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He's Married -
March 16, 2006
3:11 pm
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islandwmn
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This will probably take a lot to explain but I need honest feedback!

I am in love with a man who is married. We have known each other for most of my life. We connected thru his sister and we stayed in touch every day for about three years just talking about issues in our lives, marriages, etc. We were simply friends. We talked even when I was married and thru another relationship. We knew so much about each other's lives. During this time we had not seen each other until last year January. I eventually moved to the same state he lives in (not because of him but to be close to my family). He owns a trucking business and was never in town much. When he came into town we met up for lunch and had a treat time exchanging stories. We didn't see each other for another 3 months. Then we crossed the line - I looked at it as a game -I could handle it. Probably eight months later and many good times, I finally acknowledge I was in love with him. He expressed his feeling all the time but I think I was in denial.
I have since moved again. We have this really great relationship since I told him how I've felt. All of my family that's been around us says they can see how much we are in love (even my father). They all think that he is separated from his wife. He and his wife have not had a relationship for a long time. I think I justified sleeping with him the first time knowing that. We talk about the future, etc.
When I ask him about filing for divorce his answer is that he is not quite ready because of property, their son, etc.
We argue about it and he always tries to end it by saying I have him 'emotionally'. This is killing me because I vowed never to get involved with someone who is married (whether there is a relationship or not) and I am constantly bringing it up. He treats me really well and is a great person. I am lost for what to do because I love him so much. He has asked me to give him time to get this 'mess' taken care of.
I talked to my dad openly about it to get a man's opinion and he advises me to give him time because he can see that he truly loves me. Any thoughts?

March 16, 2006
3:25 pm
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terbear
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Okay.. I'll try and give honest feedback. I've been in this situation. It sounds like you first had an emotional affair. He isnt interested in a future with you. He is using you to get his needs met. He is running away. He will tell you whatever you want to hear and you will hear whatever you want to.. Makes sense.. He will never be ready to leave his wife for you. His investment with his family is to great. You deserve to have someone love only you..It's not your fault that you fell in love with him. But you need to fall in love with yourself. Once you love yourself you will not tolerate this relationship. Dont sell yourself short, you deserve the best..

March 16, 2006
3:31 pm
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pugs01
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I agree terbear, use this test... stop the sex and see what happens. You'll need to be strong and stand my your convictions if you do this. If you cave he'll know he has you right where he wants you.

March 16, 2006
3:48 pm
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desperateincalif
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I'm sorry that you're in a bad spot. Ask yourself this... Do you think his wife wants a divorce, or would appreciate knowing that you're involved in this man's life. If you were married to this man, even unhappily, would you want another person involved with your man? The other thought to ponder is this. As nice a guy as he is, he's a deciever. He's cheating on her and isn't man enough to own up to his feelings and either stay faithfully married or get a divorce. What will he do with you when the "romance" wears off? Bang the secratary? Wise up and tell him it's over. There are too many good, single men out there for you to get into this mess any deeper.

March 16, 2006
3:56 pm
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taj64
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I too was involved with married man. It is taking me very long to get over it. It is not worth it. Loving a married man is nothing short of heartbreak. he will not leave his wife. He is feeding you to keep you drawn in. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you NOW. Not later, now. That is the honest truth. Everything you said, I have heard it too. Now where I am I, I am living with the hurt and so he stays with the wife and she too is living with hurt because she knew. You are paying a heavy price to wait for him. He has not made a promise to you at all. He is not treating you well by leaving you hanging. He is deceiving you. There is a reason not to get involved because marriage is for two people, not for three. This is his marriage. Let him work it out but don't see him. If it ends up later down the road ...maybe but don't count on it. His heart is really still at home, not just with you.

March 16, 2006
4:26 pm
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gingerleigh
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From someone who has also been there and done that and is still hurting over it, please, do what you can to realize the fire that you are playing with and walk away.

But, if you're anything at all like me, you'll think that your situation is truly different from everyone else's because your man really and truly loves you. I'm sure that he does, and I'm not going to take anything away from that. BUT. Does he love you enough to break up his own family, even if it's just a family in name only?

Gotta tell ya, it would take a superhuman amount of love to do that.

It will hurt to walk away, I know it will. But it will hurt a lot less than what will happen when the affair gets dragged out into the light, his children hate you, his wife takes him to the cleaners financially, and he is left a quivering gelatinous mess with only you left to support him emotionally.

Is that really what you want?

I'm guessing that you want the intimacy and love with someone that you're sharing with this man. Staying involved with this man PREVENTS YOU from building that sort of a bond with someone else.

My advice (and it's been hard-earned, let me tell ya) is that you give him the time and space to figure out what he is going to do with his existing life. And while he's doing that, you go on living your life just as you would, without him in it. If he loves you the way that you say he does, he will make himself available to you. But he won't do this unless you make it abundantly clear through your actions that this is what you want. Otherwise, it seems like he could be content (not happy, but content) in playing this limbo land game forever.

You're better than this, and you deserve better than this!

March 16, 2006
8:21 pm
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taj64
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Ginger speaks it better than I ever could. She is also speaking to me. Im going on too. And thanks to her words to me not too long ago, gave me courage to move on. Please listen from all of us who have been there no matter how we say in, in our own words, you deserve the best and this is not it.

March 16, 2006
9:53 pm
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islandwmn
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Thank you all for the comments - they are saying everything that I know I should do. My question is though how do I begin to walk away?

March 16, 2006
10:29 pm
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danger
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I am not sure how to approach this but I believe that I too have fallen for someone who is married. He says he isn't but I have a friend who says different, a mutual friend who knows his wife. Even though for a period of time they were seperated thay have since tried to work it out. He tells me he's living with a friend but I've never pressed the issue about visiting his home. I'm not sure if I even want to know the answer. I've told myself that it doesn't matter because I am also involved with someone else. I started out with this person just to fill the void. Talk about confusing. He is charming and I like him but feel that if I ever found out the truth I could end it. Guess it's time to find out.

March 16, 2006
10:54 pm
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Zinnie
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Ah... that is the easy part though. You simply walk away.

Kind of like the Nike slogan "Just Do It."

You have to look at it this way:

1. He is still married, and as you are not in a position to ask his wife "are you and Joe Bob having intimate relations?" You have to take his word for it that they are not. Then again, his wife has to take his word that he is not having an affair.

2. There is a child involved, which will bind him to his wife/ex-wife for a minimum of time at least until the child is 18 years of age. During that time, if you were to remain together - how do you think his son would feel about you? Is he willing to lose a relationship with his child?

3. He is cheating on his wife with you. Why would he be faithful to you?

Sorry to be so blunt, but, time and time again it seems this is how it plays out.

Z.

March 17, 2006
11:26 am
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Mishy2sons
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I am older though perhaps not wiser. I have lived long enough to have become cynical about romance. I don't believe in one true love anymore. It just isn't that simple or easy. Relationships are complicated and never straight forward. (Read some John Updike fiction ("Villages," "Couples" etc.) for a dose of reality.

There are religious and moral boundaries surrounding what you (and I) are doing with married men. Some will insist we are losing our immortal souls and others that we are invoking bad karma for the next life. However, not all people ascribe to these beliefs. We must decide what is right for us and what we can live with.

What are you looking for in the relationship? Do you want marriage and committment? Are you of child-bearing age and longing for a family? If so, think hard. It doesn't seem that he can offer that.

On the other hand, maybe what you are getting and what he can offer you is right for you. If that is the case, who am I to judge!

I have a friend (now 63 years old) who has been involved with a married man for 20+ years. She has never married and enjoys her single life and independance. Marriage is not for her. She doesn't want it. But she does want a relationship that isn't too crowding or cloying. Her married man has provided that.

They are accepted as a couple in certain social circles. I am unsure if his wife is aware of this affair. Perhaps she sanctions it.

Some people will say my friend is committment phobic or sick. I don't think so. She is a strong, healthy, independant woman.

I guess my point is that there are all sorts of relationships. Some unconventional relationships work. It all depends on what you need and want or are willing to accept.

March 17, 2006
2:43 pm
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nappy
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There are rules when you are dating a married person.(man or woman)
There are also questions that should be ask before you put yourself into that situation.
The married person is not going to ask them self any questions because they already knows the rule of the game.
There are to many womens that get there self in this trap and then wonder why it is happening to them.
First, the woman should not expect the man to leave his wife. He is not going to leave his wife for someone else and then get into another situation and then start to hate the person that he left with.
Second, he is not going to leave his children, especially if his home life is going well. He does not want to look like the bad guy in his children eyes.
I think that womens live in this make believe world that being with such person everyone see that we are in love, that we look good with this person. They can say those things because they don't know. Can't anyone really tell you about your relationship with this man except you.
Sex plays a really big part on relationships like this one. Some people can handle it and some can't. The ones that can handle it don't want no more or no less.
The ones that can't handle it want this fiction of a relationship that is not real.
You need to stop trying to make a situation that is not real and focus on yourself and find you someone that will focus on you and not his wife, house, children, dog, etc.
The man is going to tell you what you want to hear so that he can come back for more sex. See mens have it made in situation like that because they can have there cake and eat it too!

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