at all. But the point, is that your h is going to live his life the way that he wants to, regardless of where he is staying. No amount of worry on your part is going to change that. He's still doing drugs, missing work, staying out all night long and who knows what else WHILE he's living with you. I imaging he'll be doing exactly the same things when he's not at your home any longer. The only difference is that you won't have to watch him, if he's not living there. I feel really bad for his daughters... but again, not your responsiblity to make him care enough to have a good relationship with them. That's a tough one. I don't know dogsmom. I just hate seeing you go through this again. I know you'll do this in your own time... be remember how precious time really is. Take care

April 16, 2007
5:26 pm
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readytobefree
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Hey..I am new to this site and all too familiar with your situation. I have been there and have been living this life for almost 18 years, the ups and the downs, the lows and the highs. When it's good...it's great and when it's bad your head is spinning and you are trying to build up the strength to find light at the end of the tunnel and fix the wrong. Some of them are small and manageable and others are huge and you just feel so depleted of all life and feelings inside of you. This codependency fits me like a tee...it's scary. I had a mother who I learned these wonderful skills from and also a father that contributed and then stupid me....went into a serious relationship at 17 to "save" my love and build my own family, the hell with everyone else we are happy and we are in love and can take on the world. Seems like a great plan except for the fact that my love is unreliable, inconsistent, chaotic, addicted to this, that and everything else along the way and has a family that sucks the life out of him and in turn he sucks the life out of our family. The whole situation just makes my head spin.

Over the years my husband has been addicted to alcohol, pot, coke, crack, oxycontin and heroin....and I am sure there is more. He has not been able to hold a job, provide emotional stability in our relationship, manage money or understand the basics of taking care of adult responsibilities.

We had our child a few years back and that was the breaking point...I could take whatever he dished out and I could choose to stay with him but I was hell bent (and finally smartening up!) and would not allow our child to grow up in that kind of environment. I left....he was left with very little and tried it all to reach into my heart...I blamed the drugs, I blamed them for how he was acting and his choices. He ended up in the hospital detoxing and then to a recovery program.

I supported him throughout this whole process, so proud that he was finally taking action in regaining control of his life. I made a mistake....after almost two years of being seperated he manipulated me into allowing him to move back in....I was the fool. He had certain specs he had to abide by in order to be part of our family and to share our non chaotic, happy life. He did a good job for a while and then slowly and surely the lies started, the inconsistencies, the hard evidence. I threated, I screamed, I became angry and restentfull, I didn't trust yet again this wonderful man I wanted to love so badly and who I wanted to share our great child with so we were a happy family.

So here I am again....he has once again brought us to a place with no emotional, physical or financial support. No drugs this time, as far as I know but he has made choices in life that are not putting our family as his top priority. He is dealing with his demons, his life has again become so uncontrollable and choatic. A short conversation with him I am so sick to my stomach it is not even funny, he moved out two weeks ago and is still calling me with his issues!! Like I care!! Maybe because he knows I do care..maybe he knows that I may just give in and try to fix it. I am tired, I can't fix the mess anymore and I don't want to live this way anymore. I feel like it is the same cycle just with different variables, it is exhausting to take two steps forward and five back. We had good times over the past few years, good drug-free, happy and healthy times and I want that life. I so want that life....not this mess of a life.

So....sorry for the earful, my point is....take care of you, don't let him manipulate you into feeling bad for him. He has made the choices to bring him to where he is...I know it is scary to let this person go that you love and you so want to care for....but bottom line is that he needs to take care of himself and you are not doing him any favors by not letting him go, you can't save him anymore than I can save my husband...God knows I have tried long enough and despite our good times along the way, this is still the end result.

Good luck, you can be strong and you can make choices that make you feel fulfilled inside. You are worth it and the more you take care of yourself, you will notice that you will attract relationships/friendships with others that have healthy boundaries and take care of themselves. Life is for living, not for constantly stressing about with issues that are self inflicted. You are worth investing in...I know sometimes it hurts and you want to feel that comfortable situation but in the end it is not worth it to feel that crazied pain. Keep the faith! : ) You are not alone....

April 16, 2007
10:53 pm
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hi Ready to be Free,
Welcome to this wonderful site and don't be sorry for the earful. While I would not wish this rollercoaster life of ups and downs living with an addict brings on ANYONE...It does help to know I am not alone. That there are many of us rescuers and people with good hearts that believe we can help--only to learn after many dissapointments and heartbreak that we cannot change the situation.

I am SO sorry to hear that your heart was broken again after you had believed that he did the work in rehab to change. It really isn't the drugs -- that hurt so much-- for me-- its not even the cheating--- the stolen money--- its the BIG FAT LIES!.
the LOST of trust!

Thanks for sharing your story. It scares me-- cause I have a pretty good feeling that mine won't have a happy ending either...I just don't believe he is strong enough to face himself and start being honest with
himself and the rest of us.
You are right life is for living, and not for constantly stressing about issues that are 'self-inflicted'. I hear you-- and hope to be on the road to recovery soon. I don't deserve this- I just wish I cared LESS about him and more about me....

I start tommorow with my counseling and therapy in codependency...
thanks all-
I'm off for another week away from the home drama... let you know IF he moves out while I'm gone hopefully--- or IF I must just boot him out the door with my dad there on the 30th.
TDM

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