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He's gone......will he come back???
January 23, 2005
1:24 pm
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gardengnome
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Hi
i'm in alot of pain right now, my husband left...said it was too painful for him to see me hurting from his affair... going on for 7 months ...we had 3 children together he said he'd never leave but i guess and he told me i drove him away from all my hurt... is this gonna end is this the end ....how do i cope with this ...part of me says its agood thing cause i don't have to look at him, and wonder if he's been wityh her...he said i've hurt him too much in the past ...put him aside, he didn't feel first in out marriage, is this just an excuse for justifying his affair?
help me!!

January 23, 2005
1:32 pm
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yankee gal
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You can get through all of this.. I was married for 24 years and one evening while he was out of town, I was served divorce papers out of the blue. Talk about shocked? First and foremost get yourself a good lawyer. I did have the money and was so hurt I was not watching out for my interest..in return I lost my house. My x played on my confusion for sure and had me sign papers that i should have never signed.

Get yourself into counseling.. I did.. I was so hurt, so confused and scared to death.. I just didn't want to live another day.

Let him go. He's cheated once and he will cheat again. Guaranteed.. I forgave my x the first time and he did it again after I brought him back and things calmed down at the house.

As hard as this is for you.. be strong.. you deserve better and so do the kids. He will forever be in your life because of the kids and that will be difficult.It still is for me as well . Get yourself strong and show him, you can survive without him..

January 23, 2005
5:15 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hi,

Don't let him put the blame on you. He's the one having the affair; he's the one that left. This is not your fault. He made his decision; not you. I seriously doubt you would have told him to go have an affair, would you? Then don't take the blame for it.

You stand up to him and don't take this. You do what you need to do to protect you and your children.

Will he come back? I doubt he even knows that. If you want to get past this and make your marriage work then the two of you, both you and HIM, need to have marriage counseling to work this out. If you don't want it to work then walk away. He deserves it.

If you need to talk or feel like venting you are welcome here. There are lots of folks to help you here. Glad you came.

January 23, 2005
6:13 pm
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gardengnome
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Thank you mamacinnamon

But he tells me this would'nt have happened if i showed him I cared I've told him i accept my share of the responsibility, because it takes 2 but this is just not good enough for him.
i just can't believe this is happening to us. i trusted this person with all my heart and soul and he doesn't believe me, i cared for him and he doesn't believe me..we went to councelling up till last week, he didn't want to go...claimed to be in too much pain, pain i was causing him by reacting to his cheating on me.
Now i'll go for councelling for me so i can get my sense of self worth back...he's taken everything out of me i feel worthless and useless and unloved
Yet i want to work it out WHY?

January 23, 2005
6:22 pm
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balancesekr
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gardengnome,
This man is responsible for himself. If he felt you weren't showing that you cared, don't you think you would have discussed this rather than him going to have an affair?

I don't know all the details here but, don't accept responsiblity for HIS affair. He did that, not you. Something within himself made him do that. If he is an adult, he has it within himself to come to you if he is not getting what he needs.

I know you must be in pain BIG time. Just know that he feels really crappy and is trying to take it out on you, which is not fair. He needs to own up to his mistakes and face the consequences. I would take some time for yourself and try really, really, really hard to not think about him and what he is going to do. Think about what YOU are going to do for YOU.

January 23, 2005
6:38 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Garden,

Yes it takes 2 usually, but you don't have to take responsibility for him having an affair. You didn't tell him to go have one. You didn't go outside the marriage and destroy it. Please do not let him give you the blame for his affair. That is NOT your fault.

Please do stay in counseling. It will be so beneficial to you. If he doesn't want to go the forget him. You work on getting yourself better and let him wallow in his own self pity. It'll slap him in the face eventually.

You take care of you and protect yourself emotionally, financially, etc.

January 24, 2005
7:06 am
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gardengnome
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thanks for the advice...i just don't believe this is happened to us.
we had such a special bond and from one day to another it's gone.
He kepts telling me be believe in our bond and we would pull out of this mess, then a day later he tells me that "the horse died a long time ago and cannot be revived" and i can't stop crying
i want to die..why does it hurt so much?

January 24, 2005
7:53 am
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kc30
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Hi
You may remember me- we talked last week. Well, my husband, after only a month back together, told me last night that he doesn't want things to work out, he's going to start seeing the other woman again and he wants a divorce.

I have no advice to offer- just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have 2 small children, 3 and 1, and am pregnant with our 3rd.

Intellectually, I believe it's right even though I don't want this, but emotionally, it's not so easy. I'm going to a counsellor- hopefully today.

Mine won't move out either- which makes it 10 times harder because when I see him I want to claw his eyes out.

You're not alone.

January 24, 2005
9:08 am
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gardengnome
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Hi kc30
I'm sorry for your dilema, your kids are so little compared to mine. My 21 year old son held me yesterday while i cried and conforted me...i'm greatful for that...my daughters are 19 and 13 and are both especially my 19 yr old , very angry at her dad they think he's gone mad!
He left yesterday, said for a week he wanted to make a gradual exit, you know, come and go as he please to make the move easier on the kids, i told him i'd rather he just left because he'd prolonge the torture on me. i guess if he were to come back there would be the chance he'd leave me for her again...oh by the way he tells me he's not leaving me for her but just leaving cause he needs to get away from the pain I'M causing him
What a mess!! hang in there with me ok, kc30

January 24, 2005
10:04 am
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kc30
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Yeah- mine says he's not leaving me for her too- that he's leaving because he can't commit and can't change, and that's why he's with her- he doesn't have to commit.

They'e so good at deflecting and not assuming responsibility, aren' they.

I don't know...I wish mine was gone and wouldn't come back. He says he wants a divorce but won't move out until it's convenient for him, no matter how much it hurts me. Very selfish man...not exactly what I had in mind for a husband.

Take care of yourself. I'll check in when I can.

January 24, 2005
10:44 am
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Anonymous
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garden- Im sorry but HE CHEATED ON YOU? I think you have every right in the world to be pissed, angry, hurt, and whatever else you are feeling. AND THEN HE LEAVES YOU? Where did this guy come from, he can't stand his OWN guilt for making you feel like crap. Yeah you shouldn't feel hurt because THEN that makes HIM feel bad about HIS actions. As stated above he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Sounds to me like a cop out for him since he obviously would rather be doing something else. Honestly if he was really into making your marriage work, then he would stick around REGARDLESS of your hurt, try to make the hurt better, and show you that he is there for YOU.

Sounds like a me me me me me guy, and while I KNOW you are hurt and love him, how much more do you expect to give up?

January 26, 2005
10:52 am
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gardengnome
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Seems i'm still in bloody denial. When he left on sunday he told me and the kids he'd be gone for a week....i was hoping it would be enough time for him to think about the consequences and maybe find a glimer of hope for us...i was wrong.. he finally contacted me this morning by e-mail...said he wants to give me a getaway for the w/end with a friend so he can come see the kids.
i don't want to leave, and i e-mailed him , said i don;t want to communicate by email and to pls call me.. i guess i should get a lawyer or do i give this thing time...i'm dying a little each day...why do i still care for him after all he's put me through....is that codependancy??? my god when will this end???

January 26, 2005
10:58 am
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Anonymous
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Well you still care because unlike some people you cannot just turn off your feelings with a switch. Nice in theory, though. I think he sounds like a selfish selfish person, and I know you are in the grieving stage of this, but my god, he cheated on you.... and then he gives you the guilt trip. Sounds like a real piece of work to me. So you know what you don't want to go but maybe a get away would be just what you need to clear your head, plus it's on him so let it be on him. I think you need to get away and think about things. really think wihtout being in your same surroundings.

January 26, 2005
11:07 am
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gardengnome
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Thanks Ace, you know, i went away last weekend, we were still living together last friday, and we decided that since i felt uncomfortable with him leaving cause i'd think he'd go to her instead of taking time out from both of us to think, so i went to a nunery here close to my place. i called on friday night spoke to my 19 yr old daughter, she had the flu, he wasn't home till 9pm. when i spoke to him on sat, he tells me they went for supper!
I took time to think and i decided i was going to detach from him and try to live with him....but this was not a good idea...now he's gone and why the hell can't i swallow this blasted [email protected]#$$%% pill??????

January 26, 2005
11:11 am
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Anonymous
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It's a hard pill to swallow all at once, that is why you break it up into smaller pieces. I think once you find your anger this will get a lot easier for you. Trust me I know. Hang in there, and realize that while this is probably the crappiest thing in the world to go through, you can do it, as you know god does not give us anything we cannot handle.

January 26, 2005
11:22 am
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gardengnome
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I need to think positive thoughts... my therapist says i'm a good person. that i don't need to change like to change like he tells me i have to...there is nothing wrong with me, only that i've put up with mental abuse from this man and that i'm not able to see that and work on it.. man am i gonna need therapy big time or what?

January 26, 2005
11:24 am
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gardengnome
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Why is it that i'm not getting angry about this???
i should be mad as hell, but all i do is hurt???

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