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he's 'supposed' to move out tonight- and I'm really scared and sad...thedogsmom
March 31, 2007
1:11 pm
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thedogsmom
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I thought I was prepared for this-- that it's what I wanted. That this is what I NEED to do to get out of this hell-of living with the obsession and worry that goes along with loving an addict who lies and repeatedly dissapoints...
I've tried to build-up the strength here and come up with the reason to BE STRONG this time and I thought I was..
but the time is here..and all I can do is cry.. I didn't realize that I was so SCARED! I didn't realize that I was afraid to face the 'heartbreak'! I thought I was only afraid to let him go--cause I would be worried about "him"...but I didn't see this FEAR and ANXIETY and SADNESS coming on. I'm sad for me too! I'm breaking up! Life with him may be done and over and I still love him. It hurts so much.

I almost crawled into bed with him last night to hold him and get and give comfort--maybe so that he wouldn't leave. Cause it isn't really what I WANT! I'm just making him leave because nothing else I've done is working.
okay.. I just said it.. guess that's my answer. Nothing else is working. So I will try this change. I will be strong- and suck it up--chin up... like I expect the rest of you to do to get out of your hell-hole.
thanks for listening.
thedogsmom

March 31, 2007
1:14 pm
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Anonymous
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation. I know it hurts like hell. I am here if you need to talk.

March 31, 2007
2:37 pm
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Loralei
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You are almost out of your hell-hole, just hang in there and the worst will be over soon. You already know that he has to go. Everytime you are away from him you feel better and healthier. It's because he is "there" that you are feeling so torn and miserable. You already know the answer. Just believe in yourself and this will soon pass. The misery and grieving are temporary. There is light at the end of this tunnel and you have to press towards that end. You have reached the point of no return, so don't let him weasel his way into staying any longer. You have been so patient, so giving, so loving, so forgiving. All you did was give, give, give. All he did was take, take, take. When he is gone and out of your life, you will feel an immense weight off your shoulders and your heart. Just stay strong and hold your ground. We are all behind you. ((((((dogsmom))))))

March 31, 2007
3:31 pm
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Shaney
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dogsmom -

In quotes, you wrote "supposed" to move out... is this really happening today, or is this a false alarm? Has he actually started moving his things?

You've been preparing for this for a long time, and putting it off, for whatever reason, is prolonging your pain, and his addiction. Take the leap... and have faith that you will get through this. I just don't see another way, and I think you are in that mindset as well.

Be strong :o)

March 31, 2007
3:45 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Honey, if you are scared he may hurt you then call and ask a friend to be there w/ you. It wouldn't hurt to have a supportive friend there anyway. Or if he has a history of violence then call and ask the sheriff to be there while he takes his things.

((((( hugs )))))

I know this is so hard. You hang on there ok.

March 31, 2007
4:43 pm
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thedogsmom
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I have a feeling this time that he will not be there when I get home tonight. and I'm afraid to go home to that empty house and see his things gone.
I confronted him three days ago when I saw that he was NOT packing on his days off during the week (we both work weekends-today). I asked if he still planned to move out and questioned why he was not packing.
He said he didn't have that much stuff to pack and not to worry that he'd leave on the 31st.

I've cried pools of tears since then and haven't slept. I got really anxious and realized that I'm afraid of breaking up and afraid of all the pain. Afraid of coming home to an empty house every night and doing all the things that he takes care of for me on my own. I'm not afraid of him- this man doesn't have a violent or mean bone in his body.
I'm afraid to give up control of NOT being able to see what he is doing and having NO CONTACT. I'm afraid that this will really be the end. and then again.. I'm afraid that I will go home and he will still be there..and that nothing will ever change.
thanks so much though - just because I know you guys really are rooting for me- it does help. Just wish the tears would stop falling out of my eyes. my goodness. where does all that flooding comefrom anyhow?
TDM

March 31, 2007
4:50 pm
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Shaney
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Hey dogsmom - would it help you to take a more proactive stance in this situation, rather than waiting to see what is waiting for you? For example, if you gave him a quick call and prompted him to "..please make sure your things are out by the time I get home - we don't need to make this harder than it already is..." maybe it would help you to feel a bit more in control, since you would know what to expect. I don't know. I do know this isn't going to be easy though. Getting over the initial shock of this move is very hard... but I think that once it's done, you may experience a sense of relief. This needs to be done - you know that. You're taking the necessary step towards getting your life back - that's a good thing - don't be afraid to step out of this terribly dysfuctional situation and think of yourself.

March 31, 2007
5:22 pm
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atalose
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thedogsmom,

I am very proud of you for sticking to your boundaries. I know the pain you are feeling right now, it's not easy but it is far easier to go through this pain then the pain his addiction causes you.

FEAR =
F- false
E- evidence
A- appearing
R - real

Your fears are stemming from all those negative thoughts running around in your head. Too much to think about always = fear.
In between those tears, take some deep breaths and keep telling yourself how strong you are, put those negative thoughts away for another day. Just get through today.
None of us like to give up our comfort zones and good or bad he's become part of your comfort.
Now is the time to look for other comfort things, friends, family, here, what ever you need to do to fill that void.
Living with him there seemed to be no end to your pain, now you are seeing that end.
You made a great choice for yourself even if you don't feel that right now. The pain of a relationship ending is survivable, the pain of the constant lying and disappointments will always be there while involved with an active addict.
Keep being strong…..

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 31, 2007
7:42 pm
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thedogsmom
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I didn't realize that I was so afraid of "change". Not of being alone- really- Heck- living with an addict is VERY lonely in itself. Just fear of 'letting go'. I guess it's because while I made up my mind to make him move out- It's really just another move I'm making to hopefully FORCE him to see that he needs help and will push him in the right direction so we can live happily ever after--- after he is "rehabilitated".

I guess I'm sad that he isn't fighting to keep me. That he is so weak he just gives up so easily. I guess I wanted him to come to me last night and hold me and tell me that he will get help and fix things and that he still loves me. I fought SO hard NOT to go to him for comfort.

At the same time, I'm afraid that he will be there when I get home tonight and that he will cry and beg me to stay with him and that I will feel temporarily better and hopeful and let him stay-- only until two or three weeks when I see he is still up to his old shenanigans.

So with these mixed emotions- I have to listen to you all and remember:

1) this needs to be done! I didn't decide on a whim to break up- I came to this very difficult decision because

2)I'm feeling torn and miserable because he is an addict and the constant turmoil that living with an addict brings is too much for me- I am very unhappy and getting ill.

3) Change is scary - I am leaving my 'uncomfortable' zone for change BUT.. the pain of breaking up DOES end.. eventually-- life with an active addict is forever painful.

I will try to be strong and tell him to go and let him go. I have NEVER followed through with making him move out. Maybe this is the change he will need to get himself help. Maybe not.
Time will tell.
thanks so much!
TDM

March 31, 2007
8:43 pm
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Shaney
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dogsmom -

This is a change for the better - one that you've been contemplating for a long, long time - and one that will only happen if YOU make it happen. This is a change that will benefit you both in the long run. You have to let go of short term remedies and rely on what you KNOW to be true for the long term. If you let him stay - it may relieve the short term pain, but prolong the long term suffering. The dysfunction and the enabling needs to stop - it's come to a point where your mental, physical and emotional health is getting worse - not better, and his addiction is staying the same if not getting worse. His addiction to drugs, and your addiction to helping him, is not healthy is drowning you both.

Take your life back -

March 31, 2007
10:17 pm
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sandpipper
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TDM,

A counselor once told me that there is nothing you can do to control an addict. You can be the best person and do everything right or you could be terrible but what you do will not make any lasting difference. The responsibility for his change lies with him.

The responsibility for your change lies with you. atalose is right, you need to start taking care of your self. Be good to yourself and look for comfort things to fill the void. At first it just feels like you're going thru the motions. But keep it up and in time you will heal.

March 31, 2007
10:48 pm
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lollipop3
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"I'm afraid to give up control of NOT being able to see what he is doing and having NO CONTACT. I'm afraid that this will really be the end. and then again.. I'm afraid that I will go home and he will still be there..and that nothing will ever change"

((((TDM))))

I know these thoughts and feelings so well.

The loss of control feels like you are free falling from a million miles above.

I've always been so afraid of every time being "the end". I never wanted it to be. I still don't want it to be. I just don't know why anymore. Is it "love" for him....or old wounds and fear at work.

The confusion is maddening.

In the end, only you can decide how much you are willing to take. Under the present circumstances, the chances of him changing are almost non-existent. Asking him to leave and letting go of the results may be the only chance that either of you have for change.

As much as we "should" be doing it for ourselves....sometimes it is easier for us codeps to think of it in terms of "helping" them. Because sometimes letting them go, as painful as it is, may be the only way we can help them.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. My thoughts are with you.

Hugs to you....

Lolli

April 1, 2007
11:00 am
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Shaney
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Hi dogsmom - how's it going today? Is he out? Are you okay?

April 1, 2007
11:09 am
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TDM...

When it actually comes time to act on your decision, it is so hard! We cling to all of the good things and forget all of the things that brought us to this point. There is life after heartbreak. It is painful, and grieving is necessary for healing. It is likely that the situation would never change. We turn it over like a Rubik's cube trying to make it work.

Leaving ex-ex (and I didn't want to) was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. He broke it off...I never would have because I was so afraid of being alone, of never finding anyone again, of never being loved. I knew it was not a good situation for me, but I hung on...and now, I am so glad we didn't stay together. Granted the first relationship I had after him was Dr. B, so that didn't help much, but I made it. I am doing ok today. I still miss him at times, but have experienced so much more in my life being away from him. You will too.

I hope you are ok...let us know.--2b

April 1, 2007
11:44 am
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atalose
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If your agenda is forcing him to seek help by kicking him out. You will never know that outcome if you allow him to stay.
Now if he puts himself into a rehab today, that's different.
With addicts the tomorrows never come and the next week never arrives when they talk of rehab or attending meetings. Most addicts don't get the help when they are forced into it. Most addicts have to make the choice for themeselves. There choices can be based on decisions made by those who love them. Example: This marriage is over unless you get into a rehab and remain clean and follow rehab with some kind of a program.
Now that choice is theres on what they will do. Some times they have to lose what matters the most and feel that loss before they make the choice to recover and re-build the relationship.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 1, 2007
1:28 pm
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thedogsmom
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I'm lost and sad and confused and hurting. don't be too proud of me just yet. I have a feeling I'll be living here at this counseling site for another year or two at the pace I am going.

When I drove home last night- I saw his truck still there and I felt a sense of relief-- at the same time --I braked and could not even pull up in the driveway --I felt like a frightened deer stuck in headlights. I didn't know what to do.

I promised myself that I would try my best to NOT say things in anger that would just make him feel worse about himself- but to hold my ground and make him leave.

I walked in he was sitting on the couch- He said hello- I said hi and went into my room and shut the door as usual. His bags were packed in his room. I went to bed and waited for him to leave. He must have been waiting for me to come talk to him because finally he came into my room at about 11:00 (we both work today). He said he was packed but asked if he could leave in the morning. I asked if he had a place to stay. He told me not to worry about it. I sarcastically said "yes- I'm sure you probably have 'somebody' you can stay with?"
He made his usual "there you go again groan and sigh..
I started to talk about some of the arrangements we need to settle- changing car title and getting insurance..etc..

Then he just stood there looking like he was about to cry and he just said "I want you to know that I love you". I said "well you can say that, but I'm not feeling it- I wish you could have made me feel it while you were here living with me" He said "I know - but I wanted you to know that do love you and that I'm so sorry for hurting you." And then he sat on the bed and hugged me and I just broke down sobbing in his arms. I said "I'm sorry too- I wish I could have seen all of this happening and known what to do to make things right. I'm sorry too for always being so angry at you- but I can't seem to control my emotions anymore. I'm just not happy and things aren't changing and I've been unhappy for more than two years and you can't be happy either. I think it's best we move on and hopefully you'll find somebody else that you can trust enough to be your true self around- so you won't always have to hide things."
He cried too and said all the right things.."I don't want anyone else. I don't even want to live without you. I can't imagine my life with anyone else. "

Then he said he had to go to bed and I said okay goodnight and goodbye. I told him that I wanted him to be sure to get all of his things because I didn't want any contact anymore. He said " but how can we talk?? "
"I said "talk?- talk about what?" He said "Well I need to talk to you". Then we cried and talked some more. He talked more than I've ever heard him talk- and even saying this- I still did the majority of the talking.

He said the whole bit....He's sorry. He never meant to hurt me. He NEVER cheated on me. NEVER slept with anyone else. He's sorry he lost my trust. He did do drugs and he knew I didn't/wouldn't approve so he hid that from me and that's what all the lies were about- nothing more and it wasn't meant to hurt me. But he did see how he was hurting me and he saw the change in him with the drugs and he realized that he had a problem and he isn't doing drugs hardly ever anymore cause he sees it is a problem. Don't I believe that people can change? "

to this I said "yes- but I've waited years for that change- and I can't put my life on hold any longer. I can barely make myself go to work and get through the days-- and my days off are almost worse- cause I don't even want to get out of bed cause I don't know what to do with myself. That all I do is worry and wait and things just aren't changing. Without trust a relationship just can't work. And I don't trust you anymore.
Trust isn't something you can just pull out of a hat. It's gone now and I couldn't see ever trusting him again."
He said "NEVER??" You don't think you will ever trust me?" and I said "no- I don't think I will ever truly trust anyone again.- given your history and the three years of deception and lies I'm not sure it's possible."
Then he broke down and cried and I walked out of his room and went to bed and tried to sleep.

He came in my room this morning and I was sobbing in bed. He came and held me and we cried together. I said "I'm sorry- people break-up every day and get through it. Not all people are compatable- we make really great roomates- because I love you and you're easy to live with. That's why I stayed for so long even though I'm unhappy. I stayed because I think you're worth it. I still do- but I can only accept the things you do as a friend and overlook it- but when I'm your wife and the things you are doing affect me- I can't forgive and forget and overlook so easily- it hurts and I'm just hurting you too with all my anger. We make good friends, but I can't be your friend right now because we have too much emotion and feeling invested. We can't stay together because there is no more trust. We both are poor at communicating and add drugs into the picture and there just isn't going to be much happiness in that kind of a marriage. We are growning apart instead of together.

He just kept telling me he loved me and there would never be anyone else for him. And that he was sorry for ruining our lives. I said you didn't ruin our lives- we are still here and alive and will be fine again.
We both got ready for work and I gave him a big goodbye hug and here I am confused/sad not knowing what to expect tonight. Doubting myself. Wondering if I'm ready to really walk away.

Lolli said something today that you all have told me before- but somehow I keep forgetting it..- And I HATE that this helps me because it shows my weakness-illness-codependency-
"as much as we should be doing this for ourselves ...sometimes it's easier for us codeps to think of it as "helping" him. Because sometimes letting go.. may be the only way we can help them".

So I'll let that work for me today. To suffer sadly- hoping that this is what it will take THIS weak man to start his own soul-searching and figure out what he wants out of his life.
big hugs to shaney, feeling lost, atalose, mamacinnaman, loralei and sandpiper,2bstrong, lolli, and ALL the rest.

April 1, 2007
1:49 pm
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thedogsmom
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thanks again ((( atalose.))) I just read what you posted today while I was posting and that's the conclusion that I am coming to. One thought is to just arrange the drug rehab for him and I know he will do it...but we've tried that- with my love and forgiveness and standing by his side--he just didn't have much to lose and went right back to his old ways.

He not only needs to stop the drugging-- but more importantly get to the root of his problems-- why does he drug? I think he is ashamed of himself- ashamed of his failed marriages-- and not having any money even when working full time. I think this embarasses him- I think he has much guilt for not being the father he thinks/knows he should be. I think that he needs help to forgive himself and to learn to love himself so he can stop hiding and start being the man HE thinks he should be.

I think that HE needs to be the one to do the work for it. It has to come from him this time. I just can't be his mother anymore. I do think this letting him go-- suffer and figure it out on his own may be the way. Either way-- I'll be better off. I know that-my heart keeps forgetting.
TDM

April 1, 2007
1:53 pm
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Loralei
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(((((dogsmom)))))) I am so proud of you!!! You hung in there and didn't break down and let him stay. He was doing everything within his power to get you to let him stay with you. That took a lot of strength on your part, so be very proud of yourself.

In the 2bstrong thread, turnabout wrote an amazing response that I think really applies to you as well. Hope she doesn't mind if I quote portions of it here. She said,"

"Go read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (but not KJV - it uses the word 'charity' instead of 'love', unlike other versions) It will tell you what love ... REAL love ... DOES. Love is an action, and not just a feeling. Even without reading that passage, you already know in your heart what love does and doesn't do.

We're talking about ALL love here, not just romantic love. People can love us even when they don't act loving. . . . What you can't trust is that people will always act on the love they feel. Even though they feel love, they choose fear over love, and that will certainly end up being their regret some day.

On the other hand, you, being on the receiving end, has to face when they don't act lovingly. Feeling love for you isn't enough if they can't act on it. Expect better of them. If they feel it, they CAN CHOOSE to act on it.

You can reject the behavior without condemning the person.

Don't fight what you know in your heart... what you have perceived his feelings for you to have been..., but reject his choices ... each time he didn't act in love, including this last exchange. You deserve nothing less than a person's honesty, and if they love you, their behavior should reflect that in order to be honest.

I'm saying this because you need to focus on how he's failed YOU, regardless of what he's doing with someone else. Would love, even the love of a friend, have made the same choices? And then, when you have your answer ... that, indeed, this particular action or that one was NOT done out of love ... in your heart YOU get to REJECT that action, because what you want from those you keep close to you is love... REAL love and not imitations or empty promises of it.

And by holding anyone accountable to act out of the love they feel, you lift them up as well ... validating their feelings instead of their fear and validating their potential instead of what they settle for from themselves."

No doubt your STBX does feel love for you. But he hasn't acted on that love. He loves drugs more than he loves you because that is what he chose over you. That was his action. Words are meaningless unless they are backed up by action. You, on the other hand, continually demonstrated your love to him over the years. His actions didn't match yours at all. You gave and gave and he took and took until he bled you dry. That's not real love coming from him or he would have stepped up to the plate for you.

You are doing the right thing by removing him from your life. He is toxic for you and that's not what love is supposed to be like. Love is nourishing and healthy. Just look at your emotional and physical state that he has caused. Flush that toxin out of your life so you can start living again. "It is always darkest before the dawn."

April 1, 2007
7:38 pm
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thedogsmom
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thanks everybody. I re-read your responses here a few times and got more out of it each time I read.

For 'this' moment. I'm feeling like I am doing the right thing.

Sandpiper-thanks so much in sharing what your counseler said. Hearing that it didn't matter if I was the best person in the world or a terrible person- that it doesn't make a difference with an addict.. helped. as I have been feeling guilty for the role I played in letting the marriage fall apart. I let my emotions turn me into this angry -bitter-sarcastic woman-- or this crying, emotional, jealous, boring, weepy girl without a life. Either is SO unnatractive to a man- and didn't make it easier for him to talk to me about hot-topic issues.

Loralei- thanks for your helpful and thoughtful response. It does help set me back on what I need to focus on now- ME! I was slipping again and making excuses for him and failing to recognize the truth here. Yes- he did apoligize- admit it's all his fault- say he loved me- said he knew drugs were a problem and he had stopped... But you are right.
Why now? cause he is on his way out the door. Because at this moment in his grief-- he may rather have me than drugs-- But you are right. Words are meaningless unless backed up by actions. He had a couple+ years to have shown that REAL love to me! I deserve REAL love!
I liked what you wrote and will try to remind myself of this "holding people accountable to act out of love they feel ...helps to lift them up and validate their feelings instead of their fear and validating their potential and what they settle for".

Shaney- I remember you promising not to abandon me. No matter what ...right?? even if I take him back and come crying here again like lolli 🙂 ?
I won't have to change my name out of shame will I?
Well I must confess to you that I thought of you when I gave him the title to the truck and didn't make him pay for it. I took the IOU! I also thought of you though-- when I was stuck in my driveway--and just told myself what you wrote "you've been preparing for this for- a long long time and it will benefit you both in the long run".
Thanks so much !
TDM

April 1, 2007
8:36 pm
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lollipop3
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(((TDM))),

Of course you will not have to change your name in shame....no matter what you do.

No one is here to judge you. And no one here, or in your "real" life can live your life but you.

All of us have been there at one time or another...and many of us will be there...again and again.

Realizing that you have a problem and reaching out for help is half the battle. Every step you take from here on in....will be a step toward progress....even if it feels like a step backward from time to time.

((((TDM)))))

Love,
Lolli

April 1, 2007
9:07 pm
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thedogsmom,

Hi... I was reading your thread and it almost feels like you are talking about my old boyfriend. I started seeing him after my divorce 3 yrs ago and totally fell in love with him. I loved the fact that he would hold my hand, taught me about just sitting and actually having a conversation, or listening to great music, would lay and talk to me after --- as though he loved me and it wasn't just some animal act to satify him, like my x. Most of all he made me laugh all the time...gut wrenching laughter...it was great. Heres the bad part though...I didn't know that he was a recovering alcholic and drug addict(cocaine) That is why his wife divorced him! The money he spent on it was unreal! He didn't do the drugs at first when we dated. He had lost his job(due to a random drug test) had no money, couldn't find a job, and basically I paid for everything on a very low income that I was making at the time. I loved him and that is why I did it. But then came the mood swings...terrible ones and yelling and on and on. We didn't live together and he eventually got his 401 K money to live on but spent that all really quick because he got back on drugs and alcholol.He moved to FLA. 2 yrs ago and it took me a long time to quit calling him. He still played the mean mind games on the phone. He has had several jobs since being there and several relationships and probably feels like crap because his 2 kids here hardly call him and never have been to visit in 2 yrs. 18 and 20yrs. The last I heard he was back in the hospital, I'm assuming for drying out from drugs like he had to do here. Nothing has changed. He literally went from RICHES to RAGS! Had to sell everything he every owned or cared about. He had his nice truck repossesed while here and now has a vehicle hardly fit to drive. He used to have perfect credit, a beautiful home etc etc. What I'm saying is...I rarely see a drug addict ever change. Oh yes, we think we can change them, but its all up to them really. He did the rehab thing to. Do yourself a favor and move on...I know it is very hard ...I am alone too but there is a saying that I use in this situation...."I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE AND HEALTHY THAN SICK IN A RELATIONSHIP! You sound strong.. you just need support..how about friends and family...Oh yeah one more thing..I did the same coming home from work... He stayed with me for 2 wks before he went to Fla. everytime hoping to not see his car in my driveway, but sad if it was gone. He just wouldn't go and he had no other choice. He had lost all job prospects around here because everyone knew he was a druggy and he had a place to stay in florida with his dad, who eventually passed away.My heart felt the same as yours and I remember sitting on his lap at the kitchen table one night and both of us crying because we knew we loved each other, but knew that it would never work out as it was going.When I do think of him now , I think of the mean side of him that said mean degrading things to me and the guy who would rather have drugs than me. Keep strong ...we are all here for you>>>>>>>>>>>>>

April 1, 2007
10:06 pm
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2shy
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(((((thedogsmom))))))

I really admire your strength. I am so glad that you didn't melt after your conversation with him. I have a heart of putty....I probably would of given him another chance after that conversation with him. That would have been the WRONG thing to do. I am so proud of you. You have given me that added inspiration to continue my no contact with my ex.

April 1, 2007
10:21 pm
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atalose
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thedogsmom,

What kind of rehab did he do before, how long was he in there? What kind of program did he follow that up with?

Alot of those answers would make knowing if rehab would work again, but something different.

If your like me and your thinking of a rehab once again, let's think it through together, ok. There could be other options for you while you stick to your boundaries and if he is true in wanting to get help to stop.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 1, 2007
11:29 pm
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happy2Bfree
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I'm new to this site. I happen to be dating a wonderful man whose ex-wife is now married to a drug addict. She asked him for extra money outside of the child support he pays just so she can "make it for the next six months". He is torn b/c he wants to make sure his kids get what they need, but at the same time he does not want to support his ex's sorry a** husband. He wants the kids to live with him, but she's not hearing that b/c that would mean no child support money and she's the only one working.

I don't know what to tell him b/c I know he needs to make sure his kids are taken care of, but all he is doing is enabling his ex so that she can continue to enable her drug-addicted, no job-having husband.

Anyone w/ any suggestions re: this?

The REAL reason I wrote in is to tell thedogsmom this. You have received a lot of good advice and I don't have much to add except for the following:

1. Read "Women Who Love Too Much". My therapist recommended this book to me and it changed my perspective and ultimately my life.

2. Don't be focused on analyzing him. Focus on yourself b/c you are the only one you can truly help. Let him find his own rehab and be responsible for that. If he wants it bad enough, HE will do it.

3. Last, but most importantly, you must release this negative relationship in order to make room for the positive one out there waiting for you.

The guy I mentioned I am now dating I have known for 15 years. I never gave him a chance and kept him in the friend zone. We remained friends through both of our bull**** relationships.

One day I looked at him and realized what a great guy he is and if I'd seen this years ago I could have avoided a lot of the hell I went through.

Better late than never as they say and I am choosing now to be HAPPY.

I have found the confident, self-assured person I lost during my codependent relationship.

Use this time to find the you that you lost, so when your real "Prince Charming" comes along, you are mentally, emotionally and physically healthy and ready to give 100% to a healthy relationship.

Peace and Blessings

April 1, 2007
11:40 pm
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thedogsmom
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thanks all for reading my long winded threads and helping.

Hello-((red high heels))! Good sexy powerful name!
thanks for sharing your story with me. It is too sad for words-how many people destroy thier lives and loved ones lives because of addiction. As I was reading your story - I wonder NOW if my man had a problem with alcohol and drugs and if that's why he and his wife divorced?? I knew he did drugs in the past- but we had talked about it and he never said he had a problem. He was the greatest husband for the first 4-5 years and then the druggie neighbors moved in and things started getting real bad and the fights began. This man though- isn't mean and NEVER says mean things to me or about me. NEVER. He doesn't raise his voice and doesn't verbally abuse me. He DOES do terrible things though that a good woman shouldn't have to put up with!
I'm going home tonight and getting very anxious. I will just keep telling myself "I would rather be alone and healthy than in a SICK relationship!"
because that is the truth!

and thanks ((((((lolli)))))- for saying that. I guess I must be the weakest codependent person if I am afraid to disclose all the truths to my anonymous friends here. I know we aren't here to judge-- I just get sick of myself sometimes so I worry that you all will get sick and tired of me too-- knowing I am 'smart' enough-- not 'strong' enough to follow through on my words.

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