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he's 'supposed' to move out tonight- and I'm really scared and sad...thedogsmom
April 2, 2007
12:41 am
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thedogsmom
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welcome hello2Bfree and thanks for reading and responding. As far as any suggestions in your boyfriends case-- that's a really hard one. I would advise NOT to give her extra money on top of the child support- but I know that is hard as he doesn't want his kids to suffer. I would hope that his child support will sustain them and that IF they are actually suffering- no food- no clothes or chance of eviction..etc... that she would then surrender the children to him to care for them - when and if she can no longer care for them. He's probably better off to let her struggle so she will get sick of the addict and leave him. But I know that's difficult.
Thanks for the good advice. It sounds like you have learned much about yourself and codependency. Were you in love with an addict too?

atalose-- instead of thinking it through 'together' could you just take over my thinking completely??? lol
I am SO TIRED OF THINKING! ๐Ÿ˜‰

When he confessed to me that he was smoking meth in November 2004 he begged me NOT to leave him and said he'd go to drug rehab- his idea. He enrolled in counseling and then begged me to go with him . His drug counseler wanted to meet me and after three sessions- told us we needed couples counseling and he wasn't able to provide this. He gave us a referral but D dropped the ball and NEVER arranged it-. He did enter a daytime outpatient program through his health plan and NOT through his work plan as he was afraid to be discovered on the job.

The outpatient program is really a one year program but is in 3 phases. First phase is for 3 solid weeks from 8-5pm as well as evening alanon/narcanon. Phase II allows you to go back to work and take 2hour evening classes 4 nights a week along with 5-6?? nights of alanon/narc-anon meetings along with personal counseling. They do include some sessions for family counseling-- I went to two of them and thats how I learned about codependency.
After passing through phase II- the third phase is the rest of the year with a personal counselor available and monthly?? or periodic private counseling as well as cutting back to alanon a few nights a week.

then you are ALL FIXED and DRUG and ALCOHOL FREE! YIPEE!

My guy- went through the first 3 weeks- I was NOT very supportive. I called all those people LOSERS! SHAME ON ME!!! I was SO ANGRY and I felt SO left out of that whole NEW group of new friends that I was not a part of.

I went once to a codependent meeting on my own and they asked me to read something and I tried but all I could do was cry-- so I never went back. I also always thought counseling was a bunch of psycho-babble. I am so sorry- can't believe I was so judgemental?..I really always prided myself in having an open mind.
Anyhow- I did encourage him to keep going and was looking forward to the couples counseling- since this is the only place where he would actually 'talk'.

Then I left him in May to go vacation with friends that drink and smoke pot. HE told me his counseler told him he shouldn't go cause of the drugs-- but I went anyhow. When I returned I found out he had the new friends at the house (I didn't know or trust them) and I found out a few weeks later that he had QUIT the program. SO I told him I was really dissapointed that I hoped he was now drug-free because I would have went throught the whole year or whatever it took including the relapses IF he would have continued and showed he was trying. But If I found out he still had a problem he would just have to leave cause I would NOT go through this again. A few months went by with no problems...and then there it was again..the lies..the nights out..and it got worse...the stealing.. not going to work..etc..

He had promised to go to an in-rehab program in January and took the whole month off from work as vacation--then found out that the program was NOT covered by his health plan unless he failed this daytime program 3 times. so he started the daytime program but without intention to give it another true try. He is afraid to use his employee assistance program -cause he doesn't want to look bad at work.

and that's as far as we ever got--except NOW that I am suffering I need the psycho-babble for my crazy psycho waffling self!

I must go home now- I've been at work for 14 hours and have a 12 hour day tommorow. Looking forward to your opinion on the matter.
TDM

April 2, 2007
1:37 am
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dustpuff
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TDM~ I have to say that you are very brave for taking this step and can say the only way that you can make it is with no contact.

I went through a very similar situation and when I read how you guys talked and cried. The things he said about loving you and blah blah blah. It must be some recording that these men listen too. I think they want to believe they feel that way but really what they want is the next high. We make it easy on them to achieve that. We enable them. They can't even love themselves. They are really just cowards because they can't face the reality of life without numbing it with drugs. That just makes matters worse so they are in this tail spin. The are like a tornado. Killing everything in their path.

I went through so much with my X. Oh how I loved him. Oh how I missed him. I still catch myself wondering about him at times. I am doing so much better without him BUT it takes time and this isn't a quick fix. He is gone and now I am good. NOPE!

He may be gone but the depression lingers. The trouble going to work, the wanting to sleep, etc. You are going to have to fight this. It has become routine and your body is used to it. The feelings of abandonment and feeling like you weren't good enough because if you were he would have quit. It is all still there. You have to look for validation within yourself. You have to find that true beauty that has been hiding in there waiting to be discovered. Well, no one else is going to discover it for you.

I don't want to sound preachy or anything. I just know what I have experienced and what I think. Call me crazy, I don't care. I have been called crazy a million times before. You have to find a light. You have to find something to believe in. I personally have been going to church. Jesus said "I am the light and the way." Oh, I question why all the time. Why did I have to go through this and why couldn't he just love me. What did I do to deserve this? I don't know the answers. I don't know if I will ever know. What I do know is that I have felt this light in my heart open up and has taken me by surprise, brought me to my knees and had me crying like a baby. I can't tell you what it felt like but it felt like that deep dark whole had just had the sun shined into it and the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Both times I was at church and the pastor was talking about God's undying love.

I know like I said, everyone has their own beliefs. I am not trying to change anyone. I am just offering my experiences like everyone else.

I said I have felt that light...but it was only for a split second. I keep searching for it time and time again. I hope it comes back and it stays for good next time.

anyway, sorry I got off on a tangent. I just know how much you are hurting. I was with my X for 8 years and 6 of that he was drugging pretty heavily. We never had any money. We never had anything nice. Our bills weren't paid half the time...on and on and on. It is just not worth it. The lies, the stealing, the nights wondering what he is doing and if he is ok. Did he finally OD this time? Did he get picked up by the cops?

Hang in there dogs mom. You are right, you will never be able to trust him again. As much as you would like to it won't happen. If it does it will take years of rehab and I don't know if you really want to place a bet on that one.

I have heard it time and time again...the possibility that an addict will recover are very slim. I wouldn't be willing to take that chance after the hell you have already been through.

thanks for listening

((((tdm))))

April 2, 2007
1:45 am
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thedogsmom
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He's gone and I'm alone. I'm pitifully on the computer cause I was checking to see if perhaps he sent me a goodbye letter.. but I guess that's my style- and we all know how my goodbye letters never amounted to goodbye... guess this is it...wish it were all a big April Fools.
goodnite

April 2, 2007
3:22 am
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(((((thedogsmom)))))

April 2, 2007
9:34 am
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((((TDM)))))

April 2, 2007
10:38 am
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Shaney
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Morning dogsmom :o)

OF COURSE I will always be here to support you and encourage you - regardless of what you ultimately decide to do. I have faith in you - that you will take your life back into your own hands, and move on from here. We all waffle here and there. We all love these men for our own reasons. But when all is said and done we KNOW what is best for us. You've known all along what is best... best for you AND for him, and you tried your best to lead this man in the right direction. But you need to let him make his own mistakes, take responsibility for his own life and his own recovery - if he chooses to do so. You're a good person... do what is best for YOU right now.

From your last post, I'm assuming that he is gone. I'm sorry for your pain, honey. But you are not alone. We're here to help you through this - and I know you can do it. The initial shock of it all is heartbreaking because it just seems SO final. But think of this as the end of the dysfunction in your home life. You HATED living that way... remember that. Make your home, YOUR home again... rearrange things... make it fresh, and surround yourself with good things. You can come home and know what to expect. You don't have to live with that helpless feeling of watching someone spiral downward, and know that he was taking you with him.

Be responsible for you. Start to create a good life around you. Change your routine. Make plans. Create new memories. Be proud of your life and know that others are proud of you too. You did the right thing, regardless of what you're feeling right now. This is a change for the better. You needed this to happen, and so did he. He will be okay. He'll figure this out.

This is the end of a very bad situation. The grief will hurt for a while, but once you're through it (and that WILL happen) you'll begin to have hope again and see that this was the best possible move that you could have made. You finally did it! We're with you, dogsmom, don't worry. You're not alone.

April 2, 2007
10:52 am
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thedogman, Words you wrote jumped off the page at me. You said to him, "you're easy to live with". Is that true? Every situation is different but I remember the back and forth when my ex was using and I had asked him to leave. He did the same thing, packed and then just took his time. They do this because they KNOW it wears on us. THEY ARE MANIUPATORS! They want to pull you into the game or the dance. They want you to Tango all those familar steps. I DO KNOW THE PAIN of coming home alone and that horrible emptiness. I PROMISE it get better and it doesn't last forever. It is hard for a co-addict because you will be going through withdrawls from your addiction. I am not exaggerating when I say that. I went into a DEEP depression but I know I was doing the right thing. I also used a therapist, Alanon group, sponsor and my good old antidepressants! YOU CAN DO THIS! I proimse you will be okay even though you feel like you will die from the pain. I actually thought (just thought) of suicide only because I wanted to fantasy about an escape route. I just thought I would die from the pain, anxiety, saddness, FEAR, depression, etc. BUT TODAY, I am happier than I've been in a very long time. I am out of the depression. I feel like I am starting to get my life back and it feels great. My ex never cleaned up even after divorcing him. He just recently got out of jail for forging a prescription and has other charges which should send him away for awhile. I say that because I am hoping you are not doing this to get him better. Do this because you want to get better. YOU DESERVE a better life. Continue to write down EVERYTHING he's done and re-read. I used to carry a three page list of the nightmare in my bag and would pull it out when I needed to. I am also reading and EXCELLENT book that I think would help. It's called "An Addict in the Family". Again, this is so hard, I really do know. I will be here supporting you anyway I can. I SWEAR there is a better life out there. Just try to get through the withdrawal period. If you keep having contact with him you have to keep starting NC all over again. HUGS!!!

April 2, 2007
10:57 am
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lettingo
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dustpuff, You story sounds SO Much like mine. I also find so much comfort in Jesus and the bible. To help keep me out of that obessivnesss when I wanted to die I would memorized and repeat psalm 121 and 1. It was so helpful. I asked the same questions, WHY? Why did I have to go through so much pain and heartache? Whey didn't HE just fix the situtation. Make my husband well. Cure our marriage, etc.!! But I hang in there and like you I still have some lingering depression and saddness but I know experience a lot more peace and serenity and I am FINALLY hopeful about my future.

April 2, 2007
11:28 am
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nappy
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I'm sorry for your pain, but sometimes I look at letting go as a new door being opening by god. Maybe god is opening that door for you and he wants you to walk right into it.
There is a reason for what you are doing, and maybe it is for you to find peace within yourself.
I know that we want to save the ones that we love but sometimes that is not enough. They have to face the music one day in life.
By letting go, I am so happy today, right now in my life. I can look back in life and be thankful that I didn't stay stuck, that I was able to let go and deal with the pain, then to be continue going through something that I knew wasn't good for me. I realize that it is my time now, and if you are not doing me any good, then guess what? you have to go now. Life is to short to be dealing with things that one day you look back and say that I was worried about nothing.
Nappy!

April 2, 2007
12:10 pm
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Shaney
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hey dogsmom -

I just wanted to say to you (because this thought has gotten me through some tough times)....

TAKE THE DRAMA OUT OF THIS SITUATION. Drama can kill us emotionally - and we've all done it. The emotional goodbyes, looking for a goodbye letter, the feeling as though this is the last time we will ever see or hear from them....etc. You know what I mean?

This IS a good-bye in the sense that you are getting him out your home.You are putting an end to this one particular BAD situation.

And I hate to say this, because I don't want to you dwell on this thought... but I seriously doubt that this will be the last time you will hear from him. Let's take the emotion out of this for one second, and be logical, and realistic.

At this particular point in time, you've made a decision to get him out of your house - it' was toxic, it was bad, and it needed to stop. But I imagine there will be a lot more steps to take when it comes to completely letting him go. There will be phone calls, no doubt. And you will have to prepare for that. So, as painful as it may be, you are only ending the living arrangement. It's an ENDING, but you've ended lots of things in the past few months - financial stuff mainly. Before that, you had to make a decision to move him into another room.... that was also an ending to a situation. See what I mean?

So please... don't torture yourself with the feeling that this is the bitter end. This "ending" is just one more step towards freeing yourself from him and his addiction. You had to do this - it was long overdue. But expect more steps in this process. Stay strong, and stay focused. We'll get through this - I have faith in you!

April 2, 2007
2:26 pm
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happy2Bfree
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Yes I was in a co-dependent relationship with a drug addict for 8 long torturous years.

He was a binge user and he might go for months not using and then something would trigger that desire and he would disappear for days.

Everytime it happened it would throw me for a loop. You would think I didn't know I was dealing with an addict. I eventually began to recognize the signs leading up to his using (i.e. restlessness, abusing alcohol, food, or porn, etc.).

I have been nearly evicted (I say nearly b/c we would leave b4 being thrown out).

I stood by his side in domestic abuse court even though I was the victim all while he blamed me for causing us to be there by my overreacting (he was not physically abusive but we did have a couple of "incidents").

I have had my ATM card stolen and account depleted.

I have been left someplace when he was supposed to pick me up in my own car.

He was out doing drugs and either gave away my paid for car for drugs or had it taken from him. The car was found in New York totally trashed.

I could go on and on.

He finally moved back to his home state which was good. However, even then we maintained contact and I had this idea that he would get himself together and we would live happily ever after. I continued to allow him to manipulate me mentally and emotionally.

You know addicts are master manipulators and he was the master of masters.

I should have broken all communication. Everytime I dealt with him it broke me down in every way and I would also end up in some sort of financial bind.

Dr. Phil says to never give more that you can afford to lose. I allowed him to bankrupt me emotionally, financially and in every other way.

The personal and professional crises finally came to a head. I nearly had an emotional breakdown. I would think of suicide and feel as if that was my most viable option.

I have experienced depression and anxiety.

I have had to fight my way out of the depression. I was once told that depression is anger turned inward and I was angry with myself more so than with him. I made those choices.

I am still recovering financially. However, after he left I bought a condo and have done some things that I could not have done with him around.

I spent 2 years alone just dealing w/ me and my stuff. I was not interested in another relationship and knew that I would not be a healthy person to be in a relationship with. Don't be afraid to be alone b/c you need to rediscover who you are without him.

Lastly, you cannot put a price on peace of mind. Whenever I would begin to feel sorry for myself (and that was a lot) I would try to remember that I now have a peace in my house that did not exist. It's awful to not want to go home b/c of drama. Your home is your sanctuary and if you aren't safe there, then where?

I don't know all that you've been through and I know the next few days, weeks, months will be hard but the sooner you allow yourself to go through it, the sooner you will be over it.

Peace and Blessings

April 2, 2007
3:16 pm
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atalose
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thedogsmom,

The big fear in using work benefits to address addiction is that they the company will find out and fire you. That is not true, the laws have changed and protect the workers. I would look into his plan and see what they offer. I strongly believe an inpatient treatment facility for at least 28 days is the way to go.
The day program he was in, did they do drug testing on him at all? These guys donโ€™t get it, they fear losing there jobs by seeking help for addiction and never understand how that addiction in it self will cause them to lose the job in the long run. And one of the other problems with some of these out-patient programs is they all talk and figure out the way around it all like itโ€™s a game. Thatโ€™s why random drug testing during treatment is good.

We need to get your thinking on you now. We need to get you over all those hurdles that need to be gotton over so you can come out of this with a sound mind, heart and soul no matter what happened in the long run.
So you ever feel responsible for his drug use? Do you feel any quilt about his drug use? Do you ever talk with close friends or family about his drug use? What would his feelings or thoughts be if you began to work your own recovery and he knew about it? How do feel about him giving up on his past recovery? Do you ever feel that way towards working your own? What stops you from getting into a program such as al-anon?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 2, 2007
4:02 pm
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lettingo
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happy2Bfree
Great post! It is so encouraging to read posts from women who have gotten out of the addiction cycle. I am newly divorced so it is still new and although I am fine, I need continued strength. I've too was left in a financial nightmare BUT it could have been worse and at least I am climbing out of it. Before, the bleeding never stopped and like you I was so sure he would get better. I am blessed to be out of it and having walked through the agony!

I have read somewhere that for every 10 men that are in an alcholic relationship 9 will leave and 1 will stay. For women, out of 10, 9 will STAY and 1 will leave. I hope we can change those statistics. Keep posting your a great example to women who feel trapped and think their situation is hopeless.

April 2, 2007
4:34 pm
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thedogsmom
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happy2Bfree- It sucks living with an addict! My life is eerily similar to yours with this addict minus the domestic court incident. He also may be a binge user-? is there such a thing? He seems to be able to function fine for weeks and even months sometimes-- and then the Devil-addict rears it's ugly head again! It's the worrying and waiting for the next bomb to drop that will truly drive you to that emotional breakdown. Glad to hear you are happy2Bfree!

While I laid there sobbing and feeling sorry for myself last night--I thought of something somebody here said about us crying our heads off--- while HE is out
partying it up on his happy high with his secret friends! I stopped crying and went to bed.

Shaney snickered a bit and then bawled reading your initial post and then snapped out of it with your second. That's the simple answer!. Start thinking logical instead of emotional. Don't create the drama!
You remind me of my funny and wise sister- but you are lot more diplomatic ๐Ÿ˜‰ ... She said the same thing today this morning! She said you always think it is the END when you fight-- but you should know that it is NEVER the end IF YOU don't want it to be. Then she told me I could even get my old boyfriend back IF I really wanted too. the NICE one I let getaway--cause of FEAR! I was a runaway bride pretty much. Broke his heart. This is Karma maybe???

2shy- thanks for the kudos- but don't be too proud of me yet-- that's pressure. ๐Ÿ™‚

nappy- thanks for helping me so much. I read another thread with your advice and printed it for re-reading as I did find it very inspirational. I think you would be a wonderful person to go talk to that group of woman/addicts that your ex wants you to. You are strong and I love your advice-- I know you said you were worried that you would get frustrated with those abused woman but I have faith that you would reach and HELP at least one of those woman to think on the right track! I think you should go for it!

oops gotta run for now
TDM

April 2, 2007
5:25 pm
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Shaney
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dogsmom! You're ALIVE! Seeeee... you're going to be okay after all. This hasn't killed you yet, thank goodness. :o)

Yes, you don't have to think of this as the end of all life as it exists... but this crazy situation in your home DID have to end, and you did it. The relationship as you knew it ended too - but that's a good thing. You didn't need or want a relationship like that anyway - and you're taking steps to turn this around in your favor. Which, in this case, means that you need to turn him loose, so he can find his own way. I don't know if that's going to mean that you still have contact with him or not - only you can decide if that's healthy or not. IMO, for the time being, perhaps standing your ground until you get past the initial shock of all of this, would be the wiser choice. Feeling the way you feel right now, makes you an easy target, because of your vulnerability. Give yourself time to get used to the current situation - you've just taken your home back, and you need time to adjust. Then see where you are, and where you'd like to be. Your healing is all up to you. You deserve all the attention now. :o)

April 2, 2007
7:35 pm
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thedogsmom
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yep - I'm alive and for THIS moment feeling pretty darn good about the decision to get him out. I was about to crack..the anger was eating me alive.
I am slowly but surely making some changes that will lead me to a much better life. In fact, all this self-discovery is really making me a much better person and that is exciting me.

One of the steps is that I allowed my mother to tell my sister and brother about him and they seem to be 'understanding' about it --as they only want ME to be happy. My sister told me that I could stay home and try to have fun drowning in my misery playing "I will survive" and break-up songs and crying eating Haggen-Daz for my weekend (wed-fri) OR she could fly me to LV to spend the holidays with my family. I decided to go have some fun with my nephews and neices and be their favorite aunt while the kids are out of school.

lettinggo- when I said he was easy to live with- I meant that HE is the BEST type of roomate EVER (well-if he paid rent that is ๐Ÿ™‚ and OF COURSE IF HE WEREN"T AN ADDICT> He is clean and tidy and cooks, and washes the cars and keeps up the yard, and does laundry and types my homework assignments and notices when I am feeling stressed and tells me to sit and relax while he brings me tea and a flower from the garden. He is quiet and considerate and doesn't raise his voice or swear. For those first 4-5 years I was the envy of my friends because I had the NICE wonderful, understanding, people-pleasing, fun husband who talks nicely to me and never says mean or bad things to me or about me.

I never believed in the silent treatment..and I didn't want to carry the anger....so...after the horrible 'surprises'.. I would yell at him and tell him how I felt and threaten to leave IF he didn't STOP the poor behavior.-- then he'd be kicked out of the bedroom.....He still would treat me normally...ask what I felt like for dinner..etc..or talk about the rental property and..I too would treat him nicely and normally too.

anyhow-- as I read this again- I realize that I'm alone and lonely anyhow. It wasn't just last night that I drove around the corner to my house looking to see if he would be home... I'm always looking and worrying wondering IF he will be there and IF NOT where will he be..and what will he be..doing...etc..

SO yep.. he needs to go stay with those friends he hangs out all nite with!
I'm goin to vegas!
TDM

April 2, 2007
10:39 pm
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dustpuff
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YOu go girl. Take that time and see how easy it is to be away from the drama.

April 2, 2007
10:51 pm
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atalose- I was hoping to get a break today to post to you--as I would really Love to hear your opinions and your advice about whether there is hope for him in rehab--and your thoughts/ideas about me. I have lots of questions that you might be able to spread some light on with your experience in alanon.and some ugly things to confess. It's been another really LONG shift and I need to go home and try to sleep.
Then-- I'm OFF to try to have some fun vacationing with my family!
No more tears this week!. I choose happiness!
thanks

April 2, 2007
11:02 pm
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thedogsmom
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thanks again dustpuff! I am out of here. ...atalose - I didn't mean to leave you in suspense with my confessions-- just talking about my attitude- based on ignorance about addiction...I posted some of it on Kates thread about helping her to understand addiction you can read it there and forgive me.

April 2, 2007
11:05 pm
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atalose
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You have a great vacation and we'll talk when you get back...

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 3, 2007
10:06 am
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lettingo
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thedogsmom, WOW your husband sounds EXACTLY like my ex as far as how kind and wondeful they "can" be. My friends also thought I had the greatest husband. He would give me a massage all the time, brought me coffee every morning and kissed me goodbye. Would run out at any time of the day night to get me chocolate cake (another addiction LOL). That is what makes letting them go so freakin hard! I told myself that I could find someone who would do all that "AND" not lie, cheat, steal, betray me, etc. etc. We deserve the WHOLE package deal. You sound so good. It does SUCK living with and addict but the great news is, we don't have to. I am so glad you opened up to your family. I held back from my family because I was just sure it would get better and also because I had alot of shame and I didn't want to disappointment them. Especially my father who was dying from Lou Gerhigs disease. Finally when I thougth I would lose my mind while my ex was locked in some hotel room drinking and drugging I called my mom and sobbed and told her everything. The truth helped me so much do come out of denial and let go of the shame and guilt I was carrying. You are making so much progress. Once you start to get even a little of the good life, it will sustain you through the withdrawal period. HUGS!

April 3, 2007
10:42 am
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Shaney
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hey dogsmom -

I think it's really great that you let the rest of your family in on what has been going on. It's healthy, I think, especially when you really need the support of your friends and family right now. It's also good in that you're beginning to duck out from behind that wall of fear and shame that you've probably been hiding behind while trying to conceal his addiction. There's no reason to hide it anymore - which is a liberating feeling in itself.

I think you're taking some really healthy steps, and I'm glad you're feeling strong about your decision. It was the BEST possible decision that you could have made - and you followed through like a champ.

I'm also glad that you're planning things... having things to look forward to is SO important. I'm happy for you :o)!!!

VIVA LAS VEGAS! I live about 4 hours away from Vegas.... gosh, we used to go there a lot... but not so much anymore. Have fun! ... and stay off the tables in those high heels. ;o)

April 3, 2007
4:15 pm
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dustpuff
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Yes, these men seem to have the knack for softening us up. Mine used to do all kinds of things for me too. Massages, breakfast in bed, warm up my car in the winter and scrape the windows...etc, etc, etc. That is what these men do. That is how they keep us hooked. Towards the end of my time with the X husband, I came to despise these little acts from him because I had finally gotten the picture, it had finally dawned on me. He did not do these things out of love but out of sure selfishness. These were acts to keep me where he wanted, in the palm of his hand. With me he had a place to live, food, clothes, basically whatever he wanted I gave to him. Motorcycles, boats, fishing trip.

I also gave him the ways and the means to do drugs while living a cushy life while mine was falling apart all around my ears. My X probably fell a lot farther than any of yours have, the things I have heard that he actually did to have drugs. I stood right by and gave him the money. He sold everything. Even my '65 mustang he promised to rebuild for me. What links I would go to. I was and really am sick. I am doing what I need to do now though.

That is what you have to do though. You have to break away from the patterns. See your life for what it really was. Understand it is not your fault and that he has a sickness. You too have a sickness though and you need to heal. Can't do it while still engaging in it.

Hope you had fun in Vegas. I sure could use a few days away from everything. Just by myself. A little road trip.

April 3, 2007
5:41 pm
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lettingo
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dustpuff, wow, I think our ex's were twins. You described him exactly. I started thinking the same thing. Their little act of caring were just a big game to get what they wanted. Mine, racked up credit cards, stole jewlery out of the house including my grandmother's earring that she left me, my WINTER COAT (Pathetic), money in the bank slowly gone. He wrote up fake invoices on jobs that didn't exist so he could justify using the card. THEN he stole check out of my check book and forged my name. He pretty much left me with HUGE bills, a mortage, car payments, etc. !!! It is amazing the lengths they will go to. I had to cancel everything or he would still be doing it. He went from having a great wife who gave him everything and like you bought him stuff and took care of him, a beautiful house, money in his pocket, etc. to a homeless shelther. Talk about falling to pieces. Did this stop him NOPE! Still doing his stuff. He pretty much has nothing, even lost his car and cell phone. Drugs can just bring people to their knees and even then most don't stop.

April 8, 2007
10:09 pm
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thedogsmom
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no- dustpuff and letting go- these men are triplets- I have that same Nice-gentle-soft-spoken, helpful addict.
I think that may be why it is even harder to let go-Because these men often were there to take care of us and made us feel so special-----and then suddenly the rug was pulled from under us.
It may also be why we feel so tricked! Are these nice men with a problem of addiction? or are they charming con-artists?

Well- Shaney- you were right and this man is NOT going to leave easily. The night before my trip on Monday - He called me at work to say he needed to come by and talk to me and to get some things from the garage as he is doing some work for my dad and needs the money. He wanted to start on the job Tuesday morning (his saturday). I told him it would be okay and was interested in hearing what he wanted to 'talk' about. Although-- come ON!! Ready to talk NOW? AFTER I have made you leave? Why NOT when you were living there with me????
(I know why- cause he wants to stay)

Anyhow he came and had a difficult time talking and said himself it is really hard to get the words out and express himself. He basically apologized for all the hurt he had caused me, admitted that the lies were about hiding the drugs, admitted that it was wrong to lie. Tried to convince me that he had NEVER actually cheated on me. Just hung out with these woman to do drugs or buy drugs. I told him that having and hanging out with woman outside of the marriage and lying about it without my knowledge is cheating. He admitted that it was. Said he was sorry he lost my trust. blah blah blah.

I was glad at his attempt to talk. And thankful for his apologies and for answering some questions truthfully although I know he did not want to. I think he was trying to make amends for himself. (I know he just wants to stay).

After the 'talk' he said he was leaving and I told him I was going to bed. I asked him if he had a place to stay. He said no he was sleeping in the truck until thursday (payday) and then he'd try to find a room to rent. I KNOW I shouldn't have said this but I told him that It was already 1AM and I was going to bed and leaving town the next day and going to be gone till Friday so that he might as well just sleep there until thursday.
He said "NO- thank you- but I need to to just do this myself.- I'll be alright- I have lots of blankets and I did it last night".

I was proud of him for leaving but thought it foolish-but let him go.
I really think he had someone to stay with and didn't want to tell me because it was his Friday night and after payday.

While on vacation - he called me a few times to say hello and see how I was doing and that he loved me. He left messages and I never returned or answered his calls.
When I arrived home last night he was there - sleeping on the couch. I was angry! Felt tricked again! Was happy he had turned down the invitation the first night and then upset that he didn't rent that room like he said he would. It was late 11:00PM and I just LOST it with him. I asked him what he was doing there. He said he was worried when I didn't come home on friday. I told him to worry about himself. Told him that I don't like SURPRISES and that even though I had told him he could stay while I was gone- that he KNEW that I was going crazy with rage and on the verge of a nervous breakdown and needed some space!
Rage SURGED through my body just trying to talk to him and I felt like I love Lucy AAARGGHHHH! I screamed like a banchee and felt so CRAZY!
I realize I DO NEED the Space!

I went to my room and slammed the door and tried to sleep. He packed up some more things but spent the night on the couch.
In the morning I left before him for work today- heard him getting ready too. I don't know if he will be there or gone tonight. I did see some information on an in-rehab drug program.
I do NEED him to move out - my nerves are shot and I cannot seem to talk to him in a way that is helpful to him with all this anger. It certainly is not healthful for me.
Tonight I am too tired for anger. I just want to go home and sleep. I will set a date to change the locks.
It must be done.
TDM

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