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He's sober now, but.....
March 5, 2006
5:17 pm
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salemgirl
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My husband has been sober for almost 5 months now, and he doesn't look at me or talk to me. I don't think he likes me anymore.
He used to be crazy about me, and couldn't keep his hands off me. Did putting him off for years when he was drunk put a strain on our sexual relationship? I'm in the beginning stages of menopause and this is throwing me in alot of emotional depression. Am I alone in this kind of situation, or is this normal.
Is there anyone else out there who has been through this, or is it me he doesn't want anymore.

March 6, 2006
6:58 am
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lollipop3
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Hi Salemgirl,

Becoming sober can be a very difficult and very stressful time in a relationship, which is generally why AA recommends not being in a relationship for the first year. However, being you are already IN a relationship, my best suggestion would be *patience*

We always hope and naively think, that sobriety is the answer to our prayers, but rarely is it ever that easy.

I'm sure that you're husband's "lack of desire" really has nothing to do with you. It probably has more to do with the fact that he is experiencing feelings and having to deal with feelings (maybe for the first time) which as an alcoholic, is a foreign concept.

I would suggest that you give him his space for a while and keep the focus on you.

Do you attend Alanon? Do you have a support system....girlfriends or family that you can go out with, talk to, etc? Do you have any hobbies? These are things that you can do to take of you....while he takes care of him.

In the meantime try to just be grateful that he has found sobriety.

I hope this helped.

Lolli

March 6, 2006
7:44 am
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salemgirl
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Lolli

Thank you for your response. I get depressed sometimes (menopause) and a little paranoid. I realize he is re-evaluating alot of his life choices, and I wonder if he thinks I might be one of his mistakes. I always loved the man he is, and his sobriety is a godsend, but being in the dark on what is going on with him can be unnearving(sp).
As far as support goes, my family, and his, is great, but this problem is too private, and I don't think anyone could relate to this. I'm hoping this website will help me with the more delicate problems.

March 6, 2006
12:22 pm
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lollipop3
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Oh Salem....please do not isolate yourself thinking that no one can relate.

Please get yourself to Alanon meeting ASAP. There you find a room full of wonderful people that can and relate more than you realize. Alcoholism is a family illness, meaning that it affects us all and makes all of us sick. This addiction and the illness it brings has a pattern that is very similar in most cases.

You will be amazed when you attend an Alanon meeting and hear a stranger telling your life story. Then you will realize that you are not alone and that we are only as sick as our secrets. Alnon is also anonymous so you can feel free to talk about your feelings without fear.

It is recommended that you attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if Alanon is right for you. Please give it a try. I wouldn't be where I am today without it.

Lolli

March 8, 2006
9:37 am
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Cjazz
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salemgirl, I am going through the same thing he is so I will tell you what I feel like.
Right nwo and for the past few months I have felt intense fear, loneliness and isolation. All those feelings are about me though, not about anyone else. I'm sure your man is dealing with similar issues. He really doesn't know what he feels right now. If he's aware of it then that's a step in the right direction. There are so many new feelings that get replaced when you do not have the alcohol. You need to use your patience and compassion and not get caught up thinking it's because of you that he is feeling like he is.
My problems were there long before I met my ex mate. I could not see that because I buried them with alcohol.
GIve it some time and keep showing him you love him. It will take some time before he feels comfortable with himself and no alcohol to fix his fears.
I hope this helps, Cjazz

March 8, 2006
10:17 am
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nappy
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Good Morning Salemgirl,
Tell your husband, congratulation on being sober for 5 months now. And congratulation to you also for hanging in there with him. I know right now that you may be going through some difficult times but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
First of all your husband is trying to fix himself and I feel that you should do the same. I know that it is hard in not trying to fix things or even feel like that you are not in control of the situation but please just try and let it go.
Let go of the fears, the controlling, the trying to fix everything, and even trying to make the situation better. You say that you are going through menopause, so try and get a better understanding of what that is and even trying to understand how your emotions are at that time. Being a woman is hard enough without all of the emotions that we carry within ourselves. I believe that you are going to have to let go and let your husband comes to term with his feeling. Your husband still love you, let him come to term with his love for you since he is becoming sober. He is also fighting a battle.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change things I can; and the widom to know the difference."

March 8, 2006
12:53 pm
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my fault
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Salem, You are given very good advice, you would benefit from Al ANON at this time.

A book worth reading is "Of Course You're Angry" written by Gayle Rosellini & Mark Worden.

The book entails a guide to dealing with the emotions of substance/alcohol abuse.

The book looks at what goes on within the family once the problem has surfaced and is dealt with.

You may not know this but you were also affected by his drinking.

Please find out about AL ANON meetings, they do help you cope.

Take Care

March 10, 2006
2:10 pm
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salemgirl
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Thank you for your responses and advice. I can feel strength in the words each of you have written, knowing that it is experiences and emotions that prompted you to respond to my call.

I realize my husband's addiction is as much a part of him as the color of his eyes. When he became sober, I ignorantly assumed the pain his addiction had caused would disappear into the wind. I never realized how painful and difficult comming to terms with himself would be. I have been able to let past sins go, ready to move on, but apparently he is walking to a different drummer, a different tune.

I will tell him I love him, I will tell him I am here, and I will honor him his space. I will remind him he has a wife and a best friend that wants his love as well.

March 10, 2006
2:28 pm
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nappy
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Salem,
You are doing all that you can do for your husband, just by being there for him and letting him that you are. My boyfriend has been sober for 8 years now. I wasn't with him when he was an alcoholic and I was very surprise when he told me that he was. Before I met him, it took him along time to get himself together before he could even start trying to be in a relationship. He also knew that it was hard work. I can hear the pain in his voice when he talks about his family and what effect that it had on him while he was drinking. I also see that after 8 years of being sober, his family still hold that against him. His mother died while he was out there in the street, not even getting a chance to tell her good-bye but the hardest for him is his mother not seeing him now in this life time trying to do what is right in his life. Now since I am grown, I realize that my father was an alcoholic and not knowing the battles that he was fighting I didn't understand him at the time but I do now. My mother died from abuse but I feel that she died because she was trying so hard to fix the problems in his life and her life that she couldn't do both. And when she finally tried to fix herself, it was to late. She died a very young woman. Whatever the outcome may be, I will always be here for you.
Have a bless day!

March 11, 2006
3:12 am
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salemgirl
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nappy,

thank you sooo much for sharing. I am sorry for your bf's loss and the guilt he is plagued with. His family truly does not understand his disease. Do people not realize that our loved ones do not choose to be addicts, and that the addiction encompasses the addicts entire being. In other words, its the addiction, not the loved one, that does those dispicable things.I do not know anyone whose lifes dream was to become an addict. Does his family not realize that they themselves cannot heal until they can forgive. Why would they want to hang onto that pain for so long. You are an angel to be in his life and help him move forward, and bless you for recognizing the problems of your past and comming to terms with it.

8 years sober is an incrediable accomplishment. Congratulation to him and his sobriety.

March 15, 2006
1:00 pm
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nappy
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Hello Salemgirl,
This is Nappy, Just wanted to know how you are doing? I hope that you are having a bless day. I was really bless to come upon a suppport thread that really does help people.

It is amazing how you can meet difference people and really connect with them.

Well have good day!

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